My husband's 38yr old daughter has driven a wedge between us.

Sofia - posted on 03/29/2012

I'm sorry to hear about what your going through. Life with your husband should not be such a struggle and kudos to you for putting up with it. I dont think I could!



I dont understand why your SD hates you so much, other than because you're not mom, which means she is acting childish. If there is no basis for her feelings, then she's obviously wrong and someone needs to put her in her place. From what you've said, I think you already know that responsibility falls under your husband. As her dad, he needs to "man-up" and stand up to his daughter. Sounds like he wont do that though because he is NOT CONFIDENT in his relatioship with her and is AFRAID to rock the boat and loose his daughter. My guess is that their relationship has not been a strong one. He feels more confident in your marriage, which is why he is willing to sacrifies your feelings instead. In the long run, however, that doesnt work. Because, just as you are feeling it now, after not being taken seriously for a long time, you start to feel neglected and unloved. It's a tough situation. How is a parent suppose to choose between their "child" (although she is an adult) and their spouse? From his point of view, I understand it's a struggle. From your point of view, I can see your growing resentment and mistrust.



There's 2 ways that I can see as a solution to this:

1) An ultimatum for your husband. You ask that he defends you or else your marriage is over.

2) Understand that he in unable to stand up to his daughter for whatever reason, and you will have to live with it. You DO have control over who comes to your home. You DO have control over who you speak with. If your husband wants to visit his daughter somewhere that is not your home, let him. If speaking to his daughter upsets you, then dont speak with her. Hang up the phone. And as hurtful and disrespectful as it is to have other ppl call you names, you have no control over what comes out of ppl's mouth, so dont sweat it. Who cares if they call you names behind your back? It's only their opinion and their opinion should not MATTER to you. Their opinion of you does not make you who you are, so dont worry about it.



As far as the money situation, I think telling your husband directly that he is spending his money foolishly, is a dead end. He's only going to become defensive and feel like you are trying to control him. Go at it from a different angle. Set up a monthly budget. Make sure all of YOUR household needs are met first. Make allotments for vacations or a cpl of other extra things. If after that there is money left for him to support other ppl, so be it. Let him. And dont complaint. If there isnt money left, then show him what you've come up with. Numbers dont lie. It's not personal but simply what's on black and white. If he has a different way to budget your expenses to make room for him to support his "other" family, then see what he comes up with and be open to it. It sucks to share income with other ppl that you feel dont deserve it, but i think that unless your willing to break off your marriage, you're going to have to deal with it the best way you can.



Sorry if this sounded so long winded. There were alot of different subjects to tackle. I think you and your husband would best benefit from going to counseling. There's alot going on here and I dont think your wounds are going to heal that easily unless you address them.