step kids don't say thank you...

Chesnie - posted on 09/20/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have always been big in saying 'thank you" when someone does something nice for you.



I say thank you when someone hands me something, gives me something or compliment me. I wish to rub off on the stepboys but they arent picking up my cue.



My husband says he dont expect them to say thanks all the time as it will start to sound fake. I told him I dont care, sometimes my niece over uses it but she makes sure that I hear her so she will repeat it. I told him it never gets old to me and shows appreciation. Everytime I do something for them, they dont say a word. I usually say "I dont expect anything in return but a simple thank you'!! or "what do you say"?? Then they mumble thank you..lol



Am I being overly crazy or is this something that is reasonable?? Thanks

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Katie - posted on 10/06/2010

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Manners are very important! I've noticed being out and about in the last couple of years, that even adults are not using manners anymore. So keep up the good work, and hopefully they'll get it. BTW, being a stepparent is the hardest job ever!!!

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Tarnya - posted on 09/05/2012

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I so related to your question. I think saying please and "thank you" is a compulsory part of normal manners. But my second husband feels that it isn't and that you should always feel it before saying it. To please me, he has learnt that it is better to say thank you and it makes no difference to me whether he feels thankful or not. He should say it to acknowledge that something has been given or done for him. I am often telling him, thank you for saying thank you to acknowledge that I really appreciate that he does. Now he does it much more often but not all the time. For me it is reflect action and I would have to choose not to say it.

He is big on the importance of saying good morning but I am not. And we have had differences over table manners as well. We came to some creative solutions on that one. http://www.familyis.org/blogs/widow-rema...

I am happy to begin cultivating the importance of good morning to please him.

However what would I do in your situation? He does not want to enforce saying thank you but that does not mean you have to abandon it as a value you hold. I am sure there are some ways to cultivate saying thank you. It is not something to have a row over! If you make it an area of conflict with the kids it is not going to be good. There must be sometimes when they say thank you. On those occasions I would explain how much it means to you and how much it makes you feel appreciated. That you so happy to give the gift or do the whatever but when someone says thank you. It makes you feel that it was so worth it etc. You might even repeat the action. eg when you do something for your step sons eg make them a special dessert and someone actually says thank you. Then I would make another the next night and explain. I was so pleased that you thanked me for making chocolate pudding that I left like making another tonight. Your neice is a different situation because she probably comes from a household which shares the importance of this value.

Marnie - posted on 02/23/2011

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Oh my gosh Im so glad I came across this discussion. I have flet so alone on this one for so long. My step kids are used to me as thier dad and I have been together for almost 6 years now and still there are no manners used in our home. His youngest whos 11 I can somewhat understand, hes younger and it may still take some time considering they never have to use manners at home with thier mom. But his oldest is now almost 19 and still never uses her manners. In fact this year on her birthday she wasnt here, she had plans with her friends. We took her gift down to her when we dropped her brother off at her home because it was summer time and he was spending some time here with us. She answered the door but just opend it up a crack and then yelled out "wheres my gifts". My husbabnd then passed them throgh the door to her. She shut it in his face. I was so angry I wrote her a letter and explained that it was hurtful what she did and if she ever wanted to recieve a gift from our home again she would appologize and start using her manners. She hasnt spoken to me since. Its been disaheartning for my husband, but im standing my ground. I cant see anyone treating someone they should love with that kind of disrespect and it isnt the first time. our second xmas together when she was told by her father to say thanks for the gifts her response was "when have you ever known me to say thankyou"!
My husband is working on his son but its very hurtful for me at times because I will be the one saying...what do you say...or glaring at my husband to do the correcting....im so frustrated, i feel like we dont have a REAL family here just a messy situation that will never change and in the end im going to be the mean old step mom who made them do things they didnt want to do. :(

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um...yeah...that would drive me insane if I expected that from all of my kids, and husband for everything I do for them. They would never stop saying it. I run the house, I am the teacher, mom, wife, taxi, cook, etc. I think expecting it to be said every time you do something for them is to much. However, the occasional thank you isn't to much to expect.

good luck and god bless

Kay - posted on 11/14/2010

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Children follow by the examples they are shown, try to get your husband around to your side first, maybe explain to him that manners are nessecary in this world and you do not want your children, any of them, getting hurt because they made the wrong person angry over a lack of manners. Once you have hubby using manners all the time in front of the kids as well as yourself, and always make a point of using yours with them even when what they give you (a gift or a dose of attitude) eventually you will find they will start to mimic the behaviour and you will no longer need to be continually at them for not using their manners. Positive behaviour models ALWAYS work better then negative behaviour remodelling, no matter who the child is or what your relationship to them is. Best of luck :-)

Kimberly - posted on 10/10/2010

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I just politely remind them but I do not sweat the small stuff...model the behavior you want but do not focus on the negative. If my children do not say "thank you" ...I say "You're Welcome" anyways. All my children...including my bonus children ( I do not use the term step) say thank you now.

Tonina - posted on 10/08/2010

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I had the same problem w/my step kids my advice is evrytime u giv them sumthng or do sumthng for them ask them wat do u say like they r 2yrs old they will get the hint! if ur hubby doesnt like it u may hav 2 let him kno in a soft way that u think it is rude that they dont say thank u and its ok if he doesnt mind but u do and they need 2 respect u! so if they dont thank him fine but they need 2 thank u period! trust me if u dont put ur foot down now it will only get worse and they will strt disrespectin u in othr ways! good luck!

