Irritated with step child

Christina - posted on 04/17/2013

I do understand. I met my husband on e Harmony. He had 3 children and I had 5. I was married for 20yrs previously and he was married twice, once very young for a year(oldest child age 22) and 5 years for the youngest 2 ages 7 and 10. We met and instantly fell in love. I moved in with him as he had been living on his own for 3yrs at this point with full custody. The kids loved me. I loved them. Then I got to know their glitches and my husband's. Stealing cookies, soda, ice cream etc and blaming my kids. Even when I flat out catch them they would tell their dad in private it's my kids and he would believe them. To prove a point I showed him with cookies my kids HATED and they stole and ate 15 bags in 6 days!! All my husband would say is as long as they aren't fat! I was so mad. I can't keep anything in the house as a treat because they get it ALL before my kids get any. Plus my kids get the blame. They grin and give me horrible smirks when his back is to me. His daughter is 9 now and demands he hangs out with her every morning before school and every night when its "adult time" and I'm not allowed around. She gets special treatment from him and he ALWAYS picks her over me no matter what. I bought her clothes and shoes but she won't wear them and when I tried to return them she hid them! She breaks my things in purpose. When I got very ill she laughed and said "maybe someone accidentally sprayed bug spray in your coffee" and smirked. When I say no to her she goes to her dad and he says yes to everything so she laughs at me. My husband swears I'm picking on her! Everyone sees it but him. He makes me make her a hot breakfast everyday. Half the time she throws it away and eats candy she got in the mail from her mom or grandmom. She begged for a dog so he spent $1000 on a pure bed when we are "saving for a wedding ring" of course I take care of the dog and she kicks it, chokes it and when dads around She loves it till he turns his back and she kicks the dog down the stairs! Yet here I am. Crying as I'm 3 yrs into this, waiting for our wedding as we are common law now and hating her so much I lose sleep, my health is all over the place and I wonder why? I love my husband so much. We are GREAT when she's not around. Come 1130pm he's got to go say goodnight! No matter what. .. yes we have to wait on EVERYTHING for him to go hangout again for her bedtime goodnight with dad. If he isn't there she is banging on my bedroom door! She is 10 soon. This is ridiculous!!!! #1 are you kidding me? At her age my kids where in bed by 9pm. #2 it's ADULT TIME. we don't even have a sex life now. Once a month if I'm lucky? I'm a 50'sstyle pin up model? We had an active sex life when we met. I kind of feel like he got me here, made me fall for him and switched on me. When I moved in I am the one who supported the entire family and took care of all the household duties. I'm a nurse by trade and only after meeting my husband did I start modeling here and there. His business was losing money and he was in the hole. I basically rescued them financially and emotionally. Now he has money and just can't seem to save me emotionally. Its hard when on a daily basis your step daughter is glaring at you then as my husband walks by she tears up and then after 10 mins she tells him "I don't know why mom hates me. .. she's always giving me dirty looks and saying mean things that hurt my feelings and make me feel bad" HE BELIEVES HER!!!! I CRY BECAUSE I GET SO FRUSTRATED THAT HE DEEP DOWN BELIEVES HER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HATE HER BUT BECAUSE SHE IS A LIAR AND THIEF. I can't even leave my purse out or she steals money. I know everyone will say "counseling" but my husband refuses and says I'M THE ADULT AND I NEEDED TO DEAL WITH IT. This morning she swung her umbrella hitting my $3200 fridge OVER AND OVER HARD ENOUGH TO LEAVE 2- 3" Dents. I bought this fridge BEFORE I MET THEM. I'm NOT ALLOWED to yell or punish her in any form as now he has deemed this as "pre existing" as since I pick on her and saw it happen it was "all in my head so I have a reason to be mean to her". Not one person likes this child. I'm not kidding. Her teachers have all come to me and when they go to him complAining he says they aren't doing their job. What do I do? I'm so lonely now

