Is it ok for a step-parent to spank?

Christan - posted on 02/04/2011

I know this was posted a long time ago and you probably have it figured out but I wanted to write to you and let you know what I have to say. I grew up with a step dad and he would spank my sister and I as needed as well as my half brother. It wasn't something that I ended up hating him for, if anything it showed me he loved me enough to teach me right from wrong and it made me the person I am today. I also have a stepson and even though I have never spanked him, he's never really needed it, I have told him I would if he misbehaved and he's never gotten out of line with me. I do only have him every other weekend though so this does have some bearing on things. I would say that you are doing a good job and as long as you and your husband are okay with your current arrangement. Others oppinions are nice to hear but you are going to have to live with the choices you make in your marriage. I think you're doing just fine though.

Kristen - posted on 01/25/2011

I agree with you Samantha. My Mom has said similar things.. I venture to guess that she is offering advice on something she has never had personal experience with...... So, I ask you this, if you're a step parent, you've essentially chosen to take in a child as your own (as in you would adopt his children if the bio mom was gone, right?) and so you have become another parent to that child. That means protection, love, provisions, acceptance, financially, support at school/sports.... so why on earth would one expect a step parent to act that way for all the above and then be take a step back when a child needs loving parental guidance?? That child will "get away with it" bc Dad's at work, I'm PARENTING his child at the moment, he's out of line and I would spank my own........ so I treat all children in my home the same. We also have 4 that live with us full time, my 2 and his 2 (whom I call my Heart Babies, because in my eyes, God gave me 2 to birth biologically and 2 to birth via love in my heart....) Either you are a step parent with all parenting rights and responsibilities or you are a live-in babysitter for your husband's children. And eventually sending those mixed signals to a child of yes I'm your parent in this, this and this, but no I am not your parent here will breed disrespect, behavior issues playing one against the other, resentment both the children and in your marriage, favoritism between your children- especially if you are with them all together yet they are treated differently.... there are far more problems coming from not treating all 4 the way you would your own 2 than there is from occassionally disciplining his..... You are their step PARENT (keyword in all of this) and you have every reason to act as such in all areas of their lives.

Katie - posted on 01/21/2011

There is a big difference between spanking and abusing a child. I don't see a problem with step-parents spanking eachothers children. Like Buffy said kids are not stupid and they will be able to tell who they can walk on and who they can't. I also commend you for not treating your sk's different from your bio's. Trust your instincts and try to ignore what other people think is right for your family.

Ruth - posted on 12/29/2010

Violence is never the answer. there is always another choice (time out, removing privlidges, grounding, counseling) put yourself in anotherpersons place would you spank someone elses child . How could u defend that ? hope this helps

Ellen - posted on 12/22/2010

Some people don't know the difference between spanking and abuse.

Amber - posted on 12/21/2010

I really can not stand when grown ppl get on here and try to berate or demean someone for their choices in parenting. She was asking for advice and support, as I also thought that was the purpose of this group. Those of you trying to force your opinion on her are no better then her medling mother. My mother has a degree in psychology and I an also attending school for the same. As w/ any medical profession the diagnosis (except for physical evidance) is based primarily on what the patient says. And things like "shame on you" and "u should NEVER or EVER" who are we to judge anyone who openly askes for help?!
I am on my 2nd marriage and have sk from both and the best friendly advice I can give, is to tell mom and the rest of the world, "thanks for the advice" and continue to trust yourself and your hubby. Blended families are hard. If your is working count your blessings and continue to enjoy your life.
happy holidays to everyone!

Ellen - posted on 12/21/2010

I think it is not your mothers business. If your husband and you agree then it is not a problem. It would be a no no if you and your husband did not agree.

Buffy - posted on 11/29/2010

i agree that disipline needs to be equal from each parent (step or not). if not, then the children will learn to manipulate a lot sooner and more often. if it is the spanking that is bothering your mother, then ask her for suggestions, but utimately it is between you and your husband how you disipline. i commend you for not treating your bonus kids differently than your bios. i think the kids appreciate that. kids need clear boundries and clear consequenses (w/o favoritism in the child's eye)

LuCynda - posted on 11/16/2010

I do not understand the need for spanking. I am shocked as well by what I am reading. Would anyone - as an adult - like to be hit as a means of communicating something? How would you feel if someone used physical force upon you? You would be resentful and scared. Why do anything that may cause a child to be resentful? You are bigger than they are and it is not right to use scare tactics to force "good" behaviour. Why even go there? I have seen people smack hands - their baby's hands and it upsets me. Why would it not break a parents heart to hurt their child. All things can be done with love and gentleness - there is no need for spanking when there are so many other methods to create good behaviour. Children - and adults - for that matter - respond to praise and encouragement.

