My husbands ex-wife just doesnt want to get along

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Rachel - posted on 11/17/2012

you all need to ethier sit down and talk about it or if it is really bad go to counsel

Kimberly - posted on 11/14/2012

Unfortunately, all the grief and anger she has for your husband automatically gets attached to you. The best you can do is do all your best for the child and hope she eventually matures or works through some of her own anger problems.

Carla - posted on 11/12/2012

Its always better for the child/ children when the parents can all get along including the step parents if a child disrespects the step-parent and others in the house hold then both parents need to say hey this is not going to work you will respect others in the whichever household this is going on in.If you as parents allow them to disrespect a step-parent they then think its ok to disrespect others..I am and have been a step-parent since I was 23 yrs old I am now 51 me nor my husband allowed it to happen in our home..

Kassie - posted on 11/05/2012

I know how you feel. I'm steel gettin use to bein a step-mom as well. But I hope I can help you. My husbands then 16 yr old son had it in for me at the start. He hated the fact that his dad remarried and he didn't get back together with his mom. So he took all of his anger and being disrespectfull to me and my three children. His mother naturally took up for him telling his dad (my husband) to give him some time. We did but it got to the point that his anger was starting to tare apart my husband and I. So my husband put his foot down. He told his son the way it's going to be and told his ex the same thing. That he will respect our home and everyone in the home and if he can't then he will have to go live with his mother. Your husband needs to talk to his ex-wife and tell her if she cannot talk to yall respectfully in or outside of our home. Then we dont need to speek when our son is present. You cannot controll what she says about yall when he is with his mother. But yall can controll the way he speeks to yall in your home and the way he treats the other children in yalls home. If he cannot then he will have to stay with his mother and let her deal with it. Trust me he will see the light and will be wanting to come back. It will take some time but it will get better. It got better for us.

Teresa - posted on 11/05/2012

Yes, it is bad when the mothers talk bad about there father to the kids. They need to stop it, it hurts the child not the parent. Grow up!!!!

Teresa - posted on 11/05/2012

I feel you... I just wish they would grow up, things happen and they need to move on. Your ex boyfriend has moved on and gotten married but you are unhappy so you want to cause drama because you cant find anybody because you are holding on to something you cant have because he married someone else and not you. But he still treats the baby mama like she is important so he can see his child because she uses the child to see him. He tells me I dont want her I married you but he plays games with her to make her feel good and I feel he is holding her back from find someone it has been over 5 yrs. His heart is too big.

Julie - posted on 10/31/2012

IN YOUR HOME you set the pace of no cussing disrespect, etc.

UNDERSTANDING that the anger ,may well be his world fell apart when his parents split - and it has nothing to do with you

but since you are a neutral person (no emotional ties)

you are naturally the target because you now have Dad ♥

Sorry = be good to him - you may be his only chance at a normal, loving life ...

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

If she isn't willing to get along with you, I'm not sure there's anyway to make it happen. I would just leave it alone and have him be the one to discuss things with her.

You guys need to do what you need to in order for your time with him to go as smoothly as possible. If that means counseling while he's with you, then that's what you need to do. She doesn't have to approve of it. It's not like it's something that can hurt him anyway.

The child is just feeding off the behavior of his mother. It's not fair to you at all.

Crystal - posted on 10/24/2012

well this is a hard one . you have her son her ex . she is mad right now .she is not thinking in the right way if you 2 would have met on the street she would have loved you.let her know your not trying to take her out of ur ss life .you have to be on the same page she should not say anything about you or her ex around the child but that child will see through that one day .let her know you are there to stay and your not going anywhere sounds like she wants u gone . stand for what u believe love him with all your heart . let her know its about the kids not about all you guys he needs to be happy with all of u sounds to me she may be scared he may like you more than her . i hope this helped somewhat

Tasley - posted on 10/23/2012

If you didn't do anything to her, then I don't see why you two can't sit down and talk to each other.

I don't think you should push the friend issue because it could complicate things between you and your husband and she only acts that way towards you because she knows your scared of her. If she continues to act this way then don't even communicate with her just let your husband deal with his ex wife.

