How do you deal with a nasty ex wife???

Alexandra - posted on 10/16/2009 ( 48 moms have responded )

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Hi I have two stepkids 12 and 9 and my husband and I just welcomed our first daughter 4 months ago. My question is this: How do you deal with situations that are "none of your business because you're just a step parent" but when my husband and his ex make decisions about the kids it affects my life. IE, they now decided kids will stay at our house Sunday nights and take the bus from our house to school on Monday. I was to have no say or input, not my business but......I'm the only one home on Monday mornings to get them on the bus. I'm the one who cooks and cleans and does their laundry when they'r ehere, drives them to whatever they need to get to, takes them to birthday parties, etc as my husband is usually working during the day. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?????It isn't really my buisiness BUT it directly affects me cuz I'm doing the work!!! HELP!!!!

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Jillian - posted on 02/01/2013

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It is your business 100%, You are a Parent in and out, a supporter of YOUR children. When you married your husband you became a parent to your children not his/hers but yours, and if the ex wife can't simply figure that one out well boo hoo for her. I suspect this takes place because the ex wife is vengeful, a control freak, a psycho path, a master manipulator and as jealous as can be, mostly she enjoys trying to interfere in your marriage and make her presents be known to you, because she is unhappy. Maybe tries to make you feel like you are the odd one out in your own home, marriage and family unit.

Don't allow her the satisfaction of getting to you, she is not worth it.

I have one of those in my life (nightmare). My husband does not stand for it, not one second. We together are the decision makers in our home period, we discuss everything between him and I. We are married and we are partners. She is just the nightmare that will continue to go on and on. His ex, simply can't stand the fact that she was an awful wife and broke the best thing she will ever have in her life so what does she do to make herself feel better..... she needs to feel some sort of power/superioress to him/me/us, she lies, plays games, manipulates everything, states false accusations, tells parents at the children's school lies so we get dirty looks and are meant to be put in an uncomfortable setting (yet never met the persons), tells fictitous stories to the children about their father trying to make them have bad feelings towards him, calls the children names (then they explain to us why it is okay for her to call them that because she explained it to them 6 & 8 yrs old), Tells the children it is only fair for them to go to school were she lives and not with their siblings because she is the most important person in their life, sends the children home everytime with out a miss in small clothing, dirty clothing, old underwear, dirty socks, clothes that have holes in them, dirty finger nails etc.... and of course keeps all the good clothes we send the children in when they see her, she tries to alienate them from us and their siblings, makes appointments for the children without us knowing, tells the children they don't have to listen to me because I am not their parent, blah blah it goes on and on and on with her and will never stop she is just a sad pathetic case. One day her children will have ill feelings towards her for what she does to them and she will have to live with her disgusting behavior. What she does not get is to us (my husband and I) she is wasting her time and energy being well lets say it (the Devil) and has choosen on her own to create such a toxic and uncomfortable enviornment. She is hurting her children that she claims to love.........It truly is very sad.

I would have a talk with your husband and let him know you are not the live in nanny or maid, But yet you are the Mother and wife in your home and things need to change. You can't do anything about the ex and she is not your problem. Believe me I know eaiser said than done.

~ Change.org, Father & Child Rights Please check it out as it effects all of our families.

Maree - posted on 12/11/2011

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Well what i have just been told about my role as step mum is as follows. I'd like to share it with you so you are able to do your job correctly..

You are nothing,you will never be anything...do EXACTLY as bio mum demands. Put up with crap for the rest of your life,YOUR new child is nothing because she came AFTER the step child so should also suffer and come second forever.

How dare your husband move on and have another child anyway but since he went ahead and did such a disgusting selfish thing,he has no rights to his first child anymore,he needs to suck it up,take what little time bio mum says is fair, never discipline his child or she will remove him from his life.....and somehow still bond with the child and have a happy life(both you and him)

Oh and YOU,the step mum have NO RIGHT to be a little resentful or frustrated otherwise that means you are not only a selfish bitch but you also must HATE your step child.

Remember that you should be a Saint and always behave like one (eg.remember that you picked this man therefore his Godlike child must come first as if he is the only person on earth,you must do everything in your power to make your step child feel like a king,let him walk all over you if that's what bio mum expects,this is all part of being a step mum)

Never give up,even if you are about to have a nervous breakdown,your marriage is suffering so badly that another family is about to be ruined,your other children are having to suffer...none of this matters because your step child is...and always will be THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE !!!!
Got it !!!! I hope so !!

