Step son help

Megan - posted on 03/19/2009

Quoting Danielle:

Wow and all It really sounds like this little guy really needs to see someone if nothing else than to talk about his feelings.
Have you ever heard of attachment disorder? A ton of the things you have listed sound just like my cousin that has the disorder. Wow you poor things, I would really push the issue with a therapist for now and see if something can get going. Call your local DHS or even CPS office and see if they can give you a list of therapists. Good luck, I hope he gets in some place soon.

We've been pushing for ages for a therapist.

Before his father finally got custody of him his mother had put him in CAS care because she couldnt handle him so they were involved in the whole court process. All they cared about was making sure he had visits with his mother.

They knew firsthand from all three of his fosterhomes what he was like, even in their care he received no help. It was his father that got the assessments done and found a doctor that at least put him on medication.

We may try the local college and university since they have certain programs that deal with behavioural issues in kids, see if there is someone that wants to help while their getting their diploma or certificate. so far its the only thing we havent tried.

Danielle - posted on 03/18/2009

Wow and all It really sounds like this little guy really needs to see someone if nothing else than to talk about his feelings.

Have you ever heard of attachment disorder? A ton of the things you have listed sound just like my cousin that has the disorder. Wow you poor things, I would really push the issue with a therapist for now and see if something can get going. Call your local DHS or even CPS office and see if they can give you a list of therapists. Good luck, I hope he gets in some place soon.

Megan - posted on 03/18/2009

Ive been hoping to find an alternative school for him that goes by his own level of learning like a montessori style that works on not just the acaemics but other subjects like social behaviour. That way instead of making him feel like hes getting more work from an assistant school like sylvan, only trouble is finding one. Oddly enough in high school I was considering going after an ECE diploma so I researched a lot of the different learning style alternative school types, I noticed however there is an extreme lack of any real alternative choices for kids these days.

He is lacking the pre-academic skills a child needs for school, his lack of social skills alone should have qualified him for some sort of program. When all three of our kids ended up with the JK/SK class last year the only social structure he had was grasped by my daughters social abilities. I believe that since he can hold a pencil and use scissors the school feels he can do fine.

It was plain to see from the get go that he had no motivation to even be at school that should have shown them that he was just not ready for it.

It was ruled that because of his problems that not only should he be in a modified program tailored to his needs but he should also have every sort of available help from the school.

Now see Kerri thats what I thought about him being ridiculed by the other students for lagging behind.

Kerri - posted on 03/17/2009

What about an Education Intervention Center such as Sylvan Learning Centers, etc.?  They may be helpful with the learning issues. 

Does he have a disability ruling for the school?  Once a ruling is in place this should entitle him to an IEP which should provide for special settings and special class assignments, etc. The ADD should qualify him for some type of ruling. 

I dont understand how the school could say that.  To me he would endure more ridicule from his own school age peers for lagging behind developmentally.  

Megan - posted on 03/17/2009

His skin picking seems to be his own way of dealing with a frustration, he does it while in a time out or if you try to discuss with him over an issue that is bothering him.

His doctors know of this behaviour and have basically told me to just ignore it, Im worried that if I do he could make himself sick.

The school has flat out refused to allow us to hold him back a grade, their response is that he would be ridiculed by his younger classmates and he should be with his physical age peers.

We cannot afford a tutor, but there are certain things that a tutor just doesnt teach that he needs to learn and us teaching him seems to hinder rather than help on certain subjects.

Kerri - posted on 03/17/2009

The skin picking could be a problem.  Are the physicians aware that he does this?  This could be a form of OCD.  Maybe you could google it and see if his symptoms fit before bringing it up to the physician.  There are medications that do treat this.  Google "skin picking disease or OCD skin picking."  It is a condition where people obsessively pick their skin and create large sores.  Sometimes the sores can go deep into the skin tissue and sometimes even into the muscle. 

My brother suffered with major issues with aggression and misbehavior as a child.  His teachers and the school kept telling us that he was just acting out because of my father's death.  He was kicked out of school in 6th grade.  He was sent to an alternative school for children with behavior issues.  However, the environment was so terrible there that we took him out and home schooled him. This made matters even worse.  In the 9th grade he was still studying 6th grade level work and just could not pick it up.  We took him from one counselor to another trying to get help.  His doctors would tell us he was fine.   We tried everything we could but they always told us he was fine.  He never grew out of it.  It got much worse when my mother remarried.  He was diagnosed at age 20 as bi-polar, manic/depressive.   

Have you given any thought to a tutor that might could help your son?  Have you guys given any thought to holding him back a year so that he could catch up? 

Megan - posted on 03/17/2009

thanks for the replies.

We've tried the positive reinforcement style parenting and though it works in the short term (a few extra minutes of good behaviour) it doesnt seem to be getting any longer than that im afraid.

What you've all stated is basically the way I raised my kids. With him though you could literally be stating something positive and as he hears it does something negative. Most I try to just either let slide or comment on how it could have been dealt with better and just leave it at that. my worry is on his not so safe behaviours such as picking at his skin almost until it bleeds, trying to claw at his skin. Things that if you let him sit and pick at it could in fact become unhealthy.

We've talked with not only our family physician but also a child psychologist, both suggested medications. When he was 4 he had a developmental psychological test done to see where he is compared to other children and was put down as a 2 year old mentally, going by what I know he still seems to be at least two years behind his peers.

I do know that his mother does set him off at times  since lately she has even told the child that his father isnt his father, she also breaks our rules and overly spoils him to the point where he is bouncing off the walls when he gets home from a visit. I know that right now he cant really show her how much she means to him but I know that the bond is extremely strong.