NANNETTE - posted on 10/23/2012

I agree Angela We also did counseling seperate and together and it worked at the end . I also believe the adults have to be exactly that adults and we have to be there for the children cause we are there example

Angela - posted on 10/22/2012

I am the ex-wife and I think it is good that you are trying to get along. In some cases that works just fine. My daughters father and his wife and I get along. I even babysit their other children. However my ex-husbands new wife is very jealous and will put my son throug hell to get to me. I think it is great that you are trying and honestly my son has the anger issues his father and I have him in couceling. There is no shame in that. Maybe you could suggest all you parents go to coparenting counceling??

DeAnna - posted on 10/16/2012

I hate to tell ya this, but...put your big girl draws on, cuz she's never gonna like you. If she acts like that to and in front of her son, she will never be 'your friend'. It sounds like she's got the same issues as your step-son. I'm both the ex and new wife. I've always been a friendly person so being 'friendly' to these women was something that came naturally to me. However, they aren't always easy to be friends with. I was resentful of my kids' new step mom...but I never let her know it. I would never allow my kids to be disrespectful to her (but they were anyway and still are til this very day). However, from the other end of the spectrum...my step sons' mom has never repremanded them for the way they use to talk to me. She actually got mad at me for calling her to tell them to stop fighting in my house. (yes, she was mad at me, not them). but that was a cpl yrs ago, the boys are 18 and freshman in college now. we don't see them often enough to have conflict. which brings me to my suggestion for you; Be patient. they'll be grown before you know it and all this will be just a faint memory. Good Luck!!

Nannette - posted on 10/16/2012

I have never been in your shoes but my husband has and he married into a ready made family. I had two children when we met. It was very hard for my ex-husband and him. My ex-husband put every obstacle including using the boys against my husband. I can say that we fid the counseling and sometimes it felt like it was never going to get better. I can tell you that eventually it got better because my husband never gave up and today we do holidays together and even have dinners together with the boys in our home. I think u just have to hang in there and be there for your step-son every step of the way. Good luck

Nannette - posted on 10/15/2012

I have never delt with being a step mother but my husband had to deal with my ex-husband so friom watching them i can tell you it was very hard for both of them at 1st. I think it took a good couple if years. Now today i am happy to say that my kids are adults and my husband and ex-husband are involved in everything together whenever it involves our children. We are all ine big happy family

Bri - posted on 04/24/2011

It can be hard or it can be real nasty! Depending how controlling person is toward one another. First impressions mean alot and BM didn't have a great first impression she causes way to much over something little. shes simply jealous that i have to raise her child. wish it could be better.

Christina - posted on 04/24/2011

I agree with you Kenyon. When parents split and get with new partners, the new partners really have no clue what has been going on. The BM could have a lot of hate and anger due to the crap that the dad is doing right up until he meets the new SM, then it goes away for show purposes.
I do my best to get along with my son's bio mom. She does not want to play nice. She will call us and flip out if HER son goes home and calls my children his brothers and sisters. She wants to make sure that HER son understand that MY kids are not his real siblings. My husband responded to that one, "I'll make sure he knows that when you tell him that his little brother isn't his real brother. It's his half brother because mommy cheated on daddy when we were married." That really shut her up. She was nice to me until she found out we were engaged, and now she is mad as hell because she found out we are married and we didn't tell her before we got married.
I have 4 biological children and I love my son's stepmom with all my heart. (My younger three have a different dad.) We get along and I really wish I could do that with my step-son's BM, but I can't. I just remind her I have nothing to do with their problems. My job is to love that little boy as much as I love my children and help him have a fantastic life.

Kenyon - posted on 04/06/2011

I can't remember who said it below, but I so agree with the comment - "Don't paint us all with the same brush." I can't tell you how MANY times I've seen BMs referred to as psycho, bi-polar, crazy, mental, etc. Just because a SM and the kids' father don't get along with the BM does NOT give them the right to :diagnose" her. My ex and his wife (who also happened to be one of his divorce attorneys) tried to have custody changed because they decided I had "borderline personality disorder." The courts basically slapped their hands for making such a statement and threw their "diagnosis" out with the bathwater. I remember the judge commenting, while shaking his head, on how many ex-husbands tried to claim their ex-wives were insane.

