Step kids asking to call me mom...

Carine - posted on 07/27/2010 ( 43 moms have responded )

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I need advice. I have 2 children of my own and 2 step children (8yrs and 9 yrs) living with us 3 days a week. Over the past few weeks my step children have been asking me if they can call me mom. They do have a mother and understand that I am not the biological mom. My spouse and I have discussed this and he is a "stumped" as I am. The mother has previously stated that she would not discourage the kids from calling her boyfriend dad.To complicate the sittuation my 3 year old son refers to my spouse (not his father) as daddy. We did not discourage this as he rarely see's his biological father. I simply told the children that I really needed a little time to think about this and that it was a decision we neede to make as a family...any suggestions???

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I think if the kids see both you and their biological mother frequently then they clearly understand that they have a biological mother and a step mom. Calling a person mom just means they are comfortable calling you that and really if your kids are calling you mom and you tell your step kids they can't, you are almost excluding them. and that could end up hurting them. in the end it has to be your choice made on how you feel. good luck!

Samantha - posted on 08/04/2010

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Wow your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I have 2 step children 8 and 9. They live with us and see their mom every other weekend. Jasmine started calling me mom almost right away. And Jr. just recently started calling me mom. I honestly feel very honored that they would consider me a mother figure. My oldest son, who does not see his biological father, calls my husband Daddy. My husband and I also have a son together. I would just take your time, don't rush into it. One day they will start calling you mom and down the road you are gonna wonder, "when did that happen?" Being in a blended family is uncomfortable at times. It takes a strong, devoted and selfless person to love and care for someone elses kids. And it doesn't mean that you are gonna be all 3 at the same time.

Lisa - posted on 08/02/2010

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My son calls his step dad, daddy and his real dad, "dad", my 7 year old calls step dad "daddy Scott". We just let them call him what they are comfortable calling him. My teen just calls him by his name, unless she is talk to our baby together, then she say dad.

Denise - posted on 07/29/2010

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Well Carine I think that you should let the kids call you mom, because to me that is a sign that they really love and respect you as a mother, which isn't easy to come by. I don't think I agree with the bio-mom letting the kids call her BOYFRIEND dad, because is she going to let her kids call all of her boyfriends dad? do you know how many dad's they will have? but if you two are married and they feel that comfortable with you, than I think you should make it official, and my husband agrees.

Kat - posted on 07/27/2010

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The fact that they're asking probably means that they respect and love you just as they do their "real" mom. They also could be feeling a little insecure about whether you love them as your own. I definitely think you should let them call you mom.

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Peggy - posted on 08/28/2013

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Let them call you what ever they feel comfortable with. my step daughters call me mom, mom #2, Peggy, and sometimes they avoid using any type of title. their biomom is fine with this because they also call the moms husband dad. They often tell people they have 2 moms and 2 dads

Irene - posted on 12/17/2012

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I had replied before that my bonus kids and I made up the nickname Mimi for me. Well that didn't last very long...they started asking again if they could call me Mom. This time I said yes. They now call me Mom and their bio-mom we always refer to as Mommy. I'm very glad they are comfortable enough with me and love and respect me enough and know that I love them as my own and that because of that they wanted to call me Mom. I chose to allow it this time because I didn't want to make them feel unequal to my own kids or hurt their feelings at all. Obviously it was important to them to call me Mom or they wouldn't have continued to ask.

Cathy - posted on 12/02/2012

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There to little now ..or tell them why they calling you that maybe because they mom is not putting to much attention to Them like you are...

Jennifer - posted on 08/11/2011

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Cool! I would tell the kids that I was thrilled and honoured that they wanted to call me Mom. That I had respect for their biological Mom and would never try to take her place, but I was delighted that they had so special a place for me in their hearts.



Have read the other replies, now, and I agree that it would be good for your name to be different from hers. I don't know what everyone's ethnic background it is, or if it matters, but you could use other names like Maman, Mutti, Mamma, etc.

Kelly - posted on 08/06/2011

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I grew up calling friends mums "mum", their grandparents were nana, pa, etc. So no I don't see that it would be a problem for me. My SD calls me Mummy, she's only 2 though, so I think the main reason she does is because that's what my son calls me. My son does the same, calls my partner Dada, simply because SD does. My ex has a real issue with this, but I just haven't said anything. I would never encourage her to call me 'Mum', but if that's what she decides, then that's her choice, and I'm happy with that. That fact that her BM is barely around also makes me accept it easier. But I would still never discourage her from calling me mum or my son from calling my partner dad. They all in the end decide who they class as their parents. It's not a bad thing. It just means they love you.

