My son and my husband's relationship! HELP!

Jeana - posted on 11/07/2008

I love what Wendy said!

My oldest is 15 and he & my husband have gone the rounds in the past. Finally, I had to just step out of it and tell them to get it together b/c I was NOT going to be in the middle. We did have my son go stay w/ his dad temporarily, for a cooling off period, but he is back, with a greatly increased sense of gratitude for how easy he has it here. LOL

Wendy - posted on 11/06/2008

I feel you pain also! But it really isn't so different even if it is a bio parent. My son and my husband (not his dad, we married a year ago) like to get on each other, too. Boys seem to need to assert themselves in their teen years, kind of an Alpha male thing maybe? Caught in the middle is an awful place to be, so get yourself out of the middle. See a counselor on your own for advice and support, then grab them by the ear and drag them along, one at a time first, then together. Please please please don't let them destroy your relationship with either of them, they are probably unconsciously vying for your attention, and you need help sorting through their crap. Good luck honey, raising kids and husbands is hard work! :)

Tracy - posted on 11/06/2008

I feel your pain. My daughter is 15 and my husband is not her bio-father. They do not get along at all! I am stuck in the middle... trying to keep him from getting upset with her for little things... trying to keep her from being disrespectful to him... it is a very hard situiation. I have told him to try to let me parent and stay out of it, but he can't, especially when she starts mouthing me.

We discovered when I am not around, they get along just fine. So we are trying to plan some time for them to do things together.

I would also say,that you and your husaband need to get on the same page somehow. You need to support your husband's decisions in front of your son. That has helped us. My daughter sees now that I am not going to bail her out, she is going to be held accountable for her actions.

I will keep your situation in prayer......

Jennifer - posted on 11/05/2008

If no one else but you is willing to go to therapy, YOU at least should go. Also, your son is only 14. I had to insist my daughter and my husband had to "make" his own daughter go to therapy. They are minors and we must make them do what we know is best for them. Now that they are going, things have certainly settled down quite a bit. They feel like someone who is impartial is "finally" listening to them. It doesn't mean that person necessarily agrees with them, but they are listening to them instead of preaching or yelling. You can't force your husband to go, but if he sees you are going and it is helping you, it may just be enough of an encouragement for him to go as well. Make sure to have individual as well as joint sessions. You need a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings too. I can imagine at this point you are like a pressure cooker that is ready to blow. I thought a lot about you yesterday and said a prayer for you and your family. Your husband just has to realize that since mistakes were made along the way and professional help was not sought out early, the relationship between him and your son may never be ideal, but maybe it can at least be respectable. You do need to make sure, above all, that you listen to your son and acknowledge his feelings without necessarily agreeing with him, but let him know that he is REQUIRED to be respectful in your home. I don't know what your stance is on religion and I certainly don't mean to come across as preachy myself, but the Bible does command children to be respectful to their elders. It also requires fathers to not exasperate their children. There are things to be learned from everyone's perspective in your family. Prayers to you. :)

Michele - posted on 11/04/2008

Could their issues really revolve around your son upset that this is not his real father. Your husband reacting from the anger from the child not realizing that the boy is only acting this way because he is hurting inside because he is not his real father. Try addressing this issue in some different ways and see if this is not a key that unlocks the issue.



I had similar problems in my family. When we realized where things were coming from, it made a difference in both the way I handled it and in the way the child reacted when they realized how their feelings were manifesting themselves. PS. this realization did not happen overnight. Be patient.

Jennifer - posted on 11/04/2008

If you are trying to "fix" it by yourself, stop doing that. Go and seek professional family therapy for at least the three of you. It is too hard, especially for you, to look at the entire situation objectively and it will drive you crazy to stay on the roller coaster ride. It may take a while, but a good therapist (I would recommend a Christian therapist) should be able to help you. If you can't find a good match with the therapist you choose, keeping checking them out until you do. Your situation will probably not get better at this point without professional help and a lot of prayer.

Paulette - posted on 11/02/2008

find something they like doing together just the two of them to build a relationship

Tresa - posted on 11/01/2008

I had the same issue and it ended up destroying my marriage. My biggest advice to you is make them work it out without you. Your husband has an issue with your son make him talk to him instead of going through you and the same with your son. Your son is feeling as if you defend your husband and your husband is feeling like you defend your son. Remove yourself from the situation before it destroys you and worse the family. I know its hard to step back because all they do is fight and be uncivial with each other but once they figure out you aren't going to take sides it will correct itself. I wish you all the best.