Step parents attending parent teacher interviews?

Selina - posted 3 days ago

I have never attended a meeting with my step sons teachers. their mom tackles that but she keeps us informed of whats going on and talks to me about what we can do to help them here and at her house. my ex however is different. he asked my husband to attend meetings for my girls because my husband is the one whos here and my ex works so much he don't see them as much as he would like. the thing to remember in my opinion is that its not about us....its about the kids and them being happy and know that they all have a strong support system. you may be divorced but have to work together for the kids. my ex gets along with my husband and I get along with hubby's ex. we have to for the kids.

Jennifer - posted on 05/07/2013

When parents get do not honor their commitment to one another and get divorced, remarriages should be expected. Those "new" parents should not automatically be considered the enemy just because they married your ex. I've been on both sides of it. I would have loved for my ex's wife to love my children, but she didn't and treated them very bad emotionally and my ex did nothing about it. And, at least one of them will have to be in therapy once again as an adult to deal with these issues. She has come to the realization as an almost 21-year old that she needs this to help her work through the issues she still holds onto.

Fortunately, I remarried a man who loved my children as if they were his own to the degree that the younger of my two daughters calls him daddy and doesn't really think of her bio dad like that because of his semi-abandonement. She is 16 now and i have been remarried for almost fourteen years. My older daughter thinks of my hubby as a dad, but just calls him by his first name. However she still goes to him and not her dad because she can trust her stepdad in ways she never could with her bio dad. Many times she will go to him over me! :)

Bio parents should put their own feelings aside and do what is in the best interest of the child. Bio parents need to realize that the ex can't be with the child every minute during their visitation time. Many times they are with the stepparent. The stepparent is making them dinner, helping with homework, tucking them into bed, etc.... You as the bio parent can make this easier or more difficult. Don't put your child in the position of having to pick sides. If you do, you are deliberately choosing for your children to have to go through massive amounts of therapy when they are adults.

Jennifer - posted on 05/07/2013

Julia - That is an inappropriate response to someone who obviously loves this child. Many stepparents do not like much less love the children they marry into. She should be commended for her efforts, but sit back and let the bio parents handle the conference. It sounds like you may have some issues yet to deal with from your own broken relationship. It only helps a child to be loved by as many people as possible. It's the selfishness of parents that get in the way. It's not the child's fault that mom and dad divorced. He is caught in the middle. By putting all selfishness aside, this child will be allowed to not only be loved by many but also to thrive.

I had to do this with my own children when my ex remarried before me. When my daughter said "now I have two mommies!" I just sat back and smiled, with my heart breaking, and said, "yes, that's neat." I let my kids form their own opinion of their dad and stepmom as they grew up and that's the best thing I could have ever done. My ex did not extend the same courtesy to me, but it resulted in him having a horrible relationship with our daughters, among other things.

Jennifer - posted on 05/07/2013

You should mostly just be seen, but not heard. Since the child lives mostly with his mother, and has visitation with his father, the two bio parents should be the ones interacting with the teacher. You should just be there for support. Also, let his mom know that you would love to help her implement the same types of care at your home for her son when he is at your house. That would probably help alleviate a lot of the strain. She needs to know that you are not trying to step in and take her place. This is just what comes with marrying someone who as a child already when you get married. I've been on both sides of it as the bio mom and stepmom. If she knows firsthand from you that you are not trying to threaten her place as his mom, she might not feel as she does about it. But, this needs to come from you and hubby should support you.

Missy - posted on 05/01/2013

Does your spouse want you there or do you want to be there? It's important to know the difference. If your spouse wants you there and there is a bad co-parenting relationship than I suggest that he set up a seperate conference for the two of you to attend.

I have never attended a parent teacher conference for my step-kids. I have spoken with some of their teachers and attended school events. But, since I don't have the authority to make any changes that might be needed it sort of doesn't make any sense to me to attend. My spouse is capable of informing me of everything at a later time or calling me on the phone if he wants my perspective.

