How do I explain the situation to my step son on why his mother abandoned him?

Amber - posted on 05/18/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a 9 year old step son that I have literally raised since I was 17 (yes, I was a child bride and I would do it all over again because I'm married to a wonderful loving man) His biological "mother" (using the term lightly in regards to her) abandoned them when he was only a few months old and did not even try to come back into their lives until my husband and I started seeing each other romatically (we had known each other for years prior) and then it was only to try to break up our relationship. Even when she ended up in jail, she was still finding ways to harass us. She kidnapped J on his 1st birthday and crossed state lines, then defaulted on custody and luckily we got him back. Then two years ago, she took her expired court papers (the ones she had defaulted on) to the school board and recieved the ok to get him and they even gave her the name of the school. The school did not notify us untill after she had taken him, dropped him from the school and ran off. We scrambled that whole day to locate her and finally my mother talked her into giving him back to us. He had not been fed, washed and had suspicious marks on him. He was very upset saying the crazy lady said she was his mom and that her new baby was his brother. He kept telling me, "she's not my momma, she's not my momma, YOU'RE my momma" thankfully (for us) she ran off to another state when cps came after her new baby for the hardcore drugs in his system. She still tries to contact my husband, but NEVER mentions their son, and tells members of both of their families that I constantly abuse him. I would love to just be able to forget her, but J has gotten old enough to wonder why there are no pictures of me holding him as a new baby or of me being pregnant with him. He also caught a glimpse of his birth certicate and wanted to know why they had put the wrong name for mother on it. I know she will be back at some point and I'm very scared about how this will all affect him when she does. Any tips on how we should explain the situation and how to prepare him for the battle that will surely one day come? I keep subtly (I hope) changing the subject when he asks these questions, but honestly, the boy's not stupid and knows SOMETHING is up. I'm just thankful that he realizes that I'm his mother in all the ways it truly counts, I hope it'll be enough when she returns to spread more of her sickness and poison :(

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5 Comments

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Amber - posted on 05/21/2010

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Thank you everyone. I think I'm just scared that he'll feel that we lied to him and he'll be too upset to remember that he's been my son all these years. I won't lie and say I'm not hoping for the easy way out where she'll finally just disappear, but I don't see it happening. She for some reason thinks that this is all just a competition over my husband and not her son. I feel for her little boy and hope she never just abandons him too, and if she ever does, I pray that there will be someone else there to pick up on love for him like I did with her older son.

Stacy - posted on 05/20/2010

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I feel truth is the best policy... kids are smart.

Stacy - posted on 05/20/2010

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well first try to be in her shoes...for a minute I know that is very hard.. but try she is a mom and she does love her kids somewhere deep down it hurts her they are gone.. and that she is unfit... Any mother would feel that way. Start there... then understand that if you and the father choose to you can ofter her to give up her rights.. if you are married, then a lawyer can draw up a contract for her to do this. If she signs it then you can move on with your life. However she may never agree to do this one incentive is she will never owe child support if she does it. If she decides to fight for custody.. then try to understand she may always be crazy and she may always try to disrupt your life... and courts are slow and unresponsive to your pain... but over time you will win the court battles... even though all those false accusations will scare the s*** out of you.... but trust me I have been there. the best thing you can do is get an answering machine and let it message so she can not abuse you over the phone even turn it down so the kids cant hear... listen to em later... when your alone. Make courts give you scheduled visistation due to her lack of responsibility that way only one period of time is disrupted by her issues. and most of all try to keep your relationship alive ... with your man.. and the baby.. they really are your family now and even if you dont have a choice in letting her be around the kid.. you have a choice in how good of a mom and father you are.. when you can be there... for that kid and that will matter most.. down the road... btw she might just dissapear one day... mine did.

Gene & Erin - posted on 05/20/2010

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I agree with Marcella. He is old enough and asking good questions.
I will add that you need to get a restraining order against this woman. Then give one to the school and they will know not to let her take him. And they will call the police.
And if he knows the truth and she does try to take him again he can speak up for himself and you can hope somebody listens to him.
But let your husband handle the legal stuff and be there when you talk to your son. Its hard to just be the step-parent when we know we are THE mommy. And we know that at some point there will be more questions. Just answer what he ask and trust God with the rest.

Marcella - posted on 05/19/2010

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Amber I was in a similar situation when i was growing up, my real father married another woman and left me and my mom, the best thing you can do for J is tell him the truth and let him know though mommy did not carry him in her belly you carried him in your heart and that you always wanted him. He will get to a point to where he will not want to talk to her. Yes someday there will be alot of words thrown around by her I am sure as I am going thru some of the drama as we say.Just let him know you and his dad are there and that you both love him very very much. I hope that helps