wedding

Brid - posted on 06/11/2010

im in the same boat as you im getting married in sept and like you my partners ex is nasty she has never liked me [which doesnt bother me that much] we have an funny suituation when we met i had 2 kids and he had 7 we have 3 together 1 of there kids lives with us full time another 2 come down every weekend and everytime there off school as we are getting married on a friday it is akward for the kids because if she knows its our wedding day she will cause murder [she is drunk every day but social workers have it in the heads that if they pop in now and again the kids will be ok] i mean this is the woman that doesnt even clean her kids heads its left up to us so the kids have asked us to talk to the school and get them off for the day because your kids are small i would suggest that you tell his ex that the wedding is schelued for two weeks after you actually get married tell her you changed dates etc and the weekend you get married let her think its only a dress rehersal she might let them go if she has it in her head that they wont be there the following week or so i really know how you feel it terrible that you have to concele your wedding just to have the kids there

Tania - posted on 06/10/2010

unfortunatley it is a messy situation. My husbands ex is one sided.. as long as it works in her favour, shes happy,. when we need something or want to change our weekend, it wasnt convenient to her. We had to arrange our wedding around our visitation or they kids wouldnt have been there. That was 12 years ago and the oldest one decided when he was 12, he'd rather live with us. So she now wont talk to him much and he is approaching 19. Very sad.

Aneliese - posted on 05/31/2010

Yes, he has visitation. We have the kids on average 10-13 overnights a month (almost half/half) We pay 1000$ in childsupport. We have the kids every day off from work. And yes she has met me, at first she hated me (just cause I was with her ex) now we get along. We go over and beyond to get along with her. We took vacation off work for her so we could watch because she wanted to drink at a wedding. We sent her a Mothers Day card from the kids on Mommy day. We bend over backwords for her. Its hard to explain...some days she is nice and get along others she is just trying to control our lives. She is very vindictive. We have been dating from a year and a half...and I have been around since the little one was 3 months old. The kids are 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. Last summer was very mean to the both of us. She would come over without calling and just drop the kids off so she could go shopping or get drunk. One time she dropped the (at the time) 7 month baby off at our house with a 101 temp, so she could go to the bar...and I stayed up all night with him holding him because he was sick. It is jsut a very messed up situation.

Gene & Erin - posted on 05/31/2010

If he has visitation then he get to see them. Whatever he happens to do during his visit with them is his business. Did you schdule the wedding during his regular visitation time? How old are the kids? Has bio-mom gotten to meet you?
Remember you catch more flys with sugar - but being nice sometimes just adds fuel to the fire. Let dad handle it.
If all else fails, have him send her a note (certified mail) and send a copy to his lawyer expressing his desire to exercise his visitaton with his children. If she refuses to give him visitation (unless he's a dangerous person - which I doubt) a court will tell her to get over herself - or you can have police officers escort him to her home to get the children.
As a side note - Has he been exercising his visitation regularly? If he only shows up every two years, or when he is trying to impress a girlfriend shes got the right to tell him to grow-up. And (as in my case) check his judgement - see what he should be getting. My 1st hubs can only visit w/the kids with in a certain distance from my home once a month (he was pretty unstable when he left). So if you live in another state or something like that she may get to overrule his request. Or if you are determined to have the kids there, then you plan your wedding around his visitation.
And don't take ANY of it personnally. Even if the two of you think shes crazy she is trying to do what is best for her kids (hopefully!) And there are always two sides to every story. She may have valid reasons (in her mind) not to let dad have them.
As a mom and a step-mom I feel for both sides. And I learned in my first marriage that "joint legal custody" means that in an ideal situation the parents would still discuss stuff concerning the kiddos - however, the custodial parent normally gets the say so on everything (thats just the way it is).
Is this your first marriage? Congratulation! Enjoy your wedding however it happens.

My darling husband and I loaded the kids up (6 then) and eloped - it was a very simple ceremony (most of the kids missed it, it was quick) then we ate at a near by Chick-fil-a (cause it seemed "fancier" than the Burgar King across the street). Our simple little thing makes for a funny story. It doesn't necessarily reflect our deep love and devotion. We now celebrate our family anniversary, the day we became one family.

And you will be helping this mother to mother her children while your new husband has them. Show her all the respect you can muster (or that you feel you would deserve in her shoes). The more she can feel she can trust you the more she will trust dad.