Obey these rules if you want any chance of being good enough to lay eyes on your step child,if you don't and you think that YOUR children...and....wait for it....YOURSELF are actually worthy of a little respect and fair treatment,then basically you are a poor excuse for a human being!!!

HOW DARE YOU THINK OF YOUR OWN CHILD AND GOD FORBID,YOURSELF OR YOUR MARRIAGE.....GASP !!!!!!! EVIL EVIL WOMAN !!!!!


Sometimes i wish the bio mum would crawl back into the hole she came out of and leave us alone....but i guess i should go to Hell for thinking that,it's not very Saint-like and after all,I'm a step mum now so i have relinquished my rights to being a person with feelings and a limit to what i can take .

What a load of BS !!

Thanks for letting me vent,i feel much better now......off to my next Sainthood class AKA step parent class !!!

Tara - posted on 12/05/2009

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a caring loving bio mom like me would show respect to the step mom and be thankful she is there on monday mornings and of course should be included in the plans...i tell my kids step mom she is appreciated, she goes out of her way for me and put up with my " mama bear" freakouts in our "early days" and i know i am blessed now to have her "raising" my priceless kids while they are on visits... i wouldent pick anyone else but her and that ex wife is very ignorant and insecure not to show the step mom any respect... she will only look bad to her own kids when they are older...that hubby needs to give his head a shake.. wake up.. maybe read these responses he he

Alexandra - posted on 12/05/2009

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Hey everyone, here's the update...
I sort of went off on my husband without meaning to about all this. You know when you start out trying to be nice, but you're just so frustrated to be understood you do whatever it takes? I think I've been very clear that havingthe pendulum at the "doormat" side isn't working, so now we're trying the other side...I mind my business, you mind yours. Obviously not the way I'd like things to be forever but it's a step towards finding the balance that works. After a few conversations I think he's getting it. His major line is, that's enough talking about this I'm feeling bad. To which I can now reply: As well you should be!!! When I suggested the switch to everyone can mind their own business and take care of their own responsibilities, he backpeddled a bit and said oh no wait I want you to be involved. I stood my ground and reminded him just how clear it was made for me to mind my own business and then I stayed away for a weekend while he had the kids on his own ( I still had the baby) I can't believe I came home to a clean house with teh dishes done and his kids laundry all done!!!! I'm pretty sure he's getting it but I did have to lay it on the line and let him know how clsoe I was to washing my hands of the whole situation. It was mentioned by my MIL at one point, in front of my husband, that I don't get a choice, I signed up for this. My husband now understands that yes, I did sign up to love and take care of your kids, but I did NOT under any circumstances sign up to be treated like a free 24 hr babysitting service and being treated like crap.
So, things are looking up!

A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone on here who responded, I can't tell you how many times I came on here just to read all teh posts over again to convince myself that I am justified and I do have a place in this. The support on here is amazing!!!!!

Bekka - posted on 10/26/2011

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Is it you that feels it's none of your business or is that what your Husband and his ex have decided? Whether they like it or not, youre the one who's landed the responsibility of getting the kids ready for school so you do get a say. I had the same problem, I felt I didn't get a say because they weren't my kids but when I was the one cooking, cleaning, helping with homework and dealing with bad behavior, I put my foot down! If I was expected to be responsible for the kids when their father was at work, then I deserved a say in how they were disciplined, in setting routines, doing chores and anything else that was needed. I was not the babysitter and would not be treated like one, I needed to be taken into consideration! My partner resisted at first, but when he saw the change in the kids behavior and how settled they were and how much they respected me, he was so glad 'we' had made changes, lol! All I can say is, stand up for yourself or you'll start to resent his kids because you'll feel like the babysitter and that you're not an important part of the household, and that's just not true!!