My bio-son's step-mom does attend parent teacher conferences. It's never bothered me. Sometimes she has a question that I havn't thought to ask. Last time we where at conferences the 3 of us (ex, stepmom and myself) where waiting our turn and the ex wondered off somewhere. Our turn came up so stepmom and I went and spoke with the teacher. My son's history teacher thought we where a couple. He looked a little disappointed when the ex wandered back to the table. Other times we split the list down the middle. I speak with half the teachers and they speak with the other half and then we meet up to discuss anything that is needed.

The important thing to remember is the child and what is in his best interest.

Julia - posted on 03/31/2013

Absolutely not! If the bio mom has said she doesn't want you there you have a lot of nerve to try to muscle your way in. Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages and if you divorce the father some day you will likely no longer have a relationship with the child. I think there are a lot of step parents out there that WAY over step tge boundaries. I worked on a committee for my sons school for 6 months with a woman who presented herself as a parent come to find out she was the dads girlfriend volunteering at the school behind the mothers back. It was a terrible situation and embarrassing to the kids. Stop trying to play house with another woman's babies and have some of your own.

Crystal - posted on 03/26/2013

Oh and all you negative, rude people should be ashamed of yourselves!!!! We are talking about raising a child, who the heck are you guys to tell her to back off and treat her like she is some second class citizen??? That child and every other child will be better off having all the people that are in their life on the same page and helping them out.

Tara, his mother sounds like she is just being childish and jealous. You go to that meeting, it is only going to help their child having all the people that love him there together to look out for the best interest of his future.

Crystal - posted on 03/26/2013

I think you should absolutely be there. You are an important part in the child's life and should be kept in the loop of what is going on. My fiance and I have separate conferences with his ex and my ex doesn't go to our children's things usually but she knows that I go and at first she did not like it either but now she is used to it, most of the time I am the one calling the teachers and sending notes and what not. I am home with them when they get home from school, I am doing their homework with them and I deserve to know what is going on, as do you. It is not just my fiance that is affected by decisions regarding the children. We are a family and we work together, it affects us all and all adults involved need to be involved in every aspect of their bringing up and well being.

Danielle - posted on 03/15/2013

Once my ex remarried, I started setting up a separate conference with the teachers so I wouldn't have to put up with her. I worked very hard with the school & the teachers to make sure they include BOTH parents on communications as it's wrong for them to assume giving info to one parent will result in both parents having the important information.

Sheri - posted on 03/12/2013

I think there is way to much drama over the step-parent issue. It is about the child. I am a step-parent to six children with 5 different mothers. (Yes, my husband was not very responsible when younger.) There is a different relationship with each child and mother. The answer depends on the child and the situation. If the child has special needs for his education then everyone should attend. If there are no major 'concerns' there should only be the parents. If for some reason your husband could not make it I would expect you to stand in. Also if his bio-mom is not giving his education the attention it needs you should fill in. For example, I have one bio-mom that will not attend parent-teacher conferences because they serve her no purpose, even though our daughter has learning issues. I go to meetings every month and fill her in. I know it feels like you are being left out...but does it matter if you sit there for fifteen minutes or to keep a healthy relationship going for fifteen more years? Plus with this being his first year in school maybe she is just feeling a little more sentimental. By next conference things might be diiferent. Hang in there. Love him. Maybe you can go with to the school and have your step-son give you a tour while your husband is at the meeting. I bet you both would enjoy that :)

Christy - posted on 03/11/2013

I think if it is going to make the mother uncomfortable then no you shouldn't attend. You can still be a part of the child's life and your husband can fill you in on the details.

My daughter is facing the same situation about parent teacher conferences. She has sole custody and is responsible for all decisions regarding her son. The father's new wife is not allowed to be alone with my grandson by a court order due to abuse that she has inflicted on him. She has also threaten my daughter with harm. In her case it would be extremly uncomfortable for the stepmother to appear and obviously the only reason she would want to appear is to intimidate my daughter.

I understand that most likely you are not the evil stepmother that my grandson has and are truly concerned about the child. I commend you as a child cannot have too many people love him or her.

