My step-daughter and the horrible way she treats me

Gina - posted on 02/10/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have a 10 year step-daughter who i treat as my own
She lives with us and has been for 16 months now
her mother is no where to be found
and when she does pop up she arranges visits but never shows for them

my step-daughter treats me like i am the bad guy and she calls me horrible names
she also treats me like i dont exist and when i try talking to her she just screams and yells at me a lot she even throws things at me

i am lost as what to do as councillors cant help her cause she wont talk to them and a doctor has told us that she is mentally only 7

any advice would be appreciated

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Christie - posted on 04/20/2012

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I am having a similar experience. I have a 13 year old step daughter that I have known since she was about 5 or 6. Up until about a year ago we were best friends. She loved going to see my mom and dad and even called them grandma and grandpa. Six months ago her attitude completely changed. And I know that she is changing but I think its more than that.

Around Christmas she decided she didn't want to come and open her Christmas presents until 3 weeks after Christmas. After she opened her gifts she went upstairs and shut herself in her room until it was time for her to go home to her mother's. We spend months trying to buy everything she wanted for Christmas. She didn't even seem to appreciate what gifts we got her.

About 3 weeks later, after not coming up for her scheduled visitation, she sent her father a email saying that she was completly done with us and that she wouldn't be coming to see us anymore. In another email she told my husband that she hated me and my parents and never liked me from the beginning and it was all my fault that she's not coming to our house anymore.

I don't konw what to do at this point. It hurts so bad that the little girl I was best friends with a few years ago has decided that she doesn't love me. Everyone tells me this is a phase and she will get over it, but it just seems to get worse and her father is devestated.

If anyone could provide any advice it would be wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Maureen - posted on 07/22/2011

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First, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Secondly, although I agree that this isn't about you really and that she wants her mom to do what you do, you do NOT have to accept the behavior and when you do, you are actually not helping her in any way. Let her know she can think what she wants, write nasty thing, feel however, but that she needs to treat everyone she encounters with the respect she expects from others. If you accept bad behavior, you are kind of letting her down as a "parent" and she needs you a lot. An aside, she is probably developmentally about the age she was when her mom left her? Forget the counselor and the talking stuff. It really comes down to what is acceptable behavior.

Amber - posted on 03/01/2010

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Hey.

I know how she feels, my mum chose her boyfriends over me and I didn't see her.

I really respected my step mum at times but when I felt like she was being unfair I would suddenly decide that she didn't have the right to tell me what to do.



Keep your cool with her, it is not easy and it does hurt. With any luck her father is not like mine, and won't hurt her, but now I look back the blame will always be put on the step mum or dad, even though the child knows it's not there fault that there mum and dad are not together and its not your fault for the way her mother behaves it will always seem like you are the one stopping them all being a family.



Even if when both her parents were together it wasn't a happy home, that is all a child dreams about is a happy family with your mum and dad.



Tell her you will not accept her behaviour when she screams or throw things at you, take her favourite toy or privilege away untill she can treat you with respect if she still continues the next week take something else away until she realises you are not a door mat.



I hope this has helped a little, good luck

Leanne - posted on 03/01/2010

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That little girl needs someone she can count on to be there. You are being treated like the bad guy because you are the one there. I know it is horrible to be feeling like this but make sure you tell her that you love her, give her some extra hugs and in time you'll see a change in her. Old age saying " We hurt the ones we Love the most." She must be very comfortable with you if she is able to scream and yell at you, because you wouldn't do that if you weren't. Your step daughter needs to know that she and her feelings are respected in your home and you will start seeing some respect from her. It is really sad that the step parents get all tis abuse, but I know that in the long run of life, these kids will know who loves them and who helped them along their path. Good Luck, keep your chin up, and know that she needs you.

Lisa - posted on 02/28/2010

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I totally agree with everyone. All you can do is love her. She will see it someday. Your husband has to step in and discipline and back you up so that you can discipline too. My step daughter would have never respected me had my husband not stood up for me and told her that in our home it was not just his rules she had to follow, but OURS. She learned quickly that if she wasn't respectful she lost things that she liked to do, or went to time out. Time out can even work for older kids. Once they can write it is an excellent punishment to make them sit in time out and write and apology. Be strong, give her all the love she is needing even if she doesn't seem to want it. It may sound funny, but kids like stability too, so giving her rules and consequences may help her settle down a bit. Good Luck!!

Mindy - posted on 02/27/2010

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i agree with everyone else. she is acting that way towards u bc her real mom is not in the picture. love her when shes bad and love her more when shes at her worst. someday she will come around and. But the disrespect from any child toward any adult would not be tolerated in our home. THe kicking and screaming needs to go , preferable by your husband .

Tamara - posted on 02/25/2010

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I suggest YOU go for counseling. If she refuses to be treated, then you need to get treated on how to cope with her and maybe some advice on how to handle her. This is a "kid-glove" situation. SHe is treating you so horribly because she feels #1 that its YOUR fault somehow her REAL mother isn't around or #2 because she feels it's her fault somehow. And if she can get rid of you then she can make things right for her mother. It's a tough situation. But you need to "weapon up". and you can't do that if you don't get some help or back up of your own!