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Mel - posted on 07/27/2012

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It sounds like your anger is misdirected.
There are a few things.
1. Your husband should discuss things with you beforehand. (The nature of this situation is emotional)
2. There are things that are out of your husbands control, he has to just deal with it. (The nature of this situation is emotional)
3. There are things that are out of his ex-wifes control, she has to just deal with it. (The nature of this situation is emotional)

Your pretty much the only one that has a choice. You can either support or not support your husband in this situation. This is not your child it is his. I know you will say, he is my husband of course I am going to be there. Then you have made a choice. Now you are number 4 on the list

4. There are things that are out of your control, you have to just deal with it. (The nature of this situation is emotional)

Take some time to speak to your husband, about your limits and what you are willing to do.
If you do not, then you have no one to blame but yourself.
Accept that you may not be part of the discussion with the ex .
He is the one who is responsible for the decisions. If he knows your limits, he knows when he can give the go ahead and when he can't.
In situations where my hubby is going to be involved, I usually tell my Ex I need to think about it unless I know he would be OK with it.
Take control of what you can and let go of what you can't!

Maree - posted on 12/14/2011

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I also meant that people on CoM expect me to be this way...I don't think anyone who is not in your situation will EVER even come close to "getting it"...

Maree - posted on 12/14/2011

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I hope we don't have the same bio mum,i wouldn't wish that bitch on my worst enemy.lol

[deleted account]

OMG Kel! Do you and I have the same bio mom?!?!? Because you just perfectly expressed what I have been through and what's expected of bio dad and me! Haha! Except my DH is no longer so unreasonable as to agree with that mindset (he agreed with a big portion of it in the beginning...not anymore because he finally came to his senses, thank God!)

Elise - posted on 11/08/2011

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I think that it is your business and you must be part of the decision making if it affects you, you are the one dropping them at school, what would happen if you weren't there? You are his wife not just another one of the kids, it is a little bit degrading and disrespectful actually that they are not involving you. This is your life as well, you are not a kid but an adult married to a man who should be treating you as his partner. Your husband should respect you as his partner and involve you in decisions that are affecting your married life together. Plain and simple.

Denise - posted on 01/11/2010

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Oh but it IS ur business!! When u married this man u not only married him but his children! And u DO have a say in whats going on if it invovles u!! U r the one getting them off to school and doing all the mom things! Before ur husband makes any decissions regaurding his children the two of u should discuss whats on the table n make the decission together on how it plays out! If the 2 of u r not 1 in regaurds to these decissions then u will deal with bigger problems than this as time goes on. If his X can't respect his choice to talk with u first than so be it. But ALL and any decissions about any of the children should be made together! U r a FAMILY. I have had to deal with these same kind of issues and the mintue we became united as 1 and made any and all decissions about his children together it was smooth sailing from there on in to date!! Honey u r his wife n now play a very BIG role in his childrens lives u should NOT feel as if u r butting in or it's not ur bussiness. U have to work together to have a solid marriage and bound! He needs to have more respect for u than what u r saying. Being a step mother is a very very hard job!! It takes special woman to be a step mom and a good one at that! Who wants to be the wicked step mom?? NO ONE! All of ur lifes will be richer if u 2 work together!!! Don't knw if I've helped any but I'm here if u need any words of wisdom frm sumone who's been dealin with this for 12 yrs.

Much love

Rebecca - posted on 12/18/2009

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Aw honey you are not the only one out there. I am in the same situation as I am a stay at home mom with my husband and my daughter. When his two children are here I also am the taxi, maid, chief & laundry mat. I accepted this situtaion for years (my husband and I have been married now for 12-years) as I didnt wnat to be the thorn that prevented my husband from having a great realtionship with his children. I grew up as a childchild myself where my own stepmother didnt want anything to do with my brother and I. She wouldnt even brush my hair.



In this present situation of yours I am going to tell you what I did myself and it actually worked out.



I told my husband and his ex that I did not have a say what their major decisions regarding their children where but that I did have a say on how I was going to allow them and the children to treat me in my home. I told my husbna d and his ex that just because they decisions with their own schedules in mind that in my home my schedule came into play.



That I would be happy to accomidate their & the childrens schedule as long as both the mother and my husband could handle it alone. But when it came to my schedule that I just was not able to accomidate everything they had decided on i.e. driving, drop off, pick ups. etc. That they would have to step up in that area and that I was going to go about what my daughter, husband and household needed. That his ex's plans were no longer my concern and that I was not her personal day care.

