I am a step-mom. Can anyone tell me what roll is mine in a blended family.

Amy - posted on 07/08/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I am a step-mom have been for 6 years and still to this day I don't know what roll I have has a step-parent. I feel my husband should be the main one to his children and I am to mine and we have one together were agree on her. But I feel they have a mom and I don't want to take her place and if they do something wrong he should fixes it. I mean I will sometimes but I don't feel I should all the time. I feel this makes me the evil step- mom. Help! what should I do?

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Brandi - posted on 07/24/2010

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Amy - I have read some of your replies and I agree - when you figure it out let me know !!! I am a step mom to two older children and I have a younger one. It's hard for me because I do not have older children myself so I do not know what is normal behavior and what isn't. I try to dicipline and I am the "bit&&" LOL.......I just don't know where I stand. He supports me with most my decisions and I think that is what is important. As long as their father doesn't over ride what you do or say then I think it's just our role...... as step mom's we are just .....well...... Lost in our role......

Sue - posted on 07/14/2010

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Hmmmmm.....wow there are some awesome responses out there! Can take a little or a lot from all of them but in the end you have to do what is right, and what works, for your own family. I'm not a big fan of 'step' this and 'step' that actually....I am step-mother to my husband's son and he is step-dad to my son and we have a son and a daughter that are ours but in our house (and in the boys' other homes) we refer to ourselves as PARENTS. My son lives full-time with us and my step-son is the opposite and both boys know that both sets of parents love them very much PERIOD right off the top. All the decisions we make for those kids start from that and we follow some simple rules when it comes to the other parents. My husband NEVER slam the other parent to our children....EVER. If I can give one bith of advice there it is. Don't do it....if you do it will creep up on you later and bite ya on the ass I swear. You have every right to make decisions for those kids that specifically relate to the rules you and your husband have established for YOUR home....PERIOD. Don't negotiate on this one....kids are smart and the more parents they have the more times they will try to get things their own way be it extended curfews, more allowances, more freedom...etc etc. When it comes to disciplining my step-son, who is a teenager like my own son, the first word and the final word always goes to my husband but my opinion and suggestions are always appreciated. That's something you and your husband have to agree on. If kids see you two wavering you are doomed. It may sound kinda cold but these things really work and I can honestly tell you that despite some tough times we are all, and by all I mean both sets of parents, love the kids very much. My son has a different relationship with his step-mom than he does with me, same goes for my husband and my son, my step-son and me...and so on...and son on. Live it the way it works for your family and for yourself. Just love them and 'step' in when you have something to contribute that's in your family's best interest. There will be tough times, don't let anyone fool you on that one, but in the end as long as you care about them and they KNOW that each moment will work itself out. And above all else.....stay united with your spouse, back each other up and discuss any disagreements about the kids in private. You and your husband are the head of the ship and as long as you two stay strong and stay together you can weather anything that is thrown at you. Wow...corny and long winded but there it is from me....take care of you, yours and his......

Yolande - posted on 07/14/2010

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Hi there. First I want to say yes I felt like that too He should handle his kids,but ladies we got into this so we have to make it work,(for Us) most of the arguments will always be about the ex or the kids, but make it work for yourselfs. It is your homes (yours and your husbands) focus on that. Do not let ex wifes come and want to rule your home, be the same about the mothers house. The kids feel safe here sharing with us. I give my ideas and support to my husband and then he handles it with THE mother, o and just know it will take a lot of biting and wanting to kill him half of the time they do not always get it, just keep on being a step ahead. I am a step- mom of 3 kids girl 17yrs and twins of 7 (boy and girl) and then have our 2 year old girl. Have been step-mom now for 6 years, well all that has worked in our home is the following... I mad rules in our home for us and the kids (my husband just had to go with it, for Us) He also can not take it all on due to his work. All the rules we have in our home is FOR OUR HOME I always say ... remember to say" This is our home and the rules the kids have is for our home. Ladies you are going to say this to your husbands 100 of times This is our house not the ex, what we say go and you and your husband have to come together on this make a date night, and please ladies your husbands might come up with plans but please do not hold your breathe, be prepaired for making most of the plans. I know it is not nice to have to take stand to someone elses kids but 1/2 of them is your husbands focus on that. It will make it easier for you to love the kids, handle the kids and dissipline the kids if you keep that thought in our head. Ladies you are not the evil step moms we are moms that married and love men that was married before, not our fault!!! Make sure you girls have your men as a team when it comes to the ex and kids. My Mom gave me good advice "Build a wall around you and your husband" And trust me it needs to be a HIGH one nobody should be in there other than the two of you. This way nothing will come in between the two of you. I hope I helped a little bit. All homes are diffrent but some things, I lurned are all so the same. Good luck . Yo