I was hit as a kid - in a way I'm sure my mom felt was normal - and as a result - most of us kids hit each other and many of us were very resentful. She hit and spanked in anger. That is damaging to a kid - to any age of kid. My dad spanked me three times total in my life. He did not do it out of anger - he had warned me and when I disobeyed, he told me he had to spank me - and when he did he cried. I have never had resentment towards my dad for spanking because he was not angry. However - the spanking didn't prevent me from doing the "bad" thing again. I just shrugged it off. My mom's spankings and hitting drove a huge wedge between us that I still feel - even though I don't want to. I'm not angry at her anymore - and having kids myself - I do understand her frustration - however, the wedge was placed between us and I don't know that I will ever feel particularily close to her.

My husband and I do not spank. I've never even smacked hands.

When I was a teenager, I babysat a lot. I was the oldest of 10 kids and because my mom used physical force or punishment - so did I. On my brothers. I didn't know any better. But one day I read a story that forever changed me.

A girl was mad at her brother for getting into her lipstick - he tried to apologize and she refused to forgive him. She went to school. While she was there he was hit by a car and was killed. When she got home she was devasted by the accident and could not get out of her heart and mind for years that she had refused to forgive her brother and their last interaction had been one of anger.

She didn't hit him - so why did this hit home for me. I was hitting my brothers and I absolutely adore my brothers. I thought about how I would feel if something happened to one of them - I would not want to feel horrible for the rest of my life because possibly our last interaction was me giving them a beating. I swore to myself I would never lay a hand on them again. I swore to myself I would never lay a hand on my own children - and I havent't.

My kids aren't perfect at all. They have their moments - they occasionally disobey and they receive a natural consequences - never physical consequences. I never had a problem with my kids touching things they shouldn't touch as babies. I never had to "baby proof" my house (collectables removed etc) - One time my son pushed the spout on the water cooler and literally - I tapped the back of his hand with my finger. Not at all in a punishment type of way - I tapped it like you would tap someone on the shoulder to get there attention and said "we don't push the water spout on the cooler Zach" and he broke into tears which broke my heart that he thought I was punishing him. He is much more tender hearted than some of my other kids - but I haven't had to use physical force on any of them and they are all very well behaved. I don't even yell. I use tone of voice and when they were babies I used a "pssst" sound if they were about to touch something they shouldn't - and that's all it took.

So why spank when there are so many other options - options that will have a lasting effect. I've had a couple of kids ask me if they could just have a spanking instead - spankings are quick and then over and done so they can just get back to what they were doing. Natural consequences usually hurt much more - and are much more effective. Example - my daughter recently left the house and went to a friends after being told no. It happened to be the evening of a church event I knew she was greatly excited about. We found her about 5 minutes after she should have been dropped off. She had kept pretty good track of time for her age and had headed for home so she wouldn't miss this event. We had already dropped her older sister off. Natural consequence - she got into the car - my husband and I didn't say much - we just turned around and drove home. She was extremely upset that she missed the event. Natural consequence.

One tool I use is an iphone app called BeGood. It's a points system. You can create a profile for each child. Add their picture. You then add their goal - something they need to earn. You can put a picture of that goal into their profile. You then make a list of tasks and assign them a point value. As they complete the tasks - you tap the buttom beside that task and it add the points. There is a bar beside their picture and as they get points - the bar fills up. They can visually see their progress which is a very strong motivator.They can also visibly see when they LOSE points for misbehaving - which is also a powerful motivator. They see how close they are getting to their goal and they lose points they worked so hard for.

I have chore type tasks and behaviour tasks added. Since each kids is different and needs to work on different things - they are not all exactlly alike. The chore points are - but - for example - my 8 year old has a tendency to have temper tantrums. She gets points for each day she does not have a tantrum. My 6 year old has a very hard time sleeping in his own bed - he gets points when he goes to bed when he's told and when he stays there all night.

The great thing about this app is that you can quickly dock points, so if my kids get into a squabble for example - I just pull my phone out of my pocket and inform them they are losing points for arguing. It is amazing how quickly they hug and make up.

I use this app even for myself and my teens.

Anyway - enough with this long novel. I just believe there are other options.