Amy - posted on 12/13/2009

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It IS your business... your husband is your business and his offspring are also your business. you married your husband and he was a package deal therefore he and his ex need to realize that any decisions that need to be made are to be made as a family unit! You deserve respect too. DEMAND that you get it!!!

Kimberly - posted on 12/05/2009

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When you married him they became your business. The husband nor the ex should EXPECT you to be the silent partner and just do what they tell you to do. Your husband and you are actually the TEAM that you are on and the two of you have the goal of what is to be done that is best for all the kids and that includes his two from a previous marriage. They can't just squeeze you out. If you have to always put their parental needs first then when you have a parental need with your child it will be expected that it come after what they want you to do. Bottom line is that you need to set the standard now or you will continually be asked or demanded to set you priorities aside. Just set your husband down and explain to him that while doing what the other kids need is not something that you mind in the least you do need to be included in the decision making and when he makes YOUR decisions with HIS ex- that is not making a family with you. And that when the two of you married you became a team with him and that is where his place is and the two of you should be saying to her what you two can and will do when it comes to the other little ones. Not him and her saying to you what is to be done.

Kristina - posted on 11/30/2009

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it is your business! the primary decisions should be made by the natural parent, BUT things such as visitations and such should be discussed with you. you are the one that is there and seeing that they are off to school , parties or activites. you as the step-mom are the care giver along with your husband. kids from divorces are a package deal and your husband along with his x needs to realize that you love the children as your own and provide for them. you should be included in decision making even if it is nothing more than being informed or just asking your opinion. step moms children gre in their heart not their belly, it doesnt change the responsibility level
i wish you well and the patience you need to find a peaceful solution to this problem.

Julie - posted on 11/28/2009

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hi alexandra
i feel for you
but for me the shose is on the other foot,so am not much help.
best i can offer you is it's up to your husband to step up and make a stand for you both
but i would all so stress to him that he needs to talk to you frist when it comes to things you will be doing for his children while he is at work or away
sorry am not much help
but good luck anyway

Tammy - posted on 11/24/2009

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Ok Alexandra, so it's been over a month sense you've posted. Let us know how your making out... You have a surport team here girl, and were all wondering about your situation. Has is gotten any better? Have you had a talk with your husband to let him know how you feel? Give us an update!! :-)

Katherine - posted on 11/24/2009

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i completly aggree with Tomorrow Riley-Clucus....if he tells her that this is your decision also and include you in the discusion and the decision making maybe she will realize that decisions that are made do affect you. make it known (not in a mean way) that okay so ill need to get her ready for the bus in the morning and where do i need to take her for the party and did you get the gift or do i need to ....if your the one doin all the work nonshalantly let it be known in the conversation..and your husband should involve you no and ifs or but about it even if it didnt affect you your his wife

hope this helps
best wishes

Jenneth - posted on 11/16/2009

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Quoting Jayne :

I have been doing this for 12+ years and it is not easy. Whenever you talk to your husband remember to start off with a compliment like " I appreciate that you want to spend time with your kids and think you are a great father. I love helping you out and being a step-parent to your kids, but if you are going to make any more decisions about the kids that require my participation, I would appreciate being consulted ahead of time, especially since I will soon be scheduling things for the baby like doctors appts., moms morning out, library toddler time, play dates, etc. I think it would help to be on the same page with your husband. I have his, hers and ours so it can get complicated. I definitely wouldn't take it up with the ex though. Your issue is with your husband.


 

Jenneth - posted on 11/16/2009

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thats just it dont do the work if you all cant sit down the three of you to decide how to work things out to make it better for all of you and they wont include you in on the decision making them im sorry anything concerning them cooking cleaning etc will be done by the two of them

Mindy - posted on 11/15/2009

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i think you can look at it both ways. 1 it will give you a chance to spend more time with your stepkids. 2 it can be a major issue when you are not appreciated. personally i would have it out with the ex. heck i would just have my say in front of the ex and your hubby and make it clear u r not a doormat. i have 2 stepkids both by different moms and neither mom has asked me to do things with the kids as far as bussing them places. but i would have no problem doing it if i was asked, bc it gives me more time to spend with them. mine r both teenagers so we dont see them very often anyway.