Ellen - posted on 12/22/2010

When dealing with your husbands ex-wife I recommend the following.

1. Understand that her rights and role as a mother trump your rights and role as a stepmother.

2. Be supportive of the decisions that she makes along with your husband for their child. If you cannot be supportive because you don't agree, then stay out of it. You don't have to agree, but you have no right to interfere.

3. Do not get in the middle of any disputes between her and your husband over their child.

4. Be pleasant.

If you still have problems with her while practicing all these things, it is her fault and there is nothing more you can do. I am a stepmom and also an exwife, so my experience comes from both sides.

Lydia - posted on 12/21/2010

Good luck dear! I tried for six year....it got me NO WHERE! We went to court a year ago and all my selfless deeds where appreciated by blaming me for EVERYTHING wrong with the way they communicate and what relationships (parenting wise) they have. Thanks.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/12/2010

Thankfully me and my ex talk in regards to our son, and other things too. We're probably closer than most ex's go.
I'm kinda weird though a person doesn't get to call me names an unfit mother and a bipolar bitch and than turn around and want to be my friend. Don't paint all biomoms with the same brush.

Amy - posted on 06/12/2010

I have found that if the ex-wife doesn't want to get along well it is her loss. They don't realize that it makes for resentful and hateful children. My husband's children are all teenagers. He is very poor health with his heart so if he gets sick or goes in the hospital I just text them. They are old enough. Of course she calls and attempts to curse me out, tell me not to contact her children that I should contact her and she would tell them what is going on with their dad. My response, "They are considered adults now and I will not go through you because you want to know about your ex-husband."

Alexandra - posted on 06/07/2010

well my husbands ex is a bit of a psycho, and her take is that she doesn't have to talk to me so she wont. Unfortunately she can't stop me from contacting her! I texted her a couple weeks ago to see if SS's baseball game was cancelled or not and she freaked. So, I try not to push it but if I have a valid reaon for contacting her I do. Partly because if it should be reasonable, it makes her look bad when shes not, and partly because I know she hates it. Passive aggressive? You bet, but it's all I can do and hope that maybe one day she just answers some dumb simple stupid questiona dn gets over herself.

Treasure - posted on 05/11/2010

I think with the stepson being early teen years, try the friend approach first. He may end up having a lot of respect for you. Don't talk about his mom. Don't let your husband talk about her either. (This one we do with our blended family, and it helps with attitudes a lot) Ask him what he wants to do, and within reason, go do it with him. Make life special for him when he is with you.

As for the mother - I can not tell you anything that I have tried has worked. I envy the women who have replied and get along with the ex-wife of her husband. All you can do is try. Listen to those who have said don't wear yourself out by trying. Small steps. Don't use facebook or other social networking sites for communication. Texting is fine within reason. So are phonecalls if you can't say it in person (even if it is nice). I like using plain old mail. She reads it and throws it away.

Out of 4 1/2 years, about 9 months total were good so far. Right now, she is just plain angry because she will not give us her new address. She has 3 stepkids too, one with her new hubby, and another on the way (baby is 3? mo).

The ex I deal with gave the boys to cps in 2005 so she could be w/ her bf and party. Got prego in an attempt to save marriage, and gave birth in 2006. My man thought the baby was the bf's. Until the bf sued for paternity in 2007. We have custody of her too now.

One last thing, just be yourself and do what you think/know is best. Good luck in this new endeavor!

Kristen - posted on 05/11/2010

My husband has custody of his 3 kids and their mom lives out of state. Before the custody change, we all lived int he same city and me and their mom were on and off. She was nice when she wanted money or a babysitter, but as soon as we tried to get them in sports or check on their schooling, she'd flip. I played nice for a long time and left the difficult situations up to dad and mom. Turns out she only wanted to deal with me because she thought I'd be a push-over. After 7 years, I have learned my lesson. My husband and I discuss what we want for them, I write it down, and he tells her. I still get my opinion in, but without stirring up the pot.

Hope your situation works a little better, but I find it best to stay out of it. It will really depend on how she feels...jealous, bitter, etc...you won;t get anywhere and shouldn't waste your effort.

