I don't want sex anymore,... normal or not?

Kari - posted on 01/17/2011 ( 120 moms have responded )

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Ok,.. here is the deal,.. and I know I'm not alone here. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I don't want it, don't need it. Of course my other half says he'll be patient,... NOT! About once every month or 2 I'll give in, and even though I'm not in the mood,.. I'll walk in the bedroom and make him happy just so he'll stop being a grumpy, moody man. What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care. What makes me want to punch him,... is when he not -so-subtly reminds me that he wants sex. Ex: I'm washing dishes, cleaning, trying to deal with my 2yr old( who has ADHD), and the hubby says something like," I wonder when Daddy is gonna get lucky,.. hopefully soon." I've told him many times before,. "I know you want it, you always do,.. but please stop dropping stupid hints and reminders around me. I'll come to you when I want sex." He doesn't seem to be hearing me. He still drops hints. I remind him that the hinting just stands to piss me off, but he keeps doing it. Every single time I feel like turning around and punching him and say that since he had to drop another hint, knowing how I feel,.. that he's never gonna get sex again. I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care. I know I don't want it and men seem to need it. I tell him I love him, but if that's what he needs to be in a good mood,.. go find it. Of course he doesn't believe it so I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't actually slept in the same bed as him for over a yr as I have to sleep on a special matress on the floor for my back,.. and with my 2 yr old as he gets night terrors due to the ADHD. I'm tired, worn-out and for those who question,.. I have my tubes tied,.. no birth control,.. but do take other meds that don't help the libido either. Arrrrrgggg. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not doing my womanly responsibilties,.. yet I do everything as a SAHM. Not once has he gotten up at night with his son, cause he sleeps so deep, I can't even wake him. I cook, bake, clean. He cooks once in a while and does dishes but I feel it's more to try to suck up to me so I'll put out. Any suggestions? I'm so done that I'm not even sure I like men anymore....lol.

Since not everyone reds all the replies, here is more info that I added in the thread, but will attach here,...

Why the hell are the men telling me to go to the gym and exercise? I'm not out of shape. I'm 40 yrs old, 5'5, 135lbs and a size 6,... so WTF!!!!! My now 5yr old has been diagnosed with Autism. Non verbal so I have to work with him daily on signing, therapy for his back and arms which are weak. Because he spends most of his time on the floor I have to scrub on my hands and knees 2 x a day, vaccuum 2-3times a day. He has a oral stim so everything ends up in his mouth and needs washing and disinfecting. I have to make aprons for him out of his older brothers old shirts so he keeps his cloths on. Theres a crapload more to do with my beautiful boy. I myself am on disability as well as is my son. I have a boatload of conditions and go to a pain clinic on a regular bases to get injections into my spine and nerve groups. The dx is Fibromyalgia, which means I'm in moderate to severe pain 24/7. I have Interstitial cystitis, or bladder pain syndrome (also IC/BPS), is a chronic inflammatory condition of the submucosal and muscular layers of the bladder. Moderate degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine, osteoarthritis in my lumbar and sciatic spine and both hips and severe anemia. I'm being treated for all of these things. With our combined disability, we could live on our own if that was the choice. My husband is covered under my medical benefits. He pays for our apt rent, I pay for the home phone, internet, satelite and both of our cell phones. I'm the only licensed driver with vehicle in the house. Both of my older boys play hockey for which I have to get my oldest to and from as my ex, take my middle son to his hockey as he plays rep. Despite all of my pain, being hardly able to walk some days,.. I STILL GET IT DONE!!! My hubby knows and appreciates all I do for him and our son as he can't do these things and admits it. So when he wants to get personal and I'm not able,.. he can have some understanding that if he wants to ram into me, while tears of pain stream down my face while I say nothing,. F off to ya all who feel we should split or I should just make sure he's happy while I'm crying in pain. He has been trying and he knows he can be an asshole when it's been awhile and stomps around. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not always giving in just to improve his mood. I often ask him that if he had some accident and couldn't get it up do to pain or just plain old can't as a result, would I get upset with him just because of that, treat him like crap cause he can't please me,..... not in this lifetime!! I love the man, not his organ. You men need to really think about the terms " In sickness and in health"" when it comes to your vows. I don't think a lot of you could stay with your wives if something was wrong with them. This is the only issue we have in our marraige, which is probably more than alot of you can say. I'm more the financial provider in our family. so I don't rely on him and he knows it. So now that I've updated and set the record straight, maybe you assholes, and you know which ones you are,.. will learn to shut up and have some more respect for their woman when she say no to you. Sometimes it's a very legitimate reason.

May 1,2014.

Here is another thing that may also play into my not wanting sex with my hubby. Personal hygiene! He works a physical job, yet showers only twice a week. He brushes his teeth only when I tell him to, they are nasty. He can go to a dentist under my coverage but won't. Even sleeping, if Im awake and he turns his head my way, I want to gag. I tell him it's not a turn on, yet he gets pissy if I ask him to go wash and brush his teeth. He'll say his teeth are too sensitive. I buy him special toothpaste,. nope. If he took care of his hygiene it might go aways to helping at least make it more enjoyable when I do go to him. I shower everyday,sometimes twice if I've been on the treadmill. Brush my teeth 2-3 times a day. I can't understand someone not doing that. I feel gross if I don't and for sure don't want to offend anyone by my not being clean. I don't know,. I'm trying but he's just not making it easy. Brushing his teeth right before sex and only then doesn't cut it for me. It needs to be regular. Why should he expect me to put in the effort if he won't. <

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Jacqueline - posted on 08/09/2013

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Man I completely understand... I am 20 yrs old i have two baby boys and married to my high school sweetheart... when we were dating we could not keep each other off of one another... but now I just dont want it. I feel really bad that he has to beg but I don't feel like having sex anymore. At first i thought maybe it was because of my body but I'm down to 109 n still don't want it. we get In to serious arguments over it... am I in my wrong for not wanting sex? He is very handsome good in the sack so its not that I'm not attracted to him I just don't want sex.