[deleted account]

I have been doing this for 12+ years and it is not easy. Whenever you talk to your husband remember to start off with a compliment like " I appreciate that you want to spend time with your kids and think you are a great father. I love helping you out and being a step-parent to your kids, but if you are going to make any more decisions about the kids that require my participation, I would appreciate being consulted ahead of time, especially since I will soon be scheduling things for the baby like doctors appts., moms morning out, library toddler time, play dates, etc. I think it would help to be on the same page with your husband. I have his, hers and ours so it can get complicated. I definitely wouldn't take it up with the ex though. Your issue is with your husband.

Julia - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hang on, who says that it's none of your business? I thought in a marriage that it is a group/joint effort to raise kids? It sounds like to me that you are given the short end of the stick here. That is not fair or right for them to make decisions without your say/input since you are the other parent here. I go through similar things with my husband's ex, but she just makes decisions and we (us and the kids) have to deal with it.Is your husband giving you a say in the matter? You may be the stay at home mom, but raising children is far more difficult and rewarding than a normal job. How would he like to trade shoes with you? Send me a message if you want to chat.

Anita - posted on 11/11/2009

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This is how you deal wit it, You will come out on top of this. It's hard but in the end those kids will love and respect you more if you just chill and remember that the are you childs siblings....Keep this line open for the kids. I know it's hard, get on here talk with others, talk things over with hubby, maybe every other weekend...

Julie - posted on 11/11/2009

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I've been dealing with this for the past 5 years almost... any chance she get's she tells me I have no business with er kids or even around them. She tried to get the courts to grant her an order saying I couldn't be around them when they came to my house to see their father.. She stated I was a "psycho and unfit to be around children". Mind you I have 2 children of my own....... Needless to say the courts laughed and told her no way, they didn't expect me to leave my home every time the kids came to visit. It is still to a point that when the kids come here (we live in NY and they live in MI) we found out that they are ordered by their mother to "hate me and not listen to me". When they get here obviously they do and things go ok, but when they leave we find out that they get yelled at for being near me or listening to me. My husband, their father works during the day until at least 4pm, so I am obviously in charge all day. I have put up with SO much from this.............. thing that everyone i tell what I've been through they all are amazed of how well I've put up with it and didn't run away. I've been though in the last 5 years AT LEAST 75-80 false police and cps calls... (those are each not all together) She tried to have me arrested by having her then 5 yr old tell police that I touched her then 8 month old daughter inappropriately while changing her diaper, only thing that saved me was her son told the officer that "mommy told me to say that". SHE GOT AWAY WITH IT TOO... WTF!?!? And I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, she got away with entering my vehicle and assaulting me, then she was able to obtain an order of protection against me. I was just sitting in my truck and she opened my door and hit me... I didn't do anything because I didn't want to get hurt because... duh I was pregnant. This is only about 2% of the stuff I've gone though with her.. there is SO much more, and I expect more as the years go by. In the end when the kids get here their fine. Glad to see their dad, me, step brother and 1/2 brother and we all have a blast. The day their supposed to leave they all have panic attacks because they don't want to go back to their mother. I know I"m not the only one that goes through this!!

Cheri - posted on 11/10/2009

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I am so glad to hear I'm not the only one with this problem! My husband volunteered me to pick up our three children (my step-children) from their mother's house two days a week on her weeks at 5:30 am. I have talked with him about including me in decisions since I am the one who has to do them. It's getting better.

I am 24 and have been a step-mom since I was 20. I have no children of my own and my husband is now in a wheelchair. It's been tough trying to figure out parenting much less parenting 9, 7, and 2 1/2 year olds that are already set in their ways. My kids are now 13, 10, and 5 and in some ways things are better. In others, they are the same.

I am so thankful that there are other people I can talk to about this stuff!

Danielle - posted on 11/05/2009

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Have you joined any of the step-mom groups on here? If not send me a message and I will send you them to check out. Most of these sites are awesome to if nothing else give us step-moms an outlet to vent about these issues. Not to mention some have very good ideas for things to try when dealing with the psychos(OOps I mean bios). Start by checking out stepchicks.com.

Nicole - posted on 11/05/2009

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It definately IS your business! Your husband should realize that! I went through that for a while. It was a battle. I won. Now he doesnt make any decisions with her without talking to me first. I realize they have kids together, but i am his wife now. And I run our household, so anything that has to do with our household will go through me. Good luck, know your place and stand firm in it.

