step daughter constantly lies to me

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My boyfriend has a daughter who is 8. I have been in her life for over a year and she seems to like me and comes to me when she has any questions or needs anything. In fact, she comes to me more often than her dad.
The problem is that she lies to me about everything. little or big things. we are having trouble getting her to bring home papers that she gets from school and give them to us. It is so frustrating because i feel like her dad doesnt care that she is lying. he doesnt do anything about it when it happens. I try to keep my cool with her but its very difficult esspecally when im with her the majority of the time. Also she is very jealous i think of my 18 month old son. He has more needs and gets away with a little more than she does.

What can i do to get my bf daughter to stop lying to me and just do the right thing. She is old enough to know how to do the right thing isnt she????

Please help!!

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Linda - posted on 11/16/2010

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I had this issue with my granddaughter when she came to live with me after living with my son and his girlfriend who was a chronic liar. My granddaughter was always good at "redirection" when caught doing something wrong but after living with my son's girlfriend she learned how to lie outright and would do so without blinking an eye - even when caught red-handed. Then explode in a rage when her lie was not accepted as the truth. (Just like her "stepmom" did). Punishments were not enough to discourage the behavior. She got a consequence for the wrong behavior and another for the lie. If she told the truth she would get only one consequence, if she came to us voluntarily without us finding out on our own there was no consequence. This change made the difference. She needed to be encouraged to tell the truth by knowing that she could trust us. She thought that consequences/punishment represented a loss of love and/or trust. Therefore she feared telling the truth. Slowly we opened the lines for open and honest communication. Occassionally, she still slips into the behavior, but it stems from the five years she spent between the ages of 6 and 11 with a woman who was her "stepmom" who lied all the time herself and punished my granddaughter for things she herself did to cover for her own lies. It is a learned behavior that is hard to break and shows up again whenever she is feeling insecure.

Kim - posted on 11/15/2010

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I know where you are coming from on this one. My SD's biomum is a pathological liar. She does it so much I don't think SHE can separate fact from fiction any more. SD is just the same. She lies to us about anything and everything, and think she can get away with it. We are constantly catching her out in her lies and she gets sulky and explosive with us when we do. We have tried explaining to her that if she lies to us, we have a hard time trusting and believing her when she actually does tell the truth. So far this hasn't worked. I have spoken to my husband about his daughter's behaviour and he knows I will not tolerate it in our young sons (age 2 and 3) and I certainly won't tolerate it from her. There is no doubt in my mind (or in the minds of other parents I have asked for advice from) that her poor behaviour is being encouraged by her mother, but there is nothing we can do about it. I think the only thing either of us can do is set rules and consequences for it all. Your SD is old enough to know how to do the right thing, she just needs to know that if she chooses to do the wrong thing, she faces the penalty. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you need to be respected by her and come up with consequences you are both happy to deliver!
Good luck with it!

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Jennifer - posted on 08/03/2014

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This is an old post but I will still reply as i need to vent my frustration. My step-daughter constantly lis and her new behaviour is to cal her mom to pick her up when she is caught in a lie. She escape her consequences as her mother enables even though we have full custody. Losing me mind!

Teresa - posted on 03/03/2014

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Hi Ladies, I am new to this but so happy i decided to google"8 yr old girl constantly lies and dad does nothing" today. I knew there had to be at least one other person out there that is going through what i am going through(because imagining being the only one really does mean U are the problem,haha)so i was actually quit relieved to see other stories, of what seems to mirror what i deal with on a constant basis. Before i began ventilation(WARNING!! Do not keep reading unless you are prepared to listen to a lot of, what i like to call, "bull kaka";aka; crap--some may not know ;-)) n yes i like to say it, read it, n text that word too.hehe--Anyways, i am looking for any advice other than "u need to earn the respect of the child, whats best for the child, feelings and developmental issues bla bla bla(yes some of that advice has some truth to it but..)i really am not looking for any more excuses for why my step daughter lies. I get enough of that from #1 DAD so please don't take it as rude or that i dont welcome any help, i am just tired of it. I think that some of us may feel the same, as myself, when thinking that"children"(sweet children that are precious gifts, cause they are) BUT can be very cruel,smart, outwit, swindle, manipulate, LIE, oh and less we forget, have been known to fight wars over the coarse of time. We are not talking about enfants and toddlers, we are talking about children who know right from wrong and dont exhibit any kind of learning disabilities here. um, also would like to add that im not here to judge anyone for anything and i hope i get the same respect--which is my whole struggle and what brings me here today. Man, gotta run. Just looked at the time so cant even explain my struggle with my step-daughter. Be back soon!! MamaT

Lisa - posted on 06/24/2012

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Step kids are compulsive liers and like to blame their step mum for everything because it's a learnt behaviour from their biological mother. This pathological need to lie and blame step mums is taught to them by their biological mother. It leads to mental health issues. Bipolar syndrome in kids.
Sometimes a bad distructive mother will create lies and stories to teach kids to lie.

Biological mothers use their kids to get back at their ex-husband and new wife. It's jealousy.