Jack - posted on 07/04/2013

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I went through a divorce about a year ago and got involved with a wonderful lady with two kids. I have visited this site many times and have received excellent advice on things about kids which have led to things such as successful potty training.

This topic is what encouraged me to join the community even though I am not a mom. I came here trying to gain a perspective on a sex situation I am facing. After reading the OP I feel like I am actually on the side of advice rather than gaining perspective.

With regards to sex drive men have a very, very powerful sex drive in general, much more so than women think. While there had been comments posted that men can, "please themselves" it has to be understood that not every man wants to do this, and it’s no fairer to ask a man to do it then to request the same thing from a woman.
There are biological problems associated with lack of sex. The first problem is that once the seminal glands get full (24-72 hours since last ejaculation) there is a pressure by the man’s bladder that can be like the need to pee. The second side effect is that there is a pre-ejaculate that builds up during arousal that occurs right by the prostate. When a man gets aroused and does not ejaculate there is physical pain associated with it(Byerly, 2006). Women with the no sex urges have to realize that their man is still sexually attracted to them, and as such gets aroused, sometimes very easily. I won’t get graphic but you can fill in the examples of some times when he may get aroused.
Each time this happens there is pain involved and if he is not masturbating the pain just stays there. A sex life that starts to dwindle will have a negative effect on a man. I know that we have a super macho rock hard exterior, but inside we are very emotional, and a drop off of sex can cause the man to think that their special lady is not attracted to them, that they did something wrong or even that they are cheating.

Men bring up sex and may even beg for it but the truth is that they do not want pity sex and they don't want to feel like their significant other is merely consenting to sex rather than being interested. He may perfectly well understand that your need or desire for sex is not what it was, but his drive did not go down with yours.

Lack of sex drives a majority of men "crazy." Then it is compounded because we fight the psychological and physical effects of no sex and feel like were are not even in control of our bodies. So you can imagine that while women can easily say no to sex it is a lot harder for men, and can become a deal breaker for some. As for me, I'll keep up with the back rubs, movie time, and occasional coffee, and continue the fight to put sex on the back burner. The key thing for you both to remember is that you can't develop resentments for each other. He needs to realize that it's more complicated for you than to just "start doing it again" and you also need to accept that his sex drive has not gone down like yours has and that he actually is having some emotional and physical symptoms because of it.

Byelry, Laurie and Paul PHYSICOLOGY OF THE MALE SEX DRIVE, 2006 retrieved: http://site.themarriagebed.com/physiolog...

K - posted on 06/02/2013

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Ok so I am 22 years old. My Fiance is 29 and we have been together almost two years. I have a 4 yr old from another guy so there's a constant custody battle there, since she was 7 months. I also have a 5 month old son with my Fiance. We both work full time, attend classes and I run a cake business on the side. Starting since I was about 4 months preggo I have absolutely no desire for sex. He is a sexaholic, makes advances about every 30 min to an hour. I was abused when I was little so being affectionate has always been hard and now It's impossible. We have talked about everything, he knows exactly how I feel yet he still makes advances constantly. We have sex a few times a week but I rarely enjoy it, he will wake me up in the night and I usually haveto push him off but sometimes I just give in and let him do it. I love him and everything else about our relationship is amazing but I can't stand this anymore. I am too young to have this problem and it is extremely depressing

Mrs - posted on 04/09/2013

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Do men ever apologise for having a constant biological drive for sex? Do they race to doctors asking for hormone suppressants and counselling because this drive is upsetting their partner? Of course not. They don't think they're broken. But women, whose biological drive is for children NOT sex (and yes, ironically one leads to the other but the drive itself is very different) are made to feel like they're damaged and in need of medical intervention. We're frigid, hormonal, lazy and if we'd just order the right drugs or sex toy our lives would finally be complete.

Misogyny anyone?!

Perhaps instead it's time we looked closer at the very rigid sexual rules we apply to our marriages and decide whether living this way is making anyone happy.

Tammey - posted on 06/20/2013

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I have the same problem and it has finally destroyed my marriage even though it is a side effect of my medication. Its really not fair. He use to tell me that it really wasn't a big deal for me to just do it. Well, I disagree. I got to the point where it discussed me. Love and sex are not the same thing. He vowed to love me in sickness and in health. A man can please himself. So why are we labeled the selfish ones when they don't even begin to understand our feelings. My husband use to say that it was the only thing he asked of me. I only wish he would have needed something else. You ask a prostitute for sex. I thought marriage was about more than that. I thought that it was suppose to be about supporting each other and growing old together. I hate that I'm made to feel like the bad guy in this. I only wish that i loved sex. I would love to enjoy and want it all the time. I never wanted to hate it but it happened. Can't he love and support me enough to see is through this time. With a little patience, love and support maybe things would change for me but pressuring me all the time makes me hate it that much more.

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India - posted on 11/23/2014

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To Kari...I feel for you. I myself am experiencing the same exact issues. I also have fibromyalgia, Sjo'gren's syndrome and Lupus and I just had 2 brain surgeres for Trigeminal Neuralgia. I hurt 24/7. I will pray for you. Hang in there. If he doesn't understand and be patient with you then it is time for you to go your own way. YOU need to be happy in life not depressed and stressed. God bless you

Frustrated_Guy - posted on 08/22/2014

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Kari,

I sympathize what you've done for your family under such difficult situation. Your hubby should definitely do more on his part on various aspects, including chores & cleaning. And he should listen to you about the dropping hints.