Donna - posted on 11/04/2009

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1 - Tell your hubby to get joint custody first off all

2 - Tell him to quit worrying about her not letting him see the kids - he has rights as a father.

3- You cannot do anything about the ex, she is that - the ex. That's what you need to remember. You are part of his life and always will be (hopefully) and obviously, his ex is nasty and always will be. You need to realize that he is with you.

- As for doing things for his kids, that is YOUR choice because it makes you feel good - doesn't it? When his ex have the kids, tell him that it's his job to take them wherever and that you are not involved in that part of his past mariage to her - he needs to step up to the plate. ANd hun, I would forget about anyone saying thank you, especially his ex.

Tammy - posted on 11/01/2009

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I too have two stepkids too 11&9. I don't know why you say this isn't your business. It is your life! And like you said, your the one who gets them ready for school, your the one who cleans the house, feeds the kids, does the laundry, etc, etc, etc. I know this because as a mother step or not, it all ends up on us. Sit down with your husband, I'm sure he's not shutting you out on purpose. Guys don't see things until they're hit in the head with it usually. Your his wife, and that makes you his life partner. You probably share the household budget with each other, the household chores too maybe, you have to share things in order to run your household smoothly. You are not there bm but you do want the best for them and him. Ask him if he's willing to run things by you before giving her an answer. Explain to him, if he continues to shut you out you will eventually start to resent the kids and your duties as there step mom and you don't want to do that. Even though they aren't your biological kids, you should have a vote when it involves You!! and your house. I have two kids and my husband has two. We do not have any together but whatever happens in our home, regurading ANY of the kids we discuss it. If it happens at our house, on our time, then it is "our" business. Because my business is his business and vice versa. If his ex calls and wants him to take the kids. He Always tells her he'll get back to her. We don't owe her an answer right when she calls!! We don't owe her Anything actually! If my ex calls and asks for extra time with our kids, I too will tell him that I have to check to see if we have any plans that day. My husband and I discuss everything together. Then we call them back and give them an answer. They may not like it but, they don't have to. We don't answer to them anymore...

When we got married we each had two kids, but now we have four. We knew it'd be hard work to blend families and we promised that we'd work our hardest at it. We vowed we'd make it work one way or another. We back each other 100%. We have discussions every 1-2 months about what is working and what is not. We discuss kids and there attitudes, punishments, etc. We let each other know what they did right or wrong in a certain situation. We address any concerns we may have. We discuss ex's and different situations that come up. Many times an ex is trying to pull a fast one and you may not see it, but when you discuss it. The outside person can bring it to your attention and help come up with suggestions. We need these meetings, to share with each other our own struggles, as well as ALL the other struggles of a blended family. Good luck, I'm sure your husband will be happy to include you in dicision making but he may not realize that your interested. Guys really don't get things... You have to come right out with it, they don't see suttle hints like we do.

Erika - posted on 11/01/2009

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Hi Hun, This is a tough one. I imagine it's especially tough with a new baby too. My husband has done this to me in the past. Luckily for me though his ex and I get along very well. I'm sure their arguement is that you "signed" up for this role when you married your husband but I think that's a load of crap. They should include you, atleast your husband should. You're their stepmother, not a free babysitter. They need to run things by you. I bet if you decided to stay at a friends on a Sunday night your husband might get the point. I imagine you worry about the kids liking you and what they'll think. I bet it's tough. My husband said you should go away for a weekend to a friends or your parents for a visit and let your husband and his ex realize how much easier you make thier lives. I wish I had the solution for you. Just keep your head up and your foot down. You have a new baby to worry about. Keep us posted. Good luck girl!

Candace - posted on 10/29/2009

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Well first thing is you are not alone. Next is it is your business especially if you are the one that takes care of them on the weekends. Your husband should respect you and talk to you first when it comes to his ex. He should realize you are his wife that means to talk to you before doing anything even if it is just to ask your opinion. Ask him if the situation was reversed how would he feel. It took me a while for me to get my husband to understand how I felt but he did realize this finally. I know how you are feeling and I wish you the best.