Felicia - posted on 02/24/2010

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Where is your husband in all this? He needs to step in and let her know in no uncertain terms that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

Isabel - posted on 02/24/2010

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Way to go for your husband! Just read about the "two weeks" have a great day..

Naomi - posted on 02/15/2010

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Patience pays off... My husband was the outsider when it came to my three oldest who were ages 3 to 9. They treated him very bad, as an outsider who didn't deserve to be there. Now, 10 years later they treat him like a part of the family, they don't call him dad but they have more respect for him. He didn't try to buy their love and didn't push them either, he just waited. It didn't take 10 years but it was rather gradual.

Rica - posted on 02/14/2010

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Every 10 year old that I know is said to be mentally 7 when they are showing out. Well in this case you must be tough on her. She should not and will not be disrespectful to you in your home. So you must set up rules that she has to stick to. I know that she may be daddy's little girl but he needs to get behind you 100%. When she starts to act out you should take her things away. The worst she the more she loose. I know that this may be hard for you but she needs to talk to someone without the family around. Although she is 10 she is very smart for her age. I say this because she is getting to you. Also the next time her mom calls tell her that she is not able to talk to her until she can prove to live up to her word. You and your husband have to step in and speak on behalf of this child. I hope this helps and if you need to talk feel free to contact me.

Rebecca - posted on 02/13/2010

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It is so sad what happens to children. I have a 14yo daughter who's father does not see her (her whole life in and out). It kills these children. They do not understand now but they will. I agree with everyone! Love her and she will get it someday. Read the book "Have a New Kid by Friday". Powerful and totally works! Rebecca

ROSEMARY - posted on 02/12/2010

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I cana tell you there are happy endings. My husband and I have been married for 23 years. He had a child from a 1st wife and one from a second wife... I know... you must think I'm nust for marrying someone with this track record. That's another conversation! I had also been married before and had two children. So... talk about your blended family!
Anyway, his oldest daughter has always lived with him and she had a very hard time for the first several years. I agree with everyone, they're just angry because of the cards they've been delt. Her (lol) "real mother" never called or asked to see her. Our oldest daughter always blamed us for her "mothers" actions. She didn't say it out loud, but it was just easier to believe we were the bad guys than it was to believe her "mother" wanted nothing to do with her. I just tried to "love her through it". My husband handeled the discipline and I think that was wisdom. We had very strong boundries and she was not allowed to cross the line. When she did he would step in quickly and discipline. If something happened when he was not there I would very calmly say, that is unacceptable and give her the consequences. We majored on the majors and minored on the minors. Respect was a major. Non of our children were allowed to speak to us disrespectfully and if one did it was addressed firmly.
The good news is... I have adopted my daughter (now 36) and she and I are very close. She will say, I don't know how you did it. I was a horrible child! I just laugh and say, that's ok you have children now, I'm sure you'll get a taste of it!
Good luch and just never stop loving her (one mother already has!).

Amanda - posted on 02/12/2010

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I agree with Isabel, ignore all bad behavior from her. When she is doing more than pouting or stomping say to her "Im going to talk to your father about this and we are going to think of something to do about your behavior. Because you can't talk/act to someone like this." Don't argue. She's very angry, not with you, but with her own mother. You are just getting the consequences. Your husband and you need to be 150% united. Any punishment needs to come from both of you. Once I grounded my stepson for a week and he went to his father and called me a bitch. My husband said "How long did she ground you?" He said "A week" My husband said "Wow, thats not fair. Tell you what, Im going to ground you for 2 weeks and your never going to call her a name again." NEVER disagree with each other in front of her. Even if he says to her "Your grounded for the rest of your life!" back him up. Later you both can talk to her and change it. Be consistant. Good luck!

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It sounds like she is mad and hurts a lot from not having her mom around. Keep being strong and let her know that she doesn't treat you that way; but still love her. Let her know you love her every day. She will come around. Maybe some counseling would do her some good. Good luck.

Isabel - posted on 02/11/2010

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Honey be strong!! I have been there...You need to NOT PAY ATTENTION TO HER WHEN SHE IS HAVING A FIT.. she has been left by her Mom and you are what she wishes with all her heart her Mom could be...love her..when she treats you with disrespect ..look at her and say..you will not treat me that way..I love you..but NO ONE treats me that way...I would tell you to talk to Daddy..but my guess is Dad feels bad for her because down deep inside he knows that his ex is the reason...he will find reasons to let it go..go about your day..be happy..she will come around..and when she does..you will be the grateful one...I have been through this ..now they are grown women and love me like no other..but I had to deal with the same thing...you have a rough road ahead..remember she is a child..your the adult..if you demand respect with love..it matters..I'm here for you! Have a PEACEFUL DAY..

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