Regardless of all that, I just want to repeat what Jack Allen has posted on 07/04/2013. I'm a male, and I probably had only 5 times of sex in the last 13 years with my wife. She says that she feels pain when doing it. With my normal drive, I would need like about 2X every week. I struggled through a constant cycle of grumpiness, depression, unconscious anger, etc. every week. Through time, my emotional state gets worse and worse. I'm filled with despair and total hopelessness. I've counted more than 3500 days since the last time. And I don't want to cheat on her. I'm so religious that I don't even want to cheat her in thoughts.

I was so depressed that once I stopped eating and skipped every other meal, and lost 12 pounds in 2 to 3 weeks. I can stop eating willfully, but I still cannot stop my sexual urge even during my fast. Sex is such a powerful and strong need.

My wife and I are still married, with two wonderful kids. In my poor emotional state however, sometimes it's hard to do a good job as a father and a husband. I understand that women has the right to their body. But if you really love somebody, wouldn't you love with all of your heart and body as well?

Honestly, I don't know how long I can live on without killing myself, or how long I can stay married. Every week is a struggle that never gets easier. And I did look into hormonal solution which would make my breasts female-like. Maybe there are other better drugs that I didn't find.

If I have a choice, I would choose not to have this urge. But I don't have a choice.

Diamondsoul - posted on 08/07/2014

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Kari,

You're selfish as hell and don't deserve your partner. If you can't look after the heart of your man now then don't expect any help when you are too old and miserable for anyone to care about you. You sound like you are that now!

Kari - posted on 08/01/2014

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Ka, just because you can't understand a woman who won't or can't give her hubby sex doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Obviously by all the women who've replied to this post and have similar issues, it does happen. As for giving your hubby a blow-job or hand job or letting him watch you playing with yourself,..... those actions can make many women, including myself feel they are cheapening the experience. If I'm not turned on, the idea of giving my spouse a BJ is vial.. and to say that all men love food and sports is also inaccurate. Not all men are the same. It's not the 40's or 50's anymore ya know.

Ka - posted on 08/01/2014

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Tonya. Men have needs and so do women. I cant understand a women who doesn't give her husband anything. If you dont want to have sex, at least give him a blow job or a hand job or something. Even play with yourself and let him watch so he can jerkoff. I dont mean to be vulgar, but c'mon. How can you not do anything for him? Men are so simple, they love sex, food and sports. Its not rocket science. Women are really complicated. It doesn't take much to have a happy household. Cooking and having sex could be fun. Lol. Im married 15 years. My husband wants sex, food and loves sports. We have a great relationship. If that's all he ask for, I'm happy to oblige. He's a good man!! Women need to stop complicating things. Period!

Ka - posted on 07/30/2014

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Look, im not looking to fight with you but,obviously you cant read. My newphew is in a wheelchair. Do you think hes potty trained??? Also, i cant understand how you say you love your husband. What women in their right mind would tell their husband to get a f**k buddy. You must be crazy!?!? My brother in law also did 2 tours in Iraq. So, yes my sister is super women. Im so pround of her. She never complains. And see has every right too. She has also had 2 back surgeries and still has to lift my nephew out of his wheelchair. Good luck with your life. Just be grateful for what you have!! Life is too short!!!!

Kari - posted on 07/24/2014

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Ka,...
I'm quite happy with most of my life. And what the F does walking on a treadmill have to do with my chronic pain? Am I supposed to completely stiffen up and be in more pain, or does a ten minute, non- invasive walk help prevent more pain. Do your research before you write up on what affects my pain, maybe I'll even give you the entire list of things wrong so you get it right. I love my hubby, I just don't want sex with any man, let alone one who is supposed to love me but doesn't bother to care much about my feelings in this category. I GIVE IN TO HIM<> He doesn't give sexually to me. He takes and doesn't care to try to make it better for me when he does. EG, personal hygiene, lubricant etc. Outside the bedroom, our relationship is good. There are just many things that affect a sexual relationship. It doesn't mean we both hate each other and that the rest of our lives are crap too.

Oh, and that's great for your sister with the autistic 17 yr old and other children that cooks and crap, and has sex everynight...wow ,.. wonderwoman.... ALL children with autism are different, and a low end at age 6 who's not potty trained etc might be a bit more work that a 17yr, who know's as that's not the point. Apparently you can't read though as I believe I mentioned that I do all the housework, cooking and cleaning, and yes that also means baking when needed, and picking apples and cooking them to mash for sauce is something my 13yr old can do,..
let me ask,.. is your sister also on disability, in such pain that she is on 8 plus medications including weekly injections into her neck, lower cranium and back? Does she do all that in severe pain with 3 kids,... cause I DO! My hubby helps with what he can,... the topic here is sexual relations,.... not the rest of our lives. I give background on my life as it directly affects my sexual relations, I mention things that are turn offs, things he knows I hate THAT RELATE TO INTIMACY.
As for blaming everyone else? WTF,. my own conditions prevent the sex,.. my hubby's attitude about that area in our lives is his own issue. WTF else am I blaming? Sure as hell isn't my children,.. they are loved and have no idea of this other side of mine and hubby's relationship as well they shouldn't, at any age. I state facts above, not dissatisfaction with the rest of our lives. Hubby has read this many times and understands,.. oh and says to go find someone who does what I do and deal with all I have to while still keeping a smile on my face, despite his being an admitted ass in certain respects!

