How do you fet kids to be respectful?

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Leeann - posted on 01/11/2014

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we require yes sir and sir and yes ma'am no ma'am from our kids. we have 5 boys.

Sara - posted on 01/30/2012

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Jessica: They don't take you seriously, because you don't set a rule and back it up with action. Here's what you do.



Call a family meeting and let them know that the times, they are a-changing. You are done with -- not tired of, but done with -- being the maid. From now on, when they play with toys and leave them out, you will give them one reminder. After the reminder, they have X hours to go clean up the mess. If the mess is not cleaned up, you will clean up those toys one last time -- by throwing them away.



And then you follow through, without tsking or a told-you-so sort of voice. Just do it, calmly, nicely. If they freak out afterwards, send them to their rooms, and if they continue to misbehave, start removing privileges. If they're in shock, have a chat with them afterwards about respect, and about how in order to get respect, you must give respect, and they have not been behaving respectfully by treating you as their maid. Use how upset they are to show them how angry they might be if someone else treated them badly routinely, and if they don't think that maybe it's their action -- how they treat you -- that resulted in the consequence -- you didn't stop to consider how much they like that toy, or whatever it is. That respect and thinking about each other in a family goes both ways.



I guarantee they'll be more careful to clean up after themselves. Good luck!

Sara - posted on 01/30/2012

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Amen -- respect doesn't happen unless you teach, demand, and *display* it.



My girl knows that talking back, ignoring me, and disobeying are roads to serious trouble. But -- and it's an important but -- she makes a real effort to communicate, and I make sure to shut myself up and listen. She's still in elem., but she's already told me that if she's SO MAD about something I told her to do, please just let her go into her room and cool off, don't follow her in there and keep talking at her. Which is awesome, and she does just what she says. She'll go in there and ten minutes later she comes out with "I'm sorry" and a hug and we start over. She also calls me out if she thinks I'm being disrespectful in any way, and I let her do that.



She's very surprised, and somewhat disapproving, when her friends disrespect their moms and teachers. The funny thing is she disapproves of the *parenting*, and says the mom ought to do something about the kid's behavior. (Or that I should offer to teach her what to do! I think maybe not. :D)



I have to say, too, that as a single mom it's been awesome for me, teaching and demanding respect. I somehow never noticed before how horribly so many men treat women. My rule now is that if I wouldn't take some behavior or attitude from my daughter, I sure won't take it from a grown man.

Jessica - posted on 09/30/2010

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I have a problem with gettin kids to help clean they keep ignoring me until i get mad and then i find myself yelling. I don't like to have to yell. I ask nicely then i use the tone sometimes it works but i'm getting to much resistence for my taste - any advice? They try the but i didn't do that...I don't care who made the mess I just want it cleaned and i'm tired of them making it in the first place. I clean everyday and feel like that's all i do- they think it's my job to be there maid. i want work together as a family how do i do this??

Meghan - posted on 04/28/2010

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All I've ever had to do with mine is speak to them the way I want them to speak to me. I would say thank you and your welcome to them at the appropriate times until they now do it on their own. They say please when they want something and they say thank you when they get it. if they do something for me, helping me, i say thank you to them and they say your welcome. You start early and you don't have to MAKE them do it. They just will.

Charity - posted on 04/28/2010

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I think the only way to have your kids be respectful is to teach them what respect is. Show them examples of what is not respectful children learn by what they see and experience. I do not tolerate back talk or disrespect and my husband and i have the benefit of being able to back each other up. Children do not always realize what they are doing because they see examples that show them it is ok
Set down the rules, give examples of how they are supposed to behave, and show them there are repercussions if they disobey

Chrissy - posted on 04/20/2010

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In answer to your question Jennifer, I'd do everything that Tammy said!!!!!! But, seeing as you wrote that question back in June last year, hopefully you've gotten some things sorted out by now!! :)

Chrissy - posted on 04/20/2010

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I know this very belated as I only just read these comments, but WELL DONE TAMMY, STACEY and all those other mums with the same attitude about discipline and respect. I was beginning to think I was the only one out there with that opinion!! I have two kids and the first is my 12 year old son. I have raised him just like that and as I said in another post I read, I couldnt be more proud of his personality and behaviour. I have always demanded respect from my son, and if i didnt get it watch out!! He knows the rules, and doesnt cross them. He knows better than that. My 16 month old daughter is being taught the same way, starting now. As far as Im concerned though, the term "bootcamp" is only used by those do gooder parents who cannot or will not control their kids, to tag disciplinarians for being bad parents. In my opinion when you are a parent that raises your child properly, "bootcamp" is just a way of saying that you run a perfectly normal household, and expect your kids to behave in an appropriate manner, at all times.