Leslie - posted on 10/16/2009

I think it is b/c she lives with us. When she used to go to her "mamas" it seemed like it took me a whole week to straighten her back out. I was the same way, hard on my kids and that just was not fair. When I first started with her I took it easy, lets face it she did not know how I ran my house, my kids.. well they have been with me since day one. But as time went on and the older she got... there was no excuse to do what you do when you know it is not alowed. Now she wants to play the "poor lil step child you are always geting on me" No I am always geting on to everyone. She dont pull this til she has been round her "mama"

Rachael - posted on 10/14/2009

Quoting leslie:

I understand where you are coming form. My son is 12 and my step daughter is 13. But when my husband and I first got togehter they were both 4. It was hard. My question to you is... do you two agree on the way the children get disaplined? That was our problem, I always felt it was not my child to get on to but when I would tell her dad he would never really do anything about it. However if my son did the same thing a day or two later my husband would "go off ". We used to really fight about this so one day I put my foot down and said look if it is okay for her to do it then it is okay for him to do it. Or if he gets this as a punsihment than so does she. And then I started taking it into my own hands and started doin her just like she was mine. Yes it was hard at first but over time it has worked out. Now she is just like my own I dont stop and think for one second how to treat her or any of the others. I think his daughter may be doing it for attention or it may be a problem. But the way you talk you pretty much know its because she is "rubbing" it your daughters face. I think maybe you and your husband need to sit down and agree on the way you both will handle things. If this is what happens with your daughter then the same needs to happen with his. Even though she is only 6 she knows right from wrong when she is with yall. If she lives with yall then she needs to know this is how it is. Once you and your husband get on the same page and start treating everyone the same you may see a big change.

Leslie, it's nice to hear that it gets easier over time.  I had a dream that I did what you did...put my foot down...but then I woke up!  LOL!  I tend to be harder on my own child than my step-daughter but am working on understanding that I don't have to "feel bad" for treating them both the same. 

Rachael - posted on 10/14/2009

I agree that a child shouldn't be scolded for wetting themselves...unless YOU KNOW FOR SURE that they are doing it on purpose (my friend's son keeps peeing in his bed knowingly 'cause he doesn't want to walk to the bathroom...now that's a cause for punishment). However, different parenting styles seems to be a big issue in blended families...as does comparing kids! You might say you'd never do that...but I tend to think that almost all of us do, even if it's unintentional. My mom had to split up with her fiance because of the constant subtle, yet very influential, comments they each made about their own children. The fact that you BOTH have a 6 year old makes you more prone to comparing them...but, hey, I do it to, so don't feel bad at all. If his children are doing things that you absolutely don't allow your children to do, then you need to have a serious discussion; you will never get your kids to respect you and your rules if you guys parent them all so differently. And now that you have 1 together, you're going to have to learn to compromise (in my experience, when you 2 are the parents of a child, the stricter one seems to win when it comes to how to parent; when you're the step-parent, you only have a say to a certain extent). For instance, I am overly anal about "a place for everything & everything in its place". My 3 1/2 year old has learned this from me and knows how to put her stuff away correctly. I have tried to teach my step-daughter (6 1/2) time & time again, even had arguments over it...and eventually concluded that it is a no-win situation. Her mom isn't picky about being clean & neither is my husband...with the 2 of them influencing her more so than myself, I'd spend my entire life trying to convince her of my ways. Instead, I set some basic rules and just "teach" my own children to be more particular rather than force it. There are things that get on my nerves that my husband brushes off and vice versa (I DO NOT put up with back talk, eye rolling, hitting, even if it's jokingly, etc. but can, for the most part, handle "little kid pace"...you know, super slow, always stopping to smell the roses, taking their dear sweet time; he, on the other hand, lets the attitude slide but gets super frustrated and yells when the kids move slowly). Part of what I will and won't let slide is influenced by the fact that she is not my child...but I think more of it is that we parent differently and having a THIRD person's opinion in the matter makes things so much more complicated (I'm sure you know how it feels when you wanna do "X" but your husband wants to do "Y"...and your step-child's mom agrees with dad). So, I would say that it is important for dad to sit down with his daughter 1-on-1 and then also include you. No one ever said that you have to feel the same about your step-children as you do your own (and don't feel guilty if you don't)...but there are some things that you need to both be on the same page about and there are other situations that are best settled as a "let's agree to disagree" kind of thing. Parenting is a tough job and it's even tougher to accept that your spouse won't always agree with you (and NO ONE can tell you how to raise your child, right? It's how we ALL feel)...so, sit down and have that talk...keep it friendly at all times...and try to look at it like I do: my step-daughter doesn't need another mom...I am there to be her friend but, since I am an adult & she lives in my home 1/2 the time, she will follow my rules still.