Ka - posted on 07/24/2014

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You soundlike a really angry,bitter person. You dont like anything about your husband. It sounds like you have so much resentment for him for some reason. My sister has a son with austism. He can not speak,walk or feed himself. She tells me she has sex every night. She cooks,cleans,laundry bakes pies from scratch. She even makes home madr apple sauce and picks herown apples. She has a 20 year old son thats in college and another son in preschool. My nephew with autism is 17. You sid youre in pain yet, you mention you go on the treadmill. You should be ashamed of yourself. You just dont like your life and youre taking it oit on your husband. You say you love the man and not the tool. If you love your husband, why do you keep insulting him? In this whole letter of pity, you havr constantly contradicted yourself. Face it, you're just not happy with yourself or your life. My advice to you, stop complaining and stop blaming everyone else. Change starts with you. Have a better attitude and things will get better. In my opinion, your husband did nothing wrong! Maybe he just wants love. A lot of men think of sex as love. Ask any women. Just love him and he will love you back! You'll see a change, you cn be sure of that. Good luck with your son.

Kari - posted on 07/12/2014

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Oh, Sherry,.. I don't care what the situation is, he should NEVER be allowed to force sex on you. Even in marriage it's still rape. It's different if you give in and let him do his thing, but if you say no, then it means no. Hugs

Phillip - posted on 06/29/2014

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I have been "Happily Married" for 20 Year's. Sex is not the center of our marriage nor the reason we got married. My wife and I go 2 months at a time without having sex. We don't have an intimacy problem it just happens! shes not in the mood, i am not in the mood, our kids are awake,we don't want to make noise. She does not feel sexy because she gained weight due to the medicine she has been on. I have never brought that up to her, it does not bother me as we all age and change.So I feel it would be very selfish of me to demand sex from her knowing how self conscious she feels. Again I do crap that I am sure she does not find sexy (I sometimes wear slippers, tank top and boxer shorts) but she is also patient with me. When we do have sex it is wonderful because I still find her very very sexy, beautiful and try to show her that even though she does not feel that way. As a man I feel she lets me be one and expects me to act like one. A man knows he is needed but he also needs to feel wanted. Sometimes sacrifice for each other is necessary that is a part of being married. If all a guy wants is sex and has no consideration for you or threatens to cheat or leave he is a very shallow man. The best compliment my wife ever gave me was " Thank you for being a great husband and a strong man providing and setting a good example for our daughters". Again 20 years no cheating and long stints of no sex but very happily married. Maybe sit down together and write down pros and cons of what you two are dealing with then talk about it. Marriage is worth sorting out the issues we all have them, especially if children are involved. I wish you all the best be strong. I know I rambled hopefully typed coherently my say's I write like I talk one llllooonnnggg sentence.

Deborah - posted on 06/26/2014

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Tanya,

You hit the nail on the head!!!!! Women need to STOP thinking that they are not normal and STOP apologizing for something that IS normal. If a person has a low sex drive - so what, that's normal for them.

Tanya - posted on 06/18/2014

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Hi, :)
Looking at most of these posts it makes me sad, because im wondering why even in this day and age its still seen as acceptable that a woman should feel they have to have sex under pressure, to put their boyfreind/husband in a better mood and that your partners care so little that they are happy to get their jolly's off with someone who clearly isnt enjoying it.
If someone you didnt know bullied you into having sex, im sure your partners would be livid, so why would it be ok for them to do it! As a human being you are totaly allowed to say what goes into your vagina, it is your human right, so please dont put up with that kind of bullshit!!
As a side note men who whine about not getting any sex, look to yourselves, it could be as simple as demonstrating your affection in other ways to show to your partner you love them, if you are are willing to cheat to have sex, maybe you could try to figure out whats bothering your partner, try thinking of no sex is a symptom of a problem rather than the actual problem.

Sheena - posted on 06/18/2014

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So i think its all normal, too many of you are putting the blame on partners but the fact is you dont have total control of your sexual drive high or low nobody is to blame. I have been with my hubby for 10 yrs and we have 2 beautiful girls age 3 and 4, we too love and care for each other very much. After my second daughter my sex drive is basically non existant im not saying i dont like it just dont crave it. My hubby had a hard time understanding as he was feeling rejected but theres a difference in not craving sex and not craving sex with your husband. Silly but the best way i can explain this is with your favorite piece of cake. So lets say my favorite cake is chocolate cake ( hubby) but i just dont crave for cake in general (sex) its not gonna bother me either way right and i for sure am not gonna go out of my way to make and bake it but if its given to me and i do go ahead and eat my cake its defenitely delcious i may even go for seconds. So basically its not that i dont like chocolate cake its that i dont crave cake. Get it? i dont hate sex and i do love my hubby i just dont crave sex. Now my hubby kinda gets it, its just hard for him to understand how i could not want sex as it is hard for me to understand that he wants it all the time. We may never know what pain the other is feeling just try to understand and listen to one another. I wish i had the desire or craving i cant pinpoint one reason as to why i dont and i sure as heck should not be blamed for it i dont even understand it, but the same goes for my hubby he cant control his cravings any more than i can my lack of one we can only control our reactions. For a while there my hubby would get mad (he says frustrated) because i would walk away sometimes when its only been 2 days. He feels rejected and unwanted but me giving in everytime makes me feel like an obligated sex slave. Not good for either of us. So neither of our sex drives are going to change just like that but have compassion and understanding for one another make sure your hubby understands your not rejecting him but make sure you also are not selfish simply because of how you feel, he has feelings too. Now for the hubbys or spouse with higher drive understand that we too cant control our lower sex drive you have the right to be frustrated you cant help how you feel but you dont have the right to demand or lash out when you cant get sex that just makes us feel worse and makes sex just sex, without emotional intimacy. For me and probably most of you in a relationship intimacy is more than sex right? Anyways understanding each others point of view helps but it doesnt change your drives each person has to make the effort to be more physically intimate emotionally intimate and considerate. Its nobodys fault, there are many different reasons and causes for low and high sex drives that cant be fixed overnite if at all, but if you truly love each other you will try to understand, be considerate, make efforts, and compromise. Hope this helps.

