My Friends Daughter, What should I do?

Lauren - posted on 09/03/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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So I have a question, but first the background info. My friend, we'll call her T, is staying in our home right now. She has a daughter, we'll call her B. B is 10. I have two children myself, age 9 & 7.



T & B have been staying in our home because she moved up here recently. First she lived in VA, then went to her Aunt's in GA after her divorce & got in a fight with her Aunt. She moved up here to live with her Mom (I'm in CT) & got in a fight with her Mom. So she was pretty much homeless. I told her she could stay here rent free until she got a job & got on her feet.



Two separate times since she's been here, she trekked her daughter down to VA to try to get her old job back, but it didn't work out so she came back. Poor kid was in the car each time for over 24 hrs straight. B is such a good kid & I feel really bad she's going through all this.



So now there here again. T just lost child support cause her ex isn't working so I took B out to buy back to school supplies, an outfit from Kohl's & $75 Nike sneakers.



My fiancée was telling me about hearing B crying cause she had a splinter & T telling her not to be such a baby & then he heard a smack & B crying more. He also said T told him we're too lenient on our kids & we let them get away with too much. He also said that my son kept saying his name while she was talking & she said "Excuse me! You need to wait your turn, that's VERY RUDE!" & he didn't like her reprimanding my kids like that. I know T has been having a rough time finding a job & really depressed so I said, hey, sometimes I get snappy when in upset. He said he felt she was not appreciative of everything we're doing for her.



Last night I was about to come upstairs from my room in the basement & I hear T talking in the living room to B. T asked her if she was the one who didn't close the cereal box. She said you need to close it do it doesn't get stale. Then she just snapped & started yelling, MAYBE I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR IT YOU LITTLE SHIT! She kept going saying do you want me to give you up for adoption huh? Is that what you want? YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!



My kids were sitting on the couch too. She stormed upstairs. I told my fiancée about it. He was upset. He said we shouldn't let T stay here anymore. I said after her Mom kicked her out, she lived in her car for 2 days. I don't want B to go through that again. He said well we could call Social Services on her. (She never cooks for B either. Always buys her crap microwave meals & I end up serving B some of our dinner cause I want her to eat healthy).



I told my fiancée I think it's a little harsh to just jump over her like that without a warning first. My fiancée didn't really want to be a part of talking to T though. He wanted me to handle it on my own, although I said if we talk to her, he needs to be present. I'm kind of concerned because he did NOT like being told by her that he wasn't a good parent, but he wants to talk to her about how she parents. When I said that he said, well, it's more so that our kids witness these outbursts too & that's not right.



I'm worried she'll be defensive if we talk about this & decide to leave & live in her car with B. If she doesn't, I'm worried about what to do if she doesn't change her attitude & start playing more of a parent role. Oh also, neither one (T or B) showers maybe more than once per week & I really feel like its because of lack of parenting. T also spends a lot of time hiding out in her room & I kind of feel like I have three kids now instead of two, but I'd rather B & my kids have home cooked meals & a clean house to live in than make B leave. I just don't know what to do if she gets upset or if she doesn't make changes?

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Lauren - posted on 10/06/2012

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She took B back down to VA. I asked where she was staying, I knew she couldn't get her old job back, but she just said we'll be fine. This is the 3rd time she's trekked her back down there. I'm pretty certain if she asked to come back the answer this time will be no. She also made her transfer school 3 wks in to the year. I feel horrible for poor B, but it's kind of out of my hands now. Hopefully things improve for her & I worry about her, but it's much less stressful now they're gone.

Lauren - posted on 10/06/2012

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After I had a very stressful & busy week & dishes continued to pile up because I was too busy to do them & no one else washes dishes out of the goodness of their heart, I did finally speak to her about house work. I said that she doesn't pay rent or cook, but the least she could do is help clean.



She tried to tell me that we made too many dishes & she didn't feel it was fair to her to have to wash that many. One it's not true because with me, my fiancée, my 2 kids, his 3 every other weekend & T & B, I didn't have enough dishes to feed every one more than 1 meal per day w/o spending all day washing dishes, do I've been buying paper plates & plastic cups which everyone had been good about using, including her though it was expensive to keep up with. I told her I don't ask her for much, I don't ask her to help with TP which doubled in use since she arrived, paper plates/plastic cups, milk, dish soap, etc. She could help wash dishes, that's not asking for much. I still did vacuuming & dusting on my own & cleaning the bathroom which got dirty fast with only 1 for sometimes 9 people to share.