Vanessa - posted on 07/12/2010

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Do you care for your stepchildren? Do you also want them to grow up and be the best person they can be? Then you treat them the same as you would your own. If you don't want a close relationship and lasting bond with your stepchildren then just treat them with respect and come to an agreement with your partner and his ex. Do what you feel is right for you and your new family. Regards

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24 Comments

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Jane - posted on 07/23/2010

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When they're at your house, you act as mom. When they're at her house, she acts as mom. You're not their mom, and you know it. But your husband isn't always around, is he? So sometimes you have to do the disciplining, etc.

My house, my rules, is perfectly acceptable and understandable by and for kids.

Khrys - posted on 07/22/2010

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There are a few simple rules I live by as both stepchild and stepmom:
1. Your house, your rules. Period.
2. All the children are your children. Some may have additional moms or dads, but they are all yours.
3. Equality in both praise and discipline with every child. No parent should be the enforcer for one child and the passive for another. It causes chaos in both your marriage and your family.
4. No matter what the ex does in front of any of the kids, YOU take the high road. You don't have to continiously praise the other parents, but do not criticize them in front of the kids. You will get much more respect for not belittling their heroes, no matter how psychotic we think they are.
5. Don't put the kids in the middle. When one reports that mommy's got a new boyfriend or a new car, ask the child how they feel about it, instead of making it about the other parent.
6. United we stand, divided we fall. Each decision with the children must be supported by the spouse in front of the child.

That last one is really tricky. I was a divorced mom of one, he was a divorcing dad of five (two from his deceased wife, three from his ex-wife) when we met. Three different families, three different sets of values. My husband always gave in to our oldest, even when I wouldn't back down. I'd get on his case about being to harsh with my son when he wasn't like that with his kids. We both eased up on the two kids and now stand as one with family decisions. The most important thing to remember is a "stepmom" is still a mom. You will never again be first, but you can always be the best you. I have been lucky though...I followed those guidelines from the beginning, and every single one of those now seven kids hug me, trust me, and tell me they love me on a regular basis. The primary "Evil Stepmom" scenario is an angry ex venting. Kids think you split their parents up and are taking that parent away from them, no matter how old they are. The mean reaction is fear taking over, which grows into hate if you don't attack the issue immediately. If I can do it with the drama I have, I'm sure you can do it!

Darlene - posted on 07/21/2010

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I have been with my husband over 5 years and married over 2 and he won't allow his now 17 year old daughter over at our house and doesn't allow any of us to "socialize" with her bc of her lies she has told everyone and spread the past 5 years about me. She is an only child and spoiled, which is an understatement. I have done nothing to this girl except try and get along with her and have even apologized to her for the things SHE has done!! Her lies have gotten worse over time and so have all the relationships--even my husbands family want nothing to do with me! It hurts that my husband believes her lies and doesn't trust ME enough or listen to me about anything. I told him I refuse to go on another 30-40 years living like this.

Vicki - posted on 07/16/2010

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Explain to him that you feel like you are between rock and a hard space. Especialy if that child is female. She is going to everything in her power to break you up. Plus, discipline is hard because they have 2 sets of rules Her mom's and then yours. I wish I could tell you it will get better, but it will get worse unless you and your husband stand beside each other constantly.Never let them see you disagree on how to handle things, then they can play games with you both.