Sherry - posted on 06/16/2014

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I am 30 have 6 kids my hubby always wants sex at times im ok with it most times im not I try to be normal as he says im not it hurts to hear that and he says hel leave me if I don't fix my problem at times he forces him self on me at the momen I don't no what to do im a mess just feel like crying every time it comes up I so want to be normal is there a way Please help me

Jamal - posted on 06/06/2014

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I'm a 26yr old male with a pregnant wife who no longer desires sex. When we first met we had sex all the time at-least one a day now its close to non existent it started slowing down during her first pregnancy and now i cant remember the last time we had sex. If i push it shell give in but I don't like feeling like i'm forcing her so naturally i gave up. I love my wife but now i feel like friends it doesn't even feel like we are in a romantic relationship. I don't want a divorce but i don't want to cheat on her. I wish polygamy was legal. What should i do?

Feeble - posted on 04/26/2014

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so i'm not being rude but i'm seeing a constant of the females lacking a sex drive. here is my story and to be honest i would probably never come back here again i would just like to get it off my chest. i'm 20, and i'm a male, my partner is 22. all i see when i talk to my friends is how much sex every one is having. i mean i'm 20 i'm "supposed" to be a sex addict according to the laws of nature.. growing up i had ALOT of sex with multiple woman and i've always enjoyed it and always wanted more.. i've been with my partner for 3 years now and i love her very much. when we 1st started dating we used to have ALOT of sex, and in the last year we maybe have sex once a month.. i mean i do want sex but i dont? i feel that my partner doesnt want me/it any more but she's the one that starts things off? but i just dont want it any more. i'm not sure why this is but it does not feel normal to me? i'm just a confused young man i i needed to get this off my chest. i'm sorry..

See - posted on 04/20/2014

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It's not that most men just want Sex it becomes absent when a woman has children , even if a man helps and do virtually everything it won't help , look in a mirror and see the problem for what it is your not happy with how you look, tired for no reason , highly emotional, relationship isn't about Sex but it's in it and can break a relationship....Most relationships starts this way ...men aren't hard wired to change because you have changed. ok would it be fair if it was the other way around and see how many women would leave there man ....see things two way work on more then just being mom because if those bills don't come in you will replace him and end up with another man and please him until the problem comes around again ....Both men and women need to become more to there spouses then just parents ....try talking without getting pissed ...hear him out .....yes the task of being mom is extremely hard a man couldn't do your jobs....but he needs to be dad and husband ....

Deborah - posted on 04/20/2014

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Exactly. I am so tired of the male entitlement attitude that seems to think the male sex drive is the one and only correct sex drive. I tired of being told 'just do it'. He** no. I am perfectly normal. Women don't go around telling man 'DON'T do it'. Sex is such a personal and private thing. There is NO right or wrong, no normal or abnormal. It's just individual preference. Just like we are all individuals we need to honor another person's preference and quit trying to change them. I don't want to be changed, I'm fine just being me.

Natasha - posted on 04/20/2014

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A decrease or cease of a woman’s sex drive is normal. It’s the act of marriage and societies injected attitudes towards a woman’s purpose while in this institution that’s unnatural. I’m 34 and nearing 13 years of marriage. My sex drive ceased over a year ago. My body has decided it’s done. This is a natural process. I have communicated this (many times) with my husband; who seems to think if he waits long enough the magic sex fairy will sprinkle some dust on me and I will turn into a nympho. I have made numerous concessions with him from divorce to an open marriage (on his behalf).

If he feels like he’s being deprived of sex, he’s depriving himself (not the other way around). At any point in time he can go back into the wilderness, pound on his chest, and find a mate. I don’t give a sh*t. I wasn’t put here to appease his every sexual whim. And (unlike most), I won’t allow someone or society to lower my self-esteem because “they” think I should go against my body’s natural process, pop a pill, and appease the needs of some B.S. primitive drive. Women are better than that; we have progressed in the evolution stage. We’re not just some big dumb animals walking with boners.

Guess what, we give birth; we menstruate most of our life-all males do is get an erection. A woman’s body has the right to say, “Hey, I’m done being poked and fondled.” It men don’t like it they can go back to their caves…where (over time) they would eventually rape each other.

Antoine - posted on 04/14/2014

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I am a 21 year old man and I to have lost interest in sex. When I was younger i had a lot of sex with many women(don't worry I practiced safe sex) and after a while i just got bored. I only had sex with women after that because I felt it was expected of me. My only goal was to make the women orgasm as quick as possible so i could stop and go home or go to sleep. Now i just don't have sex, not because I can't its just that i don't want to. Its has been 3-4 years now since i have had sex and i am glad that i came across this post because it has reassured me that i am not the only one who was concerned and now i feel a bit more normal.Oh and to the OP, i am sorry for your situation, your husband should be more considerate of your wants and needs. I don't know if it is too late but i wish you the best with your situation.

