how to handle bio mom

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

I have recently become a step-mom to a 16-1/2 year old that my husband signed away when he was a teenager and has now sought out his bio dad. My husband had never met this child or talked to the bio mom for all this time, since before the baby was actually born. The bio mom has admitted to still having feelings for my husband and is constantly emailing, IM'ing and trying to talk to him all day long, every day. She says things like how much she'll miss him when he logs off the computer. I'm feel like she doesn't respect our marriage and our family. I want to tell my husband to limit his conversations with her, that he's building a relationship with his almost adult son and not her. I understand that she is his mother and will always be part of this relationship in some way, but I think she is overstepping here bounds. Am I right to feel this way or am I just being paranoid. This step-mom think is very, very new to me. I don't even have any step families on either side of my family tree. How much contact should I expect between the bio mom and my husband in this situation? My husband says he does like to talk to her because it is an easy way for him to get background and information on his son, but I feel that he's just feeding her feelings that she still has for him.

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Sandy - posted on 10/21/2010

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Wow! Sounds to me that boundaries need to be established now, before this gets out of hand. There is no reason for your husband to talk to her unless it is verifying him visiting him, or to establish a visitaton schedule, but really, this could be done with his son and then relayed to her. I'm sure your husband thinks its harmless....and it may be , but it is definitely playing with fire. Most people don't go out "looking" to have an affair....but your intentions are not always the same as the other person.....so, what you consider harmless, may mean the world to someone else. Especially someone where there has been a past relationship. Your husband will have to be the one to set the boundaries, but he needs to do it now.

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Cherie - posted on 10/12/2010

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Hi Jenny
I feel the same concerns about the bio-mum. Yes she is definately overstepping the boundary and yes you have the right to feel this way. The new relationship is between father and son only. Any relationship between father and bio-mom should be restricted. Consider the rift it is already causing! And also consider the possible outcomes. The goal should be to absorb the son into your life, not to become a part of their life.

Ashley - posted on 10/12/2010

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Hard one if he wants to build a relationship with his son he's going to have to go threw the bio mom but she should not be talking to him like that nor should he be incureging it. I would try to wait until him and his son have a closer relationship then bring it up if its still a problem. right now he's probably putting up with it because he wants to get to no his son good luck

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