If you are done having kids, do you hate admitting that to people??

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2008 ( 34 moms have responded )

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We have seven kids and aren't planning to have any more. This was a very difficult decision for us, and while I am content with our plans, I would have also been happy to have more kids. I met a lady online once who had twenty-something kids (25, I think), most of whom were foster-to-adopt. That sounds awesome to me. I look at my youngest baby (4 months old) and I feel so lucky and blessed to have gotten to have so many newborns to love and nurse and care for.

On the other hand, ever since I started having kids (I took in my two step-children as toddlers when I was also pregnant with my first biological child) people have been telling me that I had enough kids and shouldn't have any more. When I announced my second pregnancy, my grandmother (who had four kids herself) told me that four kids would put me in an asylum and that she'd been praying I wouldn't get pregnant ever since we announced we were trying. I hate the attitude of the more kids you have the worse off you are, and the belief that everyone seems to have that no matter how many kids we have, even one more would be a tragedy. I always think that no matter how many we have, one more would be a blessing!

Whenever people ask me if we are done now, I hate to admit that we are. I don't want to sound like, "Oh, yes, I have seven and THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME! We're finally done, THANK GOD!" Ugh. So I always make excuses like, "I'd like to have more, but it's a medical thing," (which is mostly true.)

Anybody else feel that way?

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Letitia - posted on 04/27/2009

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The attitude today towards having more than 2 kids is really sad. Children are a blessing and God said to be fruitful and multiply. He didn't say after 2 kids someone go get fixed at the vet!! We have 5 kids and I would have had more, but I think my husband would have had a nervous breakdown (seriously). I come from 11 kids and my parents have 45 grandchildren. Big families are awesome and I think the kids are better off. They learn a lot more about sharing, discipline, respect, values and interpersonal skills due the larger number of people around them. The human heart has so much love and I have found that I have become a better person due to my my 5 kids. I have learned selflessness and patience, etc. It's not all about me and that's also how they learn that it's not all about them, too. Through seeing selfless behavior, they learn to be selfless. you don't have to tell people you are done. It's none of their business!!! I'm sure if you wanted them in your bedroom you would have invited them! If people ask me if I'm having more(asked all the time!!) I say not today. Such a personal question does not deserve a serious answer. The size of your family is your business only, it's personal between you and your husband. Nobody else is raising them and even though comments can hurt, especially from relatives, be strong in your convictions and know that you are doing the right thing!! You are doing what God intended and that's all that matters! God bless you and keep up the great work!!! Tisha : )

Sherry - posted on 04/22/2009

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Quoting Kristy:

I think we're done, and yes...I HATE admitting to others. It's none of their business. Even my Mom.
My hubby and I are the ONLY caregivers to our kids (with the exception of 1x month for 3 hours so I can get to a meeting...that is the only time my Mom watches them). We provide for, care for, feed, clothe, transport to kazillion activities, and LOVE them. It drives me batty when someone asks if I'm done. They dont do anything for them, why do they care??
But, I'm not brave enough to tell them to go fly a kite. Usually when I get asked, I'll smile & shrug.
LoL...yup. This one bugs me ;-)



Kristy,



Could not have said it any better.  My husband and I have 8 living children ( 4 miscarraiges and 1 stillbirth)....I found that the RUDE comments started with the preg. of our 4th child.  Oh my you'd think that i was the only person on the face of the earth to have more than 3 children.  The "fixed" word really earks me,  we are not broken !!!!! I would call this procedure "the breaking" , LOL !!!!!  Because our 8th child was born still at 39 weeks gest. ( absolutely nothing wrong with her ) people "assume" the stupidest things.  ONE of the most horrid to me is that they think that we would want to replace her.... Mary Flinn was/is her own individual and always will be.  Just because she is not here on earth with us ,  does not mean any different.  Having 1 more child or many more will never be Mary.  People really need to think before they speak !!  Of course because we now have Isabella,  people are constantly asking if we will have more and i find that i am even less tolerant of their ignorance....so i usually tell them that we take one day at a time.  If i feel like responding at all that is :)  We have the most fun and amazing times !!!  I find it beautiful watching the interaction between all the different ages ,  incredible :)  Blessings to you and your family



Sherry ( mom of the Flinn Tribe ,  lol )