Deborah - posted on 04/10/2014

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I've been married 34 years. My husband was a real asshole about sex also. He thought it was all about him. He claimed he 'needed' sex. LOL. His urologist told him that no one NEEDS sex. Sex is not a need, it's a desire. Men will NOT explode from lack of sex. He used to try that lame ass excuse about being 'in pain' with me also. Again, his urologist told him that 'discomfort' was NOT pain. Menstrual cramps are far worse than that little discomfort. BTW - husband's urologist is a heterosexual male. He just doesn't buy into any of that 'male entitlement to sex' bull crap.

Now my husband is physical unable to have sex. What joy I have now. I like to torment him every couple of days for sex like he did me for over 3 decades. What goes around, come around.

Duh - posted on 04/06/2014

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Boo hoo he wants sex. You cant just lay there for a minute when you go to sleep? This is part of being a man, he needs it. Without it he is not content, he is not where he wants to be, he is not mentally happy. You haven't figured that out yet after turning into old bats? jesus. Be glad they want it with you and not some younger, most likely, more attractive willing woman. I really don't see why this is an issue for any of you, a man just needs sex, he doesn't need it to be all romantic and amazing and all time consuming, 5 minutes the end. If you want it longer than that than it is your problem and you are the one who needs the demanding sex.

Dale - posted on 03/30/2014

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frist am a man that been married to my wife for 25 years and we been together for 27. We where high school sweethearts. I love her more now than ever. She don't care for sex any more,she been that way for over 5 years. What early hurts is I found out 4 years ago she had a boyfriend on the internet. You know she got mad for sping on her, Anyways back to the problem. We have 2 kids but both are grown and soon both will be in college. I far as I can tell we share the work around the house . Outside the house my wife makes half the money I make a year , I have try to understand the problem.that why am here but form what i can see it just the same as any chat room men vs women and women vs men.It your fault cause u are a man,Its your fault cause you are not in the mood. I see we both have a need. frist the wife dosn't care for it any more , Second the husband still want to make love with his wife. I have been waiting for my wife to want sex again for 5 years now. I feel lonely and unlove. We don't have deep long kisses any more Nor is there any fore play, It just kiss by love ya etc.Now i see where the ladies are comeing from and I hope u ladies see where the men are comeing from. So is there no compriseing ? I'm way pass jacking off , We need a woman touch, to feel her soft skin the way she smells. Tammy this was not at you i just post to your reply. So help me out ladies I been waiting for 5 years My wife needs are being takeing care of so she says. But mine are not. Im tried of waiting for her to want sex or to care for it again. when is it our turn to get what we want and need. No am not running any woman down I just want to understand more.

Kari - posted on 03/24/2014

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@Kaci,.. That's it exactly. My hubby complain that we don't even cuddle much anymore, but as you said, if we cuddle he will try to turn it into more than a cuddling. So he tells me that he can't do it cause then he wants more and only gets ticked off with not only me, but himself cause he can't control himself. I understand him and so I don't push to cuddle, but wish there could be a happy medium in there somewhere.

@No Way,.. there is part of your problem right there. You come and join a MOM'S group looking for a way to FIX your wife. She is NOT BROKEN! I get it that you men are fixers, being that you thing you can just fix things for your wives when they aren't looking to be fixed, just supported. Sex does not make a relationship. As Jane has said below," I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married."

Kaci - posted on 03/22/2014

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Been up all night for this same reason. I love the intimacy when it happens, but most of the time I just don't think about it anymore. My husband feels like I don't want him but I do, it's just not easy when I have no drive at all. Sometimes all that I want is to cuddle up next to him but he always tries to take it further. It's upsetting that we can't just lay together and enjoy that closeness.

No - posted on 03/20/2014

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As a man who loves my wife I'm torn because I found this site searching for how to fix my wife's low sex drive. At the end of the day I'm about ready to just leave. I don't want to hurt my kids or leave my wife butbi cant take constant rejection or bickering about sex. Cheating on her iS getting old and not what I really want anyway. However as others have said if all we are is good friends living together it's time to go out separate ways.

Jane - posted on 03/18/2014

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I have been reading a lot of the men's comments. Most of them feel that marriage is all about sex. In other words, the reason they marry a woman is to have sex. Not for kids, or companionship, or friendship or sharing life goals. I have a problem with that. As in my other posts on this subject, I do feel men and women have plenty of ways to accommodate one another sexually even if they are not in the mood out of love and consideration for the others needs. But I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married. They should just get whores and pay for it as they need it because if you cannot commit to a family in sickness and health (all these people with low sex drive are in some kind of stress or illness) then you should not have gotten married. The woman who started this conversation has the most difficult work load and stress load I can imagine and it sounds like her husband just leaves a lot to her instead of helping her with it. Even if he works a lot, it is crazy to expect a woman to be in the mood under all that stress if you are not at least going to hire someone qualified to help you once in a while and take the woman out, and cuddle her and make her feel special and feminine. It is hard to feel sexy if no one treats you like a lady. A lot of you men want sex but do nothing RELATIONSHIP wise to earn it. Going to your job and keeping up your house is a given. Don't expect it to turn her on that you worked all day. Expect to have to cuddle her for no reason, kiss her just because, hug her, encourage her, and take her out sometimes and get her mind off the stress. Do your part and stop just being some walking penis who thinks his wife is just for sex.