Oh - one more thing. We have a blended family also. My two oldest children are mine from another marriage and my four younger children are from my husband and I. My two older children's father has never been involved with my kids lives and my husband has been in their lives since they were 1 1/2 and 6 months. Therefor - he is all they've known. Lucky for me he also believes in discipline through love and natural consequences so I don't have to worry about him spanking - but I DO know that my teens have sometimes felt like he is easier on the other kids - which he isn't - but it isn't about my husband - it's about THEIR perception - they already feel a little "different" than the other kids - so they are more inclined to perceive discipline differently than the younger kids. We have had a few rough years with my 16 year old son and I know the times my husband has gotten angry with him it has alienated him to a larger degree.

Anyway - that is my long two cents - flame away.

Kim - posted on 11/15/2010

Colleen, I cannot believe what you've said. What a load of codswollop! Jails are NOT full of adults who were raised this way. They may have prisoners who were belted up constantly by abusive, non-caring parents, but that is not why they are in prison. They are in prison as a result of their lack of respect for the law and for the consequences of breaking it. I can assure you, I was raised with physical consequences, as were my parents, and their parents, etc and not one of us has "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" as a result of physical punishment. My children get a smack as a result of doing something wrong. They have learned that they can choose to misbehave, but by choosing poor behaviour they are also choosing an unfavourable consequence. They are not angry, they do not have low self esteem, they do not resent us. And for that matter, neither do any people I know who were smacked as children! How's that for homework for you! Surely your specialty in psychiatry has taught you that individuals respond to stimuli in individual ways. If your response resulted in PTSD, then physical punishment was not the best way to discipline you. My two kids are different. One needs isolation, the other physical consequence. Please do not push your opinions on others by emotional threat and instilling insecurity ("I would report you!!! SHAME on you.") No, Colleen, shame on YOU!

Colleen - posted on 11/12/2010

No adult should hit a child, period. EVER!!!! I have raised two step children with full custody. Bio fa should b the one who disciplines ALWAYS! AND NEVER PHYSICAL!! Can't even believe what I am reading. I am an RN with a specialty in psychiatry. I would report you!!! SHAME on you. Do your homework and realize that spanking raises angry, low self esteem, resentful children. Your r also role modeling that the way to manage anger is by hitting. Hitting may teach kids how to behave, but they only behave out of fear. Not because u are instilling values of right/wrong. (a conscience) The jails are FULL of adults who were raised the way u r raising your kids. I will pray for u. p.s. I have been diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder from my mother hitting me as a child.

Sashai - posted on 11/11/2010

No step parents should not be allowed to spank just because they are married to the Childs bio parent. There is more to it. The relationship that u have with the child is what will determine how they take u spanking them and whether or not they will respect u at the end of the day. When a bio parent spanks they have already built that trust and love with their child so that the child and parent know he spanking is out of love so the child will likely not resent the bio parent. It takes more than marrying the child's bio parent to build that love and trust so that the child respects u as a parental figure in their lives and trusts that u mean well at the end o the day. Sadly most step parents want the authority rights but don't want to out in the same unconditional love and encouragement, nurturing etc that they would be giving to their own bio children and children will pick up on that. You have to put that work in, also depends on the age of the child.

Christina - posted on 10/18/2010

Do you mean me? We have been living together for 10mnths now. We are planning on getting married, but are in no rush. We both had very bad marriages, and my divorce has been dragging on for almost 19mnths, but it is finally almost over. We will go get a common law marriage certificate once my divorce is finally over, but seeing as neither of us had a wedding with our first marriages, we want a real wedding. As we are paying for it ourselves, we are in no rush to get it done because we would rather wait and it be everything we dreamed of then rush and not be happy with it.

Cynthia - posted on 10/17/2010

I don't mean any harm but, I'm surprised that you two are still married.

Christina - posted on 10/17/2010

Tell your mom to butt out. For step-parents, it is up to what works for your family and what you both are comfortable with.
We have five kids, four are mine and one is his, and he will spank mine if needs be and I have spanked his. What our five kids notice is that they are all treated the exact same by both of us, so they never think, "Oh, he is not our real daddy and he loves his son more than us," or visa versa. Each family has their own form of discipline that works for them, and no one has a right to butt into your parenting unless there is child abuse, and spanking isn't child abuse.

Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2010

We don't use spanking as a tool in our home. However, I would actually take into consideration how the absent parent feels when making this decision, if they are involved. It would offend me if my ex's significant other ever spanked my kids. However, I think your discipline should be consistent and it can cause hard feelings if some kids are spanked and others are not...I also wouldn't suggest one parent tell the other parent to spank...there are just all sorts of issues that arise from this. This is such an individual decision that will have to be made between you and your spouse. :)

Jackie - posted on 10/09/2010

It depends on your beliefs and making sure that there is equality. In my house theres my 3 year old son who has never known his biological father and has never had a father figure until my boyfriend and I got together. Then theres his 11 year old daughter that has lived with her mother until this last May when we got custody. My boyfriend does spank my son and I'm okay with it as long as its appropriate for the circumstances. He only gives one or two swats ever. However I will not spank his daughter for any reason. She does have a mother and thats why I dont spank her. We have other ways of disciplining her. Taking her mp3 player, computer time, or the cell phone (its not activated shes way too young for one) just kills her. Youd think we beat her when thats taken. I know it does sound weird but my 3 year old will not do time out and doesnt care if you take things from him. SPanking him is the only thing that works. It really depends on the family and as long as the two of you are concise with each others kids then there shouldnt be any resentment. Just make sure that all the kids understand that they are all loved equally and punished equally and they will be ok.

Robin - posted on 08/23/2010

I think since you are blending this family into ONE family, you should be able to discpline ALL the children the same. Whichever form of discpline you and your husband agree on should be the same for all children and inforced by BOTH parents. JMHO

Meghan - posted on 08/21/2010

and let me restate, that if the step-parents are never allowed to discipline step-kids, most of the kids would totally take advantage of that thus getting away with a lot and making step-parents frustrated. They shouldn't have to come find bio-parent EVERY time a child does something wrong.

Meghan - posted on 08/21/2010

but it also depends on age and how involved the bio-dad is with them. If they're young enough it's not such a big deal, especially if the bio-dad isn't around much. They'll see the step-dad as the dad and the bio-dad as this other guy. The older they get the more blurred the line between ok and not ok becomes. Personally I feel that it's ok either way. The kids should have had a relationship with him before he became your husband anyway. It will not work out if he doesn't discipline them at all, they'll just walk all over him. I think you're doing the right thing. Just remind your mom that these are your kids, not hers, and you will raise them and make decisions for and about them in their best interest based on what you feel is right. Grandmother's don't HAVE to share your view on raising a child.

Rhea - posted on 08/18/2010

a lot of people have odd ideas about blended families. SPs (key word PARENT!) should not be left out of the parenting loop just because they didn't give birth to the child. SPs should take active steps in that area, on the same page as the BP. I don't spank my SKs only because it doesn't work on them. They don't like it when I discipline them, but they also don't like it when dad disciplines them. They will respect us later, I'm sure (much like I do my parents and I was spanked).

Kathy - posted on 08/14/2010

Never ok to spank step children. The mother or father should. I've never disciplined my husband's children and he isn't allowed to discipline mine. No matter how you say you feel, the love for your own child will never be the same as for someone elses child and there is the chance that the discipline in any form will be biased. Even if you try not to be and think that you're not. Rules and the consequences for breaking the rules should be the same, but the administering of the discipline should be the the parent, not step parent This is why I say this...I do not get involved with his childrens' discipline, that's his place. I get along great with all 4 of his children, now ages 27, 26,23, and 16. He has been trying to discipline mine 4 ten years now and we fight. My kids don't want him to tell them what they can and can't do, he is not their Dad. Their Dad lives down the road. My kids do not respect him. He treats them differently than his kids. Even he thinks he doesn't. The consequences for breakings rules are different for his kids than mine. To have a peaceful and stress free family life, discipline your own children. What reason is there that the step parent has to do it?

Wendy - posted on 08/06/2010

You see the baby in my arms is my ex-step daughters baby and I did discipline here no spanking though because she was a teen when her dad and I married but she had no discipline from bio-mother or my husband until I came along. She was a wild child before me. I showed her direction and she loves me for it. So much so that when her father and I split up she moved in with me, not her mom or dad but me! And I love being grandma now!

Kenya - posted on 08/06/2010

I have 1 biological child and 4 stepchildren that I am raising along with my husband. We have been raising the kids for 7 years. They see their mother at times but my husband and I are the primary caregivers so we each have the right to discipline each others children. We treat all the children as if they are ours together. If they came to visit every other weekend maybe it would be different.

Heather - posted on 08/06/2010

I have 2 step-kids that I treat as my own. My husband has full custody & we raise them full-time together. Key word - - TOGETHER. If you can't have full child-raising privlidges/responsibilities, you're not really a family. I think you're absolutely justified in disciplining each other's children as long as it's something you mutually agree upon, inclusive of the method.

I think mom has outdated ideas (no offense!!) and may never have been in the situation you're in. Until you've lived it...you have NO CONCEPT of it.