Carol - posted on 04/22/2009

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I am a mum of 5 and to say im broody now is an understatement!!! My husband said absolutly not in a million years (but i can get around that) lol!! ITs other peoples reactions, if people asked me 5 months ago would i have anymore the answer would have been a resounding NO but now things have changed Xylan has started to walk he has gained some independance and im beginning to feel the longing that comes afterwards. I have 4 sons and one daughter and i truly honestly believe that every girl needs a sister. My oldest son is almost 13 so he helps out a lot and all the younger ones do have chores and know how to take care of each other. I try not to let them depend on me too much as some day i may not be here and i wanna know that they can cope if that would happen. I went on a weeks holiday with no husband and no kids and my husband is using this break as the contraception in our marriage!!! He said if i have any more babies that there will be no more holidays cos HE cant manage 6 or 7. I am 31 so i wont "get fixed" and i have told my husband if he does then i cant guarantee he wont be my ex husband.LOL I love the feeling of the craziness that comes with kids and dont think for a minute that every day is fun cos its highly stressful but i think well worth it!!!! Roll on number 6

Candace - posted on 03/27/2009

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my family dont believe we are done since niether one of us are fixed so they expect baby seven in second year of my son hes now 8 mths ... though i say we are done and sometimes i say i love more i dont know i nver though i would have this many kids we planned on just 2 if we had one of each i think my dh would have gotten fix but we had fthree girls b4 we had a boy... we now have four girls and two boys... be nice if we could even it out to four each lol that would put my parents in tehir grave lmao if we did that ... i tell them u not having htem we are and we are raising as tough it can be we love them all and can go insane but thats what kids do ... we arent so tough on them when it comes discipline but ive seen though some kids are monsters compared to mine so i think im doing ok somewhere... its how to talk to them we arent perfect .. as for saying harder to have more i think it gets easier and mroe patience cause u tend to let more go than to dwell on it where as those who have just one two three kids do .. i know few that have just a few and have zero patience .. i ahvent met anyone who had more kids or same as me yet ....

Heather - posted on 03/26/2009

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I forgot to add - I'm finished having kids now, we've got 4 between us, but I'm ok with the idea......my earlier post was to point out why I think that some people have such a problem with large families, I just got carried away on my soapbox!

Heather - posted on 03/26/2009

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I think sometimes our society has gotten so fixated on what is comsidered 'needs' that they can't conceive of how a large family can accommodate their children financially.



I have friends that think that hand-me-downs are darn near a crime, and God forbid a child should 'share' a room! I happen to think that my kids are better off for not having everything in life handed to them, and being told no once in a while has only made them more thankfull and self-reliant than most kids their ages.



What does a child have to look forward to in their lives if mom and dad throw money (stuff, etc) at them in replacement for teaching them values? Learning how to share, be empathetic, patient, delay gratification....all these things are inherent in a large family, and I'm happy my kids get that opportunity!

Amy - posted on 02/24/2009

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I feel the same way. Our 6th is 8 months old now. We are pretty sure we are done but I keep going over the reasons. I think for me I don't want to be done for the wrong reasons. So my internal conflict is what are the wrong reasons? Is it okay to be done because of current stresses and strains. Those reasons are temporary but new ones will take their place. People actually laugh at me when they say "wait until they are all teenagers!"  I agree with one of the other moms about knowing your limitaions. There is no shame in saying "this is all I can handle" That being said, I don't want people to get the wrong idea about why we are done. I guess it depends on how much I care about what other people say or think about us.



I noticed during my last two pregnancies that when people asked me that and I answered honestly and seriously that I didn't know yet, they would suddenly start telling about their own decision with how many kids to have. I was surprised by how many people wanted more than the 1 or 2 they had but they were worried about being able to provide for them or they had serious medical reasons. As annoying as it is, I have realized that things are not always what they seem.  



I beleive it is a natural instinct for women to want to have children, even if they have a houseful. Whether or not you are happy or miserable about it is up to you!

Sherri - posted on 02/16/2009

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i get the opposite reaction - we only have 3 kids between us but none of them are biologically ours - everyone asks when we're going to havea 'child of your own' I reply that we have 3 children of our own and that's enough to keep me busy.  like unless you've had children together the existing kids are somewho no longer relevant! Or our marriage isn't valid without having a bio kid. people are just tactless!

Nancy - posted on 02/16/2009

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The question bothers me because it is none of anyone's business. Even though we are DONE, I still don't like the question "you're not going to have anymore, are you?" I love my 5 children and couldn't imagine a smaller family. Yes it is loud, busy, tiring, financially hard, but I would have felt empty if I only had 2 or 3. I absolutely don't want another baby and I never thought I would feel that way. I always thought I would have that yearning for another one. But I have learned that 5 is the limit of what I can care for. People are so rude with their comments. "Yes, my hands are full...and I would rather they be full than empty." "Yes, I agree...better me than you." Kristy, I am like you where I don't have the guts to tell them off. I say yes we are done and leave it at that. Although I do make some comment about how blessed we are.