Colette - posted on 02/22/2013

I think you are completely within your boundaries, especially since you have 2 more days than most normal visitation. I am a step-mother myself, and I've been around my stepdaughter since she was 2. We have normal visitation, every other weekends, plus the summer and holidays rotated. It's interesting to see how adament some women are that you have overstepped your boundaries, that it's the dads responsibility, not yours.....all of these comments must be from mothers. The problem is, they are forgetting that this is about the child, not them and not your husband. If you and your husband are concerned parents (since I believe that a step-parent should embrace a stepchild in the same manner as their own child), then I see no reason why you shouldn't attend parent-teacher conferences, or any school activities.

If the mother is throwing that big of a fit, then I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to just request a separate parent-teacher conference than the mother. We had to resort to that, and it works out just fine (the teacher's have never given us a problem about scheduling two meetings). Mom, Dad, and Step-Mom (or Dad) should do whatever necessary to be involved in the child's life, education and extracurricular, and to make sure you are informed just as much as the mom and dad, since you are going to be an integral person in that child's life. This concept of overstepping boundaries is nonsense, just bitter women who are mad that their husband moved on and found someone to be happy with that isn't them. They are right, those women will always be that child's mom, and it's not a competition, it's about loving that child and caring for them and helping them grow up and learn in the best environment possible.

Ida - posted on 02/17/2013

Let's make it clear. Your husband is responsible for his child. You are not. The problem with step parents is that they do not realize they are married to their spouse but legally they are not a parent. If the mom or dad expresses for the step parent to stay out of child rearing then they should honor their request.

Ida - posted on 02/17/2013

You are not foolish. You just have over stepped your boundaries. A child has visitation with their father. Rather than you encouraging your husband to step into his role as a father and build a relationship with his children, step mothers tend to step in the Father's place.

While you are a parental figure you should not be. Get out of the way and require your husband to be the parental figure his visitation requires him to be. This is even more imperative if the child is a boy

Shandra - posted on 01/17/2013

I commend you to want to be in your step son life. Some step mother would not be actively involved as you are. Something of this nature is a touchy issue because one, you don’t want to be overbearing or over step your boundaries with the bio mom and two, you don’t want a conflict to erupt between you, your husband, bio mom and your step son. One thing is to consider is have your husband, yourself and the bio mom and maybe her date get together for a lunch or dinner date. You can express to her the reason why you would like to be there for the parent teacher conference. Explain to her what you like your role to be in your step-son life and listen to what she would like your role to be for her son as well. Let her know that you just want to be there to know his strength and weakness in school so when he visit you know first-hand what everyone can work on to help him do better in school. If that does not work and she is still persistent that you don’t come than unfortunately because of her wishes and that is her son don’t go. Just because you want to build a relationship with your step son and you want to make sure that you are able to do that. I hope this help some and take care

Eva - posted on 01/01/2013

Sorry, but you have as much right being at your step child's parent teacher meeting as I do. Kids have two parents mom and dad. Mom (not bio mom, just mom) and dad have rights. Mom and dad are forever, step parents are not.

Just because your legal title includes the word parent, doesn't put you on equal footing with mom. Grandparents also have parent in the title, doesn't make them equal to mom and dad. That rediculous. Legally, stepmom and grandmother are both legal strangers. Legal strangers generally don't have rights to other people's children.

Unless you want to either see your hubby lose custody, visitation, possibly in jail, or hurt the relationship he has with his children you would back off. It would behoove you to lookup third party interference clauses and overstepping step parents, and what happens when step parents attempt to replace mom. Try making medical decisions, signing school forms, or encouraging / allowing step child to call you Mom or any derivative of mother against mom's wishes. The law is very black and white and what you feel matters not. If mom takes dad back to court you're not even allowed to be in the proceedings and if you are you don't have any say. Judge won't even let you speak. Interfere too much and mom can have a restraining order placed on you. How would you like being forced outside your own home whenever kiddo is there? It can happen and does happen.

