My step son

Kricket - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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To say the least my step son and I have issue. He is very sweet and doesn't have a behavior issues to anyone but me. It has caused a few fights between my husband and I. I love my step son but he is allowed to get away with little things that after a while it drives me crazy and I become very hurt and the bad guy. Example of things he's allowed to get away with his lunch bag gets forgotten at school all the time and when I tell him write a reminder note or you will have to carry the lunch without a bag (he's 12) my husbands says things like will when you pick him up check to make sure he has the bag make him open his back pack and show you. I would never check my bio kids bags to see if they are being honest if they didn't bring it home and they told me they did they would get in grounded for not telling the truth.
My husband and I let this kind of thing become hurt feels between us because this is child and if say your kid is being treated like a prince and the rest of the kids get the shaft he gets hurt and then everyone has to deal with the out come of the adults now at odds over this stupid lunch bag (yes this happen last night) he's hurt because I say thing out of anger and I'm hurt because I feel he's not hearing my point. So what should I do? Just not say anything? I'm I being silly?

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Amber - posted on 09/20/2010

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i agree. just find away around the arguing. post the rules for everyone. have the same punishments. if he forgets his luchbag, then stick to your guns and follow threw w/ the punishment you said. you don't always have to voice an oppinion for it to be heard. when a rule is broken by anyone do not let it slide, follow through immidiatly. be consistant and do not back down until everyonr is on board. stop having these stupid arguments...do not talk about it lead with your actions. just be fair to everyone.

Mere - posted on 09/23/2010

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Kia Ora (hi) from New Zealand.

I can hear what you are saying. Like you, i have step kids as well. we dont get on well either. I have a daughter to there dad and i love them both very much.

Now, sounds like your step son is doing these things to get at you in a hurtful way. He can see that its affecting you and he is just loving it. A 12 year old shouldnt be leaving his lunch box at school all the time. If you look at the situation from outside the circle and look at the situation as a whole and the people that it involves then you will see where i am coming from. I think your stepson is playing mind games with you. He is playing with you in a crazy way. What i do in this situation is to just ignore them. If he leaves his lunch box at school then dont worry about it, he can bring it home the next day or the day after that. Don't let it get to you. Don't let it bring you down. The best thing to do is to ride the game out with them and when they finish doing what there doing then put a full stop at the end of it all and turn your back on it. Kids like there parents to react to certain things that they do. They like attention from there parents and friends. They like to be the center of attention in a family.

Step kids can be good relationship/marriage breakers too. Dont let your step son get between you and husband. Turn you back on stepson and try not to react or go overboard with little things like a lunchbox. Keep your head up and dont let you stepson take the better of you.

Ps. Remember its only a mind game. Good luck

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Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2010

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He is definitely old enough to deal with the consequences of his own actions...no lunch bag he can brown bag it and pack it himself or dad can deal with it. I wouldn't argue the point. I would calmly tell my husband and son what I am willing to do and if they need to do something different then they can choose to take care of it themselves. I would sit them down and say
"I'd like to discuss something with you. Please don't make any comments until I have expressed this. I am no longer willing to pack lunches unless the lunch bag is present at home. You or your dad are more than welcome to pack this lunch if you forget the bag. I am not willing to ask you if you have the bag or remind you. I am more than willing to pack your lunch on the condition you are responsible for it everyday." I would not allow argument or discussions and I would not get worked up if they want to be upset about it. Just calmly state what you are willing to work with and stick to it.

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You said it yourself. It's a little thing....a stupid lunch bag. Not all things work with all kids. Maybe what he needs is a little reminder before he leaves school, when you pick him up. My step kids forget EVERYTHING.........all the time. For the last four years, I've been so stressed out.....over forgotten lunch bags and jackets! So I decided not to get upset and just remind them. Takes less energy. I don't remind them all the time now, and they rarely forget these things anymore(although they suddenly start forgetting when I tell them to clean their room, but that's another battle...).

Ellen - posted on 10/01/2010

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From my own experience and what I've heard this kind of thing is common in blended families. I don't think you are being silly, but I do think that your feeling of not being listened to is causing you to exaggerate the boy's crime. It's forgetfulness and not lying. If dad wants to check his backpack when he picks him up, then let dad do that. But you don't have to. You have the right to your own rules and procedure, and BTW I personally do the same thing. If you forget your lunch bag, you go to school with a grocery bag and that's that.

Just draw a boundary on what you will and will not do, and then emotionally detach from this, because it is a minor issue and you can have differences about these little things without it causing family strife.

Mere - posted on 09/27/2010

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Well, good luck to you Kricket Zaro. Remember that step kids are GOOD relationship/marriage breakers. He'l find a way to set you off again. GOODLUCK and HAPPY FAMILIES

Kricket - posted on 09/26/2010

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Update**** My husband told my step son "knock it off" hubby is backing me up thank you for all your help

Josephine - posted on 09/21/2010

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I don't think you're out of line requesting the same from him as you would your own children. I seem to face the same issue with my husbands oldest, because he treats him like he's his favorite, and when I say something he gets offended or defensive. Another way of thinking about it is maybe that's your step sons way of saying he doesn't want to take a lunch or is embarrassed about it? But you and your husband do need to be on the same page and a united front. But your husband needs to support you and enforce things that you say. Good luck :)

Chesnie - posted on 09/20/2010

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hi Kricket (cute name by the way)..i dont have experience with this but if he doesnt think you should check his bag, then (and this may sound cruel but it might get the point across) just dont pack a lunch and say "you FORGOT" and he will have to start buying his lunch at school or do as you said you will do and hand him his lunch in little seperate plastic baggies everyday. It might embarras him enough where he will stop forgetting his lunch bag..just a thought but maybe it will show your husband and him you were serious..

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