Wendy - posted on 08/05/2010

Wrong! Your children will respect you more for keeping them in line and show the children that you love them so much that you want them to toe the line. If you and your husband are on the same page on discipline I don't see a problem. As long as it isn't abusive or excessive there isn't a problem and it doesn't sound like that is the case here, so love those kids and keep them in line!
Wendy

Becky - posted on 08/04/2010

I have 3 stepkids and I can tell you, I certainly do spank when needed but both the mom and dad won't so I will! However, I have recently tried a different type of "physical" punishment that seems to work even better than spanking and that is standing on tip toes with arms raised above the head......by the end they are more than ready to listen and do what is asked of them....I got this technique from another parent that spanking didn't work on theirs either!

Lisa - posted on 08/03/2010

I think it's a little different when they aren't your own. My husband and I married bringing 1 daughter each into the marriage. My husbands daughters Mom was still involved, my daughters Dad was not. We spoke or verbally disciplined each or both, when it came to spanking the couple of times it was the parent whos child it was, sadly it's just the way it is these days with bleneded families. Good luck!

Karen - posted on 08/02/2010

You gave to find what works for each child. Some kids don't respond well with spankings others once is all it takes. However you and hubby have to be on same page. As for others having a say. Unless it's the Bio other parent. Who cares what they say! They don't live your life.

My opinion

Holly - posted on 08/02/2010

Hi Samantha...you've rec'd a lot of response on this, wow. I'm a sm of 2, with one biological that's ours. I have been married to dad since kids were 2 and 4. We started with me spanking as discipline, then when mom disliked it we changed to me using other means. I think it is up to you and your husband/as well as the kids mom if she is involved in their life. If she is not an issue, then it's up to you and your hubs. I will say that spankings didn't work for my sd so we had to put her in the corner or in her room. My ss was more sensitive, so we only had to talk sternly to him and then my bs we have had to spank. So, even there you see that each kid has a different discipline that works for them. Each case is as individual as the people involved. Good luck. :)

Heather - posted on 07/29/2010

If you are their primary caregiver, then I would think it's o.k. But if their own mother is their primary caregiver, and they are just visiting you, then I'd say no. Their father should be the one disciplining them. Even though you are married. I would never want some other woman spanking my kids. But if they look at you as their mother figure, then it's totally different.

Amanda - posted on 07/29/2010

I think it is ok to spank each other's kids for the fact that you are married now, so it is longer yours and his but ya'll's. As long as you parent together and back each other up then I do not see a problem with it.

Tara - posted on 07/27/2010

I think that if spanking is something that you choose as a disapline for you children then your step children should not be any different. Its my opinion that you shouldnt have seperate rules for your step kids. I dont spank my kids at all but the method of disipline is the exact same for everyone all the time not just when their biological parent is there to administer it.
good luck!

Jackie - posted on 07/26/2010

There is a fine line there. I dont spank my step daughters but they have their mother in their lives still. My son does get spanked by my fiance but hes 3 and doesnt have a father in his life. Its not very often that Paul spanks him though. Maybe twice a month but thats about it.
As long as both parents are in agreement of the spankings then I dont see a problem with it. Paul tells me I can spank the girls if they nesd it but since their mother is still in their lives I dont feel that I have the right too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it really doesnt matter what other people think as long as you and your husband agree and there isnt excessive force used. I dont believe that the children will resent you as long as its not done out of anger.

Ebony - posted on 07/25/2010

Hey Samantha!
To a certain extent the "children" won't respect you. My mom married my dad (step-dad) when I was 7 years old. I believe the first time he spanked me was when I was 8 or 9. I definently deserved it because I was disrespectful to my mom and other adults. As a child I didn't realize how much I needed those spankings and how much it would help me in the long run. I definently despised my step-father as a child. I truly resented him! Now that I am an adult, I appreciate every spanking I received from my dad because I am well-off than what I would have been if he hadn't.

Brandi - posted on 07/24/2010

Samantha - I think that it is okay for both of you to spank eachother's kids. While I believe that in excess it's not right, sometimes its is what works. My fiance has two older kids and I have a 4 year old. We beilelve that in order to prevent the kids from believing one parent lets them do something else and the other won't, we do all things together and enforce the rules the same way.....while we each have our own style, technique , or warnings - in the end we try to support eachother with the things that happen. I feel that if both you and your husband believe that spanking is the way to go sometimes and both know the other does it , then it's fine.

Bratz - posted on 07/24/2010

this is true what your mother is saying i myself came from a home where there was just my mother and me than my adopted father became involved in my life, he spanked me when i was getting disorderly but as i got older i developed a hatred towards him due to the fact that i was being disaplined by someone other than my mother I would have to say that if the children are young expecially they need to be have enough time to delvelop a relationship and really get to know when they are pushing the other parents buttons the children need boundrys and it is ok for the other parent to enforce rules but could you try other ways of disaplining without the use of spanking ?