I know it hurts to think about it this way, but it's truly what's in the best interest of the child. It's in everyone's best interest if step mom knows her place (butt out) and lets dad and mom do the parenting. Mom and step do there best to get along and provide a nurturing environment for the child. Instead of viewing yourself as another mom or bonus mom, look at yourself as an Aunt or family friend. If you have the children you care for them and love them, but you don't undermine their mother. Would you try to over rule decisions made by the parents of your niece and nephew? Probably not, but you still care for them whenever you have them and set the rules for your home.

You can't be a better mother to a child than the mother. Cause you can never be mom. No matter what you say how you feel mom is always mom. Stop thinking in terms of bio mom as well, unless you have legally adopted the child. Mom is not replaceable even if she is not a good mother she's still mom ( this comes from a step-daughter with a terrible mom).

Robyn - posted on 12/03/2012

sorry......from where im sitting the "step parent" is looking to get brownie points from any body they can,including over stepping the boundary's to there role as the "step parent",i don't believe a child leaning ability will improve just because the "step parent" has show up at there "parent "teacher interview....it is called "parent" interview for a reason,so they as the mum and dad have the best understanding of there child(children) NO ONE can be there for there kids the way a mum and dad can.i feel if a "step parent" wants to be so involved its about them and not the children.

Melissa - posted on 11/09/2012

On a personal level my feeling is that if you are involved in educating your step son at home then it is in his best interest for you to participate in conferences with his teacher. It's obvious his bio mom has animosity towards you (for whatever reason) so seperate conferences would definitely be best for all involved.

The other side of this is that legally his bio mom is correct in that you don't have a "right" to anything when it comes to your step son. Let's just say for some reason your husband couldn't make it to the conference and you attempted to go alone. It would actually be illegal for his teacher to speak to you about your step son. If in the future you and your husband were to divorce or your husband should pass away you wouldn't even have the right to ever see your step son again.

So yes, your son's step mom sounds like a real piece of work, but she is correct when it comes to your "rights" or lack there of when it involves her son.

Lisa - posted on 11/03/2012

I DEFINITELY think the stepparent should go. My husband's son's conference is coming up this week and I bet his mother will not be really pleased with me that I'm there, however, I am responsible for him every other weekend and every Wed evening for homework etc. My husband and I not only make sure he does his homework but we always want to be in the know on his progress. I'm also a certified teacher in our state and will actually be able to help better inform my husband about needs that may be addressed. I would never settle for stepping aside for the bio mom's sake. This conference is about the needs and progress of the child, not her.

Lisa - posted on 11/03/2012

I DEFINITELY think the stepparent should go. My husband's son's conference is coming up this week and I bet his mother will not be really pleased with me that I'm there, however, I am responsible forger son every other weekend and every Wed evening for homework etc. My husband and I not only make sure he does his homework but w always want to be in the know on his progress. I'm also a certified teacher in our state and will actually be able to help better inform my husband about needs that may be addressed. I would never settle for stepping aside for the bio mom's sake. the conference about the needs and progress of the child, not her.

TyC - posted on 10/12/2012

There is nothing wrong with you going to the conferences. My husband and I found that it was better for us to schedule a second appointment with the teacher, so that we were not attending at the same times as their mother. Although now, she never lets us know when they are, we don't even receive mailings from one of the schools... I would do something about it, but it is not my place and my husband would have to take the next step.

Erica - posted on 10/06/2012

Wow, I don't want to be rude Micha, but I do NOT agree at all. We Step moms are not just babysitters, the second part of our title is PARENTS. We feed and dress and help with homework just like biological parents, why must we be treated like second class citizens??

I go to EVERYthing for my SKs. School stuff (including permission slips), doctor appointments, all of it for my three SKs. Their mother isn't in the picture and their dad works a LOT, so I do all of those things for them. For all intents and purposes I AM their only mother(the only one around). They call me mom(completely on their own with ZERO encouragement) and I'm it, all the "mother" they have. If a stepmom loves and cares for her SKs enough to want to be involved in their education, why not??