Jane - posted on 03/18/2014

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I have been reading a lot of the men's comments. Most of them feel that marriage is all about sex. In other words, the reason they marry a woman is to have sex. Not for kids, or companionship, or friendship or sharing life goals. I have a problem with that. As in my other posts on this subject, I do feel men and women have plenty of ways to accommodate one another sexually even if they are not in the mood out of love and consideration for the others needs. But I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married. They should just get whores and pay for it as they need it because if you cannot commit to a family in sickness and health (all these people with low sex drive are in some kind of stress or illness) then you should not have gotten married. The woman who started this conversation has the most difficult work load and stress load I can imagine and it sounds like her husband just leaves a lot to her instead of helping her with it. Even if he works a lot, it is crazy to expect a woman to be in the mood under all that stress if you are not at least going to hire someone qualified to help you once in a while and take the woman out, and cuddle her and make her feel special and feminine. It is hard to feel sexy if no one treats you like a lady. A lot of you men want sex but do nothing RELATIONSHIP wise to earn it. Going to your job and keeping up your house is a given. Don't expect it to turn her on that you worked all day. Expect to have to cuddle her for no reason, kiss her just because, hug her, encourage her, and take her out sometimes and get her mind off the stress. Do your part and stop just being some walking penis who thinks his wife is just for sex.

Jane - posted on 03/15/2014

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for "Chris" who posted here. If all my boyfriend wanted from me was for me to be thin or else he would cheat I would just say fine, become muscular and buff and take a shower everyday or I will cheat. That is dumb. I am losing weight, a little at a time, safely, and I am trying to walk daily weather and aches and pains considered and I may yet get into a fitness program somewhere, but since I don't have a car I am trying to do free yoga online. With all that said, any guy who says he loves someone but holds shit against them like weight when they are trying to be fit but struggle with it more than others, doesn't really love her and he should just admit it. He is using her.

Helen - posted on 03/15/2014

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to these shitty, selfish men, u know who i am referring to. You sounds so stupid. That's all i want to say. Sex is something both sides should enjoy, ok? otherwise, it is domestic rape.

Naomi - posted on 03/15/2014

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I'm willing to bet you're one of the assholes she was referring to. How insensitive.....

Kari - posted on 03/14/2014

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Why the hell are the men telling me to go to the gym and exercise? I'm not out of shape. I'm 40 yrs old, 5'5, 135lbs and a size 6,... so WTF!!!!! My now 5yr old has been diagnosed with Autism. Non verbal so I have to work with him daily on signing, therapy for his back and arms which are weak. Because he spends most of his time on the floor I have to scrub on my hands and knees 2 x a day, vaccuum 2-3times a day. He has a oral stim so everything ends up in his mouth and needs washing and disinfecting. I have to make aprons for him out of his older brothers old shirts so he keeps his cloths on. Theres a crapload more to do with my beautiful boy. I myself am on disability as well as is my son. I have a boatload of conditions and go to a pain clinic on a regular bases to get injections into my spine and nerve groups. The dx is Fibromyalgia, which means I'm in moderate to severe pain 24/7. I have Interstitial cystitis, or bladder pain syndrome (also IC/BPS), is a chronic inflammatory condition of the submucosal and muscular layers of the bladder. Moderate degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine, osteoarthritis in my lumbar and sciatic spine and both hips and severe anemia. I'm being treated for all of these things. With our combined disability, we could live on our own if that was the choice. My husband is covered under my medical benefits. He pays for our apt rent, I pay for the home phone, internet, satelite and both of our cell phones. I'm the only licensed driver with vehicle in the house. Both of my older boys play hockey for which I have to get my oldest to and from as my ex, take my middle son to his hockey as he plays rep. Despite all of my pain, being hardly able to walk some days,.. I STILL GET IT DONE!!! My hubby knows and appreciates all I do for him and our son as he can't do these things and admits it. So when he wants to get personal and I'm not able,.. he can have some understanding that if he wants to ram into me, while tears of pain stream down my face while I say nothing,. F off to ya all who feel we should split or I should just make sure he's happy while I'm crying in pain. He has been trying and he knows he can be an asshole when it's been awhile and stomps around. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not always giving in just to improve his mood. I often ask him that if he had some accident and couldn't get it up do to pain or just plain old can't as a result, would I get upset with him just because of that, treat him like crap cause he can't please me,..... not in this lifetime!! I love the man, not his organ. You men need to really think about the terms " In sickness and in health"" when it comes to your vows. I don't think a lot of you could stay with your wives if something was wrong with them. This is the only issue we have in our marraige, which is probably more than alot of you can say. I'm more the financial provider in our family. so I don't rely on him and he knows it. So now that I've updated and set the record straight, maybe you assholes, and you know which ones you are,.. will learn to shut up and have some more respect for their woman when she say no to you. Sometimes it's a very legitimate reason.

Helen - posted on 03/14/2014

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I am just so glad to find out so many women out there have the same kind of situation. I don't have sexual desire anymore for almost two years. I don't know what to do, my husband said he understands that our life is stressful now and he is not concerned about my dead sexual desire. He believes once our life gets better and our son is bigger, i will come back. I feel terrible to refuse him all the time and sometimes feel obligated to have sex, but had to stop in the middle of it. I hope it will get better.

Jane - posted on 03/05/2014

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P.S. As for Is It Normal? yes, as you can see by all these comments it is a very common problem especially for people on medications or with illnesses like high blood pressure and diabetes. As for you expecting your husband to just give up on sex i think you are asking too much. Unless you don't have a vagina, there is no woman who cannot use a lubricant and please her man if she loves him enough to put aside her lack of needs for his strong needs. As for you guys out there who are demanding sex and nagging and hinting and threatening to cheat, you need to try understanding how much work sex is when you cannot enjoy it yourself, and give her a break if she doesn't roll over everytime you ask. What if it was you who was being dumped over it? what if you couldn't help the way you feel but you love your wife and kids and want to keep your family together? Don't ask for what you are not willing to give if the tables were turned. And you guys who want oral sex all the time? You better be just as good at going down on her or you can just shut the f**k up.

