i don't want to be selfish....

Amber - posted on 10/31/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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ok my family is blended 2 " baby daddy's" 2 "baby mommas" and one marriage.... ours. well there are 9 kids in the mix of it all! about a year ago we moved our family to a diff state to get away from it all(and other family) and we are loving it! over this past summer we had two of our other children then 7 n 10. my husband was out of town at work so it was just me.... and we didn't have any problems (not unusual ones anyway) at first. the mother rarely called and the kids rarely asked to call her.... then when child-support was cut off, all hell breaks loose! she starts all types of drama cause she knows my hubby is too far away to really help.well we send the kids back to her and just lv it alone.

well now we haven't seen or heard from them in months and i feel bad cause they aren't always in the best situation.....on top of that he has this 5 yr old that he never really new cause he has been unsure if it's his...(and no.. not my idea)but anyway i have a huge issue w/ absent fathers. he is by far not a deadbeat because he has always tried to be there. over the past four years he has always been current in child support and tried to visit w/ the older three kids.but every single visit that does not end w/ extra cash for her ends violence ..broken, windows, fights, police, pfa's etc. even w/ the other 5 yr old we have had domestics w/ her and he hasn't spoken to her in 31/2 yrs!!! i don't really even know what she wants...i don't think she knows.

well in all the mess there are still 4 kids w/o a dad...so i try to talk to him about seeing them (maybe visitation rights) and i think he wants to but he never does. we had an argument cause i felt he didn't stand up for them and he didn't agree. he says that he loves his kids but he has a family that he has to think of. he says that he can't deal w/ the drama or the violence and can't put the kids in our house through it anymore. on top of that he works two jobs and has enough on his plate.

i do understand but i feel that this is y people have to live w/ the choices that they make. I don't want my kids witnessing the drama and I don't want to be part of it(even though everything he does is my fault lol). he is a good dad, he is very hands on despite the two jobs. i hate for his natural children not to benefit. All the kids are innocent, but to force my hand and make him go get some visitation will only bring drama on my house.... i just don't know what to do.

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Amber - posted on 11/12/2009

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thank you all
the situation is soo hard...we are going to send cards and some gifts for christmas. the visitation is difficult to add a 3rd party to.we live in two diff states so we really don't have anyone to drive them here (8hrs). and the bm doesn't have a car so transportation is on us both ways and right now we just can't afford it. i agree they are my kids i have always treated them as such. they actually end up getting more attention when they are around because it's so few and far in between and i just want them to have a taste of a normal life.my husband has started calling more and has said the kids that live here could call them. other than that i think we are just going to try to get them a month in the summer. we are going to concentrate on establishing rights w/ the 5yr old that he doesn't have any relationship w/...i'll let you all know how that goes
thanks again and other advise or ideas is always welcome

Paula - posted on 11/11/2009

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Just a few thoughts here, if it is so violent when you guys get to see the kids, then how do you know that house, the house with his other kids in it, isn't violent? Is that what the kids need to see? How they need to live? And think of the psychological damage and/or effects of having an absent father. What does that teach them about parenthood? The sad part is that parenthood isn't easy and there is a lack of instruction manuals given out at every birth. You and your husband know far more about the situation, far more about what is best for your kids because you have more knowledge of the situation. But there are cases in which court ordered visitation is given with the condition that the parents never cross paths, that a third and natural party is responsible for picking up the kids and doping off the kids for each trade off (for lack of a better word). Just inform your lawyer and the judge of the incidents in which things have gotten violent. I understand where he is coming from, but sometimes what is best for the kids isn't always what is most obvious...like avoiding situations to prevent issues isn't always the answer...sometimes what's best is to face it head on but to do so in an intelligent, and knowledgeable way with preparation.