Melissa - posted on 05/06/2010

Hi Karen, i rally do know exactly how you feel. my husband has 4 children to his ex wife and we have been together almost 3 years now.. married for almost 3 months. It is a very long and hard process to go thru with you and the kids and even some situations with the hubby as to how to dicipline his kids. I have worked very hard to get all of our 5 children on the same page. I do have a problem with hubbys youngest 2 girls and the way they speak to me... like im nothing as im not alowed to touch them otherwise their mum will have me for breakfast etc. Im not scared of her and at the end of the day, its my house, my rules and as they live with us full time and spend weekends at their mums its very hard to keep the dicipline going when they get back. The only thing i can advise is to keep at it... stay strong, and keep reminding that its your house, your rules and that you deserve the same respect as any other adult. Councelling would be a good start, and as i get along with my husbands ex wife, its not that i want to but more that i have to as i cant stand her and the way she treats the kids. weve had our run ins, believe me, she even tried to attack me while i was pregnant and tried to stop the wedding the day before. The way the other parent speaks about you and the father is disrespectflul and downright rude, if you try and understand that its a tough time for a teenager at this age and that it will all smooth out in around 12-18 months. Its a hormone thing also so there will be some clashing, ive just gone thru it with my teenage daughter and my husband, but things are looking up and she knows that we expect respect and if she gives us that she will get it in return. the only way to get thru it is to keep stressing your rules and if the mother is brought up like a he said she said way well let it slide, after all thats just her opinion and in your house, that doesnt count. Hope things get better soon... hang on in there

melissa

Pam - posted on 05/06/2010

Karen,

What a sad situation.

I am going to give different point of view here and maybe somethings to think about.

I have never been a stepmom, but I have been a stepchild sonce I was 2. I am 45 now and my mom and stepmom STILL hate each other and still verbally abuse each other whenever they see each other! Ridiculous! Better yet my dad passed away 9 years ago. Go figure.

Anyway, I want to talk about the child.

Both my mom and my stepmom were "mental". Each of them would tell me things to do or say to the other one and being a child, needing attention, and fearing the unknown, I did what they asked. One time in particular I remember, when my stepmom was pregnant, I was 7. My mom asked me on the day I was to go to my dad's if I would like to play a funny "joke" on Joyce, my stepmom. I said sure and she told me because Joyce's belly was so big, if I got a big stick and hit her belly, it would bounce back and feel funny, like in the cartoons.

Well, guess what! I did it and.......it was not funny. She was 8 months pregnant and wound up having to go to the hospital cause I had hauled off and hit her as hard as I could. (That's what they did on the cartoons!) And then, my dad almost beat me to death all the while I was screaming, "Mommie told me to do it!!!!!"

Now what do you think that did to my mind? Long story....

Anyway, the next big issue was my stepmom chasing mom around the parking lot of Hardee's with a broken coke bottle and me screaming, "Please don't hurt my mommie!!!" Then I watched as they were both hauled off to jail.

Another series of traumatic events.

Point is, the boy is being fed crap and made to swallow it! He has lost his home as he knew it and wants to maintain some sort of "safe zone".

So, basically, he is going to do what the custodial parent, the one he spends more time with, tells him to do. Or he will simply copy her behavior to make her "Proud" of him.



Food for thought,



Pam

Barby - posted on 05/05/2010

i have been with mu guy for 7 years, they were divorced 3 years before i even met him....she still acts like i stole her man, she's jelous and negative. i thought (like you) that we could get along for the sake of the kids (there are 5 all together)
well she was/is more intersted in what i do and what i say in my house and what happens between my man and myself. this comes before the children. but she calims that her "concern" is for the sake of her kids. when i 1st talked to her she asked if i was sleeping with him...she had a man living with her at teh time!!i tried, i even ook her crao for a few weeks thinking she'll get "it" out of her system...well, she did nothing but make assumptions about me and the way i raise MY son. she wanted to know what was up with me and my man, and if we ever fought, what it was about. she waaay overstepped her boundaries. she had her kids stand on the other side of my bedroom door when their dad and i were talking and go back to their mom to report the private conversation. i was shocked, i felt like i was always being watched, and no, it certainly wasnt for the "good of the children"
i finally told her not to talk to me, i dont need that kind of invasion of my/our privacy. i told her to stop emailing me, don't call, don't smoke signal me. if im walking past you and i happen to be on fire, don't stop to let me know.
i also told her 12 and 10 year old kids that if it continued on their part id move out (this was the jist of a conversation i had with them both, though i didnt blame them for being tasught that behavior by their mother, they were old enough to understand the negative impact and it's effect on me and our family) to th ekids' credit, their contributions have ended.