Robin - posted on 09/07/2012

Absolutely you should be there. I am a mom of four and remarried when my kids were in they're teen years, and my current husband attended parent teacher conferences with me and individually if I was at work. The point here is that it is not about any of the parents involved, it is about the child. If you all have parenting time with him then you are all parents, whether his mom likes it or not, it is not about her. There are going to be times he comes home from school to your home and needs help, or someone will have to sign something etc. You need to be in the loop so to speak so that you can help him as well. My ex-husband dislikes my current husband, and has nothing but disparaging remarks to make about him, but since all of the time my husband has been with them, he has never said a bad word about their father, he has even said that he is not trying to supersede their father by being their dad, he is the step-dad and he is okay with it, they call him by his first name, and in the long run the person who they come to for advice and direction is their step dad, because he has never gotten into the whole game that my ex-husband plays. Is it easy no, and as a woman I imagine it would be more difficult, we are a little more emotional about things like this. Do not let his mom's negativity about your situation interfere with what at your heart you know is correct, you are a parent, act like one. ps: it also really helps the teachers to know if the kid has a multilevel family, so they know the need to contact all the parents not just the ones who think they are the only ones who count.

Amy - posted on 09/06/2012

NO your not foolish. I would go to them if she cares about her son and his education then she should want everyone on the same page. I was in the same boat you are and I didn't care what the mother had to say if she doesn't like it make her own appointment with the teacher. we have my husbands kids every weekend and when we first started dating she pond them off on us so we had them 24/7 for over two years she would have them less then 24hrs on the weekend she says do to her work hours :/ but i took all the kids to there doc. / dental and any other appointments they had everyone thought i was their mom i would correct them cause i wasn't and not trying to replace her but thought it was sad first time she had to take them she didn't know how her own son reacted to getting shots come on these are your kids not mine you should know better then anyone but whatever. so yes i would go to everything so long as the kids wanted me there its for the kids so it's up to the kids unless safety is involved so don't feel bad. but she and I don't get along but we do infront of the kids. I feel it is my husbands job to talk and work out plans not mine i didn't have kids with her he did. you are their step-mom and you should pat yourself on your back for even caring about someone elses kids that much :)

Annette - posted on 09/04/2012

Technically, you don't have any more right to be at the parent/teacher conferences than his grandparents do. But if your step-son were living with his grandparents, they should be attending, too.



The best thing for your husband to do would be to request a separate time for his and your parent/teacher conference, from his ex-wife. It's better for everyone.



Personally, I go to EVERYTHING. But that's also because the children's mother goes to NOTHING. She lives in a different state and last year didn't even bother to introduce herself to the teachers until she decided to take a vacation to our city so that she could attend an assembly where both kids were getting recognized for academic achievement (it was a quarterly assembly). Even if she lived in our city, however, I'm sure that the children's father and I would DEFINITELY attend separate conference times than their mother.

Amber - posted on 09/04/2012

Since the biological mother has a problem with it, stay out of it! Plain and simple. All you are going to do is create turmoil if you go against her wishes.

Mischa - posted on 09/04/2012

Tara, you do NOT have the right to be there. You are NOT the legal parent, and thus you do not have Legal custody. Please don't take my posting as being harsh or judgemental because I am going off on the obvious here: you have his best interests at heart. But you are a bit misguided- unintentionally. Only but on the following circumstances: a. Mother gives written consent (easier to refute in court should a problem occurs later) b. she is hardly around (0% visitation avg) AND she is NCP.

You are the STEP Parent. Know your place and know your boundaries. That's great you are married to the father...but that does not imply that you get rights or even decision making rights. You cannot even so so much enroll him in a program or sign off on field trips! (I'll elaborate on this later as it pertains to legal custody matters). You are not a parent. You are overstepping your bounds IF you show up on any meetings or give school-related consent. If I was the mother in this case....I would be not only pissed but felt invaded. Especially, if I was CP! Also, the parents (not YOU) can LEGALLY make decisions about the child since all schooling matters, permissions, and consents, fall into the jurisdiction of LEGAL custody. What I do suggest you do, since you do help out with his schooling at home, is that give written feedback on all problems, challenges, concerns, questions and progress that you have observed. This gives the father something to take with him to the meeting so it appears that he is 100% informed and well supported by you. That is something that is incredeibly helpful to him and appreciated. I would definitely do that. It's better than getting an earful -or court time- from the mother. Especially, if the father is NCP, you do not want the mother to bring up your innapropriatre behavior in court (though well-meaning) inh court and ask the judge to refrain you from visits, reduce visits, or get them supervised. unnecessary drama. Good luck :-)