Melony - posted on 10/09/2009

It sounds like dad is handling it wrong, to start off with. You both need to realize that a blended family is stress for both the parents and even more so for the children. It is difficult to have to share their daddy with a new mom but to add to it there is another child and a baby. I would imagine that this little girl is having a hard time adjusting to the situation. When my husband and I got together his younges was 7 years old. She started having episodes where she would pee in her bed at night. We did not punish her or yell at her, as that will just cause more stress for the child. We would ask why she did not go to the bathroom, does she need a nightlight? We would have her strip her bed and help remake it and support her with words. Telling her we know you are old enough to go to the bathroom, please try harder next time. Do not make to big of a deal of it and show compassion and love and she will come out of it I am sure, ours did.

Robin - posted on 10/07/2009

um are there other issues other than wetting herself? because if that is it, then there is a bigger problem, wetting is not something a child should be scolded for!

Elaine - posted on 09/29/2009

i agree with everyone.... i also think you can do a chart for the kids i did find that helpful with ours.... i started it because i had 2 that seemed to be in truble alot. the prize for a good week or good day can be as simple as helping make something for dinner or picking out what you will do .... i tried not to do food but time.... (stories, cooking a walk anything that is uplifting.... good luck

Leslie - posted on 09/29/2009

I understand where you are coming form. My son is 12 and my step daughter is 13. But when my husband and I first got togehter they were both 4. It was hard. My question to you is... do you two agree on the way the children get disaplined? That was our problem, I always felt it was not my child to get on to but when I would tell her dad he would never really do anything about it. However if my son did the same thing a day or two later my husband would "go off ". We used to really fight about this so one day I put my foot down and said look if it is okay for her to do it then it is okay for him to do it. Or if he gets this as a punsihment than so does she. And then I started taking it into my own hands and started doin her just like she was mine. Yes it was hard at first but over time it has worked out. Now she is just like my own I dont stop and think for one second how to treat her or any of the others. I think his daughter may be doing it for attention or it may be a problem. But the way you talk you pretty much know its because she is "rubbing" it your daughters face. I think maybe you and your husband need to sit down and agree on the way you both will handle things. If this is what happens with your daughter then the same needs to happen with his. Even though she is only 6 she knows right from wrong when she is with yall. If she lives with yall then she needs to know this is how it is. Once you and your husband get on the same page and start treating everyone the same you may see a big change.

Rebecca - posted on 09/29/2009

I sounds like a attention thing, between that fact that she has another child in the family that is her own age and now a new baby in the house she maybe feeling like she doesn't now where she belongs. Now that doesn't mean she should get away with breaking rules. Just make sure after her gets her timeout or whatever happens for breaking the rules she knows you still love her and she is a important part of this family but what she did is wrong and that you can have that. As long as you are still showing her that love and she gets her fair share of special time she will find her way. Good Luck!

Megan - posted on 09/28/2009

We have a 7 yr old that still does that, though he has been diagnosed with several things.



if shes a happy healthy 6 yr old I would lean more towards her not knowing where she fits in. With our family we have two 7 yr olds my daughter is the eldest but she is shorter than her stepbrother so they often have a hard time figuring out where they stand. Our biggest issue is that both our eldest boys clash since they are a year apart but act closer to the same age.



maybe try to find out why she is acting up, she could be worrying over things your not aware of (say daddy liking your 6 yr old more, or you taking over as new mom) anything is possible. Dad might have to be the one to find out what the issue is.



At worst you may have found a little one with a personality that clashes with your own, I am sure my daughter has given my husband a few good grey hairs since they clash so much! lol if its a personality clash your going to need to find a middle ground you and her can be happy with.