The dreaded Ex and her never ending bitterness.....

Holly - posted on 01/08/2010

Our situation is a bit more difficult. Ok my fiance and I have 5 kids all together. Five girls ages 7, 6, 4, 3, 5 months. The 6 and 3 yr old are his from a previous marriage which is not final yet cause she gets a bug up her butt every now and then and wants to carry it out longer. the 7 and 4 yr old are from my previous marriage. I get along with their dad for the most part but he still cause trouble every now and then. and my 5 month old is from a previous relationship. but heres the catch. My fiance ex and my baby's biological father live together as well. But now he is fighting me for visitation rights. The only problem I have with this is he has alledgedly molested his step daughter and now my fiance kid I am still looking into that one. He has admitted doing things to his step daughter to me, but people keep telling me that he was not convicted so there is nothing I can do about it. Well I am working on that.
In the mean time I deal with my fiance ex a couple times a week cause I am a stay at home mom and they both work so I watch the kids.
When they started this divorce almost a year ago she did not want these kids to be around me at all. And fought and fought to make sure it was in the divorce papers. Well she shows up on my door step the other morning crying saying she has no money for daycare or rent or anything and asked me to watch them. Me thinking of the kids first, I am not going to turn them away!

Cidalia - posted on 01/08/2010

In reply to Candace Dickinson: I know what you're talking about: I'm in Canada too, and the system is truly messed and is penalizing second families (but only for the non-custodial parent). Don't give up. If you are certain that her household is making more than yours, you may consider going back to court for a support reduction on the basis of "undue hardship." Make sure it's the right thing to do though: In general, only the support payor's income is taken into account (as in your situation), and the reason the law is that way is so that people like you and I don't have to contribute child support for step kids (I have my own kids to support). On the other hand, when there's a situation where the custodial parent is in a household that is now bringing in more income than the non-custodial parents, and there are children living in the non-custodial parent's home, you can file for undue hardship -- at this point the court will want to also see the NCP's spouse's income as well. Which would be fine if you are both receiving less than her household, because her household income would be looked at as well. Just be careful: If you think at some point in the future, you'll be earning a good income, don't bother... you don't want an order that effectively would make you pay support for your step kids. I'm back in school and expect my earning potential to skyrocket at some point, and with all the money my BF is paying for child support (50% plus what we spend to have the kids here every weekend), I am not going to penalize my own children to pay child support for his. I love them, but my kids are just as important. I would move out before that happened. I will gladly spend money on my step children and on their needs, but I will not put any of my hard-earned cash in the hands of his ex and her parents (who have custody of the kids) while they sit around all day, unemployed or underemployed. Just some things to think about. I apologize for the rambling.

Cidalia - posted on 01/08/2010

I'm thinking she should have been taken to court a long time ago. I always advise people to keep dated notes (in a notebook) on everything.. visitations, phone calls, how the drop off went, any complaints the kids made, how the kids looked (clean? clean clothes?), keep phone records (we've dealt with issues of denial that dad tried to contact the kids, and we had the phone records to prove they were lying), take pictures: good and bad... good times you have with the kids, and anything bad that needs to be noted (tattered clothes after coming from mom's house, etc.). Having an outside witness to some of these pick up or drop offs would prove handy (and have your witness write a date note regarding the "transaction"). Then, if it ever is needed for court, you or your lawyer has something to work with. She should have had her access reduced to supervised access only with pick ups and drop offs happening at a supervised access center.

Rebecca - posted on 01/05/2010

My huabnd and I have been dealing with pick ups & drop off for 13-years. So when the oldest turned 16 we *GAVE* him a truck so that he couls drive himself and sister to our house for visitations. Well when his son was a pregnancy scare in his senior year, my husband revoked the truck and told the *GROWN* (13 & 18) children that if they wnated to return to our no0rmal visitation schedule they could but that they would have to drive here. We haved seen them since.

