step-kids vs. bio kids?

Amy - posted on 04/17/2010

I am going thru the same thing. I have been a step mom to three wonderful children for 10 yrs, I love them as my own. They have also lived with us for those 10 yrs. Their mom however tells everyone that if it wasn't for her her children would have gone hungry and lived in the streets. The two older ones seem to go along with her but the youngest one does not put up with her antics ... it just depends on the child on how they will react later in life. Good luck!!!

Heather - posted on 04/07/2010

I went through this too. Both of you should sit the kids down and tell them that you love them just as much as you love your other little ones, and no matter what anyone else says to them, this will always be true. Your husband especially should also sit them down in private (because they will need to hear it from him more) and let them know that he will never stop loving them, no matter what.

I've had to remind my stepdaughter several times that it seems like her little sister has more than she does (toys, clothes, etc.) because little sis only has ONE house to keep her things in and she has two. I've told her that if she took all the toys she has at her mom's AND all the toys she has at our house, and put them all together, she'd have WAY more stuff than her little sister. (I've also reminded her that this isn't some sort of competition.)

Heather - posted on 04/06/2010

She is jealous that another women is in her kids lives. I am going through a similar thing. All you can do is just let it go unless she does something to go against the custody papers. Kids can see good or bad and they know. When they are older they will know how much you loved them no matter what. All you can do right now is just make sure you show them as much as possible!

Audra - posted on 04/06/2010

Continue to love and support them as you normally would. I was a stepchild and it was hard because i was always reminded that i didnt belong explain to them that you all are a family and that you would never do more for one then you would for the other

Terry - posted on 04/05/2010

I have four step-kids and five bio kids in the house... i would say it depend on the age of the kids..when they were young used lots of crafts, because they have to talk to each other, to finish the projects..

Michele - posted on 04/05/2010

I absolutely agree with Kristi. Actions speak MUCH louder than words, especially when it comes to kids. Make sure during holidays, birthdays they all get the same amount. You give snacks, give them all snacks. If you take them to the store & you buy one something, buy the other one something. At home, watch tv with all of them, watch something each one of them wants to watch. Maybe make a day for each child. Take one child out one day for a whole day with you & your husband. The next day take another one out. Make them feel special, but let them know that they are all loved. Even if it's taking them to a park or something to play, to see a movie together. Do an activity with each of them everyday. Let them each pick what is going to be for dinner on different days. Make a family game night (yes, I know that's from the commercials lol, but it is a good idea). I hope this helps hun, good luck!

Virginia - posted on 04/02/2010

we have a total of 7 too. 3 mine 4 his. We're in a situation where we actually had to point out to the 3 oldest steps that they actually got more because mine only get 1 Christmas, 1 Easter etc and they get 2 or more of each plus all the Jewish holiday's too since their step father is Jewish. The real issue isn't stuff though it's time. My kids get more time with their dad than they do. Granted my kids have no time with their own dads but that doesn't help a wounded child's heart much.

Amanda - posted on 03/25/2010

Just remember the little things. We have 7, three bio and 4 step. There are 6 boys and 1 girl and the girl is one of the biologicals. there were "comments" made here as well because our 3 are the youngest too. but we show them different by the little things. the youngest is very into sports so we get to the park every chance we get, the oldest is into old trucks so we bought a fixer-upper and the guys work on it a little at a time when they are down and the middle is surprisingly into clothes so for christmas we couldnt do much money wise but to the mall i went and was able to get him a few things(but at least i showed i listened and knew what he wanted). the youngest is in every sport imaginable and even if dads outta town step-mom misses nothing. just remember that actions speak louder than words. hope this helps a little

Carol - posted on 03/25/2010

I think children are quite bright, and when they see one parent bad mouth another and one that never says a negative word about the other it isn't hard for them to figure out who is in the wrong .......let bio mom own it and you keep doing what you are doing and never stop talking to them ....that in itself shows that you care :)

Melisa - posted on 03/24/2010

We have run into this same issue. We have just told SS who is 7 years older than DS and 11 yrs older than DD that everyone is treated the same and we try to do special things for each child every once in a while. Everyone is treated the same and it is tough when they are all different ages. We end up doing a lot of outside activities that include everyone.

Glory - posted on 03/18/2010

you can't control what the bio mom says..actions speek louder than words, all children need attention, and they all have different needs...make time to go shopping with her, do your nails together or go out to lunch, but make sure you do not take the little ones with you...make that her own time..

Chris - posted on 03/17/2010

Love them and let them know that they are all equal. Bio mom has the problem. Been there. Love will win out. (Sometimes it takes a while and is hard to live with)

Leah - posted on 03/17/2010

I have been raising my 2 step kids for 4 years now. their bio mom was in their life until 2 years ago. she went against a judgment in court and lost custody. she tried to tell the kids the same thing but i told them that we are all a family no matter what. their mom was wrong and is just upset that we have expanded our family. i told them not to believe everything that they hear and i show them that they are loved just the same and they get to go to friends houses, get big kids meals when we go out and the babies dont get to do any of that. the only problem i have is that my 12yr old stepson would rather play with baby toys than his tech decks. and my 8 year old stepdaughter would rather fight with the babies over their baby computers than her jewelry maker. they end up breaking the babies things. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Kirby - posted on 03/16/2010

This more than likely will continue until they get old enough to understand the care and attention younger kids need. The best thing you can do is show them. One way may be to have a day out with just the older children. Take the SD out and get manis and pedis.

Kathy - posted on 03/16/2010

Just love them and spend time with just them doing something they like to do, like going shopping or to the movies. It's really important that their father do this, so they know that he still has time for them and that they are still relevant in his life.

Caitlyn - posted on 03/14/2010

That sounds a lot like my step-kids bio mom. :( Why are women like that.

Kathryn - posted on 03/14/2010

Make sure that the step kids do not feel like interlopers in your family. Do they have their own room or own space? are they aware that they get more privilages due to their age? have you explained that due to their age, they do not need toys like the younger kids do? Make sure that certain privilages come with age, and stick to that age for when the bio's get there. That way the older ones will know they have been treated the same.
I have 2 step sons, 2 bio's from a previous relationship and my husband and I have 1 together. Our family works very well because we have been very clear on the rules and how things work so there is no animosity.

Barbara - posted on 03/13/2010

You don't. Thats her problem. You just love them and when they get old enoughThey'll realize who loved them unconditionally. Children learn what they live. So just give them your love and don't try so hard. They'll figure it out in time

Judy - posted on 03/13/2010

Sounds like bio mom needs a swift kick in the .......! Kids can never have enough adults in their lives that love and look after their best. SHE is doing the harm and one day it will come back on her if you take the high road. At the same time keep a diary of comments the kids tell you about and read over your hubby's divorce papers.... there may be wording about not disparaging the other parent which is what she is doing.... you might have a case for a warning letter from a lawyer. It might be enough to shut her up.

Kristi - posted on 03/12/2010

Remember that "actions speak louder than words". Show them that you love them and they will know it.