Rene - posted on 08/02/2011

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Its unfortunate that you didnt tell them yes right away. The fact that they understand that you love them and treat them the same as your own children is wonderful. Wanting to express that isnt always easy for children and the easiest way is to endear an adult with a term of respect.

Kathy - posted on 08/02/2011

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I think if the kids want to call you mom that is great. Maybe they can use another form to distinguish you from their mother maybe "mom insert first name". When I was a step mother I was always careful when people assumed I was the mother to clarify I was the step mom because I knew it was important to he children. To expect them to call you mom would be would be outrageous, but that they accept you and want to call you mom is a beautiful thing.

Melissa - posted on 08/01/2011

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I think it's great, really. My stepkids call me "mommy" and nothing else. I've been in their lives for 2.5 years now, my step son had just turned 2 and my step daughter was 8. Their bio mom lost custody shortly after the divorce and only sees them every other weekend from 10-5. My sons (5 and 9) call my husband "dad" and my daughter (also 9- a twin) calls him "daddy Chris". My daughter is extremely close to my ex-husband, although my kids see him for a month in the summer and during breaks and long weekends. He lives on the west coast and does a lot of global travel for work. So the kids are mainly with my husband and I and we are mommy and daddy and they are all brothers and sisters. Kids are so honest and reveal their feelings in powerful ways, and calling you mom is a testament to how they feel about you Carine =)

Christina - posted on 07/28/2011

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If the mom is okay with her kids calling another man "daddy", then tit for tat.
I am all for children calling the adults in their lives what they want. If they want to call you mom while at your house, then let them. They know who gave birth to them.
I tell my oldest son that it is his choice what he calls his stepmom. He will call her mom or Amy. Doesn't bother me at all. Recently, he has started referring to my husband as dad, even though I do 50/50 custody with his dad (who is an awesome dad!)
Telling children, "No, you can't call me that," is more damaging to them than it is to the bio parent who is hurt over it. Children don't divide their feelings, they love unconditionally. And having your kids calling you mom makes them want to do it as well.

Bri - posted on 07/24/2011

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My own S.C. asked to call me mom too gave me a hug too! i told him call me B or Bree is fine. I dont want to get yelled "again," by any authorities plus my SK went to his BMs house telling everyone i force hiim to call me that.! so i say no way! had to explain about "lying to others."

Bri - posted on 07/24/2011

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My own S.C. asked to call me mom too gave me a hug too! i told him call me B or Bree is fine. I dont want to get yelled "again," by any authorities plus my SK went to his BMs house telling everyone i force hiim to call me that.! so i say no way! had to explain about "lying to others."

Bri - posted on 07/24/2011

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My own S.C. asked to call me mom too gave me a hug too! i told him call me B or Bree is fine. I dont want to get yelled "again," by any authorities plus my SK went to his BMs house telling everyone i force hiim to call me that.! so i say no way! had to explain about "lying to others."

[deleted account]

If your DH agrees, then allow them to. It simply means that they have an attachment to you and respect you and your role as a step mother. If you are worried about hurting BMs feelings - come up with a nickname (like Momma C) or something. Look up different names for "mom" and see if they like one of those. They could have Mom (BM) and Mimi or Mammy...

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2011

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I say nay. Make sure the kids know you love them, and are so happy to have them in your life. Step it up a notch and say you don't want to take away from how important their BM is.

[deleted account]

I think you should not worry about it and follow their lead. If they are comfortable calling you mom and are asking to do so, then I think that's great. It's never a good idea to insist that a step child call you mom. I told my step children to do what makes them comfortable. (They are older now, 12, 14, 16) What I find is that they usually call me by my name, but when they are talking to someone else they refer to me as "my mom", probably out of convenience. The important thing is that they know you are their parent, you are a family, and that you love them no matter what name you go by.

Khadijah - posted on 06/23/2011

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I think it also depends on your step kids biological mother. My husband were in the exact same situation a few years ago and when his two older daughters (my step daughters) decided to start calling me "Mommy" without even discussing it with me. They actually started doing this long before my husband and I married. When their Mom got wind of it she had a fit and demanded that they stop calling me their Mom. She then told my now husband that because we weren't married she had an issue with it. I totally understood and urged the kids to listen to their Mom. There mother was also married and had my husband kids calling her husband Daddy. At that point I felt sorry for the kids because I didn't want to confuse them. I just reminded them that they were very blessed to have two sets of parents. In the end my husband married and havew been for 4 years now. Even though the girls Mom still had issues with them calling me Mommy after we were married she never disputed it because it would have made her out to be a liar.