Kimberley - posted on 04/19/2010

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Hi I'm new to COM. and I would like to say that I too dislike it when I see kids being disrespectful of their elders. I was brought up with the " if you have them enjoy them" attitude. I have a son who is two years old and is already learning what it is to be respectful of others. He has said please and thank you for things he wants and needs all the time. We have taught him Baby Signs so it takes the frustration out. I think a lot of the reason kids are disrespectful though are because they aren't being heard at an early age.
When we as parents take the time to listen to our kids and what it is they are really saying to us then it makes them happy and they know they can talk to you. It is a way of parents to show respect for them. Listening to your kids is #1 respect teaching tool in my books. Also If my son does go off in a tangent and get sassy with us he gets removed from what he likes to do and has a time out away from everyone. He doesn't like it but it is teaching him respect of space and things and people.

Lexi - posted on 07/02/2009

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Hi I'm anewbie and I will post all about me in a different post. However, I loathe disrespect. I guess I run a bootcamp, too! Disrespect is just not tolerated in my home. My kids are taught about respect from the time they are about 2. We do not allow children to address adults by their first name unlesssome sort of title is used first (Mr, Miss, Mrs, Coach, etc). When we tell them to do something, it is expected that they do it then, not when they feel like it. We also model respect. Children have to be shown certain things, but they also just have to be told certain things.

Consistency is the key. The 1st time the parent doesn't respond to the misbehavior, no matter how many times you have in the past, you will be starting over from scratch. Because that's what kids do; they test boundaries. Have clear, concise, and consistent rules about disrespect (and other rules in your home), and do not falter from them. That's the key.

[deleted account]

We have a blast. Though algebra tends to last 4 hours instead of one!

That is the difference between kids that are respectful and kids that think you are stupid for interfering with their life.

I know I couldn't get anything done if mine didn't help out. My 11 year old fixed dinner tonight for us. The 8 yr old did it last week at her own request! I still have to get on them for not putting the cereal up (they leave it on the washer 2 steps from the shelf it goes on!), but they all pitch in and don't scream at me if I ask for help or remind them of their duties. I asked my 13 yr old son to help shake the tea, take the jugs to the 3rd frig, take out a bucket of wash water to the garden, and fix a drink for his 4 yr old sister while he was fixing his dinner and he did immediately what I asked before finishing his prep and sitting to eat. The 16 yr old and I butted heads over whether or not he should keep the eye of the stove red hot while an empty pan sat on it as he buttered his bread, but I ended that one quick and he did as I told him.

If people had to spend more time with their kids they might realize someone has to train them, and usually it is the poor teachers that get stuck with the job while parents whine that their kid is a good kid and shouldn't have to follow the rules.

We have the best times here even if it does get a little loud and overwhelming at times! We sure do have fun. We have had guests over that just sit and listen as we usually have 3 or 4 conversations going around the dinner table, not to mention the jokes! What a blast! I will really miss dinner times as the kids get older and move out.

The way to really enjoy your kids at all ages is to teach them how to treat other people. Respect is so vital to knowing how to enjoy relationships with others and kids need this knowledge. Who better to teach them than the ones who love them most?

[deleted account]

Thanks DDC! I appreciate the pat on the back. I've noticed that those of us that have large families do tend to have more respectful kids. I think it's just a matter of necessity. There's no way you could run a household if you had 8 kids all telling you off every time you told them anything! You don't have the luxury, in a sense, of letting them be brats. Also, homeschooled families (such as mine) usually have more polite kids because we have to put up with them all day. If they sassed me all the time, not only would school work never get done but I'd probably have eaten one of them by now! haha I think that is a major reason why so many people I know can't stand to be around their kids. If you train them to be civilized human beings, they are actually fun to be around.

[deleted account]

GO Tammy!!!!


Parents listen up!


I hate it when kids are disrespectful to adults!


I am still on my step sons who treat adults like buddies or jerks to be ignored. Now they are adults and are learning that they want that respect!!

My 8 kids are respectful and delightful. Adults are drawn to them and love to talk to them.

