telling your child your lesbians

Cherie - posted on 01/10/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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anyone had to explain to their child/children why they have two mommys or a mommy and a nanny or anything close like that? My son is 6 and he is asking alot of questions all of a sudden.

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Beth - posted on 01/26/2009

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My partner & I have been together for 14 yrs. Our twin boys are now 7. I am Momma and she is Mommy. Once they started in Pre K they asked why they don't have a Dad...we just told the truth. Some families are made of M&D, M&M, D&D, grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, 1 Mom or 1 Dad. A family is anything we make it as long as it's made from love. Eventually they were also told that they were born from my belly and Mommy's heart. They now also know, without full understanding, about the sperm donor.



 



As long as you are honest and age appropriate you will never have a problem. The truth about our family has been so easy compared to getting them to do their homework or to stop beating each other up!



 



Hope this helps.

Angela - posted on 01/14/2009

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Yes!! I met my wife in 2006, when my daughter was 6. I had been out for years, so she really hasn't known me otherwise, but last year, after school one day, she told me about a conversation she had with her friends. She told them very matter-of-factly that I was a lesbian. When her 7 year old friends wanted to know what that was, she said she thought for a minute, and said "I don't know. I think it means she's part boy." It never occurred to me that Hannah didn't realize what lesbian was, even though she knew I was. So I explained to her very simply about the love between the prince and princesses she sees on television. Then I replaced the prince with me, and made the princess my wife, and said that's exactly how Mommy and Leslie are, only I'm her princess and she is mine. I also included that not everyone gets to be so special as us, and that most women do fall in love with men, and most men do fall in love with women, and that every woman isn't a lesbian. My daughter has always like the little boys in her class, and we have teased her about crushes and what not, but when she asked if she was going to grow up to be a lesbian, I said "I don't know, but until then, I think it's okay if you want to like boys." This may not have been best way, but she seemed to understand, and it was like she was asking if it was ok that she wanted to like boys.

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Lori - posted on 07/12/2011

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Hi, I have been experiencing the same situation , gf and I have a 4 yr old 5 yr old and 6 yr old. they are asking about who was in whos tummy.. when I told five year old she was in my uterus, she said , and mommy kim drive you to hospital, then you born me, something she decided in her own head. its hard when othere kids question mine about two mommies though

Beth - posted on 03/01/2009

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Relax, go with your gut and really listen to your child's question. When answering, give a very brief and simple answer. Leave it at that and let your child direct the conversation. It has been my experience that kids want little bite of information - they will process it and come back for more information when they need more to make since of their world. Often times, parents offer too much info and it gets confusing and overwhelming. Use these opportunities to teach life lessons about love, family and the physical body. Good luck!

Heidi - posted on 02/26/2009

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We are a family with two moms and two dads. Our four year old son started asking where his dad was (he lives with his moms) when he was two. We have read him books since he was 1 and have taught him that he has two of both. The main prob we are having now is that his preschool friends are trying to figure out our family and the school teachers and director are homo-phobic. We know that we will always be answering questions. We are now looking for a new school in a more diverse community.

Rachel - posted on 02/09/2009

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My son is in kindergarten now, and does have a dad who I'm no longer with and now a stepmom (my partner), too. We live in Alabama, so it's not exactly a hotbed of liberalism, but he does go to Montessori school. One thing that has helped him is that his teachers read a book about families that covers all different types, including gay families, in simple preschool terms. There are children in his class with different situations including overseas adoption (though no other gay families), so this seemed to facilitate discussion and acceptance in general.

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Our son is 15 months old, and I have wondered about how to explain our little family when he asks...and this has helped a lot thanks! We also have a book about families and it has a great way of explaining that every family is different, it includes single parents as well as M&M, M&D, D&D. It's called The Family Book by Todd Parr. I've read it to him about 3 times since he's been born. I will keep all of these comments in mind as he grows! Thanks!

Nancy - posted on 01/30/2009

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Our two daughters are almost 12 and 8.  They are full bio sibs.  In a way we have been lucky, b/c my oldest daughter's best friend from the time she was 2 has been another girl with two moms.  They met in daycare and completely bonded.   They went through preschool together (where they bonded with another daughter of lesbian moms...guess there is something good about living in LA) and she has always been very open and proud of her situation.  She was told about the sperm donor when she was around 6 (he was anonymous), she has read his application and listened to his tape once, she is probably interested in meeting him someday, but I think her bond with both of her moms is so strong that she does not feel anything is missing.   She tells me most of her friends think it is "cool" to have two moms, and she is a   popular kid at school.  It is a private school in liberal LA, so that has helped the situation a great deal.   IT is also very interesting that one of her classmates has confided in her about his gayness, and the gay teachers at the school are also more open with her.    So she feels like she is part of a special community in a way.  We did not move into a suburban community specifically because we did not want to deal with cultural issues surrounding our gayness, and have our kids get the consequences of others' biases.  



My younger daughter had a few issues adjusting, but it has really been minor.    She would like to know what it "feels like" to have a dad.  We've told her that that is something she probably isn't going to ever have, but  there are kids who would like to have two moms and they aren't going to have that.   We have read them both Heather Has Two Mommies, and they are  conscious of being a bit different as there is only one other family in the school with gay parents.  We have told them that being gay is when you fall in love with someone who is the same gender and that most people fall in love with the opposite gender, but that her mama and I met and fell in love and were together for years  and wanted a family and here we are.



I think the key is that your kids will take the cues from you -- you want to be open about it in a positive way and not to tell them that they will be victims of prejudice,but if kids do say something mean to them, they need to stand up for themselves and their family.  ONe girl was mean to my younger daughter about it and two of her friends stuck up for her and that made her feel good. 

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I love this explanation!  My daughter loves Princesses, so this will be helpful.  What about the Daddy question?  My daughter is already asking where's my daddy?  We used anonymous donor so not sure exactly how to explain.

Kelly - posted on 01/24/2009

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Yep...feilding those all the time.  We started reading our daughter the book Heather has two Mommies when she was 2, and found a few other alternative family positive books that helped alot (she also has two dads...we are a queer tribe!) .  We talk about it whenever she asks,  just in kid friendly terms.  Since we are proud, she is too.  We talk alot about tolerance for people who are different,  and although she reports feeling some pain sometimes about being different and having a different family than most of her friends, she seems to report more feeling of pride in our family.  She is eight now...I will keep you posted!!



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