Cindy - posted on 12/30/2009

Hello,,I too have a ablended family.. Mine are all grown and out on their own but yes, I did have the same problem... We too stopped everything. The ex got sick of being with the kids 24/7 and started cooperating. It didn't even last half as long as I thought it would... Within a couple of missed visitations things started going our way..Of course the ex was bitter for the long run and it ended up biting her in the behind. Both children ended up moving in with us..One at the age of 11 the other at 15. Neither child has anything to do with her, which I thought was sad at first, but because of her actions on just letting the past go. The children grew up well and balanced... I agree with you one hundred percent.. playing the game only hurts the children more.. good for you!!

Nancy - posted on 12/27/2009

O my-- this somewhat sounds like my hubby's x-wife! She has so much hatred toward me (the new improved wife)--she refers to me the same exact way! That's just jealousy that our relationship is much better than theirs was. She constantly puts the kids in the middle of every situation. She brainwashes them with things their father done--things that aren't even true--she tries to make us to be unfit parents. She would even put guilt trips on the kids and say things like "if you go with your dad, I'll kill myself". I'm sure you pretty much have an idea of what this woman is like. I have 2 step-daughters. The ex has kept the 13 year old from us for the past year now--and it isn't the first time she has done that. We have been back and forth to court numerous times, but in Philly, the men get screwed; Well, he did, anyway. We fougtht for 3 yrs. and got nowhere--all we got was a few thousand dollars in lawyer bills that we just finished paying off from 3 yrs. ago! His older daughter came to live with us when she was 16 until she was 19 because it was just sooo horrible with her mom. She now is 20 and has a place with her fiance. Her mom is the unfit parent! She has no idea how much damage she has done and how much more damage she is now to his 13 yr. old, by keeping her from us. There's a little peek into our world--that's not even the half of it!

Heidi - posted on 10/28/2009

I applaud your husband for finally standing up to his ex and the spoiled rotten kids. It is unfortunate the brainwashing that has made the kids into who they are (irresponsible and inconsiderate), unfortunately tha is what happens when a mom like that poisons and sets the example. I only wish my husband would stand up to the nonsense and abuse! I have 6 of my own kids, my oldest stepson ran away to live with us when he was 15 and is now 19, and I have 3 more stepkids that the psychowitch poisons, abuses and pulls the same tactics as so many of you have commented about. It is so sad that there are so many psychos out there and so many kids being manipulated and turned into monsters by these psychos. I think you and your husband are doing great. If the kids call and say they want to see their dad, that gives him an opportunity to stand up and set some boundaries such as where to be when for him to pick them up. Good luck! Thanks to all of you for showing me that there are options and that there are some people who do stand up to this kind of blatant and unnecessary abuse!

Alexandra - posted on 10/16/2009

Holy shit I didn't realize there were so many of us out there in the same boat!!!! If I ever figure out how to deal with the ex in our life I'll post it but for now I feel better just reading this stuff. It's good to know I'm not alone but at teh same time, depressing because as I read about these seriously crazy women I realize that my husbands ex fits in there to a T. So much for thinking I was overdramatizing her. Good luck all!

Andrea - posted on 10/06/2009

I am in a similar situation. I have two step-children and one child from a previous relationship and one with my boyfriend. My boyfriends ex has always been a little coocoo as we call her, she throws fits like a child if she doesnt get her way.His ex always hated the fact that he was actually happy with someone so she would constantly call him and ask him stupid questions like is he happy or does he miss etc. just garbage. I cant even count the times that he has told her to only call him if it has something to do with the kids and she still does it (3 years later). She lives with her sister, her sisters boyfriend, and her sister horrible kids. They have to share a room with those horrible kids. (they have there own rooms at our house) She never watches them she leaves them with her sisters boyfriend all the time because she works night and sleeps all day so she doesnt pick them up from school doesnt help them with there homework (they struggle with reading and math), doesnt make dinner for them (sometimes we wonder if she even feeds them), she doesnt really do anything that a mother should do, but the only thing she cares about it having her childsupport because if thats late the first thing she does is call. She uses the kids as leverage and for money. We have tried several times to get her to sign her rights over but she wont because then her money will stop. Shes also said that she doesnt want the kids to see me as a mother, but it would be hard for them to understand what a real mother is growing up with her. When we first together the kids were so whinny and cried for everything, i had to whip them into shape now they know to use there words for what they want and throwing fits wont get them anywhere in life. Its just very frustrating to have to deal with a person like this. It feels good to vent and to know that there are people in the situation as us.

