What to do about children receiving gifts from ex's inlaws, while other children get nothing

Tawna - posted on 08/11/2012

Hi! Married , neither hubs or I have kids BUT I was the ours kid in a his hers and ours family. I was so aware that my sisters and brother had "other" parents, that I thought something was wrong with me because my parents lived together( side note there are 10-14 yrs Btwn me and my siblings) . They would come home with gifts but blessed enough they were opened at their bio parents house. The age difference helped but also much to their credit , my parents exs usually included a small token gift for me ( dollar store stuff). Ironically after my only grandparents passed when I was 8 my dads ex MIL "adopted" me, took me shopping went to grandparents day things . I adored her. My parents explained that my sibs other parents got them gifts and I was fine with it. My parents were full custodial parents to my sibs so I thought it was normal for sisters to have different names than you:) hang in there!!

Karen - posted on 02/02/2010

I understand where your coming from. Stepdaughter not only gets grifts from us but from my family and her momthers family plus her stepdad soon to be x stepdad and moms new boyfriend. .. I've gotten to the point where she opens all those gift at their house. So my son doesn't see it. She may bring one or two new things here when she comes but that's it.

Also at times my parents go overboard I make sure my son doesn't open all of hi stuff either if she doesn't have the same. She doesn't care anymore. She 16 but when she was younger I was very strict on this.

Heather - posted on 01/25/2010

Sometimes you have to just put your foot down. Tell them that you are happy they want to give the kids so much but its not fair to the others so if they cant do it for all then please dont do it just for the few. If they are grandparents you really cant exspect them to never give there grandkids anything so just tell them that that needs to be like birthday gifts or something else when the day calls for just those kids. You will have to exsplain to your other kids that although its not fair its from there other grandparents.
Hope things work out for ya

Tammy - posted on 01/25/2010

I have been divorced for about 7 years and and getting remarried in June. This Christmas my kids went to their dads and brought all the gifts from his parents and family home with them. We had to explain to my fiances 4 year old who lives with us, that they had gifts from their dads family and then a while later, My fiances sister brought gifts to the house only for his daughters and none for my kids. It didnt bother me or my kids. I think it just needs to be explained to the children that they do have other family sides in their lives.

Jessica - posted on 01/21/2010

Please let me know how to deal with this issue! I came into my marriage with one daughter (who is now 6) and my hubby had one daughter (now 11) and we have two daughters together (2 years and 6 months) and I am tired of my husband's daughter getting all the attention and my daughters getting nothing! Not even a honorable mention! No cards nothing. If you figure it out please let me know!

Karen - posted on 01/19/2010

Hello Diana! If you have a decent enough relationship with your ex in-laws I would suggest you talk to them and tell them your concerns. It sounds like they could certainly afford to be generous with your other two and might possibly understand? If they are dense and uncaring at least you will have tried to allow them to be kind,and be blessed by including the other ones into their hearts also. I am sure you have prayed alot about this... and it is one of the sticky messes that comes from us not staying true to God's design for marriage. sigh... I am in a second marriage also, and am very happy that I am divorced from my ex, but it has been a tough road at times also. Time is an amazing leveler... and kids grow up and are very aware of much more than we realize. The better values we can instill, the more they will not like what they see also if the ex and family act like turds to your new family. God bless you sis... read Romans 8:28 and Praise God for His unfailing ways. :)

Lillian - posted on 01/18/2010

I am in this situation also, just slightly different. I have 2 children of my own with 2 separate fathers and my husband has 1 child from his previous marriage. My mother buys for all 3 equally or not at all, because we all open gifts there together as a family. My oldest daughter goes to her father's and opens gifts. My youngest also goes to her father's to open gifts. My step-daughter also goes to her mother's to open gifts. Now with that said they all also go to their other grandparent's with their other parent. the tricky part is, my husband's family (in-laws). They (mamaw, papaw, and 2 aunts) have a tendency to spend more and buy more for my step-daughter than they do for my 2 daughters. I have expressed my concern to them and my husband, after my youngest cried and asked why they don't like her as much. I gave them a choice to either A: give my step-daughter gifts privately and the gifts may not come to my home. Or B: spend an equal amount of money and have an equal amount of gifts for all 3 to open. Unfortunately, they don't see why it causes conflict. I am still trying to get them to see but have had no luck. This past Christmas, myself and my children didn't have Christmas with them at all. I would love to tell you it will all work out in the end, but I'm still praying my will work out. Good luck.

Glory - posted on 01/10/2010

Ok....I am married. I have two oldest kids from a previous marriage, and I have three from my husband now. My two oldest children would always come home with presents that their side of the family fave them. My three youngest children of course they get nothing from them. My three youngest kids get gifts from myself, grandma and our family. When it came down to holidays, my mother in law would give all my five children gifts. Although she bought all the kids gifts, the three little ones got a little bit more. Of course they are her grandchildren. I have to say, although she did not buy in quantity equal for all five, she did buy nice things for my other two. When my two children use to come with gifts to the house, I would explain to my little ones, that the two oldest have another family. and that they are not as lucky to have mom and dad together. Yet the little ones have the advantage that mom and daddy are together, and when they get gifts, sometimes they get a little more than the older kids. But the older kids are fine and satisfy because they realize that although My mother in law (my two oldest STEPgrandma) gives them nice things, they realize that is ok that the littles ones get a little more, because they have a grandma on the other side that showers them with gifts. So my two oldest, since they where little I explain to them that sometimes people are going to give their little brothers and sisters a little more, but is only beacuse they know that my two oldest are very much involved with their dad, grandma aunts, uncles cousins ect. and they are showered with gifts by them and they are not mising out.
So to answer your question, your oldest children should never hide anything they get from their side of the family, they should be able to express their excitement, and come home happy. Because remember, in the other hand they are missing out on on mom and dad under the same roof. also explain to your youngest children that they do have that advantage, their family is complete. I have three kids with my husband. FOR INSTANCE....when my kids where little.... My mother in law will buy my Daughter (5 years old) A big kitchen, all the utensils, bunch of toys, let say about ten gifts. She would do that for all three of my kids...For my oldest which is ten years older (let's say he was 10) she would buy him a total of five gifts. They would be five very nice gifts,,,she did not spend $100 on him but enough to make him feel special. From when he was little, I would explain to him that Although the little ones sometimes get a little more, is not because he is love any less, but that he was lucky,,, not only to get from this side of the family but HURRAY!! for him because he collects from the other side...as for the little ones, when my son would come home with a whole bunch of gifts, excited to show them to me and his sibilings, I would explain to the little ones that the two oldest don't get as much as they do, beacuse they have another family that gives them stuff...so in reality it really balances..