Nora - posted on 10/28/2009

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You need to tell your husband exactly what was said on your post. Your husband needs to stand up for you and tell his ex that it does involve you for all the above reasons. You are a step-mom or surrogate mom who is taking care of those kids as if they were your own and for that you are entitled to her respect (although good luck seeing that) and the childrens' respect. You are entitled to respect also from your husband because it is your home. You have a life, you have a 4 month old baby of your own to deal with. Tell them you don't mind making sacrifices or adjusting, but if it's done with you as an outsider, it starts to build resentment and that is never good for anyone involved. Stand your ground and whip your husband's butt into shape!

Rachel - posted on 10/27/2009

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i just was out spoken about my feelings to the both of them.sometimes its hard but if you dont stand up for yourself and break down that wall youll be trapped there until you cant take it anymore and explode .is all your fustration worth the loss of your new family unit? i think not .and if your husband isnt man enough to take your feelings in to consideration and just assumes its ok because your married thats going to lead into deeper problems like communication,the stress isnt worth it girl .stand your ground and say what you need to .you are now a whole family and the ex will be in your life the rest of your days ..........you have every right . im also a stepmom and a mother of 3 of my own and 3 of my mans all teenagers and believe me it wont get any easier ..........rae

Alexandra - posted on 10/24/2009

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To Shaunacy and Michelle (and everyone else) THANK YOU!!!! I'm ove rthe biggest anger part right now, but I have decided that in the future if it is "none of my business", it really won't be because I won't be here when the kids are here!!! And no guilt on my part because everyone has reasonable notice as to my boundaries. I have to say, if it ever went to mediation adn they didn't want me there, I would definitely call teh person in charge of that decision (the mediator) and explain my position VERY clearly and find out how that's in teh best interest of the kids....that would anger me beyond belief.
Thank you everyone for being so understanding....it is so good to know that I'm not the only one with these issues and to see how you all have dealt with them

Michelle - posted on 10/24/2009

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Tell your hubby. I had to have the same chat with my hubby when we were moving, that *I* am part of the decision making process in our partnership. I wouldn't make plans that would affect his job schedule, he can't make plans that will affect mine. We are a team and it is JOINT decision making so we can discuss everything. This was really hard when it came to hashing out new parenting plans when we moved. But all of the kids get along so well that I wanted them to have the most time together possible. I resented that the mediation people didn't want me there (I guess they thought I might intimidate the ex???WHAT???She kicked HIM out...how am *I* intimidating???) And I resented that my husband didn't support MY role as his partner, and thus a 50/50 decision making in the process.



Bottom line, don't take it up with the ex. Take it up with your partner. Let him know how it affects you and thus affects the kids. There is likely to be a lot less animosity if he includes you in the process. He couldn't do it without you, after all!



If that doesn't work...let him know that you are conveniently UNavailable those mornings and make plans for early morning walks with other moms in the neighborhood so he has to find a way to get them ready and out the door on his own.



Depending, of course, on your relationship with the SKs. If you want to "relationship build", that is a good time to do it. Gentle wake up in the morning, breakfast together and talking about the day ahead and what is planned for the day. I LOVE mornings because it is when I have my most parenting energy. Last minute spelling test prep, or multiplication table challenges. But, easy for me to say since I'm a morning person. I don't do evenings! By the end of the day I am wiped out and have a harder time parenting.(consequently kids and SKs know when to push me and I cave.)



I wish you good luck with this! I hope your partner understands and takes your feelings to heart. Best of luck with your new Monday morning schedule!

Shaunacy - posted on 10/24/2009

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Well I know it sounds silly, but try going on STRIKE!!!! lol they'll notice ur part of the family wether they like it or not if they see you aren't doing what they want at their every beck and call!!!! If they want to keep you out of decisions then let them deal with their own decisions, the kids go to school from your house, well dad has to be late for work on mondays cuz he needs to send the kids to school and so on... Sorry but that's my opinion. I have a step daughter and unless I'm included in the decision making I have made it clear that I won't be part of the rest of the process either. You and too many other moms are taken for granted and you need to show them that it should not be a "thankless" job. My opinion, I know I'm too brutal, but I hope it helps!!!

