My blended Family is a blended mess what should I do?

Josephine - posted on 03/07/2012

You tell your husband and his parents that y'all are a family now, and a whole. Not mine/his. When you stop putting labels to seperate them it works a whole lot better. His daughter should be with y'all, it shouldn't be her choice on who she should live with. Sounds like to me your husband is the type that deals with her by giving her, her way so he doesn't have to do some real parenting. Do chores on the weekend! She will have no choice but to participate. And if she or he objects, simply tell them both "there are no favorites or special privilages in this house." That fair is fair there is no in between. Tell him that he isn't raising a little girl, but a future woman. Maybe that will put it in a different perspective. Not trying to be harsh or ugly, but its not fair for your child to ask you the hard questions on why she doesn't have to but I do. And you shouldn't be the one having to answer. Honestly y'all have a seperation in your family, and the kids will never respect eachothers role in their life much less y'alls as the parents.

Randi - posted on 02/04/2012

I have similar problems but my kids are younger...my oldest is 7 and she is the ONLY person (including my husband) that will help me clean. His oldest son has some behavioral problems but he's the first granchild on his side of the family so he's perfect in the gradparents eyes and my oldest daughter is the "trouble maker" because she has adhd....it is stressful and I have yet to find a way to deal with it. You can't talk to them about it they think you're mean for punishing their perfect child for thowing something at you or not cleaning their room. I constantly think I am losing my mind. My kids are 7, 5, 5, 3 and almost 2

Kimberly - posted on 02/01/2012

Hi Stacy,

It sounds to me like You & you Husband have 0 communication with the kids. (especially the 2 oldest)

Blended families require so much emotional work at the beginning in order to establish a bond of Trust.

Imagine being 4 & 7 and taking in all of the emotion you & your husband experienced in 2 years!  It's a lot for little ones to wrap their minds around & even more of a mess when both parents don't really bond with the "before children."

Your Step-Daughter wants more then anything in the world to have You as her Mommy- 

Even at 4 - she knew Grandma as Grandma- She wants & Needs a Mom.  The disrespectful & unruliness behavior she's displaying is  really hurt, confusion, & isolation. These emotions are difficult for a young girl & usually turn into obesity, sexual promiscuity, or drug/alcohol abuse by 14-ish.

I'm wondering what kind of effort you've made to let this 11 year old girl know You love her like your own & will Always be there for her? 

House Chores make children feel included & a part of the big family picture. (regardless what they may say) 

Not sure why your 5 year olds are just now putting their own toys away? At 5 - they are very capable of setting tables for meals (minus knives of course) taking their dirty dishes to the sink, taking trash out, etc...

Your 14 year old son should be following your Husbands lead---> 

If you reach out to your Step-Daughter I promise your request from her will no longer fall on deaf ears - 

In the meantime, including all of the children a few times a week preparing dinner & with cleanup

Will defiantly start the bonding process. 

Having been on both sides of your situation - patience, kindness, & unconditional love is what ultimately brought my Mom(step-mom) & I to have a beautiful relationship ♥ 

   

Good Luck & Happy Thoughts 

K

Dusty - posted on 01/27/2012

I had this same problem with my husband when we got together. His daughter was just perfect in his eyes. Um, bullshit. (Excuse my language) Eventually it ended up with an ultimatium. He either treated my son & his daughter the same, or he was gone. As much as I love him, my children come above anything & anyone. I love my stepdaughter dearly, & have always treated her the same, but if it came down to it, I would always choose my biological children over her. Not if they were doing something wrong, but I mean if I had to get rid of a child to make a situation better, I would leave my husband & stepdaughter. I love her, but I didn't give birth to her. I will always love her, & I would never, ever, in a million years, tell her that I wouldn't choose her over my own children, but that's just the way it is. Once I gave my husband the ultimatium, he took it, & he chose to treat my son & his daughter the same. I suggest you talk to your husband & tell him exactly what's going to happen if he doesn't start treating them the same. It's not fair to your son, & it could also be emotionally & mentally damaging to him.

Maree - posted on 01/23/2012

Stacy...yep,mess is a good word for your situation.

I have a blended family also. DH and i have a boy each,mine 11 and his 10. SS does not live with us (thank Christ). DS is a good boy but my husband seems to think at times he is bad and doing the wrong thing. I think he is just being a normal kid. He is a great brother to our 10 month old daughter where as his son can't be bothered with her. He comes every second weekend and because my husband works a lot,he doesn't see what his son does therefore doesn't really dicipline him.When he does tell him off it is usually just explaining to him what he did wrong where as with my son his tone of voice is not nice and he seems angrier. He says its because my son knows better and back chats (true sometimes) and that his son isn't over much so will take longer to learn,plus he doesn't deliberately do the wrong thing...he is just a bit hopeless. I don't want to dicipline SS because i don't feel its my job or my right...he tells me to dicipline him but i never do. he diciplines my son sometimes,now my son is saying that its unfair because his SB never gets in trouble.

He is starting to resent SB and sometimes isn't nice to him,he also tells me every time SB does something wrong because he wants him to be in trouble also. I don't want this going on but the rules need to be the same or we will end up with 2 boys that hate each other.

It's hard when you don't agree with the forms of dicipline or what is considered to be "naughty". This is why blended families break up so often...too much baggage.

I don't have any advice for you but i wish you good luck.