Treasure - posted on 01/10/2010

It truly isn't fair of people to think that way! My in-laws didn't buy for any kids one Christmas because they didn't have the money to buy for all six kids. Another year, they gave hand-knitted scarves and blankets for gifts to all. My Husband's ex-father-in-law is still in my stepchildren's lives, and he buys gifts for all of the children at Christmas time.
Do your older girls get time with the ex's family at all? If so, make it to where the gifts are opened at the other location and at least the majority stay there. Shannon's ideas are great too!

Sheila - posted on 01/06/2010

i never tought about that part, my sons are from my first marrige. My ex's family give them gifts all the time, as does my new husbands family. But if my husband and i have a child together i dont think my ex's family will include them...something ill have to think about

Jenny - posted on 12/30/2009

So many varying responses, I have 3 children 19,17,15 from my marriage(been divorced for 9 years) then a 4 yo old from past relationship. My relationship now involves an extra 5 kids-19,15,13,10,5, so 9 between us!! My ex parents inlaw give to my eldest 3 and 1 from prev relationship, it would be so hard if they now have to include the other 5. although my partner now's parents give to all. I'd prob suggest the allowing to go to the other familys place for their xmas gifting, and explain the relationship as they get older. Otherwise try lots of smaller cheaper pressies spaced out as each get their additional gifts. Mainly for the younger ones. The older ones seem to understand the Dynamics.

Jaclyn - posted on 12/29/2009

I agree with other posts. If the gifts are from the ex's family, they should be opened at one of their homes. When the kids get older and can understand the family situation, it won't be as big of a deal. But when they are younger, they don't understand, and it's not fair for them. You might also suggest they buy one or two gifts and open a savings account for her or buy her savings bonds with the rest they want to spend. The girls will know they have it, but the younger kids won't necessarily see it to be jealous and saving for the future is always a better investment than 20 new toys!

Keisha - posted on 12/28/2009

While you can't make your ex's inlaws buy gifts for your other children, you can control what comes into your home. I would try to explain nicely that you treat all your children equally and the excessive gifting to only 2 out of 4 children causes an unnecessary rift. I would ask that they either give more modestly or even better, let the gifts get opened at your ex's home. Unless they are monsters, they should understand.

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2009

Wow! Well, we have some of that, but I'd just suggest letting the kids visit the x's parents for a few hours some time over the holidays and open the presents there (this is what ours do). There's no need for them to all open their presents in the same place at the same time. If the in-laws live far away, I would have the kids open them up privately and advise them to not make a big deal about it since it might make the other kid(s) feel bad. I would not shortchange the oldest girls with less presents from you to even it out...that will make them feel slighted. While the youngest can't expect gifts from grandparents she doesn't have, the older girls can and do expect gifts from parents that are equally theirs.

Fiona - posted on 12/24/2009

I had that problem with my new in-laws but i asked them not to differentiate. it took them a while to get used to it. After all, the kids are still related to them through marriage. All of my children are treated the same regardless of who their parents are!

Tera - posted on 12/24/2009

Yeah I know the how that is and it does suck . However , they do have to understand that they have another family outside of yours and their dads . I come from a blended family myself and there was at least 4 Christmas in a row that I didnt get anything on my stepdads side , and it hurt . But my mom was amazing and explained to me what was going on . She then explaineds to my older step sisters that I would be getting a few more presents from Santa under the tree because I didnt get as many gifts as they did ... and that seemed to work out . Good luck and hope all gets better .

Shannon - posted on 12/24/2009

Oh yes it was a problem in our house for one Christmas. My step daughters family thought it was okay to bring her tons of gifts for only her. My husband and I have three other daughters and our Christmas budget was split evenly between the four. Her getting all the extra gifts made my oldest cry because her sister had all these presents and she had nothing else to open. I put a stop to it after that year. The thing is they are all siblings living in the same house and should be treated the same. The way I handeled it was by telling them that they had three options and they could chose what works best for them. 1. They buy for all the girls equally, just like my parents do. 2. They buy her whatever they want but it does not come into our house, they keep it at their house. or 3. they can buy her ONE gift for her to open away from her sisters. They didn't have unsupervised visitation so option 2 was out. Each year the chose either option 1 or 3 but they stick to it because they don't have a choice. My oldest daughter died shortly before the next Christmas. One thing I won't forget it the tears on her face that Christmas because she felt left out and not as important. My other girls won't go through that on a day that is meant to be about giving and happiness. However you handle it just remember your children are siblings and deserve to be treated the same. Merry Christmas to you and yours!