Kristy - posted on 02/09/2009

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I think we're done, and yes...I HATE admitting to others. It's none of their business. Even my Mom.
My hubby and I are the ONLY caregivers to our kids (with the exception of 1x month for 3 hours so I can get to a meeting...that is the only time my Mom watches them). We provide for, care for, feed, clothe, transport to kazillion activities, and LOVE them. It drives me batty when someone asks if I'm done. They dont do anything for them, why do they care??
But, I'm not brave enough to tell them to go fly a kite. Usually when I get asked, I'll smile & shrug.
LoL...yup. This one bugs me ;-)

Mary Jane - posted on 02/06/2009

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I know exactly how you feel. My 8th is now 6 months old. We were planning to be done at 8 but I really think we may have had another in the future but I had to have a 2nd c-section and I refuse to have a 3rd. They're just horrible. So I had my tubes tied with this last section. Then afterwards I nearly died from congestive heart failure that they say was pregnancy related so I know it was the right decision for us, but I feel like I have to explain to people when they ask if we're done now that it was a medical decision for us. I'm trying to come to get more comfortable with just telling people it's none of their business because it isn't. And my husband has already brought up adoption.

Lara Lynn - posted on 02/05/2009

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Nope. You know when you're done. Nobody else has to agree or approve. God bless you and your awesome kids!

Sarah - posted on 02/05/2009

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I feel exactly the same we have five children and although my husband says enoughs enough and we have been told it would be very risky to have anymore i keep looking round like there is one missing.It gets quite upsetting as i would love to have another one but in the other hand i should be greatful that i have five fantastically healthy children.Tricky one really

Tammy - posted on 02/04/2009

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I am a single mom with 5 children and i would love to have more but I can't afford it.  I often get the same "Are you crazy" attitude from people but I raise my children without welfare or childsupport and they are al extremely gifted.  The two oldest are at a gifted high school and the rest will probably follow when they are old enough.  People who know us never make any comments cause they know that I have a secure and loving home, it's stranger who seem to think that it is their business and that a single mom couldn't possibly raise 5 decent chhildren.

[deleted account]

Quoting Crystal:

My problem was just the opposite. I got pregnant young and had a girl, had to get married because that was the right thing to do. I didn't feel like I loved him, but I didn't want my baby growing up without a father either. I knew that I would never have kids with him again. 10 years later, I miss one pill and got pregnant. I was so upset because I didn't want to bring another child into this marriage. My husband at the time forced me to have an abortion. The day the papers came to fill out to take to my appointment, I told him that I was having the baby. That was one of the best decisions of my life. When I had my baby, I got my tubes cut, tied and burned to never have kids again. I honestly felt that I was going to stay in this relationship come hell or high water. My baby was about 2 years old and I decided to get divorced, I had enough!! So, here I am 33 years old, with 2 healthy kids and a fantastic boyfriend of over 2 years, thinking that it would be wonderful to have more kids and I cannot. I would love to have more kids. The only other option for me at this point would be foster or adoption.


Save your money...it is possible and not impossible...but it costs a ton!  My husband had a Vasectomy and 5 years later a reversal and we have 2 more now.  But, I do understand, it was w/ same person, so may not be as possible,....but not impossible. It can happen.  I am sooo glad to hear you didn't go through something that may have been so much more painful than defying your husband at the time.  You go girl.

[deleted account]

I know a woman who has 10 boys and was scared everytime that the next one would be a girl cause she only was used to boys and would be happy only having boys :-)

[deleted account]

Oh, I can totally relate to you!! My husband and I actually had 2 then he got a vas. (we were only 22 & 25 at the time) then 5 years later got a reversal and had 2 more. Everytime I have a bad day and even mention that the kids are driving me nuts to any one w/ 2 or less kids they say "Well it was your decision to have 4 kids) rrrr.....drives me nuts. My mom (who also had 4) always says she is so glad we stopped when we did and that she worries about me. This bothers me a lot too. I actually am sooo unbelievably blessed that we had 4 when we did, because after each child I was slowly loosing my strength and recently found out that I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy. Many people that are diagnosed w/ forms of MD have to make a decision on weather or not to have children and that was totally taken out of my hands. I already had them. We did decide on no more because of this, but we hear all the time that it was probably all and good that we didn't have anymore because 4 is enough. Oh, well, I can only love what I have and let others comments go over my head. So long story short, I hear ya!!