Amy - posted on 07/15/2010

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You have gotten lots of respondes and everyone has very good things to say. I am the evil one in our house, but by all children mine and my fiances. The rules are the same for every there is no exceptions. My fiance and I work as a team not against each other and if I feel I cant deal with the children I send them to him, which is nice because I couldnt do that with my ex. You and your husband should be working as a team not on seperate teams with seperate players, thats not how a family works. I had a step mom who when I was young thought was evil, when I grew up she was one of my best friends, she has now passed on and I miss her very much. If you love your stepchildren you will endure the evil stepmom sterotype in order to make them good people and great parents

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i battle this quite often, i have two kids and my husband has two kids as well. I believe there are boundaries to discipling each others kids, however everyones situation is different of course. Its hard and im sure its something we will never perfect...love them is always the best

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I'm a step mom of an, almost, 4 year old. I love him like my own and he has a mom. Since I love him like my own, i treat him like my own. i don't act or respond to his misbehaviours any differently then I do my own kids. He doesnt always like me, but you know what he doesnt always like his dad or his mom either. It is normal for any child to be angry with you and call you "evil" when you have to disapline them. But in the end i think all kids eventually grow to appriciate the things they hated as kids. Try thinking of all the good times you have had with those kids, because those are the memories they are going to remember and look back on, not the ones where you said no to a cookie.

Alicia - posted on 07/15/2010

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I have enjoyed actually being a "Step" Mom...Actually in our house we call it "Bonus" Mom or Kid. We don't use the Step mainly because it sounds negative. My bonus kids and my kids actually got along right from the start. They had a very hard life before they met me. Now that they live here full time it's been much easier on all of us. Also when my hubby and I had one of our own it really brought the family together. I think the best thing is here at my home at least, I don't care what the ex thinks, or how she runs her household. I run mine very different. When a kid does wrong they get a punishment...I don't care if she doesn't like it. What happends in my home is none of her business. I love those kids like they were my own and they know I love them. When we are all together it's just the best and how its supposed to be. If kids know you love them then that's really all they need. They seem to fight it at first, but, I just kept trying. Or as we call it in our house..."Just keep Swimming". You can always kill em with kindness...

Angelica - posted on 07/15/2010

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ive been a stepmom for going on 3 years now. my stepkids are very young 3 1/2 and 2 1/2 so my issues come from his ex and some from his mother. i decided that my house means my rules and if they dont listen they get in trouble just like my daughter. im lucky that he backs me up but im not sure how to deal with everyone else. his ex resents me because he and i got together when their daughter was 6 months old, a few months after me and him became serious she tells him she is pregnant and instead of running back to her because of it he told me explained everything and we took the whole situation on. so needless to say that made her hate me more and now their kids get excited to get out of the car at my home and jump out, run and give me hugs...she hates it but i refuse to tell them not to do it to make her feel better. is that wrong?
i love my kids. biological or not i have them far more than the majority of the time, im raising them, supporing them and loving them; theyre my babies.

Carol - posted on 07/15/2010

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I am a step mom too but to tell you the truth, I never feel like one because I love my step son as much as I love my daughter. I treat them the same such that none of them feels left out or more special than the other. What I have let them know is that I am a mum who cares about their welfare and not only by saying but by deeds too. Listening to them and having chats often makes family time lovely.

Marcella - posted on 07/14/2010

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When anyone finds out let me know, I have been told I am in the wrong and I should not treat my stepchildren with the love as Ido my own children because they are HER and my husbands children. I am the evil stepmom wen it comes to the ex wife and she wants nothing more than for me to be out of her childrens life which i think iquite childish I was tankful for the woman who came into my childrens life when me and their father split.