Katrina - posted on 10/06/2010

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i have 6 kids and all of them will say thank you or please and even my 2 year old if my neice of nef come over they say it as well if they dont say it they dont get it they all got used to it and will always say thank you or please its not hard to use your manners anyone thats comes to my house no to use them or they will get nothing it shows respect to you, sorry but if they dont say it without you reminding them to say it dont give them what they wont untill they can ask nicely its relly not a hard word to say and your husband should expect them to say please or thank you it will never sound fake it make them look responsable and very polite everyone should use manners i hope this makes scence lol thank you and good luck

Rhonda - posted on 09/26/2010

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Your house, your rules. My bio-kids don't say thank you enough and I'm reminding them all the time. All kids need to be taught that nobody has to do anythig for them, but when it'sdone be grateful.

Jessica - posted on 09/24/2010

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I would have to say it is reasonable. Your house, your rules. They should be respected and followed. And your husband should respect you and your rules too and make them kids respect you. I am dealing with similar issues. My boyfriend has a 6 year old. She is disrespectful and the rules in my house don't "matter". I've been trying for 2 years to get her to follow the rules, clean her room and be respectful towards me. It's slowly getting better. We have fought A LOT about it. So hang in there, it is a learning process for the kids. To get used to different rules. They will be grateful one day you taught them manners.

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I totally agree! EVERYONE should say thank you! Not just step-kids and if they aren't taught to say thank you, they won't say it at all to anyone!

Chesnie - posted on 09/21/2010

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I also let them know that I have peyton, our 16 month old bio daughter, do chores too. She dusts side tables and wipe off coffee table and help pick up her toys. She loves dusting. lol..

I always tell my hubby that by them not doing anything, they are not doing their future girlfriends and wives any favors by being lazy. The youngest son, 8 yrs old, will do things when we ask him no qeustions, but the oldest, 12, whines and complains (while he is playing games on his phone). Whats funny is the other day, his dad offered him $10 to pull all the weeds in the flower bed. I told him he could do them in the evening because its hot out, and not 10 minutes later he was out pulling weeds. He then came in halfway done and said he was done. I told him ok I will tell your dad. His dad looked at them and said you didnt even do half of them. He gave him $4. My hubby said go have a drink and then come back out and finish for the other $6. He just settled for the $4 and was done. Thats crazy!

Josephine - posted on 09/21/2010

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I don't think you're asking for too much, but maybe it's the way you're doing it. I have 3 step-sons and 1 bio, and I expect manners. I expect for them to say thank you, and I expect them to say excuse where necessary. And our children aren't allowed to say what when we call them. It's yes and then they are to come and find out what we want. I believe I'm raising future men not little boys. I teach them chores (age appropriate) and when they grow up they'll realize that I did it to make them self sufficient, not to be ugly. And I ask it of all the kids not just certain ones. Maybe a good way of encouraging them to say it is when you hand them something and they don't say thank you, say thank you mom or thank you Chesnie....that way they know that it was rude not to have done it on their own. But try and not make a big deal about it. Or tell them you stop appreciating the nice things that I do for you, and I'll stop doing them.

Chesnie - posted on 09/21/2010

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whats crazy is their mom and grandparents are real church going, although they dont always act like it around me, and the boys love going to church. So my question is , why dont their mom and gp reinforce good manners? They are also very lazy and thats because their gp's do everything for them and they have no chores at home, so they expect to do nothing at our house. Well my hubby devised a plan that also unfortunatly includes giving them money to do chores and boy were they big on doing those chores now...lol..its a good thing but they wont do a thing if they arent getting something for it.

Carla - posted on 09/21/2010

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No, this is one thing I was adamant on. With my grandbabies, I make them say please and thank you, and they don't get what they want until they say it. They will say 'I need a drink of water.' I will say 'how do you ask me?' And they say, 'please may I have a drink of water?' I say certainly, give them the glass, them make them say thank you. Common courtesy is sadly lacking in today's society, and we need to drive it into our childrens' minds. People don't say 'my, how fake your children are', they say 'my, how polite your children are!' It shows good parenting.

If your husband wants you to treat his children as your own, he will have to take the 'fake' with the good. Tell him something like 'honey, we want people to know that we do the best parenting we can with the boys, don't we?' I'm sure you can come up with something that will get your point across to him, then make sure he backs you up, and also makes the boys say please and thank you. It won't sound fake after long.

God bless, darling

Melinda - posted on 09/21/2010

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You have the right in your own home to set ground rules, but don't think they will change overnight. They are struggling to adjust to you, just be strong!

Nancy - posted on 09/20/2010

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No you're not! Step-kids are un-grateful and mad because their parents aren't married anymore. Might as well get use to it.

Amber - posted on 09/20/2010

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OMG... I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME. my step kids ae not rude, but they don't ues manners either. they don't say thank you for birthday gifts or holiday pkgs. my sd recently asked dh what are you getting me for my birthday? i thought that was so rude...he said that he did not notice. he probably did not b/c he is used to it, but i can not stand it and i always reenforce the manners when they are around.

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