Melissa - posted on 02/04/2009

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I have 5 girls, and people all the time assume that #4 & 5 were b/c we were trying for a boy, and they ask if we are going to "keep trying" ~ ya like some one else said, what?? Are girls don't make ua a complete family?  To the people I reply, I like having 5 girls, it makes clothing easy (all my girls are with in 8 years) and rooms/sleeping easy, also I'm not sure I would want a boy after 4 or 5 girls! maybe if he had been born first, but not as the baby, his future wife would not have "fun" lol first he would have been spoiled by 5 sisters is whole life, and second, he is the baby of the family and third, would know more about barbies, Polly pockets, my little pony, littlest pet shops, then most girls would ! lol~ ha ha

[deleted account]

I have 10 kids.

We are 'done' as well. I really miss having more, but I am relived as well. I am getting to an age where it is more difficult and menopause has kicked in. I regret not having more and I say that, but I am thrilled with the kids we have. Medical or not don't let it get to you, often, because you are doing more to delight in and enjoy in the years to come.

Everyone makes it their business. If they comment either pointedly ignore them or laugh at them. Don't let it get to you. My mother in law would not talk to me through the last 5 pregnancies. She didn't get a choice and we are on good terms now. We get picked at and admired. It is part of the choice. Take it on and laugh at the world.

Hazel - posted on 02/02/2009

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hmmm. i have 4 kids at present but am extremely broody. when i've been asked 'do i want more,?' i've said no way, but now? what do i do? i would love another child and there is nothing extremely serious we couldn't get around to stop us.



so am i finished/done? i really don't know!

Heather - posted on 02/01/2009

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Even though I am done by choice (and it's easy for me to admit that!) I have more of a hard time with people making comments like I SHOULD stop. Like it's any of their business to make comments, especially family.

Viky - posted on 01/30/2009

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Nope!  and I don't hesitate. =-) We have a large enough family and I love them... but I'm done! hehe

Stephanie - posted on 01/30/2009

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Hello, I am so thankful for my family I have two from a previous marriage and my husband and i are expecting our 3rd boy in March which will bring our grand total to 5. I always wanted a big family and I am kind of sad because this will be our last one. I am trying to enjoy every kick and wiggle while I can because after this baby is born and my tubes are cut I will never experience it again:(

Kim - posted on 01/28/2009

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Wow!  It is sure nice to hear from other people with large families.  We have 7 children ranging in age from 22 to 1.  we had five and took a 10 year break and had 2 more.  And... yes I have had all the rude comments like "don't you think you've had enough?" or my personal favorite "haven't you figured out what causes that yet?"  I have had complete strangers ask me if me or my husband was planning on getting "fixed"  as if we were broken!  I do kind of get a kick out of some people's reaction when they ask me if I have children and I tell them how many I have.  

Debbie - posted on 01/28/2009

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I applaud anyone who can manage the larger family. We stopped at 4. I feel that is a large family (though comparatively small). I am not ashamed to admit that I'm done. While I loved pregnancy and bringing the babies home, I do recognize that I have my limits. Not to mention that we only have 3 bedrooms and 4 kids. The logistics of the housing doesn't afford for more children.

I'm sorry that people approach you with that mentality. I hate it too. When people find out I have 4 I often get asked, "You're done now, right?" I didn't realize there was a quota to fill or a rule that said I had to stop. I didn't realize that having a large family was viewed as such a negative thing until I had my 4th. I've been tempted a few times to give a smart alec retort like, "Oh no! We are going to follow in the footsteps of the Duggers and just keep going to the plumbing breaks!" LOL

Tracey - posted on 01/27/2009

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i totally agree with you my children know hoe to share and that you cant always have everything you want , i feel that people that raise big families, usually have well rounded children that are reasdy to n[make a differance in our world, not saying that smaller families dont however i believe if you appreciate everything you get as a child and your not to spoilt then you make a better person, i am also due in august with our seventh.

