Need help understanding...

Rebecca - posted on 09/22/2010

I just wanted to address one question you asked (since it sounds like you've already gotten quite a bit of encouragement and sound advice) -- How long will this last? As long as you let it. If you don't deal with the root of the problem, which is daughter's rebellion and husband's apathy, it will never go away. Ever.

Like you said, it's your house. You're the adult. Decide before daughter comes what is acceptable behaviour and what is not and what you'll do as discipline for wrong behaviour. You're not going to change her attitude overnight -- or maybe even in a week -- but I'll almost guarantee that she isn't like that with her teachers at school, so you know that she is capable of acceptable behaviour. At age 6, she knows that, too. You've let her act this way for 2 years now; it's going to take some time to change your habits.

It's better to explain to her (once) that you've made some mistakes over the past years in letting her behave in such an ugly and disrespectful way, that you're sorry, and that from now on you're going to work to help her learn to control herself.

Try to not take her anger and disrespect "personally". Yes, she's lashing out at you, but you're the grown-up and you need to not get angry back at her. Someone in her life needs to be adult and consistent. She will appreciate it when she's older. I hope that's helpful. You're in a tough spot, but it's not an impossible situation!

Shelby - posted on 09/21/2010

I have been there on the road you are traveling right now and I feel your frustration and understand your stress. My other half has a son and when we first got together Sean was 9 the oldest of our combined children. Sean also has ODD/ ADHD. I was seen from the start as the reason Sean's parents split up even though I came into the picture a year after the fact. When Sean would come to our home I felt as I was walking on Egg Shells, and Sean knew it, and he loved the power he had in making me feel this way. It is completely a control issue for this little girl-- She knows that her daddy is not going to punish her or make her do what you have requested so this is fun for her to continue to do.
first thing-- you need to sit down with your other half and lay it out-- your feelings-- what happens when he is not around or has his back turned and then black and white let him know it will stop or she is not going to be welcome in the house. I hated to make him choose between his son and our family but if the other kids continue to see the disrespect and the lack of follow through this will I promise you become a learned behavior of your son's and will overtake your house.
My other half did not think I was serious the first time Sean returned after our discussion so when I called a family meeting seconds after Sean walked in the door and said to everyone this is how it is going to work around here-- This is my home, I work hard to take care of it and you will respect it when your in it and the people in this house. If you choose not to follow the rules-- and be sure you have the rules posted in your house on the fridge- in her room- on the bathroom mirror where ever-- then you are making the choice to have one of these 3 things happen-- list the punishments-- Time out, early bed time, returned to her mother what ever the 2 of you decide. if your other half does not follow through and stand behind you- then you need to be strong and say-- I don't deserve this treatment, our son does not deserve this DRAMA every time she comes and I wont allow it and have a bag packed for the day and leave with your child-- go to the park, the mall, a friends house, where ever- get a cheep hotel room, but leave return at bed time or don't return until she is gone you deciede . Once your other half sees that you are serious and sees the forest for the trees. He will either follow through with his daughter and stand behind you or he will continue to let this happen and then you have to make the choice to continue living unhappily or make some changes in the best interest of your son and your self. You have a right to be happy in your own home- you have the power to chose what is allowed in your home and what is not. the world is full of rules like it or not she best start to learn them now or come time for school and teenage years watch out he best start saving for Bail money as that is where she will be headed with that attitude. Believe me-- We just got that call a few weeks ago-- Sean is now 16 and I do not allow him at my home at all. We even left him home when we went to Disney world because of his attitude and the words he used when talking to me. TOUGH LOVE is tough but in the long run the kids know what your boundaries are and what happens when it is crossed you will get more respect when they know it from the start. This is going to be hard to do but you can do it if for nothing else do it for your son so he does not learn these behavoirs and continue the treatment when she is gone.