If a biological mum gets angry and blames the childs step mum and dad, then that's exactly what the child will co

Brandi - posted on 01/13/2011

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I have not read the other responses, but I have the same problem with my 9 year old soon to be step son. I mean lies about the craziest things like if I just saw him pick his nose or not. I found the hardest thing is I don't get the back up from his father like I would like. I think some of it comes from him working days a week and what little time he has with his kids he doesn't want to be punishing them. But I am worried because now my 5 year old is picking up that habbit and I am trying everything to break it. My only advise is to really get her dad to support you and back you up. Wish I was more helpful but I really am in the same boat as you and don't have much advice

Ellen - posted on 12/22/2010

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2 main reasons children lie:

1. To avoid punishment.
2. To get attention.

It sounds like she is lying to avoid getting in trouble. But I am not sure whether it is that she is forgetting the papers, or that she is hiding them because she is performing poorly in school. Either way, you need to address the underlying problem here. Do you know why she is lying? If not, you or her dad needs to find out.

Lydia - posted on 12/21/2010

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I know where your comgin from girl. My SD9 is going through something similar. She comes to our house on the weekends and wednesdays and has a great time and then goes back and tells her mom it was awful and that we are all terrible to her. She says the same about her mom's house. Its so fristrating and confusing and of courseBM believes her, when it comes to bad things about us and is refusing to believe her daughter says bad things about her or her home. Its awful. I think you need to get into a very good counselor ot Pysch. soon, or little lies about school papers wil turn into a bigger lies that will affect other ares of your life and hers. Were going through court right now because of some of the stuff she has been saying. Good luck girl! Thinking of ya!

Tammy - posted on 12/15/2010

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Rebecca, I came on here today to post this very thing!
I too have a SD who has been lieing continiously for the past 3 years. She has also been steeling at school!!
She is such a sweet kid, every time she comes she brings pictures and letters for me saying how much she loves me. She loves hugs at bed time, and for me to do her hair. But the lieing has me totally at my witts end! I can't deal with it much more!!
I know how I would deal with it if she was one of my own daughter's but when it comes to a step child, disicpline becomes much more difficult. My husband tries to discipline her but he doesn't do a whole lot because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. And he clames that his ex is totally psycho and that the kids have to deal with enough at home. So he's always saying that he doesn't want to make things any worse for them......? WTHeck!!??
Well, now we have a 10 year old who has been lieing and steeling for 3 years!!
AND her grades at school were D's, E's and F's!! In which, I was the one who went to school for 3 weeks to help her re-do a bunch of her assignments. She turned all her grades into B's in only 3 weeks!! I was SO proud of her hard work and I told her so. She too was very proud of herself. But her mom, was ferious with her for pulling her grades up for me. Blah, Blah, Blah....
Anyhow, SD was So happy that I was going to school to help her. She would give me big hugs when I got there and would ask when I was coming again. She thanked me a 1,000 times for helping.... Like I said, she's a very sweet girl.
But then the very next week, she stold a cell phone out of a girls locker at school and then lied right to us! I work at the school therefore, I knew exactly what had happened. But, my husband on the other hand believed her! I told him that she did not find it like she claimed, I told him exactly what had happened. I also reminded him of all the lies that she has told us. He agreed with me, he said, she does indeed lie to us all the time and he thought she was lieing. But he said he was going to wait and see what the school and her mom did first. WtHeck?? I told him the schools job was to teach the kids math, reading, social studies, and science! It is our jobs as parents to teach our kids about lieing and steeling!!!
He knew she did it? But yet, he did NOTHING because she said she didn't!!!! I told him, she is only here until Sunday. If you don't discipline her now while she's here, it's two late. She leaves and doesn't come back for two more weeks. Well he still did nothing!!! How do I respect my husband when he can't even discipline his own kids!! And when he allows his daughter to treat us this way!?
My husband knows how I feel about lieing and steeling. I told him at the very start of our relationship that I have no need for someone who lies to me. I told him if I ever caught him lieing to me, I'd be gone!! And he has seen me discipline my own girls for lieing. He knows that I will NOT tolerate it!!! But yet, when it comes to his daughter, she continues to get away with it. It's been Three years!!
I am SO done with it!! I don't want to deal with it. I'm getting to the point where I don't want to be around when she is. And I don't want my girls around her, picking up her bad habits.
She is 10! She's old enough to know the difference between the truth and a lie!! She comes on Friday again and I'm just sick to my stomach because I don't want to be here. And also because I'm just so unset at my husband for not doing anything. It's not like she's not finishing her dinner. It's LIEING and STEELING!! These are major life lessons and it's up to parents to teach their children!!

Ladies Please Give Rebecca and I some Advice!

Lillian - posted on 12/01/2010

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I am going thru this too. My SD is turning 13 in a few days and lies about EVERYTHING! She lies about what she ate for breakfast, if she brushed her teeth, who she's texting, school, her phone in general, things she's said, and the list continues...... Personally, I'm at witts end with her. Her dad just ignores it but I can't because it's disrepectful to lie. If I call on her on it she just makes herself cry and says she misses her BM (redirection) and he babys her immediantly. See my SD lives with us full time and only sees BM when it's convienant for BM. I really wish I could help you, but unless he is willing to back you and vice versa it won't work. I hope you find a solution that helps. In the meantime.... I will pray for you and every other parent that has this problem. Good Luck!

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