Tracey - posted on 01/27/2009

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hi big familys are great i would have heaps if i could im about to give birth to my seventh ansd i feel now i have had enouht natural children but i would love to adopt .. people that comment on the amount of children people have dont really understand where they are coming from maybe they dont have th e patience and love that we do so i tell them that someone has to be crazy might as well be me.. good luck

Donnell - posted on 01/27/2009

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There are days I don;t even want to admit to myself I am done. We have a total of 5 kids with a mix of mine, his, and ours. My oldest daughter is from a previous relationship and his has 3 boys with his ex-wife and we have a daughter together. He KNOWS he is done, but I am not so sure most days. Some days I can't imagine adding another in the mix, but then the days where his boys are with their mom and it's so quiet that I really want another.

Michelle - posted on 01/27/2009

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alot of people just don't understand the dynamics of big families...its just ignorance, or at least an unwillingness to understand the bigger picture..i am really trying to raise all my babies with a strong social and moral conscience and tolerance for all people...i love the idea that that will be my 'legacy' if you like to the world we all exist in. i find it sad that some people clearly have not enjoyed or recognises the experience of parenting for what it really is...and i understand about the more kids you have, the worse off you are thing! in my opinion, kids can cost as much or as little as you make them...we as parents are the ones who set the examples and if we are raising children who are so superficial they care what the tag on their clothes is, something is wrong! that said, though..none of our kids go without anything..and they share things which is another great benefit of fostering a sense of community within your family. i am lucky that my husband has a job that allows me to be a stay at home mum (he is a winemaker - yay!) so we do live fairly comfortably...but everything in moderation anyway and people all have different ideas of what well-off and not-so-well-off is anyway...so what does it matter in the end? we have six, i am due again in august and to the am i done yet question...? i don't know...do i ask you about your sex life?

Crystal - posted on 01/27/2009

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My problem was just the opposite. I got pregnant young and had a girl, had to get married because that was the right thing to do. I didn't feel like I loved him, but I didn't want my baby growing up without a father either. I knew that I would never have kids with him again. 10 years later, I miss one pill and got pregnant. I was so upset because I didn't want to bring another child into this marriage. My husband at the time forced me to have an abortion. The day the papers came to fill out to take to my appointment, I told him that I was having the baby. That was one of the best decisions of my life. When I had my baby, I got my tubes cut, tied and burned to never have kids again. I honestly felt that I was going to stay in this relationship come hell or high water. My baby was about 2 years old and I decided to get divorced, I had enough!! So, here I am 33 years old, with 2 healthy kids and a fantastic boyfriend of over 2 years, thinking that it would be wonderful to have more kids and I cannot. I would love to have more kids. The only other option for me at this point would be foster or adoption.

Bethany - posted on 12/08/2008

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Yes! I have five kids. The thing I hate the most is we had 4 boys then a girl. We weren't trying just for a girl, we just liked having kids! Now that we have a girl everyone just assumes we're done! Like our 4 boys weren't enough for us or something, it's so frustrating!! I find myself making excuses and telling people that we're done, but not just because we now have a girl. I always tell them we weren't expecting it then I think, what does it matter, it's none of their business!! I hate the questions and the wide eyes and 'oh my gosh' when I tell them I have five. It's not that much to me and we're done because we just feel like our family is complete. It does make me sad, our youngest is 6 months, but on the other hand it's kind of exciting to enter that next phase. Some people just don't think before they speak!

Kerry - posted on 12/07/2008

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hi michelle i would love to foster or adopt as i would love to give a child a home and love as even though i have my children and grandchildren i think i still have loads more love to give .my family is a big family my mum and dad had 7 children my sister as 7 children and my older brother as 7 girls so i think having a big family is great as when they get older they look out for each other aswell .

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2008

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LOL, Kerry, if anyone asks if the kids are all my husband's I can truthfully say yes even though we are a blended family -- I'm the transplant, not him! Congrats to you and your husband for staying together. It's probably not PC to say this, but it really is best for the kids. I'm a child of divorce, and I've seen the effects of divorce on my oldest two, and it just breaks my heart that this is becoming the norm.

I can't wait for the grandma stage. If my oldest daughter has a baby at the same age as I was when I had my first, I could be a grandma at 37. And you'll never hear me say I'm too young to be a grandmother, or don't call me grandma. It's gonna be all, "Come to Granny!" and "When are the rest of you going to give me some grandkids???" LOL.

Kerry - posted on 12/07/2008

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i am the same i am a mum of 9 and because i got a p.e (blood clot when i was pregnant i got advised not to have anymore i would love more but because of this my husband had a vasectomy .i tell people the truth but they think im mad wantin more as im only 32 also i have 2 grandchildren .me and my husband have been together since i was 13 and i do get fed up with people askin me if all the children are his but i usually get in there first and tell them yes they are all by the same man .

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