Julia - posted on 11/11/2009

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wow sweetie! Let's take a deep breath here! These are your kids too. You married the man, your kids/responsibilities as well. Most women dont see it that way. I do. I understand where you both are coming from. My husband and I have both been put through the ringer with our ex's. It came down to where the court got involved and was mandatory for all kids to go to therapy and they had their own attorney through the court. my situations was similar but different. my ex was harming the kids on visitation and his ex only wants us to pay her and pay for sports, dr, school etc while she get her child support and the kids live with her. all 3 have told her and the courts they want to live with us, but she wont allow it. i feel for ya girl, i do. i think the cards are a wonderful idea. include some pictures. as weird as this sounds, make a copy so that someday you can prove to the child that you made the effort to see them. who knows what sort of lies and bs this woman is feeding your children. I am here if you want to chat.

Elaine - posted on 11/06/2009

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I think that any contact is better then none... even a card a note will at least say hay i am here and i love you... when they are older they will have a chance and a choice to seek out there dad and if he at least was trying (even a card or note) they will know he at least thought of them and loved them enough to try they will one day know who their mother is. If he is paying child support she by law would have to give him the add. deep breath... your trying to be rightful and that is all you can do =)

Amber - posted on 11/01/2009

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hey thanks

i think he wants to try but she has been this way for 11 years. she has tried to have him arrested underfalse pre-tense...she's just immature..I don't want you to think that he hasn't tried...we actually have phisical custody now..and this is the second time in two yrs. she only has them because the physiacl danger she kept putting the other children in, so he let her take them back to pgh. his fam lives there and they do help w/ the kids and spend time w/ them reguarly.when i mean physical threats she threatens bodily harm to me and them lies and says i'm makin it up...she scratches cars, but if you didn't see her you can't blame her....she had the police at my house 9x in 3 days b/c she felt her kids were in danger and i was abusing them..everytime she calls the police they have to ck it out no matter what time it is( 5am...2am...4pm..) my daughter's b-day party was ruined because we were detained by police cause she called and said i hit her child and b/c he didn't want to lie for her he ran to the neighbor's house and wouldn' come out... he does try but he feels defeated and torn. them the other little boy's mom just took him and moved to another state w/o tellin him(for peet's sake) but she wants him to be in his life(mind you he's not allowed to come to our house!)

i relly do feel he needs to be there for them but to keep encouraging more visitation...my kids don't deserve that either. and it's a shame cause all the kids really love each other. how do i be strong and support him when i don't think i can take it anymore?

i think the cards are a wonderful idea if we can get the new address(she's afraid he will take the kids back)(the school called alot last yr and she cant risk it) but are cards enough?

thanks guys...i can't really talk to anyone else..his family says that they are not my kids so don't worry about it? my family is just not supportive on the issue...

Elaine - posted on 11/01/2009

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Amber as much as we want what we think is best we can't make someone else do "the right thing" if he is not ready for court and all that entails maybe he would be willing to start with notes and cards in the mail just to let them know HE IS THINKING OF THEM AND HE DOES CARE.... (at times go and get the cards add. them and just give it to your husband and have him write a note and send it out...) that may open a door... just letting them know he is there... i wish you only the best

Erika - posted on 11/01/2009

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Wow, that is a tough one. He said he has a family that he has to worry about...well, those kids are his family too. If mom is violent God only knows what the home situation is like. It's not enough to just pay child support. Soon after my husband and I met I moved to VA and he wanted to move there too. I refused to allow that. I moved back to MA so that he could stay near his daughters. In my opinion his girls were there before me and in my opinion were to young to understand why there dad would be leaving them. We have stayed in MA despite drama and stupidity. We have recently discussed moving to VA in a couple years. His daughter are 8 and 7 now and in about 2 years will be old enough to spend some holidays and summers away from mom. You need to keep pushing your husband to do the right thing. I know it's hard. Trust me I do...but it's the right thing. Try to talk about it without causing trouble with the two of you. Explain that his kids have to right to their father and that your children together deserve the opportunity to grow up with all their siblings. I now that this isn't always possible but if it can be done...you should should atleast try. Good luck girl! Keep us posted!

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