Sherrie - posted on 09/13/2010

First off let me say kudos to you for not blowing your stack by now!! :) Your boyfriend must back you 100% or her behavior is going to continue & get worse. I have two step-sons & I am the strict one per say with their behavior. They dont get an inch. When put in timeout, does she stay there? When she ignores your requests, do you physically get down to her level and lower your voice and say it again looking into her eyes with determination? Right after my bf and I started living together, before he had custody of his two boys, his youngest decided not to listen one time so Mike, bf, put him in timeout. The first time I had ever seen Mike do this. His youngest laughed at him and got up. Mike just stood there with this look of "what do I do" and without even blinking an eye, I immediately snatched his boy up and placed him in timeout, got down to his level face to face and looked him in the eye and told him with great determination and authority in my quiet voice that his behavior was unacceptable and he would sit here where his dad put him....that he will not act this way towards his dad. Since then, his dad only disciplines when he feels like it....once again it is easier to let the behavior go then deal with it. I refuse to do that. Kids do feel torn between their parents especially when there are two moms and dads...children feel they are to be "loyal" to only one and that is usually their biological parent. Nevertheless, you are her step-mom and you have every right to do what is necessary to change this behavior because you should not be treated disrespectful in your home or anywhere! I would start off trying to discuss this with your bf and see if the two of you can come up with a plan of action. If he won't do it, I would start disciplining her strictly myself. My bf saw the behavior changes in his children and realized with structure and respect, his kids are more pleasant to be around and take out in public. Have you tried reading Parenting with Love and Logic? It is a good resource. I have also removed items the boys love to play with and when I say remove, I mean for at least a couple weeks. It has to sink in and just a day or couple hours doesn't do it. If I can think of anything else I will post....if you have anymore questions or need to vent, we are here!! Good luck and keep me posted....goofygal68@gmail.com.....if you don't mind because I have and still go through this exact same thing in my situation!!

Desiree - posted on 09/11/2010

she's choosing sides- the side she's choosing is her mom's. often children of separated parents and homes feel the need to side with one parent over the other. in this case it's her mom, maybe because she spends more time with her. she may feel by accepting you as a parent-type, she's disrepecting or even abandoning her mom. blended families aren't easy on anyone- especially children. they tend to blame themselves for everything going on between their parents and think it's up to them to fix them. do you get along with her mom? sometimes just seeing that will help. do you know if the mom bad mouths you when you're not there- maybe the daughter is picking up on something. i've been lucky to have been in my step son's life since he was 6 months old- and i was always a constanst- his dad would have him 4 days out of the week- in fact i think he called me mommy before he did his actual mom. he'll refer to her his other mommy, or if he's over with her, he'll call me the other mommy. her and i get along- despite the fact i can't stand her- but i never let him see that. and in fact, she'll refer to me as his mommy as well. but older kids, school age kids, are old enough to pick up on things that are going on around them. not to mention, she may feel her place is being taken away by the new baby. he lives with her mom most the time and she sees her daddy on weekends, and now she has to share that time she usually had with her daddy, with you, and NOW a new sibling. maybe if she has just a day or even a few hours out of the weekend with just her dad, and is asked to help/play with her new brother (especially helpful if you recommend it to her) she may slowly come around. hope this was helpfu;, or at least insightful. good luck :)

Tonya - posted on 09/08/2010

Well first off your boyfriend needs to understand he is not doing her a bit of good allowing her to act like that. He is teaching her that she is able to walk all over him and when she gets older her the little temper tantrems he pushes to the side now will be yesterdays news...He really needs to help her to understand that he loves her enough to make her mind, that is how he teaches her to be a young lady. Second, I agree with the talking part she needs to understand what she has done wrong, and how to do it differently next time...but just talking is obviously not working, it's time for time out.... To be honest with you, if you and your boyfriend plan on being together from here on out, you are her mom, you're her step-mom and your husband needs to respect you as such. To me the problem isn't with her, it's with him...you two need to get on the same page as to what you will and will not allow, and what to do when she does act up...back to you are only hurting the child if you allow her to act that way. once you two are on the same page follow through with it, she will learn...Good luck and God Bless!

Christel - posted on 09/07/2010

Thanks!

Juliana - posted on 09/05/2010

I had similar problems with my 2 stepsons when my husband and I first got together. Luckily for me, I have ran a daycare out of my house and have dealt with defiant children and my husband recognized their behaviors. Your boyfriend needs to back you. He needs to show her that you are to be respected.