i am desperate

Dusty - posted on 12/26/2011

Honestly, I haven't been in a situation this bad but I was in a similar one. My step daughter used to live with her mother & when we took her (for her safety) she wasn't used to the rules & at first my husband would treat her differently & not punish her for anything. I sat down & talked to him about this & told him that as much as I loved him & my step daughter, I would NOT tolerate her being treated differently. Number one, it could cause emotional damage to our other children, & number two, she would NEVER learn if we didn't start setting boundaries. Thankfully, my husband took this to heart & started setting boundaries & disciplining her. He never did anything with her that he didn't do with our two sons. She has changed for the better alot. If talking to your husband doesn't work, maybe it's time to consider marriage counseling. He needs to understand that his children will never survive in the real world if they cannot learn to respect others & respect themselves.

Kristina - posted on 11/15/2011

update: report cards are in. The schools are reporting the same type behavior. the kindergarten teachers direct quote is "we will be focusing on behavior issues next semester." great. well now who is going to educate the kids? this poor teacher has to focus on a kids behavior over teaching him and leave 25 other children to suffer focusing on my stepkid. I find that sad. especially since its only half day kindergarten and this kid cant respect authority for 3 damn hours?! noone is listening something is really wrong. Now their dad is frustrated he has no clue what to do. so yelling and arguing with him is just silly cus he is lost. im following elises advice and trying hard not to put dad on the attack. but those report cards....whoa. he at least said "i guess u are right. now what?" haha. now what is right.

Michelle - posted on 11/14/2011

You need to email me as you and I can discuss this in private. momcr4@msn.com

Ashley - posted on 11/11/2011

My saying to day is lose your shit apperantly lol what does there school say about there behaiver will that make him see sence good luck

Elise - posted on 11/09/2011

Yeah, try to avoid any, ah your son does this, did this etc but try, there is something going on with (use the kids name-rather than your son, my son etc) and we need to help him deal with it. He seems angry and doesn't understand why, let's help him figure it out. Children don't just understand their emotions, they need help with them and learning how live with them. With such a large family I imagine it is hard to budget for therapists or anything but I think a counselor is really the way to go for this kid (mum will object because all her brainwashing is going to come out in the open but you have to try and get through this) Get your husband on your side with the fact that there is some real emotional issues with this boy that NEED to be addressed, his mum will be holding him back from getting the help he needs. There may be community or free counselors in your country, we are lucky here our children that are in need get free counseling (like my stepson who has some real anger issues - lucky for us he is a really lovely person and there have been no incidents like yours) but the school recognised he had some issues and asked if we would let him meet with the counselor, which of course we agreed to and now he doesn't need to see her anymore (it's not resolved but he has what he needs to help himself and just had the chance to talk). This kid may have just been treated like luggage in the break up and not actually understand what was going on, maybe didn't have anything explained to him, just moved out of his house, moved in with you and your kids. Maybe he needs some closure on his parents relationship and some understanding which I think a counselor can give him.

Elise - posted on 11/09/2011

Yeah you are totally right, your husband needs to show the kids that you are on the same team and sounds like it's not happening. It's hard because if you leave him it also feels like the ex will "win" by getting you out of the picture but it's not a game, you have to do what's best for you and yours. It is so difficult that your husband is not even listening anymore, probably because like you say he just feels like you are complaining but also maybe because he feels attacked? It is definitely a reflection on him (how his kids are) and maybe he feels like he is also at his wits end and doesn't actually know how to help his kids anymore, he may be feeling overwhelmed with how they are acting (I'm sure he can see that their behaviour is not right) and possibly gets defensive because of the way you are approaching it? He just feels like you are attacking him? I'm just bouncing ideas here. What about talking about it in the way of: Yes I agree with you, your kids do need more attention, so lets help them together. It's just so hard with so many kids with behaviour problems, if there was just one problem child maybe it would be easier to talk about and make a plan to help. In fact maybe that's what you can do, the boy sounds like the most serious at the moment, so concentrate on him and who knows it may help the attitudes of his siblings? I think your husband may be tuning out because he doesn't want to hear what he has done wrong and probably does want to fix it but in his mind all he can hear is you complaining and telling him he is useless? Maybe, let's forget about what has happend (for now because all the past incidents are bound to come up when you start trying to resolve the behaviour) but for now forget what has happened (not forgive) and concentrate on helping this child change his attitude. I saw a post thing called Anyone out there dealing with PAS? Otherwise known as Parental Alienation Syndrome... This is where one parent is messing with the kids head to make them anti the step parent, other parent etc. Have a read because I think this sounds like it would apply to the boy, this is going to make it really hard to get any help because as soon as he goes back to his mums all the work you have done will be erased by her... And yep husband needs to suck it up and be a parent not a friend, it may help to explain to him if he is a consistent parent while the child is a child and desperately needs boundaries, it will open the door for friendship when the child grows up and they will have a better relationship for it because the child will not have any resentments but understand that he had a loving father who has now turned into a strong friend. He has to accept being uncool for a few years and when the child grows up he will see how cool he really was and hopefully raise his own kids with the same attitude (stop the cycle!)

Kristina - posted on 11/09/2011

luckily for our relationship visitation recently changed to just every 2 weks, significant holiday and summer vacations time. hes trying to be more of a friend then a dad. and over the past month im pretty damn sure the boys mother being caught 3 occassions by social services is wanting me out of the pic. supposedly the 10yr old was told to lie to them about key, and all. I dont buy it at all. The kid cant keep any lie straight and its about everything from getting good grades to using a phone to call his dad. he denied ver being home to make a call one weekend not remembering 1 day later his father spoke to him. its crazy. he not only stole toys but when asked to give them back hid 2 of them and continued to take them to his mothers home. was any punishment at all handed out? NO. he was grounded from video games til his grades came up, so MINE have to be grounded as well from any fun becuz the 10yr old failing reading will complain. I cannot even talk to my husband anymore, he sees everything as a complaint, but i dont see any action to save our relationship or show the kids we are on the same team. I just see more of him showing his kids that what i say is wrong and bad.

Elise - posted on 11/08/2011

I mean he just blames you? Do you think that possibly his attitude is the reason his kids are how they are? The 'world owes me something and nothing is my fault' attitude. What can you expect when he answers like that, I am thinking more and more that maybe you are better off away from him as well as his kids? Remember yours and your kids safety is your number one priority. I'm not sure the way you and your husband are going, is going to help the situation. This is not your fault, you did not raise his kids, the vast difference between the kids you did raise proves that without a doubt. This is not at all, NOT AT ALL your fault. I think you should leave him. Just my opinion from what I have read. Sorry to say it.

Elise - posted on 11/08/2011

I really want to say something to help you out but I'm at a loss, this is a horrible situation to be in. I guess you might have to resign to the fact that if BIG changes are not made then it is your responsibility to get yourself and your children safe. The communication thing is worrying me here because if you and your husband can't get some resolution, to the point where you just don't talk for two days, then it looks to me like there is not much you can do and the only way to get your point across is, I'm sorry to say it but get your kids out of there. I am trying to think of another option but this seems to be the only way, your husband is not listening to you and doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. This is abuse to your children and emotional abuse towards you. Any type of behaviour that makes you feel unsafe is abuse and in the end you have to look out for yourself and your children. I wish I had a better answer but it sounds like things are not going to change in a hurry. He is happy keeping things how they are (cos he feels safe, they are his kids) and to be honest, he should be taking steps to make sure you are safe too, as his wife he should be listening and respecting you and your fears.