Brandy - posted on 10/19/2009

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i had a simular problem. my fiance has a very nasty unhappy exwife and she does everything she can to make things hard. we have 5 kids 3 are mine and 2 are his.its easier to fight with me then her so he would give in to her and i finally got to the point that i was gonna leave and he knew i wasnt just calling a bluff he know has for the most part been there for me and WE help eachother out not only am i doing everything but i get help from him and he now asks me first if he needs me to do something for him when it comes to his kids if he isnt helping you at al it wont work and the kids know how to play the game

[deleted account]

You need to talk to your husband about this. He should include you in those decisions as they directly effect you.

As far as the ex wife goes. I've got one too and for some reason she has been super nice as of late. I'm not questioning it. I just put my best smile on and try to be welcoming. I want ALL of our kids to see we can be nice despite the awkwardness of it all. If she chooses to act ugly, it's on her. I won't take the bait, nor will I act out in return. She only controls or effects my life/family as much as I allow her to.

Elisabeth - posted on 10/18/2009

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It ABSOLUTELY is your business when it affects you directly. The decisions that you are not involved in are things like: what doctor the skids see, should they be allowed to play soccer, etc. Things that don't affect you directly. If I was you, I would tell my husband good luck on figuring out Monday morning with your kids. If I'm not involved enough to be consulted, then I am *not involved* at all.

Toni - posted on 10/18/2009

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speak to your husband tell him that if your not allowed in the decision making then you will not act on them, which would mean him having to be around monday morning, tell him your not a paid nanny and you dont intend to act like one, if he wants you to care for his children then you have to be included completely.. Men want the simple life and us women normally do everything to make it happen, this time you need to stand firm and refuse to be a door mat to him or 2 his ex.

Tomorrow - posted on 10/17/2009

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Hi Alexandra,
My advice to you is that your husband needs to STEP UP! As the "other" woman/step mother it is not your place to negotiate situations with your HUSBAND'S ex, however marriage is a partnership and so any decisions made therein should be thoroughly discussed between the two of you PRIOR to negotiations with the other party.
You and your husband are a unit. What would he think if you volunteered him to babysit your best friend's kids, overnight, while the two of you go out of town, BY THE WAY you're leaving in 10 minutes? Every sunday until you decide to stop. I am sure you are not upset about having to care for your step children, however I can clearly understand how you may be upset that he doesn't recognize the added responsibility he has hefted on your shoulders without considering that you may be stressed by the additional chore, coupled with the responsibilities you have involving your infant. (Congratulations, by the way) As far as the ex goes, there is little you can do about them or their attitudes. This is baggage that HE brought to your relationship, therefore it is up to him to mediate your(husband and wife) terms with her. I cannot stress enough that you two must be a unified front, in all things. Together as a team you will find all that you need, but divided you will wither.
Best of luck!!

Kristy - posted on 10/17/2009

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I have a step- daughter and although I don't care for her mom, not a good parent at all.I love my step-daughter very much and would do anything in the world for her. I take care of her like she is my child. If she needs something I'm there(both of us) with no objection to me. How would you want another woman to treat your child? You have to keep an open mind when dealing with children, they didn't ask to be here. As for the mother, I'm not sure how you deal with his ex, but my husband ex doesn't interveine like that and we only deal w/ her when it comes to his daughter.I see it this way, you are his wife and you do have a say BECAUSE you are the one wearing the ring. My husbands ex trys to make slick comments but if they know it gets to you they will do it.

Alexandra - posted on 10/17/2009

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It helps just knowing I'm not the only other light switch out there...thats the best way to put it unfortunately :P Thanks

Elmary - posted on 10/17/2009

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I feel you when you figure out how let me know so I can try. I have complained and asked nicely to my husband, I have written and spoke to the ex about this, and it has not changed in over 8 years.

I feel like a light switch most of the time. When they need me to do something that concerns my SS then I get to know what is going on with him, but if not then I'm suppose to not care, or have a say in the matter.(I don't blame my husband because he doesn't want to have her hold that against him seeing his son) I would like to hear what these moms are thinking. Sorry I know that doesn't help u but just know you are not alone.

Alexandra - posted on 10/16/2009

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I normally don't mind but I've been doing this for years with not so much as a thank you from my husband or his ex....and she is NASTY and won't even acknowledge me as having any part of their or their dad's life even though we are married and have been together for almost 5 years

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