Victoria - posted on 07/14/2010

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For 6 yrs i was the evil woman that came in & stole their dad. I have 2 stepchildren ages 12 & 10 & my own son 11 yrs old & we have a daughter together that is now 5 yrs old & to top it off there is a racial division being that i am hispanic & husband is white. But anyway i was finally given the title of "mom" by my stepdaughter who happens to live with us & has finally has learned that i am only tough on her because i love her & i want her along with my other children to become good strong people. Whenever our children are in trouble the main thing our children have learned is that mom & dad always back each other. They also get a long lecture from dad, which they hate & its like torture to them. I have learned that i have to take the reigns with my stepdaughter because she has to learn to respect my decision whether she likes it or not. The same goes for my son listening to my husband. Unfortunately, my stepson sees me as 'evil' because he just dont like rules or me but to me its no big deal because i only see him 4 weeks a yr. I hope in some way this helps you.

Deb - posted on 07/12/2010

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Blending families are very very trying...I have been a step mom for 10 years now. My kids were much younger than my hubby's. When we got together his oldest was 19 and youngest twins were 15...I had a 10 yr old and 8 yrs old...He adopted my 2 after we got married. I always felt like his kids got away with everything and mine got "caught". But it really wasnt that way. I was actually being very overly sensitive. I had just as much say over his kids. The problem was, I did not realize that my place was His Wife...The "his" kids had to get used to it...but in my case my husband had not dated in 16 years...(after the twins were conceived for those who didnt get the age difference there..LOL) so none of his kids were used to another "mom" coming into the picture. Finally I had had it and put my foot down, nicely at first..but now they were coming over to My house too. They used to make remarks on how "I" was changing their house...I finally just said..Umm..you come here and are welcome anytime you want to be here...this is also your home, but I do live here and you need to get used to it. So fast forward 10 yrs...still have a problem here and there with 1 or 2, but out of our 6 kids, I am very very close with all the kids...except my youngest presently..he is trying our patience...LOL..but...my hubby's oldest daughter and I are extremely close and she has also apologized to me...They do come around...it takes time, patience, and a whole lot of love! Do not let it come between you and your husband. Then they win. And they lose what could be a fabulous mom!

Denise - posted on 07/12/2010

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I feel you!!!! that is the exact thing that I'm speaking about, the lack of the man backing what you KNOW to be right. I'm tired of this battle. If we don't do somethng it's gonna tear us apart also. I know he feels he has an obligation to the kids because he is their bio father and he feels he has to protect them, but not from me.

Lorraine - posted on 07/12/2010

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Well when you both decided to say I do, it was meant for all that is yours and his. If we say we love than no matter whose child or children they are we will do what is best for them. We are not trying to take the place of a nother parent, we are being parents. All children are gifts from God, so you teach them what is good, and true and most of the Love of Jesus Christ.......

Melissa - posted on 07/12/2010

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I have been an evil step mom for 4 yrs and it is difficult because my husband doesn't back me up and it is tearing our marriage apart!

Denise - posted on 07/12/2010

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Now that was Great advice Annmarie, that's what i'm talking about Im evil because i want the rules to apply to ALL not just my bio kids, how come you told me something different? lol it's all good i appreciated you just responding

Annmarie - posted on 07/11/2010

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I have been "evil stepmother" for 11yrs. suck it up and embrace it. I have realized that as long as you ALWAYS have the children s best interest at heart and do what you know is the right thing for them it will all work out in the end. You are only evil because their mother will always and forever be their hero no matter what she does, you can't fight blood. Embrace the differences, be there for them emotionally, physically and do not make false promises. Simply say what you mean and mean what you say. Do it all for Love and you will see the rewards later...believe in family!!! You role is simply- MOM

Denise - posted on 07/10/2010

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WELL AS SOON AS YOU FIND OUT PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I AM AN "EVIL STEP MOM" ALSO, AND I HATE IT. WE NEVER AGREE WHEN IT COMES TO HIS KIDS. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN U AND I IS THEIR MOM DIED LAST YEAR OF CANCER SO THEY LIVE WITH ME PERMANENTLY AND HIS MAIN CONCERN IS MAKING THEM HAPPY EVEN IF IT MEANS EVERYONE ELSE IS UNHAPPY. WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT IM NOT CONNECTING WITH THEM BUT HE'S IN THE WAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME, LIKE I SAID WHEN U FIND OUT PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

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