Advice on getting my oldest to accept me as a lesbian

Nikki - posted on 02/06/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Does anyone have any advice on how to help my oldest daughter who is 10 adjust to her mom being a lesbian.? I was married to her father, because I was brought up with the idea that that is what you are supposed to do. I have always known that I love women and not men, but I wanted to fit in, and do what was expected of me. I finally could not pretend anymore; it was killing me. I got a divorce, and found the love of my life Amy. My oldest does not want to accept it, and she is embaressed that she has two moms. I tell her that we both love her very much, and that she is not the only person with two moms. I told her families come in all different ways, and that mommy loves her momma very much. She still gets upset that she doesnt have a typical family.

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Amber - posted on 02/23/2009

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Billie, and the others too, have good points. I am "Amy" in this situation. My partner has 2 kids, now 14 and 11, and we've been together for 4 years. At first both kids were easy going and accepting, but after a year the eldest became uncomfortable with us being in a relationship. Largely I feel this is more of the influence of her peers, her uncomfortability with being different (especially because it is not a difference of her own identity), and facing her own sexuality and questions. This is the age of waves of emotions and hormones. You stay constant. You show love, and give patience with comfortable distance when necessary. The consistancy that you and Amy have will heal the shock and uncertainty that your "recent" change has inflicted. Amy, too, has a battle of finding her balance in the relationship, and being there myself it's not always easy. I have no kids of my own, and there is that challenge to, to discover my own parenting nature. But recently I have seen that although I am here as a role model and a guider, I am not, nor do I have to be "the parent". I still haven't embodied that, but their dad is present in their lives, and they have a mother. And truly, even if neither of them were around, unless they instigate the "parent" relationship and they want it, I could never be that person for them. But instead, I am their Amber. And there is no other one like that in their lives either. Best of luck. Find peace and comfort with yourselves, and be happy. And know that you are raising a now becoming teenager, like everyother mom out there. Let her know that no matter what, she is your number one love, and you will always be there for her, and even though you have differences (which if you're raising an strong, smart, independent woman, you will, and those too will change as she grows) you support her, and hopes she can do the same for you.

Rachel - posted on 02/09/2009

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How long have you been with Amy? If it's fairly recent, then like any stepparent situation, your daughter may not be ready to accept her as "Momma". Maybe allowing your daughter more time to accept Amy into her life could help. By getting to know her, she may become more comfortable with the entire situation, although it will take some time. I'm very sorry that your family is not supportive.

Carrie - posted on 02/09/2009

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Maby its not so much that shes not excepting you...but with everything else going on around her since you came out is no doubt very stressfull for her,

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[deleted account]

i know how that feels my family did the same with me after 25yrs they just want to start talking and my children now dont want to know them

[deleted account]

talk with her and explain its normal for 2 weman and 2 men to love each other i know what you,r going through i have 3 boys age 14/17 & 19 who find it hard that im gay & was with another woman before i went with thier dad thier dad was the only man who was a right prick hope it work

Adrienne - posted on 08/28/2009

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i understand what your going through, i am currently going through the same situation, with my 14yr, but i went, and sort out some counseling for her, at a glbt center, that had a youth program, and my daughter would talk to the counselor for an hour then i would just leave her in the program for another hour ( once a week) so she can see that its not a bad thing, you have to get her use to it, because maybe her father ( like my daughters father) is telling her its a bad thing, and because your daughter may love her father alot she will take heed to everything he say, and you will be known as the bad parent. So the best thing to do is try to find other lesbian mothers with kids her age and make playdates so, she can see how other children are well adjusted to having two mothers.

goodluck,, its a process just be patient, and remember she don't have to accept she just have to respect...

Rebecca - posted on 05/25/2009

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HI. I went through all this with my daughter. She was fine when she was little, but as she got older and the middle school stuff started, she had a terrible time. She already felt like an outsider due to a recent move, and her peers were merciless at our small town school. She could never use humor to parry their attacks on her. They went deep. She finally rebounded, but it took many years and lots of anger to work through. The strength of your partnership is one of the main keys to success. My partner was always undermining my parenting and trying to replace me, and she allowed her children to be disrespectful of me. This caused my daughter to disrespect me. I am glad to be out of that bullying relationship, which I entered during a very down period in my life. I say stay solid and loving and matter of fact, yet sensitive to the childrens' feelings, and maybe check out if they are being hounded at school. Then you can be supportive and be on their side, discretely. There is always hope that families will eventually come around, too. Don't give up!

Resa - posted on 04/23/2009

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It takes time. My daughter is Seven. I came out a few years ago. She is adjusting but she is still very confused. Definately talk to her about how she feels. And what you can do to help her understand your lifestyle. It is hard.

