Should we have another child?

Deni - posted on 06/09/2010

So far every thing I've read below is completely correct. First remember that your relationship with your new husband must come first. As another mom stated your children will grow up and move out but you will still be married. I also agree that you should have your new husband step up and take control for a week or two to see what you see. I've had to do that exact same thing. My husband and I just celebrated our 9 year anniversary. We have a 21 year old autistic son (my step-son) and a 13 year old daughter with ADHD (his step-daughter). It's been very taxing on our relationship. Our son has been the one to give us the most trouble. He is only mildly autistic so he understands you, can be pretty much normal but still seems to enjoy breaking the rules and having attitude with me. I have always been the disciplinarian in the house. I am pretty tough on both kids because I want them to keep to their schedules. Schedules are very important to kids with disabilities, without them they feel unsecure, unsafe, and lost. I think my son is pushing against his boundaries because he is growing up and wants his own space. Unfortunately he still cannot live on his own. My husband accused me of being too hard on him and of babying my daughter. I made my husband spend two weeks checking on their chores and attitudes. He finally realized that I was equal with both kids but that his son needed the most attention. It is tough but we made the decision early on to not bring another child into the marriage mainly because of finances and because we were worried we would have another child with disabilities. We already have to continue to care for his son for the rest of our lives and we just didn't want to risk it. That may sound harsh but it was the best decision for us. If you and your husband cannot agree on disciplinary actions why bring another child into the situation? Come to an agreement with your husband and be tough about it.

Cheryl - posted on 06/08/2010

we have the blended family of mine, his, my former foster kids, the ours is adopted *his oldest grandson) and we have custody of that ones half/brother.. the other ours, we deal with somewhere around 10 other side of families and all of our children have at least one other mom or dad..it is also multi racial...enough dynamics to explode a small city... here is what I learned..a written discipline plan and consequences it promotes consistancy..by the way both of our little ones are adhd and bipolar along with eplipsy...in there case they do do more time out and we do have to go over the reasons with them more and more often then with others.. you know the "why were you in time out" having them look straight at you so you know they understand and can repeat it back...it is amazing how often they don't get it right...right now we do the written plan so expectations are clear and so are consequences,, we also have an additional six or more grandchildren in and out and my older girls help to give us break..it provides continuity... remembering to praise good behavior is the one area that is very much my weakness and something I work on.. good luck..weekly short meetings work wonders to allows a area to air how things are going ...good and bad and get the kids outlook as well..also by consistancy I mean..one of our rules is shoes go in designated space when we come in our get 5 minutes in time out...that does not matter if you are 4 or if you are 84 like great grandma...the kids really like to try to catch the adults

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2010

Step-parenting is one of the most difficult responsibilities that I have personally ever had. My husband has two boys, I have three boys and we're about to have our own son in the next 3 weeks. We have struggled with behavioral and emotional issues with ALL of the kids over the last 2-1/2 years that we have been married. My best advice would be to connect with other step moms so that you know you are "not the only one" having these issues, can bounce ideas/suggestions off of eachother and have that support that you need.
Co-parenting step children has been extremely taxing on our marriage and I've learned a few things: your marriage comes first (this is extremely important-- your kids have already been through one divorce-- it is important that you and your husband SHOW your children that you are a unified front and cannot be divided!) The relationship you have with your child, his child or both your child always comes second. When your children are long gone and have families of their own, it will be just you and your husband so it's a good idea to keep that in mind now. Another thing I have learned is that all our children, in some way, shape or form, have tried to drive a wedge between my husband and I-- most likely due to anger and resentment over our previous divorces. They may not come right out and say it (although some do!), but deep down they probably are hoping your marriage fails and you get back together with your ex. This is normal. This may mean that his son with ADHD says and does things that he knows will upset you, therefore causing tension (or a even a big blow out argument) between you and your husband. Kids are clever like that.
There are NO easy answers to step parenting and I am no expert as my husband and I struggle with this to this day. I wish you the best of luck!

Nichole - posted on 06/03/2010

i know this is coming a long while after your post but maybe the best thing for you to do to help you understand the adhd is to find out all of the facts about like how to best deal with it. your new husband must understand that discipline is to be handed out fairly and kept regular for both children because his son may be feeling that it is unfair... you must also be willing to possibly discipline your son a little harsher so that it is fair aswell.. i hope this has helped you a little bit...

Gretchen - posted on 06/03/2010

My husband and I were in the same boat. I had a son, he had 2 girls. We now also have 2 boys together (yes thats 5 kids :) ). We argued over how he treated his girls with no discipline and then I was regarded as the "bad" step-mom. Sit down and set out what the rules are and what the consequences will be for breaking them. BUT also have a reward system too. My 9 yr old son and our 7yr old son have both been diagnosed ADHD (and his 16 yr old just got diagnosed within the past two months (although I've known that for yrs)) and so it's never easy. You do learn that the kids have different ways of needing to be disciplined. You have to figure out which is the best way. It's not gonna happen overnight, so be patient. Another thing is to let your hubby take over for a day and let him see what goes on.

Julie - posted on 05/29/2010

i may not help much but
i know ADHD children are a hand full
and sometimes Dads don't see all that is going and when mum points it out Dad may take it the wrong way
sitting down talking out some giude lines will help
like time out ,but time out will not work for all children
taking toys away or missing out on a trip, but talking to each other will help

Shannon - posted on 05/27/2010

How do you feel your husband treats the boys, does he do thing that you feel uncomfortable with. Do you have the same rules for both boys. Have you and your husband tried to come to an agreement on what is permissible and what is not.

My thoughts- If you are raising 2 boys now then why would you have a problem with raising one more with your husband. If you are questioning having another one because of problems, then should you be raising the ones you have in the situation. Sorry not much help but maybe some things to think about.