Grace - posted on 09/04/2012

No my dear Tara; you are not being foolish but rather the biological mother is. If it does cause any commotion for you to attend these functions, discuss with your husband the pros and cons of you being there and what effect it has on the child. If you agree your presence will cause some discomfort to the child, then gently explain to him why you will not attend but ensure to create a circumstance that will warrant your attendance with him so that he does not fill empty inside by your absence for the previous meetings.It may be an educational tour to the zoo or anything informative that you can come up with.



The other option too could be for your husband to talk to his ex regarding your attending these meeting as it would have a positive effect on the child. Basically, the mature people should be in position to keep their problems to themselves and try as much as possible not to involve the innocent child in it.

This may cause the child to be filled with bitterness as a person and will later in life begin to wonder whether he was the cause of his parents misery hence separation. This breeds a bitter child into a bitter adult, filled with rage all the time.



So be careful and analyze what the side effects will be to this child 10-15years from now.

Ashley - posted on 09/02/2012

That's funny because I know of a divorced couple (I guess that means they aren't a couple anymore), that both went to them at the same time. The daddy brought his parents (the kid's GRANDPARENTS) and the mom brought her friend. Neither of them are in relationships currently. But for your son's biomom to insinuate a grandparent shouldn't be there... kind of weird. There's nothing wrong with whoever wanting to support the child to be there, especially if you are close with him. If I were you, I'd have your husband ask the teacher for separate parent teacher conferences. The teacher should understand completely, it's happening more and more lately. Avoid the problem, do them separate.

Rana - posted on 09/02/2012

You would think she would be happy that you want to be so involved in what he is doing in school. You are part of his life and I'm sure he is thrilled that you are taking an interest in his schooling. As adults you should all be able to put your differences aside and do what is best for your little man. I always tried to be there for my step-son for all his school and sports activities. He wanted me to be there so I guess I never really gave it much thought what his mom wanted. lol But by all means you are in no way being foolish for wanting to be involved! Just because you didn't give birth to him doesn't mean he can't be your too. ;)

Mandy - posted on 09/02/2012

your not being foolish at all, nice to see an actual step parent caring and showing the child their love & support!

Donna - posted on 08/29/2012

No you are not being foolish. Its just that the other woman is insecure in her position as an ex and wants to hold on to anything or anyone that give her a feeling of attachment and empowerment. speak to the mother of the child and outline your reasons for wanting the best for the child

Linda - posted on 08/28/2012

no do it she has no right to say anything couse she isnt married to you and your husband so she cant say anything

Amanda - posted on 08/17/2012

I am a step mother to an 8 year old that I have been involved with since he was 19 mo. old and I attend them, as my husband is my two older children's step father he attends theirs and then we have 2 together and 3 nieces plus 1 nephew we raise and we will surely attend theirs and ask their parents to do so. Most schools allow you to set up a different time for your conferences that way there is no conflicts and such at them. I encourage all parents, step parents, and guardians to attend any and all the child/children's school functions as much as they can. The other parent should feel glad to have another person care for their child that much.

Chris - posted on 08/14/2012

As a stepmom and a bio-I believe any parent can go. If my sons step mother wants to attend, she is most welcome to do so and if she does not want to go that is okay too. Bottom line, it's about the child's academics- its not about a pissing contest and if you ask me, having all parents on the same page and all in the "know" so they can all support the child academically-is pretty darn cool!
With my step daughter-when we had her during the week, I absolutely attended the meetings. And when we only had her on weekends-I did not attend the meetings because she wasn't here during the school week. However, my husband and I had our own touch base call with teachers to keep us in the know....soon, it will shift back to having her weekdays-so I will start going again. I could not even imagine making a child's academics about anything other then-the child's academics.