Jane - posted on 03/05/2014

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I guess this is a lot about love and priorities. Love means finding a balance that works for both people. What if he had a problem and couldn't get it up? Do you love him or is he just a joystick? Now granted, there is a little blue pill for men and not much out there for women, but still, what if he couldn't or didn't want to? Communicate, don't hold it against one another or take it personally when sex drive is down and don't be selfish if you are always horny and your partner isn't. If there are no medical solutions that can help, then decide DO YOU WANT TO BE TOGETHER or not. If not then face it and go your separate ways, but if you do, then either learn to like oral sex (to guys who can't get it up) and ladies use a lubricant and do it for him because you enjoy making him happy and be enthusiastic for him because you LOVE him. Stop nagging one another and placing blame. Find a medical solution, compromise, or break up but stop whining.

Gregor - posted on 02/22/2014

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OMG. I am a man that married my girlfriend 20yrs ago because we loved each other, that was the hugging, cuddling, kissing and the sex. It was so good between us we married, because we only had eyes for each other.
The love that we had together ( because she wanted children) produced 2 lovely kids. Not long after the children were born the hugs cuddling kissing and love making stopped, when I asked it was 'just not now'. So... I waited, months, I thought she was going through the change( she was only 30 ) so I respected her inner problems , as I thought. Months became years. I got high blood pressure due to stress and the psychiatrist I saw put it down to the lack of sex in my life and suggested I ask her to join me in a session. My wife was sooo annoyed I had discussed our personal life with an outsider and nothing was made of it.
She will tell her girlfriends that ' we don't anymore as we are to old for that sort of thing'... when I'm in ear shot, I want to scream! She tells friends how hot some male pop stars are too and yet when we get home nothing is said and she sits in-front of the laptop with Facebook and games till a good hour after I go to bed.
15 yrs on and I am frustrated, she is happy in her loveless marriage and can not understand why I do not want to go on vacation with her.
I understand that you girls can go off the whole lovemaking thing BUT there are two people in a marriage and Oh it doesn't matter, I am a man and don't deserve what I signed up for with that beautiful loving happy girl i met when I was younger. The stress 'ill kill me so so result.

Husband And - posted on 02/21/2014

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Saying no to sex with your spouse makes you a selfish jerk. Period. Why be married if you're not having sex? At that point, you are simply roommates.

What if your husband would no longer look at you, talk with you, hold your hand, or provide for your financial needs? He would be selfish and you would be miserable. It's the same thing.

Rejecting sex with a man is rejecting the entire man. If you don't want to have sex with him, then you should have never married him.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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question>>>>when you were "courting" did you tell him that in 20 yrs you won't be having sex? had you told him that would he have married you? YOU changed the terms and its not fair to him. If you bought a car from me and 2 yrs later I came by and removed the air conditioner you'd be pissed right? you bought a car WITH A/C as part of the package not temperary A/C. Well he married you WITH sex as part of the package.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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Both of your posts are cop outs. If a man thinks about sex every 4 seconds than wouldn't it make sense that a man's brain is HIS sex organ? You have a choice and you chose stress. You are in control of your time make some for yourself. then for you and hubby.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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The larger question isn't is loss of interest in sex is normal. The larger question is are both of you OK with it. People lose interest in sex for lots of reasons. Some may be contributed to health. If you are out of shape or have other health issues that make sex a physically taxing endeavor then I guess it would be normal to lose interest. If your partner has changed drastically in their physical appearance, I guess that's another normal reason. And all of these reasons can be addressed. Mr. Ingram is full of crap by the way. The truth is that for us men....its about validation. Feeling that my wife wants me sexually makes me feel good about myself. When she denies me repeatedly, I second guess myself and find it rather emasculating. Here's the series of questions you need to ask yourself: 1. Do you have the right to make him celibate against his wishes when that's not what he signed up for? (assuming he doesn't go elsewhere for sex) 2. If you are OK with him getting sex elsewhere are you OK with leaving the door open for him to fall in love with someone else and leave you? You claim he's not patient. Here's a news flash if you are only having sex "every month or so" he's more than patient. Now here's the real talk. Right now your husband is trying to figure out how to replace you and still manage child support, alimony, etc. From what I've read, its inevitable and justified. Now if you want to save your marriage, I would suggest you drawing some boundaries and sticking to them. Clearly he is insensitive to your workload. Set a boundary that will allow you to get some rest and feel more appreciated. Also, I'd recommend that you start a workout program and take some time for you. AND STICK TO IT. Perhaps after you feel more rested and after you feel better about yourself, you may be more receptive to his advances.And yes you can wake him if the house was on fire so that's no excuse. Now if you aren ot willing to impliment these changes and he is not willing to accept these changes, then the BIG change is coming and I'd suggest you find a good divorce lawyer real talk..

Pete - posted on 02/13/2014

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To all the men on this website who are knocking these women, you are mostly talking shite! I am 52 and have a very low sex drive and if you don't have sex for a long period, there is no pain anywhere, that's horseshit.

It's refreshing to know that there are women who exist that don't feel that sex is everything in a relationship.

James Ingram is talking bollocks when he says that to men, marriage is all about sex. You need to see a shrink mate, I think there is something wrong with you!

This world has become so sex obsessed.
If sex is all you want all the time, you really need help.
Get a hobby as you clearly have too much time on your hands.

Give these women a break from all the crap and horseshit you're all spouting and go buy an inflatable doll, you will probably associate mentally with one of those as well.

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