Respect is important! Teach your children or deal with arrogant nasty young adults!

[deleted account]

My 16 yr old read these posts and she said, "You're not nearly as mean as you make yourself sound in that post!"

[deleted account]

Quoting Missi:



Quoting Tammy:

This is my #1 pet peeve with kids: backtalk and disrespect. My approach is to have a ZERO tolerance policy on it. They never, ever get by with disrespect. It brings instant and unhappy consequences so mine do not, as a rule do it. Now, they will occasionally have a brain lapse and TRY it again (I guess just to test my resolve, see if they can get by with it) but it results in bad things every time so it is very short lived. It really helps to create an environment of respect by having rules for talking to adults. For instance, my kids are not allowed to call adults by their first name alone. It's either "Mrs. Smith" or if they are very familiar with the person or if the adult doesn't feel comfortable with that they call them "Miss Jane". Some adults fight me on this, but I am adamant. When a child is required to speak to adults in respectful words and tone, it instills actual respectful attitudes in them. You can also model this by speaking respectfully to other people and to them. I use please and thank you and ask them nicely the first time to do things (If they ignore me, then it gets more stern). I also find that "upping the ante" is very useful for respect issues. The LESS respectful they act, the MORE they are required to do and say. I've advised parents with disrespectful kids to start requiring them to say, "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir.". This reminds the child every time they talk that they are to show respect. I also up the ante on chores. If I say "empty the dishwasher" and they give me lip, I say, "Okay, if that is your attitude, you can empty it AND reload it" and I just keep adding to the list until the job is done WITH a decent attitude or at least a zipped lip. Bottom line, they are as respectful as you REQUIRE and NO MORE so you have to make sure your requirement is really high!






are you serious tammy?? it sounds like your running a boot camp.... the best and easiest way to get children to respect you is you must respect them!! how do they learn how to treat people? from us,  thier parents!! if we talk down to them and demand things from them then theyll just fight you and youll end up raising bullies!!!






Yes to get respect you must give respect, BUT to teach kids about respect they must learn the whys. Life lessons like these start at day one of life and has to be consistant.  And if tough love is in order so be it. There is no such thing as being demanding on our children, we inform them of our expectations and if they refuse to meet those expectations then they will have consequences, otherwise how will they learn to deal with respecting people and property in their adult lives??



My 2 girls are from being bullies, as Im sure the other moms children arent either. My girls are respectful of others and are very caring children, who give a lot of themselves to others, but also stand up for what they believe in and will not be intimidated by others who are bullies ( which in my experience the bullies come from so called good famillies who have been able to get what they want when they want it, as they have not had boundaries or a few lifes lessons about respect)



 

[deleted account]

Definitely running a boot camp in my house. There is no back chat or disrespect, there are consequences, they are not threats as you have to follow through with discipline, otherwise your kids will NOT respect you. My 13 yr old daughters friends think Im the coolest mum ever and she is proud to have me as her mum, even when I punish her, she knows what the punishment is for, she understands what is expected of her and knows that when she steps over the line that she will have consequences.

As does my 5 yr old.

Apart from that my girls know that they are loved and that we do all we can to give them a good life, and they can talk to us whenever they want about anything. They know that we have their best interests at heart.

Coury - posted on 06/10/2009

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you have to be constant! sometimes i feel like a drill sergent. but my kids are respectful! now kids are kids and are meant to push buttons and will not always be in the "mood" to be nice because thats just how they are. however when i ask my children for something i say please and thankyou that way they know to say it too. they are 4 and almost 3 we live in brooklyn.ny so we are always around people. they say hello hold doors open and even say bless you if someone sneezes. it takes work but it is totally worth it because after it just comes natural. i try to teach my kids to be compassionate and loving. but you better believe they would never leave my side as nice as they are they know that we cant always trust strangers!!