..... - posted on 08/14/2012

its just his first year at school, there is not much too it but to encourage his learning abilities. Give the mom a little break and maybe let them do a few on their own before you step in.

Chanda - posted on 08/14/2012

When my stepkids' maternal grandma was living with them at their mother's house for a year, she went to the conference because she was the one babysitting them after school, helping w/ homework, etc. I saw no problem with that. My only problem was the double standard expecting me not to be there because I'm not "blood". I'm a legal relative, I qualify by the IRS to claim them on my taxes, so it's nothing at all like having a "babysitter" attend the conference. (Babysitters get paid. Parents don't. It's pretty obvious to me which category step-parents are closer to.)

I wish their dad took a more active role in their schooling, but like most men he doesn't. If I don't help them with homework, it's the kids that suffer. It would be nice if their mom could ignore her injured pride and focus on what's best for the kids. Anyone talking about "respect" for the bio mom is focusing on pride instead of the kids.

Chris - posted on 08/10/2012

Every teacher I have ever known-is more than happy with a step parents involvement.

Jo-Anne - posted on 08/08/2012

I'm a stepmother and my husband is a stepfather. I certainly did not need to attend parent-teacher conferences for his children. In fact, he didn't even go after elementary school; their mother was a great mother and he didn't have custody. My ex would have loved to go to get control of the decision-making (unfortunately that's why a lot of non-custodial parents like to attend) but he lived a long way away and rarely saw them. Since my children lived with us (from the time they were 4 and 5) and my dh looked after them frequently, he went to some of their pt conferences. If there are two parents at a conference, that's plenty. What insight do you feel you would be able to offer that is different from the child's mother and father, Tara?

AMY - posted on 08/03/2012

You should be there, you are very much a part of his life and should know what is going on. Bio-mom will eventually one day have to get over the fact that you are going to be in her childs life. It will all work out eventually (hopefully).

Mel - posted on 07/28/2012

Tami,

It is ridiculous to state that because the step-mother cares for the child while at her fathers that she needs to go. If this were true, so would the babysitter, the grandparents, and anyone who cared for the child. Man, what a full room that could be.

The term step-mother is often abused. By definition(websters), it means the wife of one's father when distinct from one's natural or legal mother . Which means, a stepmother is your fathers wife if he is not with your mother. It does not make a woman a mother. This is a parent teach conference. She is not a parent to this child. Now, don't get me wrong. She acts within a parental role to the child when the girl is there. She can love her with all her heart but she is not the PARENT. She is not legally, morally, nor financially bound to this child. Yes, her finances are affected because of her husband. Yes, the stepmom can choose to go to court with the father but it is his name on court documents and the legal binding birth certificate.
The parent teacher conference is for the parents, UNLESS and let me state it again UNLESS someone else has taken that role because of circumstances. If both parents do not want her there, she doesn't belong. Yes, I know there are times when stepmoms can go and should go. However, this is not one of them.

Tami - posted on 07/28/2012

The more people that little boy has to support him, the better! The fact is that the step mother usually bears the bulk of responsibilty for the child as the father is working, resting ect- just as if it was your own child and should be involved in all acpects of their lives. Bio mom should be grateful to have you but the truth is, she is probably still dealing with her own insecurities and jealousy issues.

Valerie - posted on 07/26/2012

Thank you Bernice. I have been surprised at some of the vehemence of some of the posts here, blaming ego or selfishness on the perspective of wanting less involvement from the step parent. Like you stated, he put this woman in charge of our children as a means to get back at me and so that he could still go to work and have someone else take care of them besides me. I have tried to be as rational as I can in my situation (which has its own unique background) and I firmly believe the step mother in my situation is an unhealthy person whom I need to guard my children from. But I have plenty of real life examples within my own family of blended situations which have worked out wonderfully and everyone seems to get along. I would have happily adapted to a similar experience, if only they had approached her involvement differently. But from the very first week of our separation, she took it upon herself to fill out medical and official school paperwork for the children, she tried to sign my youngest up for extra preschool days without consulting me, she participated in all my divorce and custody proceedings at his side. She made it possible for my ex to not work, forcing me to get a full time job so that I could provide for my children and then she volunteered at their school taking the place that I was forced to give up. She made it very clear that it was him and her against me. Who could stomach such a person taking care of your children? All I want are reasonable boundaries, and that the privileges of parenting go to me and their father first, then her. If anyone is wondering, I have never done anything to this person, I am not a drug or alcohol abuser, or any kind of abuser. I am a very involved parent and have only tried to make decisions in their best interest.