Michelle - posted on 05/04/2010

This is a really hard situation and I have been there with my ex and his [now] ex gf . Luckily , his new wife is a blessing beyond measure !
In all honesty I wouldn't try to be her friend right now . Bad feelings are probably eating her up inside and I would say that by you trying to bring this stuff up she is taken it badly . I would keep communication open with your hubby , and have him to bring things up to her .
She may feel you are being intrusive , even though you have the childs best interest at heart . And she may feel like you are being critical to her and take it personally .
It takes time to heal from a broken up marriage and some people are just never mature enough to do so .

Christe - posted on 05/03/2010

Take it from someone that does not get to see her kids due to the step mother of my own kids, plus also being a step mother to my spouses kids, Do not even try to talk to the step mom, but if she wants to talk to you be nice and curtious even if it kills you. The worst thing a step mother can do is try to take over being the mom. I know because my ex pretty much let's his wife walk all over him and our kids. It has been since 2008 that I have seen my angels. imyself am a stepmom and his kids are filled with so much hate due to their parents divorce I may never have a chance. Just be there for your stepson. But remember he has a mom. I had to get a lawyer to make my kids step mother comprehend that. Expensive price of comprehension. Do not play the alienation game or the kid and possibly your husband could turn on you. Just some suggestions. Not bashing.Take care and remember Kids Come 1st.

Opal - posted on 05/03/2010

It is not easy being a stepmom. Between my husband and I we have five children. His ex-wife puts the children in the middle. She will not communicate to us on when she wants them for a weekend (that is if she decides it is convient for her). Because of this his 19 year old moved out and his two daughters (14 and 15) take it out on me. I do try to talk to her but she refuses to do so. My advice is tell your husband that he should take care of the issues with his children and their mother. I now have the two girls in counceling and redial services and it is helping wonders. Hope things work out for you also.

Marilyn - posted on 04/30/2010

Hi,
I don't know if I have any good advice for you or not, but I have been a step mom for 9 1/2 years now to 3 children - now ages 15, 14, and 12 and I have 2 of my own who I had with my current husband. My 14 year old step son has a temper as well and I don't even talk to the ex-wife unless I have to and it is brief and to the point when we do.
I too did not know what to expect and probably did not handle it properly. I think you are on the right track in offering to get to know her, but if she is not willing to meet you half way for the sake of the children, then she is not a good parent and you are. I think in this case your husband should step up to the plate and handle her - as that is his responsibility and not yours.
In regards to your step child's behaviour your husband should express his concerns to his ex-wife and let her know that is she is not on board with getting him the help he needs then he will do it without her. Although some psychologists need both parents permission to treat a child he should look into his options just the same if it is that bad at home with him.
I would suggest that you give him as much positive attention and talk to him as much as possible about things that he loves doing and it may take attention away from what his stresses are and possibly reduce that stress.
My step daughter used to give me grief just for the fun of it, so I would plan fun things to do and she was so happy to be doing fun things she forgot all about me and the reasons she wanted to be mean to me - does that make sense.
Hope that helps and good luck to you - it has been an up hill battle for me for years.

Danielle - posted on 04/29/2010

I have been with my husband for almost ten years now so my step-children were young(6&9) when I first met them. I thought at first things could be ok between their mother and myself as long as we kept communications open between us. Quickly did I learn how completely wrong I was....at first we could have decent conversations about the children and all was good, slowly I started hearing her comments come through my step-daughter. Eventually as the children got older and the teenage girl took over my step-daughter things got a million times worse because of course no one is responsible for the actions of this child except me(who honestly is the least responsible because I have been around the least out of all 4 of us parents). It has gotten so bad that this "mother" uses her daughter's negativity to her advantage and just because she happened to get grounded in our home the mother took it to court and some how I will never know now has our visitation down to only 8 hours out of the whole month. This wasn't even the last straw, I still felt things could be worked out and the two of us could be at the least civil for the well being of this very emotional depressed teen. I have since learned this is a lost cause when the mother's current husband showed up at a football game of the son my husband and I share(which mind you they had no children in) and proceeded to scream at and threaten my husband to the point we had to call the police just so we could try to enjoy this 8 year old's game.
I would say best of luck to you, but don't make the same mistakes I did and kill yourself trying to get along with her. If it is meant to be it will happen, but if not let it go, and don't let your children suffer for her inability to get along.