Victoria - posted on 09/23/2009

I am in a similar situation, or at least my husband has a similar ex. My step-daughter, 11, lives with us since she was taken away from her mom at the age of 3. Her mother refuses to speak with my husband, or even email him. We constantly have to deal with her either being angry or depressed after she returns home from visitation at her grandmother's. (her mom won't tell us where she lives). She uses my step-daughter as a messenger and a spy, having her try to negotiate visitation changes and sending messages of what her mom 'disapproves' of. Her mother also tries to talk her out of anything she wants to do if it falls on a visit day - she has been guilt tripped into quiting softball, soccer, volleyball, and currently her mom is trying to get her to quit the swim team. She has also been discouraged from joining dance classes, horseback riding, and anything through school b/c it may fall on a visit day. Her mom either tells my stepdaughter how upset she is that she is choosing to spend her visit that way instead of spending time with her mom, tells her that she could have gone to ....(museums, zoos, movies, etc.) if she wasn't at her sport, and tells her that she 'would be better if she got the ball over the net' or 'only fat girls play softball' Her mom has convinced her that anytime she gets punished, we are abusing her. (we don't use physical punishment).

Sorry, I guess I'm just venting too! I just wish that my stepdaughter was given a chance to be a kid and be happy without her mom ruining it for her!

Elda - posted on 08/26/2009

Oh, they have clothes here....BUT they are TEENS and they HAVE to have certain things with them when they come. That's why I referred to my hubs as a "push over"..he would actually drive them 10 more miles in the opposite direction (this is after going to their house, no one being there, then driving back to the city to get them at a random location!!) to let them get stuff they don't actually require! He's always tried to be a peace keeper and do gooder...to his own undoing at times. I keep logs of everything and have since the beginning for those "just in case" days. It's almost rather pointless but I do it out of habit. Going to court over anything is almost fruitless and more time and money consuming than anything...we opted out of ever doing that again after child support was modified 3 years back. In all fairness, we have tried to be courteous and pliable since the beginning...dealt with the antics- the ex calling and telling us we can have the kids b/c she can't deal anymore, kids calling screaming and crying b/c of what she's saying or doing to them; all the delusional behavior, lies and stories she'd make up about my husband and/or myself....all the while we would keep to ourselves. Defend ourselves, of course...but we did not ever and have never tried to reciprocate the craziness. Some people just want to be in control because they have no control over themselves. She tried to manipulate and overly control what went on in this household with the 3 kids...and we've slowly put an end to all of that over the years. Sometimes you really do have to stand your ground with a mentally unstable bully and that's the only way to reasonably handle some situations. And as of right now it seems to be working..she has brought them over without incident the last 2 weekends. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.

Brandi - posted on 08/25/2009

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation. I have 4 from my previous marriage. My ex hates the fact we got divorced and is still to this day trying to convice me to"come home". He is a terrible father. Jailed 3 times, does not want to work.he wld rather his girldriends work while he writes lyrics. He teaches the kids how to shoot guns and even gives them beer.

A few years ago, he was to have them for the summer. I got a call at work there was an accident, my girls ages 4 and 6 at the time were home alone and he had the two boys in the car across town drinking and driving. the car flipped in a ditch. Nobody had a seatbelt. Instead of him waiting for the ambulance. he ran because he did not want to go back to jail, He had my boys hiding behind the house of someone to avoid the police. Long story short, his girlfriend reported the car stolen and he got off scotf free.

