Step daughter making me insane!!! Please help!

Allyson - posted on 04/10/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am the mother of 3 boys, ages 9, 7, and 2. My 9 and 7 yr olds father is deceased, and my fiance is father to my 2yr old. My fiance also has 2 daughters, both with different mothers. His youngest daughter is 4yrs old, going on 5. We have her every week, from Thurs. afternoon, until 8 or 9 Sunday night. Her mother will also call us about once a week in between Mon-Wed and ask us to take her, saying that if we dont she'll just have to take her to her boyfriends with her, cuz her grandma wont watch her. Mind u, "Grandma" is at home with all 3 of my step daughters siblings. My fiance takes his daughter EVERY time his daughters mom asks, he says because SOMEONE's gotta be the responsible parent (His daughters moms BF lives an hour away, and if she takes her daughter there, she doesn't take her to preschool the next day) My fiance pays child support for his daughter, even though WE have her ALL the time! To make matters worse, my fiance spoils his daughter rotten! My fiance has all these "rules" he expects MY kids to follow, but yet when his daughter breaks those same "rules", he does nothing! If he DOES ever reprimand her, she immediately turns on the tears, and he picks her up and says sorry, and proceeds to baby her. Whenever she comes over, her and my 2yr old are CONSTANTLY fighting, it just doesn't stop. I have set rules for her, but her dad tells her she doesn't have to listen to what I say, just to what HE says! I am at my wits end with his daughter, and him as well. I love my fiance very much, and the only thing we fight about is his daughter. He says I just dont understand, that he's easier on her because her mom smoked crack while she was pregnant with her, and he's not with her everyday, so when he is he doesn't want to yell at her, and he feels guilty that she has such a bad mom, so he owes it to her. I say that children NEED limits and rules, and that even if she doesn't like it, it'll help her to be a good person, and she'll respect him in the end. He wont hear it. He tells me I just dont like his daughter. I cringe when she comes over, because I know I'll have to listen to the fighting, tattling, and whining all day. She makes a huge mess, and I end up being the one who has to clean it up. I know I've taken my anger and frustration out on her more than once, but I dont mean to, I know its not her fault. But she's SUCH a brat! She also follows my fiance around EVERYWHERE, even to the bathroom, even if he tells her to stay downstairs, she follows him anyway, which really irritates me! I resent his daughter very much, as horrible as that is to say, but I feel like my fiance is alot harder on our son than his daughter, and I worry about my son not liking his sister, or resenting her also, because he see's that he's treated differently, and she gets away with everything! My 2 sons already cant stand her because of it. I brought her to my friends house the other day to play with their daughter, and when it was time to clean up, she told my friend she didn't have to, because she's the princess. My friend tried to make her do it, but she flat out refused. She also stole things from their home. I made her bring them back, and apologize, but she was so bad when she was there my friend doesn't want her to come back! My fiance's family has also made comments to me, saying how horrible her behavoir is. Unfortunately, nobody will say anything to him, because he gets really defensive and yells. So they just tell him she was fine, and then tell ME about any problems. When I told him about what happened at my friends, he accused my friend of not liking his daughter, either. When I told him that even his own family was concerned about her behavior, he called them up and reamed them out, telling them not to tell me stuff about his daughter, because I "get off" on it. We tried couple's counseling, but as soon as the counselor told him he was wrong, he got angry, denied treating her different, and refused to go back. I dont want my kids to act the way this little girl is headed when she gets older, so I am absolutely determined to put an end to it. I feel bad because I really cant stand this kid anymore! I DO try my best not to show it, and I do go pick her up without my fiance, take her to the zoo, or swimming, or whatever I'm doing with my 2 yr old, but I always end up regretting it! Does anyone have a similar problem, or any suggestions about what else I should do? This is not the way I ever expected my life to be!

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Allyson - posted on 04/11/2010

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I honestly have been doing just that! We haven't set a date for our wedding simply BECAUSE I dont know if I can handle the stress of having his daughter around! I love him very much, and we get along great and agree on everything else, pretty much, but I do believe that the problems when it comes to his daughter might possibly be our undoing. Dont get me wrong, he's a great guy, but when it comes to his daughter, there is no getting through to him. I DO worry quite a bit about how his daughter will grow up to be! At the same time, I know blended families are very difficult, and I dont want to just give up. Mostly because I sometimes wonder if I'm being unfair, or too hard on both of them. Or if I'm expecting too much. I keep hoping things will get easier and a lil better as she gets older, as we've only been together 3 and a half years, but I worry that the longer this goes on, the worse it'll only get, and I dont want to end up resenting them both!

Patti - posted on 04/11/2010

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Why are you gonna marry this man? Apparently it appears he is dealing with guilt because of the behavior of the child's mother. And you feel as tho he doesn't back you, and treats your children different. Then why are you staying in this relationship? Why not just part ways, and then he can see your child when its his time, just try to make it different days, then when he see's the other child, that way,you know that your son is being treated fairly. Apparently this little girl knows Daddy will let her have her way, and you have nothing to say about it....if she can get away with it when she is young, then what happens when she is a teenager? The decision is yours, just think about your future with this man...

Toni - posted on 04/11/2010

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It sounds to me like he isn't playing on the same team you are, from what I have read, yes your step daughter has a tough life with her mother and she certainly will need dissapline and guidance from your partner and yourself as she obviously has none from her wayward mother, short of your fiance wanting her to end up like her mum, he needs to step in with a firm but gentle hand. try shock tactics, tell him if you are unable to repremand his daughter then he can not repremand your children, undermine him when he does tell your children what to do and make sure he notices, when he has a go at you for it, tell him you are only copying his parenting style and if he doesn't like it then he also has to change. Your relationship will not last the way it is going and unless he wants another child he only see's now and again and pays support for he really needs to see the bigger picture. I wish you luck, and remember she is only doing what has been shown to her by her natural parents.

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