I also made a point finally about the microwave meals. T stopped letting B eat our meals because I asked her to contribute to meals by buying some hamburger meat or chicken to help us out. She didn't like that, so told B only to eat her food. I said if that's the case, start cooking her real meals! She claimed there wasn't enough room in the fridge/freezer. I said bull, I have the entire top shelf empty for you.



She didn't like my rules. She didn't like being told what to do or have to help around the house. She t

Kelly - posted on 10/06/2012

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Look right now I wold seek the advice of a counselor or social service. She is verbally abusive to the child. Who cares abot the mom at this point. That child needs someone to stand up and rally for her. Yo have observed several incidences of verbal abuse. What she feeds her is not one of them but her language. Ask someone what is the best approach so that intervention can be forced. One more thing. If she is living under YOUR roof she will abide by all rules or get out. Plain and simple. People like this often take advantage of others and never change until they have to. Sit down with her and set goals and expectations and put them on a timeline. This women also helps clean and takes responsiblity in the home and some of your first rules...no language,,,,no yelling,,,,and sorry but no parenting advice is needed by her to you. she needs a ton!

Michelle - posted on 09/17/2012

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If the child really was in the car both times for over 24 hours straight this is just cause for calling Social Services. If a parent cannot provide the necessities of life that is neglect and that certainly appears to be the case. I commend you for showing such compassion and concern for this young girl. I wouldn't think it would hurt to call Social Services and explain everything as you have here and simply ask them if it is cause to investigate. If not they may just start a file and that way if things progress they have started some kind of record and can see a pattern of behviour.

Lauren - posted on 09/03/2012

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Well my fiancée left me alone today & my Dad had planned to take my kids to his pool, so of course they asked if B could go & she did. So it was just me & T in the house even though I told my fiancée if he wants me to talk to her, I think he should at least be present, but he said he had errands to do & couldn't wait for her to come out of her room. I had already given her the heads up last night that we needed to talk. She said, I knew this was coming. I played dumb & said what's coming? She said I knew you were going to want to talk to me.



Anyway after that, I couldn't very well say never mind, but didn't want to do it alone. I ended up sending a text just basically said my fiancée said he didn't like you reprimanding my son, he didn't like you saying we're not good parents & he kind of feels you're very negative. We both also didn't think telling your daughter you would give her up for adoption was appropriate as my kids heard it & I don't want them thinking that's what parents do when they're mad. I said we're not trying to come down hard or be mean, but it's affecting the whole house.



She replied she was sorry, would work more on trying to be positive & had apologized to her daughter already for the adoption thing. Then she said she should probably go to a shelter. I said we're not kicking you out & that's not good for B. School starts tomorrow & moving her around so much has not been a good thing for her especially when she's just beginning to feel stable. After that she left for about five hours. When B got home I gave her a brief overview of what happened. I said I told your mom I didn't like the adoption comment & I think she's mad at me & said maybe she might go to a shelter. I told her of she does, but you would rather stay here you can & you can tell your mom that too.



I don't want her to think I'm trying to take her kid away. I just want her kid to have some stability & if that means staying here for a few weeks til her mom finds a place so be it. I worry about calling social services. It's not like B has any bruises & she lives in a clean home cause it's my home. So all they can go on are some shouting matches. So if social services just did a visit & closed the case, she'd know it was me that called & be mad & leave & who knows where B would end up? In a car or a shelter or God only knows.



I haven't really had any contact with T since she came home. I just don't know what to do if things don't change? I don't want to over-step bounds & tell her how to parent, but she really needs to stop feeding her microwave meals & make her shower more. I didn't know how to say that so I just kind of let it go. It still worries me though.

Helen - posted on 09/03/2012

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ok personally alarm bells are ringing for me. she has fell out with two people....thats saying something. i dont think there is any point in talking to her as she will probably blow up and start shouting and all the kids will be stuck listening to it. is there a way of getting in touch with her family and find out what happened there? for me i would be going to social services. its not nice but sometimes its the wake up call people need. they might be able to help get her somewhere and give her some support to cope. as for your fiancee, its not easy to speak to someone about parenting skills and he could be worried that she will just throw things back in your faces and end up in a row, also he may see it as she is your friend. as horrible as it is you need to think of the child now and what they need and sometimes thats being cruel to be kind. good luck

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