Best of luck in whatever you choose. Just make sure everyone is happy.

Alisha - posted on 05/31/2011

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My opinion...I think it says a lot about you that someone else's children love you enough to want to call you mom. I think that you should encourage that they do so. It will feel a little weird to everyone, but you all get used to it and it becomes natural! I have a very similar story. If you are interested, let me know. I will share! lol

Candyce - posted on 05/30/2011

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I don't understand how that's a complicated question - unless you feel uncomfortable with it. In which case, I would wonder "Why?" Let them call you mom, since it's even across the board. Problem solved. They can either call you by your name or Mom, as long as you know which names to answer to, lol

Christina - posted on 05/21/2011

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I think you should allow the kids to do what they want to do. If you think you are stepping on their mom's toes, then suggest they call you Mommy Carine.
Children do what they need to do to make their lives perfect. Being with y'all so much, they want to feel like their life with you is a real, and that y'all are a real family.

KALLI - posted on 05/20/2011

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I have a few different views on this. I also have 2 children of my own (3 and 5 months) and 2 step children (8 and 9). My step children do not see or speak to their BM (her choice) and it breaks my heart to see the pain they go through. I have been with their father for 3 years now and I have been in the picture more than their mother has ever been. They still call me by my name but this past mother's day they decided they wanted to try to start calling me mommy. This made all the struggles with them worth it. It has been hard and I told them from the beginning it is their choice what they want to call me. My son on the other hand, calls my husband P (short for is name A.P.) We are fine with this because my ex husband and I both agree we do not want our son calling someone else mommy and daddy. I am my son's only mother and I like it that way, and his daddy doesn't have anyone serious in his life any ways. But, my other opinion on this is I had a step mom of my own, but I didn't have the choice. I HAD to call her mom. I think as long as the BM doesn't mind it, the children should chose what they want to call you. It means they respect and love you enough to show you they love you like a mother. It also (in my opinion) makes the family feel more complete. I hope this helps in some way. Best of luck with whatever you decide and God bless!

Shay - posted on 05/20/2011

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Personally as a child who was adopted by my moms 4th husband and then remarried to a different man I see no problem with a child calling a step parent mom or dad. I thought of both my adopted dad and step dad as my dad. They both made sure to care for me no differently than my Father who wasnt ever around. Now from a parents point of view as well I still see no issue here. I tend to my 4 step children (mind you I hate calling them that) as if they were my own. And have firmly stated that if my son was alive I WOULD PRAY my husband now treated him as his own as well. Yet my husbands childrens bio mom feels I have no right to these children and she actually tells them Im NOT there mom. Sad to think a 4 yr old lit girl and her twin 2 yr old brothers are constantly subjected to this negativity but nothing I can do on that end. What I can do is be the best parent while they are in my care. So on any level I think it shouldnt be such a problem as long as the children are cared for with all the parents or step parents heart and ablility!

Irene - posted on 09/01/2010

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My stepkids wanted to call me mom as well and wanted to call their stepdad dad. Both bio-parents were not supportive of that so the kids their dad and I came up with the "nickname" Mimi. It was close enough to mommy that the kids were happy and far enough away that their mom was happy too. Its cute now because the kids don't introduce me as their stepmom anymore they simply say this is my Mimi. ;)

Allyssa - posted on 08/31/2010

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My step's cal me Auntie A. Their mom lives in a different state and calls sometimes. All in all when that happened with Elijah, I just told him that I wasn't his mom and calling me auntie is better for me. they have a mommy. My oldest calls Marc,Daddy because, like many other posts, his biological dad is just not there and he has been since he was about 6 months. when they all talk to the baby it's mommy so I let them decide. when i was pregnant they wanted to call me something other than auntie and i didn't suggest mommy because they have one. And ladies no matter how much we admit that we would welcome the idea, as the biological mother of your children, you hear that and you would be devastated, just like a man is when he hears his biological kids calling the next guy dad, I know that would burn a hole through my heart, that's just me.