My worst fear is that he is taking the attacks on me and using them on his teachers at school, we've told the school exactly what we know and they just ignore it and try to treat him like a normal child. including giving him work that is obviously too advanced for him to properly take in which frustrats him and then sets off his triggers.

We've tried reward charts and extra times with who ever he chooses or let him choose something special to him.

As for medication he has already been on several different types already and the effects dont last, hes on two right now, one for behaviour and one for sleeping. We had noticed he was having problems falling asleep and so tried finding a way to help him out thinking that his lack of sleep may be affecting his impulse control, the only difference is that he has more energy then us! lmao

As for triggers we have noted some that are obvious but there seems to be many times when it just stumps us what could be the issue.

We would love to get him in at least councelling but every where we go he is rejected, they see him once and tell us he is a normal boy who will grow out of it.

Let me put it this way about the school he is in: in february he punched his teacher then threw some items at his classmates. On another day he misunderstood his teacher then ripped up his valentines day cards up. There were some other smaller incidents in which he was sent home with only vague details on what the problem was, the first incident he was suspended for a day. Well, last week he came home with a certificate for february stating that he had excellent respect for the whole month of february. I am sure they could have picked amore appropriate month to award him with something, but respect after those incidents just doesnt make any sense to us.

He is given the same classwork as all the other students and expected to keep up, you can clearly see when he is doing his homework that he doesnt understand what he is doing. All the school seems to want to do is to keep him with his physical age appropriate peer group and push him through the system.

Several times I had even suggested a play therapist, just someone he could go to to "play" with and talk or work things out with. A neutral person to go to, I was plainly told that I was a neutral person and he should just learn to come to me if he needs it. I know that I am not neutral because to him I am like a replacement of sorts to his mother (I know this because he has told me so on his own and because of my own experiences as a child)

The only resentment from his parents past relationship that I can see is the not being able to parent properly issue. I dont think that they do that on purpose but it could be an issue. But his father dotes on the boy quite a bit and doesnt try to push him away because of those issues.

My big question to anyone who has dealt with a child like this: what is the likelyhood that he will "grow out of this" so to speak like we are told? the tantrums I can deal with, the dangerous behaviours are what I am worried about.

Thank you for the ideas!

Kerri - posted on 03/17/2009

Hello Megan...Here are a couple of thoughts that I had while reading your post. Forgive me if they seem random and out of order. 

You mentioned that the child likes music, dancing, etc. These things could def be used to help him control his anger and aggression. Use time outs where he is allowed to pick a song or songs that he feels calms him down. Help him identify his triggers - this may take a while. Once he figures out his triggers give him the ability to "Opt out" of any conversation, situation, etc by saying - "Hey I am getting stressed here - I need a minute." Then have him use his songs that he picks to help calm him down. Ok I know this may sound fruit loopey but it does help. It may not work in every situation but music can be a very helpful relaxation technique. Also, have you thought about getting him involved in some type of music or dance lessons, guitar, piano, drums, etc. It sounds like he needs a more positive way to focus his aggression and maybe a constructive music setting would help with that.

My mother is an artist and it is a very, very expensive hobby! Maybe you could help him "build" an art trunk by using the supplies as a reward for good behavior. Make it clear to him up front - in exchange for "X" days of good behavior you will receive "X". Continue to remind him of his potential rewards for his behavior. Be sure to follow through on his good behavior. When the supplies are not being used, they go in the trunk and the trunk is locked. This will hopefully prevent him from being able to destroy the supplies. Maybe offer an art class as incentive for better behavior. 

Everyone has their own opinions on medications. I am a middle-line type of person. I think that some medications can be helpful, others habitual and harmful. My son has DMD and has been on several different types of medication, including Ritalin, Klonopin, etc. I would talk to the child’s physicians and see what they suggested. Has he been formally diagnosed with these disorders? If so, then the schools should be aware of the diagnosis and what it requires. Does he have an IEP? That would be a good place to start with the schools. I have found that if they have an assistant in the class that they will not do a one-on-one situation. However, it is that assistant’s responsibility, in my son’s case, to help him.

The son may be dealing with some jealousy issues. This can cause resentment and aggression towards others. I think counseling would be helpful to him. Does he have health insurance? Most insurances will cover mental healthcare needs also. Where do you live? In MS there are several state agencies that provide mental health care such as counseling, etc. With your s-son’s diagnosis he might qualify for some of those benefits.

I would suggest to be very positive around him.  Constantly comment and reward for every good thing he does.  Punish for the "big" negative things that he does.    I hope some of this helps!

Tammy - posted on 03/17/2009

Also I noticed on profile you only list your three children but you say your husband has full custody, could there possiblt be some resentment towards the child because of all the drama he causes and that is further isolating him and making him feel ignored which causes him to act out more???   Not trying to judge so don't take offense just trying to help.  We have all been there at one time or another I think.

Tammy - posted on 03/17/2009

My oldest son was like this he is extremely gifted and easily bored and I was going through a horrible divorce working alot to make ends meet and dealing with 4 kids so what he really needed was attention and he would get it in a negative way.  I know it sounds weird but give him alot of positive attention when he is being good.  Praise him for just sitting still and not causing a comotion.  Whenever you can tell him "wow I really like it when you behave so nicely. Thanks for setting such a good example for your brother and sisters, ect.."  Really over do it at first and you'll find that  evetually he will conitue the good behavior to get praise.  It may be hard but at the same time ignore the negative behavior.  When he acts out just tell him that you will not put up with or deal with that type of behavior and really stick with the ignoring.  If he starts to destroy things, pick up the stuff around him so he can't get his hands on anything else,but don't look at or acknowledge his behavior.  My son still has a temper problem but considering I was in tears almost everyday and ready to ship him off to military school the occasional outburst is so much better.