Diane - posted on 04/28/2010

My stepdaughter's mom is mental too! There's always some type of drama going on. It's a challenge to say the least. I hope it can work out for you!

Meghan - posted on 04/28/2010

I don't know that there is too much you can do as far as making any ground with her. Try to get your husband to talk to her about it. Odds are you won't be "friends" with her but you guys may learn to work together at some point. My fiance's ex is the same way to an extent. She calls and texts him and accuses him of spending all of his money on my kids from a previous marriage, instead of his kids with her, which is really just ridiculous. Anything that my kids have gotten they've gotten from me or their paternal grandparents. The only things Jason gives them are his attention and love. I've come to realize that she will always attack my kids b/c of how she acts. She doesn't want Jason, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either.

Erica - posted on 04/22/2010

I get along w/ my stepkids' mom, but it's rare. Hope it all works out for you. It is better when you get along.

Chrissy - posted on 04/20/2010

Ive had a similar situation with my partners ex. We have four kids altogether, my first with a previous relationship, one we have together, and the other two are his kids with her (his ex). In the beginning she wouldnt talk to me at all, because she felt like any issues concerning the kids were none of my business, being as i wasnt their mother. She used to try to control my partner by using the kids to get her way before i came along. My partner who ive been with for nearly four years, let her know that i was part of their life too, and would continue to be wether she liked it or not. Gradually she got used to me being around as she knew the kids liked me and wanted me around, and i also had a positive influence on them as they used to have very bad attitudes and behaviours to begin with, which i helped my partner change in them. She realised this, and although has never actually admitted this to me, she has made positive comments to my partner and the kids about me. I wouldnt say we are friends now (us, her and her husband) but we get along enough to talk about the kids when we need to, and (as we live in the same town) even wave or say hi in the main street or supermarket if we see one another. Her attitude has changed alot though, since my partner and I first got together, and quite often has contacted me by call or sms instead of him to discuss or make arrangements for the kids. In situations like this, it just takes time and patience I think. And biting your tongue as much as possible whenever she gets on your last nerve!! But if you have something you feel is important to say, and want to let her know yourself, dont be afraid of her, even if she seems intimidating. Firstly, your thoughts and feelings are just as important as hers, and dont forget she may be just as intimidated by you as you are of her!! Just make sure you try to keep things civil and as pleasant as possible, and she will probably eventually adjust. Great job though, keep it up, you're a credit to all us other step-mums!!

April - posted on 04/20/2010

No matter how much you want to get along if she is not willing there is nothing you can do.I get along great with my soon to be ex husbands new girlfriend. One of the mothers of 2 of his other kids is a different story. She has not had a relationship with him in nine years ,but still tells thier boys stuff like daddy doesn't love you because if he did he wouldn't have left "us".We don't get to see them that often , but I try to talk to them.It's hard to hear them say stuff like if they talk about thier dad or say they love him it makes thier mom sad, and then mad. She takes it all out on them when he's not around. Some women can't get over thier kids father moving on ,and can be hateful. I am glad I am not one of them. I love all our kids.He has had 2 girls since we split ,and I love having them around.He has 5 boys ,and 3 girls. We have 1 son together ,and I have a 15 yr old I adopted about a year and a half ago.I have yet to meet a blended family like ours. Good luck!!

Ashley - posted on 04/18/2010

I really hope you get a good outcome! My stepdaughter's mother is bipolar, so we never know what reaction we're going to get! She's put in the middle also, so we never know how she's going to react! We do everything we can to help her, but it never works. It's hard not to give up, but love will trump everything in the end, I'm positive of it! Good luck!