I called the police, I called social services, I called the law complex, even spoke with a judge personally. Legally we have joint cusotdy after the divorce and I have been told I cannot keep the kids from him, he has a right, what the kids say happened doesnt matter, I even recorded their statements in hopes of a court case.I was told by an officer it cannot be used in court. I was told to hire a PI and get him for driving w/o a license. The PI wanted $75 and hr. His girlfriend and cousin actually confirmed the events. Nothing happened. I refused to let the kids go back for months.

Still trying to make things work so the kids can have a relationship...he started to get them every other weekend. I used to send clothes...and never saw them again. This point I was not getting child support, no help at all from him. He had his grandmother buy groceries for his house!! We buy their school supplies and clothes. Football and cheer equipment. He does nothing but get them for a few days, drop them off to his sister or mom, and leaves until the next day. I stopped sending clothes. He needs to buy his own set. I send the kids in their play clothes. Outfits I dont mind not getting back. Things they are close to outgrowing. he has countered with sending them back in his other kids clothes...2,3 sizes too small. He will put the boys in HIS clothes that are way too big!! I send them right back in a bag.

Maybe he should get a court order to meet at a certain place at a certain time. Document what she does. keep a log. lIf possible call an officer to accompany him so he can have it documented as well. Dont let the kids suffer because of an adults ignorance. This summer he was to get the kids again. It started off fine for the first few weeks. The kids would come home here and there so I can see them with my own eyes. I started hearing how daddy was homeless and living at a different hotel each week. I started to yank them home. They thought it was cool...so i let it go for another week. They started getting tired of him and the moving. What was cool swimming and staying in a hotel room was starting to wear off big time. The last straw was when he called me and I had to leave work to get my kids because he got into an argument with his mom and she kicked him and the kids out. Hell no, I got them and told him this would be his last time seeing them. I meant it. Two months passed and his mom called to get them for the weekend. That was fine.

If he has to buy more clothes, send the old ones,. Send the old shoes. If a decent mother cared, she would buy them their own things. Who wants to walk around looking good and your children are tore up. No that is not cool. He has to be strong and reassure the kids he loves them without making mom seem like the bad guy. the kids will see that on their own. I dont talk bad about my ex (too much) the kids see he doesnt call, no christmas gifts, doesnt show to games, etc. They see for themselves.

Tricia - posted on 08/25/2009

You don't mention if you have any court papers? Although court can be a pain too at least then you have a leg to stand on when it comes to visitation and pick-ups/drop offs. I have two step daughters and their mother is bi-polar and not medicated for it....She tries to causes problems and change time/location for swap and we don't allow it. We do allow her boyfriend or their grandmother to drop them off to either of us if she can not bring them herself. If he can get them maybe you can. We have them half the week and she does not dress them in what we feel is appropriate so they have a complete wardrobe at our home. It is a pain for them to have to bring things back and forth. Hope this helps a little,

Cidalia - posted on 08/23/2009

May I just make a suggestion ... with regard to the children not having any clothes:

Perhaps your husband should have clothes for the kids at your home. That's what I do for my stepkids. And to avoid losing clothes when they return, they change when they get here, if I need to, I wash the clothes they wore from their grandparents' home (ours live with their maternal grandparents), and then we send them back in the same clothes they came in. I don't know what you can do about her making problems during pick up.. if she cooperates with dropping them off, fine, but if she doesn't, he will have to go back to picking them up because, after all, it is his access visit, and his responsibility. And also, keep notes of everything, dated, of what exactly happens at every pickup (were the kids there, did she change plans last minute, etc.). It's a "just in case" you ever need it for court. Good luck. :)



And BTW, I understand what you're saying about your hubby slaving in the hot sun for 10 hours a day -- mine does the same thing, then has to drive to another city and back for his access visits (his kids live out of town). It's a pain.