Jacque - posted on 03/01/2009

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I think that the name of the book is, creatively enough, Gay Parenting Handbook.  Hope it's helpful.  My partner and I have been together over 10 years and have two girls, 5 and 2.  The older girl really had a tough time at 3 years old and cried every night for about a week saying things like "I just want one mommy and one daddy".  We had been ready Heather Has Two Mommies and the whole part about being "special" because you have two moms is all wrong.  Kids don't want to have "special" families- they want to have regular, "normal" families.  Once I figured this was the big issue for her, we got involved with some other lesbian couples who have kids and she hasn't had a problem since.   We found some other families at the local Unitarian Universalist church.  Good luck!

Katy - posted on 02/28/2009

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Wow I am going through the same thing just about.  i was stuck in a marriage for 9 years and that was the way of life and i had to live.  I had 3 kids with the dad and was never happy I knew i liked girls and it was very hard.  I have been with my girlfriend for one year now and so i am not to the point u r yet.  I just have to live it day by day and keep telling them how happy I am to be in this new life.  I let them know that no matter what Danyelle is not ever going to take the spot of there dad and they are doing pretty good right now.  but I know i have a long rd.  ahead thats for sure.  But good luck and let me know if you come up with any thing too :)

Katy - posted on 02/28/2009

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Wow I am going through the same thing just about.  i was stuck in a marriage for 9 years and that was the way of life and i had to live.  I had 3 kids with the dad and was never happy I knew i liked girls and it was very hard.  I have been with my girlfriend for one year now and so i am not to the point u r yet.  I just have to live it day by day and keep telling them how happy I am to be in this new life.  I let them know that no matter what Danyelle is not ever going to take the spot of there dad and they are doing pretty good right now.  but I know i have a long rd.  ahead thats for sure.  But good luck and let me know if you come up with any thing too :)

Katy - posted on 02/28/2009

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Wow I am going through the same thing just about.  i was stuck in a marriage for 9 years and that was the way of life and i had to live.  I had 3 kids with the dad and was never happy I knew i liked girls and it was very hard.  I have been with my girlfriend for one year now and so i am not to the point u r yet.  I just have to live it day by day and keep telling them how happy I am to be in this new life.  I let them know that no matter what Danyelle is not ever going to take the spot of there dad and they are doing pretty good right now.  but I know i have a long rd.  ahead thats for sure.  But good luck and let me know if you come up with any thing too :)

Jacque - posted on 02/25/2009

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I have to agree with one of the other posts---kids at that age have a very tough time being "different" and tend to be embarrassed by parents no matter what the sexual orientation. I let someone borrow my copy, but I'll have to get the name of a book I read on gay parenting. It was really helpful talked a lot about the "middle school aged child" and that particular issues you're going to have during that time.

Billie - posted on 02/14/2009

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Hi there,



My names is Billie and me and my partner Lizzy struggled for awhile with our boys i have one son and lizzy has four boys it took the oldest lad danny about a year to adjust to us we didnt push and answered questions he had truthfully.



danny is now well ajusted to me we are now very close it will happen slowly on its own try not to worry or push it



good luck



Billie

Nikki - posted on 02/13/2009

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I thank all of you for your advice, and support. You have helped me a lot. I have been with Amy for almost two and a half years. I will just have to wait it out. I just don't want to have her suffer cause of who I choose to love. It is hard to juggle kids and adult issues. My hope is that she realizes how much we love her, and that no matter what we are here for her.

Nikki - posted on 02/13/2009

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I thank all of you for your advice, and support. You have helped me a lot. I have been with Amy for almost two and a half years. I will just have to wait it out. I just don't want to have her suffer cause of who I choose to love. It is hard to juggle kids and adult issues. My hope is that she realizes how much we love her, and that no matter what we are here for her.

Nikki - posted on 02/13/2009

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I thank all of you for your advice, and support. You have helped me a lot. I have been with Amy for almost two and a half years. I will just have to wait it out. I just don't want to have her suffer cause of who I choose to love. It is hard to juggle kids and adult issues. My hope is that she realizes how much we love her, and that no matter what we are here for her.

Annette - posted on 02/12/2009

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My son is at that age too where he doesn't want people knowing that his mom is a lesbian, despite him telling everyone in kindergarten. My son is ok with friends knowing (that come over our house) but other than that he does not want to "punished" or discriminated against because his mother chooses to love another woman. We had a conversation and I had to realize where he is coming from and the age that he is. Your situation is a little different than mine, but I offer this suggestion - remember back when you were her age. I know I was embarrassed by my parents and they were straight. Perhaps she will come around. It may just take some time.

Nikki - posted on 02/06/2009

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Thank-you for your support. I have asked her if she wants me to be happy, and she says she does; but she wants me to be happy with a man. Her father is not supportive at all. My family disowned me when I came out. My mother tried to get my kids taken away from me. I just hope I do not damage my daughter for life because I cant live a lie. I feel like I am being selfish, but if I went on like I was I would have died. I was very suicidal.

Beth - posted on 02/06/2009

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Have you asked her if she wants you to be happy? I mean, in order for a child's life to be as happy as possible it usually helps when the parents are happy. Is her father bad mouthing your life to her? If not, might you be able to ask for his support with this matter? Your happiness should matter to everyone including your children.

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