[deleted account]

ROFL! Not only is my home not a boot camp, I'm probably the most laid back mother I know. I have the LEAST bullying children imaginable. The REASON why I can be laid back and WHY my children are not bullies is because they were taught from a very early age to be respectful. I don't have to enforce it, as I clearly said, except on rare occasions because they learned at TWO that you don't back talk. Yes, they do try it on occasion and they go through "phases" like at around 12 where I do have to crack down again, but mostly it is not an issue. They know the rule, they follow it, we all get along great. It sounds mean only if you don't do it. When you do it and see how wonderfully your kids turn out it doesn't seem nearly as mean. People walk up to us every time we are out somewhere to tell us how wonderful and respectful our kids are. Someone told us that at a baseball game the other day, of all places! Being properly trained in how to be respectful and polite serves them in every area of their lives. Adults like them more because they aren't brats. Other children like them more because they are nicer than the bratty untrained children. They glow with pride every time people say those nice things to us about how well behaved they are. They know that I trained them but it is THEIR behavior that is being praised and it gives them a lovely sense of self-esteem and encourages them to continue being polite and respectful, seeing how much pleasure that behavior brings to others. All of my children have thanked me, including my 6 year old! They look at other children and see that not only are they miserable to BE AROUND, naughty bratty children are MISERABLE because nobody likes them and they don't know why because they've never been trained how to act. I also clearly said in my post that I model respectful behavior by speaking to them respectfully so I'm not sure why you felt the need to add that. None of this is accomplished by yelling and screaming. It is calm and matter of fact non-tolerance of disrespect. There is nothing mean or bullying about that. Someday a cop is going to pull them over and not be NEARLY as polite as I am with them and they will be glad they were taught how to be respectful to authority. It is a skill they will use their entire lives.

Missi - posted on 06/09/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

This is my #1 pet peeve with kids: backtalk and disrespect. My approach is to have a ZERO tolerance policy on it. They never, ever get by with disrespect. It brings instant and unhappy consequences so mine do not, as a rule do it. Now, they will occasionally have a brain lapse and TRY it again (I guess just to test my resolve, see if they can get by with it) but it results in bad things every time so it is very short lived. It really helps to create an environment of respect by having rules for talking to adults. For instance, my kids are not allowed to call adults by their first name alone. It's either "Mrs. Smith" or if they are very familiar with the person or if the adult doesn't feel comfortable with that they call them "Miss Jane". Some adults fight me on this, but I am adamant. When a child is required to speak to adults in respectful words and tone, it instills actual respectful attitudes in them. You can also model this by speaking respectfully to other people and to them. I use please and thank you and ask them nicely the first time to do things (If they ignore me, then it gets more stern). I also find that "upping the ante" is very useful for respect issues. The LESS respectful they act, the MORE they are required to do and say. I've advised parents with disrespectful kids to start requiring them to say, "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir.". This reminds the child every time they talk that they are to show respect. I also up the ante on chores. If I say "empty the dishwasher" and they give me lip, I say, "Okay, if that is your attitude, you can empty it AND reload it" and I just keep adding to the list until the job is done WITH a decent attitude or at least a zipped lip. Bottom line, they are as respectful as you REQUIRE and NO MORE so you have to make sure your requirement is really high!



are you serious tammy?? it sounds like your running a boot camp.... the best and easiest way to get children to respect you is you must respect them!! how do they learn how to treat people? from us,  thier parents!! if we talk down to them and demand things from them then theyll just fight you and youll end up raising bullies!!!

[deleted account]

This is my #1 pet peeve with kids: backtalk and disrespect. My approach is to have a ZERO tolerance policy on it. They never, ever get by with disrespect. It brings instant and unhappy consequences so mine do not, as a rule do it. Now, they will occasionally have a brain lapse and TRY it again (I guess just to test my resolve, see if they can get by with it) but it results in bad things every time so it is very short lived. It really helps to create an environment of respect by having rules for talking to adults. For instance, my kids are not allowed to call adults by their first name alone. It's either "Mrs. Smith" or if they are very familiar with the person or if the adult doesn't feel comfortable with that they call them "Miss Jane". Some adults fight me on this, but I am adamant. When a child is required to speak to adults in respectful words and tone, it instills actual respectful attitudes in them. You can also model this by speaking respectfully to other people and to them. I use please and thank you and ask them nicely the first time to do things (If they ignore me, then it gets more stern). I also find that "upping the ante" is very useful for respect issues. The LESS respectful they act, the MORE they are required to do and say. I've advised parents with disrespectful kids to start requiring them to say, "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir.". This reminds the child every time they talk that they are to show respect. I also up the ante on chores. If I say "empty the dishwasher" and they give me lip, I say, "Okay, if that is your attitude, you can empty it AND reload it" and I just keep adding to the list until the job is done WITH a decent attitude or at least a zipped lip. Bottom line, they are as respectful as you REQUIRE and NO MORE so you have to make sure your requirement is really high!

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