I know there are plenty of situations out there which the child can thrive from having a good step parent, and I would encourage anyone in a blended situation to get along. I have heard many sad stories of a step parent trying to do all the right things and still getting rejected. I imagine it must be hard for the girlfriends and new wives, wanting to please the father with showing how well they can take care of his child, and I'm sure there is sincere affection for the child involved with that too. It will never be an easy situation and the only hope is that the children in the middle of all this, feel loved. So that is what I try to focus on, making sure they know I love them and that I am there for them. There probably will be more conflicts to come, but I just keep reminding myself to keep my children's best interest in the front of my thoughts and hope that I can come to a point with this person where we finally understand each other's place in all this.

Bernice - posted on 07/26/2012

Valerie, I am in the exact situation. I have never even met the "new girlfriend" and she is caring from my six year old... rubbing vick's on him when he's ill, making decisions about what he can and cannot do and it is just despicable. To all you girlfriends / step moms... have respect for the bio mother and show it. Just because the father thinks it is okay - have some common sense and do what's best for the children. Some of you contribute a great deal to the problems that separated/divorce parents have over their children for whatever reason. Common sense - put yourself in the bio mother's shoes or for that matter the bio father too and make an effort to be respectful of that child's mother. And maybe also think about if the father wants you that much involved much too early on, could it be because he is using you to fill that spot that he can't in caring for the child?

Bernice - posted on 07/26/2012

Parent teacher interviews is "parent" teacher interviews. You are not that parent. Respect the child and the parent and sit this one out. There is a time and a place. This is not your place at this time in this child's life where he is probably already confused about it all. Your husband can fill you in on the details. I don't get at all why women seem to want to push their new realtionships into the kids life. You will not only be causing friction with the child's parents, but you will make the child feel uncomfortable. Yes, you are being foolish.

Mel - posted on 07/26/2012

I think it is about what is best for the kids. Will your presence make the situation with EX uncomfortable for the children? If your husband is aware of the disgruntlement between you and his ex, he should ask that you stay home. First and foremost, do what is best for the children and not what is best for you.

Bernice - posted on 06/06/2012

Tara,
The mother is right. That is the job of the parents to attend parent teacher interviews. The father should take the lead and find out what the educators say and can relay that to you. At least you've asked for advise.
There are far too many girlfriends /step parents that cross the line and cause alot of the confrontation in a custody situation. It's hard enough doing what's best for your kids after separation.

Amber - posted on 05/05/2012

Stepparents don't need to be in attendance at conferences or IEP meetings. If the parents are there that should be enough. If the stepmom doesn't understand that the parents can handle these things without her she is the one with the ego issue, not the mom.

Marie - posted on 04/13/2012

NO NO a thousand times NO! any efforts to block you or lock you out of this out of sheer ego/fear from the mom. In my opinion, it is always better for the child if all parents/steps appear to be unified in the child's interest. I let my ex's new Foreign Bride attend my son's IEP meeting (with my son there) and even solicited her opinion ... it lessens the anxiety and bad feelings about divorce that a kid faces. If I were in your shoes I'd just do more listening than talking ... be there to be supportive. The more we all seem interested, willing to put our hurt egos aside and BE not civil but actually CORDIAL and WARM, the better the kid with weather the effects of divorce. IMO

Sofia - posted on 02/21/2012

I dont see anything wrong with you going to a parent teacher conference. Sound like bio-mom has her atennas tangled lol !

I am a stepmom and go to my stepkids conferences whenever possible. I also have a child who has a step mom. If she wants to attend, I dont have a problem with it. The more the merrier I say!

Sometimes people just dont know how to get along....too bad. it's the child that suffers.