Tasha - posted on 08/27/2010

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so...i havent read any of the other responses yet but myself and my aunt both have blended familes and my stepdaughters (4&5) call me mama tasha (something they started on their own) and my husband and i never discouraged it and the same with my aunt....hope this helped some :)

Christina - posted on 08/26/2010

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Although the kids may feel comfortable, I think both the biological parents need to feel comfortable with it also. I do agree with the previous posters that the kids have a great comfort with you to see you in this way.

However, as a mother with children w/ a step-mom, I didn't feel comfortable with my daughter calling her step-mother "Mom" when my ex-husband and his new wife allowed her to do it. I felt violated as her mother.

So, while the kids may feel comfortable, I think all of the parents need to understand and appreciate that both sets of parents are "in it together" to raise the kids. Thus, I would say that if their biological mother says it is okay, the kids feel comfortable with it, and their father feel comfortable with it, then let it ride!

Hope it all works out for you!

Crystal - posted on 08/25/2010

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I feel that if they are comfotrable with calling you mom, you are their stepmom after all, that it should be alright. Especially if their bio. mom wants to let them call her BF daddy. Since it is their idea and you are not forcing or pressuring them to call you mom I would take it as a sign of love and respect from the kids and count it as an honor that they have chosen to call you their mom. Embrace it and count it as them welcoming you into their family. =)

Kricket - posted on 08/24/2010

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I am a step mom and my kids also have a step mom. I believe you should not have the step kids call you mom but maybe a sweet name that mean something to you guys like( mama C or madra) the kids will have more respect for you later knowing that you gave the bio mom as much respect as you would give your self. Love the kids and they will love you but try and never place your needs above what is going to best for them in the long run. Being a step mom a bio mom just mom all together is hard but let the kids know you love them and respect them even when maybe the other adults may not do the same . I wish you the best of luck ....

Robin - posted on 08/23/2010

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Since they have asked you this, and they are old enough to understand, I would let them call you mom. I would not "make" them, but I would let them decide that on their own. It would make them feel more included in the family. Since they are asking it means they feel like you are a mom to them.

Melanie - posted on 08/12/2010

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I see no harm, as long as dad is on board. Just let them know that they have a mom, and that you will never take he place.

[deleted account]

I agree with the above posters. It's an honour and a sign of trust and love on their part that they would ask to call you mom. I never called my step-mother mom even though we were TOLD to (it was forced on us and I hated her for it), but I called three of my friend's mothers mom (still do to this day) because of the way they cared for and loved me. My own stepkids switch between calling me mom and my first name. At first I was uncomfortable (remembering my own past) but now I feel like they are showing that appreciate my efforts in raising them.

Judy - posted on 08/04/2010

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We took the approach of letting the kids decide what they wanted to call us. My kids took easy to calling stepdad just dad but their father is no where in the pic. My stepson on the other hand.... while he easily started calling me MOM (at 4) ....his birth mom had hugh issues. WE are a family all nine together. Our kids feel more secure this way. My step as he's getting older defines mom as mom ad my other mom depending who he is talking to. Let the kids decide..... they are old enough to defend their choice to their mom if she has a gripe about it. And feel honored that you have done such a good job loving them that they wish to bless you with that title.

Karen - posted on 08/02/2010

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I agree with all the others. They very much need you to see that they love you;. This is their way of showing it. As long as bios don't have a problem with it. I wouldn't.

Melisssa - posted on 08/01/2010

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I have told both of my stepkids whatever you are most comfortable with.My stepson never could say my name and would say "Missa" So that is what they call me.

Amy - posted on 07/31/2010

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I agree with everyone, if the children are comfortable to call you mom, let them. If they understand that you do not want to take the place of their bio mom than it is a sigh of love and respect that they can give in their own way. Dont be offended if they stop and call you by your first name, my stepdaughter does that all the time, my stepson on the otherhand allways refers to me as mom, I never question it or anything it is what the children are comfortable with

Emma - posted on 07/31/2010

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I agree with the above comments. If they have asked to call you mum, then they must want to call you mum. I think they will feel a sense of comfort being able to and congrats to you, not many people have children not biologically thiers asking if they can call you mum. (I could never imagine calling anyone mum apart from my own mum so you must be special to them!)

Jane - posted on 07/30/2010

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Let them. If it ends up being a question, then try having them call you "Cari-Mom" or something like that in public or when they talk to their mom.

No harm, no foul.

Annmarie - posted on 07/29/2010

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Believe me they know the difference of who mom is. It is an honor for them to want to call you that. Happily accept and be proud, it shows you've done right by them!!

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