Pamela - posted on 08/18/2009

I am in a similar situation, my husband has an almost 9y/o son and his mom is the worst government schemer known. She is collecting child support not only for this son, but her other 7y/o son as well; she was on financial aid since she was pregnant with first, her mom has been on it for yrs as well, low cost apartments, food stamps, the whole nine yards plus more. At first I didn't believe the child was my husband's and made him order DNA test, came bacck positive; so child support was ordered, but he was unemployed at the time and we had our twins (2 yrs old) and another on the way, so court had him pay very minimum he can pay according to them was $200/ month (not complaining) she used to literally live right up the street so visitation was fine until she moved a lil farther away visits became once every other wk, then she moved 156 miles away and visits down to once every couple of months. My husband has been working w/ current company for 3 1/2 yrs now and had 15hr days (driving) so he did not want to drive more when getting home, so the first few times we would alternate, and from there on she got her power trip and would not let him come down unless we brought him backas well. For a while we would meet "halfway" (now I realize I was going 2/3 of the way) and then she would mess up constantly "her car broke down", "has no car", or "she has a headache maybe later or tomorrow"; to the point he started missing a lot of school. Understandibly she'd get mad and wouldn't let him down for a long time. Now we both have made it a point if he has no way up we will NOT pick him up.I had offered to have him stay an entire school yr w/ us because he has been getting into A LOT of trouble at his school, Ex. fights, pulling down pants, running from teachers, and the most recent which I have REPEATEDLY have suggested counseling, but neither my husband or her are willing to take him & I tried making the appt & was told I had no authority to take him,a gang rape on his friends cousin.This COMPLETELY shocked me when I heard the story coming from his mouth I was in tears thinking these little kids have lost their innocence,and she said since it didn't happen on school grounds it was never reported to anyone except the families involved and according to her the lil girl was like nothing new happened.I was still willing to take him in, but he is always saying nastythings around my other kids, and recently tried "humping" my son, I drew the line there and told her he is not welcomed in my home until he goes to counseling, & I have nothing against her or her son but I will not tolerate the behavior and that is why he should go to counseling.She has called since then to send him over & I ask if he has started counseling yet when she says no I tell her he can come for the day but cannot stay the night. I pray for him to get thru this period when he's w/ her and I would love to have him w/ us but I don't want to risk my other kids safety

Candace - posted on 08/14/2009

I am in a similar situation, I had a daughter from my first marrage and my husband has two from his previous we then had a son together...how ever we have not seen my step children in almost a year. My husbands ex was charged and plead guilty to assulting me in 2006 and now her boyfriend has been charged with uttering death threats to my husband. We have been together for 9years marrried for3.

We have gotten child servces involved now and there is a thing called parental alienation and it is a form of neglect. this is when one parent talks down another so much that the children begin to hate the parent targeted.

But hte part that realy gets me is she can be charged and her boyfriend but they still have the kids? plus we are still required to pay her childsupport.

Another thing I think you should know about is something called retro-active childsupport in Canada. My husband was paying his support every month for 6years. His income went up slightly but I stoped working and had a son so our income was about the same. When we took her to court for visitation change(because she would not work with his work scedual) she told the court that my husband was not paying enough per month and because the courts donot take her boyfriends income(he is a welder) she looked poor. SO she won $12000 in retroactive support,even though we have paid every month for 9years. now we pay her the table amount( in CANADA) plus 200 more till paid off.

The system is messed up...but in Canada if you get the vivistation POLICE INFORCED then they will help you get kids. But you can also charge her and take her to court for going agains a court order.

Im not sure where you live but where I live there is a free court mediator, that will do what is best for the children and will help you for free.

It is not easy to be the second wife, especialy because we get to pay for all the real dead beats!! However Iam a child of divorce and my mother alienated us as much as she could, she did what she wanted not what was best for us kids and I now DONOT have any relationship with her! I learned to survive when I was with her( told her what she wanted to hear) but I knew My dad loved me and as soon as I could get away I did!

Donot give up..the kids know the truth inside. I hope I helped.