I don't want sex anymore,... normal or not?

Kari - posted on 01/17/2011 ( 95 moms have responded )

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Ok,.. here is the deal,.. and I know I'm not alone here. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I don't want it, don't need it. Of course my other half says he'll be patient,... NOT! About once every month or 2 I'll give in, and even though I'm not in the mood,.. I'll walk in the bedroom and make him happy just so he'll stop being a grumpy, moody man. What ticks me off though is that he knows I don't want to,.. but he doesn't seem to care. What makes me want to punch him,... is when he not -so-subtly reminds me that he wants sex. Ex: I'm washing dishes, cleaning, trying to deal with my 2yr old( who has ADHD), and the hubby says something like," I wonder when Daddy is gonna get lucky,.. hopefully soon." I've told him many times before,. "I know you want it, you always do,.. but please stop dropping stupid hints and reminders around me. I'll come to you when I want sex." He doesn't seem to be hearing me. He still drops hints. I remind him that the hinting just stands to piss me off, but he keeps doing it. Every single time I feel like turning around and punching him and say that since he had to drop another hint, knowing how I feel,.. that he's never gonna get sex again. I've even told him to go find a sex buddy,.. I don't care. I know I don't want it and men seem to need it. I tell him I love him, but if that's what he needs to be in a good mood,.. go find it. Of course he doesn't believe it so I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't actually slept in the same bed as him for over a yr as I have to sleep on a special matress on the floor for my back,.. and with my 2 yr old as he gets night terrors due to the ADHD. I'm tired, worn-out and for those who question,.. I have my tubes tied,.. no birth control,.. but do take other meds that don't help the libido either. Arrrrrgggg. I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm not doing my womanly responsibilties,.. yet I do everything as a SAHM. Not once has he gotten up at night with his son, cause he sleeps so deep, I can't even wake him. I cook, bake, clean. He cooks once in a while and does dishes but I feel it's more to try to suck up to me so I'll put out. Any suggestions? I'm so done that I'm not even sure I like men anymore....lol.

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Jacqueline - posted on 08/09/2013

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Man I completely understand... I am 20 yrs old i have two baby boys and married to my high school sweetheart... when we were dating we could not keep each other off of one another... but now I just dont want it. I feel really bad that he has to beg but I don't feel like having sex anymore. At first i thought maybe it was because of my body but I'm down to 109 n still don't want it. we get In to serious arguments over it... am I in my wrong for not wanting sex? He is very handsome good in the sack so its not that I'm not attracted to him I just don't want sex.

Jack - posted on 07/04/2013

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I went through a divorce about a year ago and got involved with a wonderful lady with two kids. I have visited this site many times and have received excellent advice on things about kids which have led to things such as successful potty training.

This topic is what encouraged me to join the community even though I am not a mom. I came here trying to gain a perspective on a sex situation I am facing. After reading the OP I feel like I am actually on the side of advice rather than gaining perspective.

With regards to sex drive men have a very, very powerful sex drive in general, much more so than women think. While there had been comments posted that men can, "please themselves" it has to be understood that not every man wants to do this, and it’s no fairer to ask a man to do it then to request the same thing from a woman.
There are biological problems associated with lack of sex. The first problem is that once the seminal glands get full (24-72 hours since last ejaculation) there is a pressure by the man’s bladder that can be like the need to pee. The second side effect is that there is a pre-ejaculate that builds up during arousal that occurs right by the prostate. When a man gets aroused and does not ejaculate there is physical pain associated with it(Byerly, 2006). Women with the no sex urges have to realize that their man is still sexually attracted to them, and as such gets aroused, sometimes very easily. I won’t get graphic but you can fill in the examples of some times when he may get aroused.
Each time this happens there is pain involved and if he is not masturbating the pain just stays there. A sex life that starts to dwindle will have a negative effect on a man. I know that we have a super macho rock hard exterior, but inside we are very emotional, and a drop off of sex can cause the man to think that their special lady is not attracted to them, that they did something wrong or even that they are cheating.

Men bring up sex and may even beg for it but the truth is that they do not want pity sex and they don't want to feel like their significant other is merely consenting to sex rather than being interested. He may perfectly well understand that your need or desire for sex is not what it was, but his drive did not go down with yours.

Lack of sex drives a majority of men "crazy." Then it is compounded because we fight the psychological and physical effects of no sex and feel like were are not even in control of our bodies. So you can imagine that while women can easily say no to sex it is a lot harder for men, and can become a deal breaker for some. As for me, I'll keep up with the back rubs, movie time, and occasional coffee, and continue the fight to put sex on the back burner. The key thing for you both to remember is that you can't develop resentments for each other. He needs to realize that it's more complicated for you than to just "start doing it again" and you also need to accept that his sex drive has not gone down like yours has and that he actually is having some emotional and physical symptoms because of it.

Byelry, Laurie and Paul PHYSICOLOGY OF THE MALE SEX DRIVE, 2006 retrieved: http://site.themarriagebed.com/physiolog...

K - posted on 06/02/2013

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Ok so I am 22 years old. My Fiance is 29 and we have been together almost two years. I have a 4 yr old from another guy so there's a constant custody battle there, since she was 7 months. I also have a 5 month old son with my Fiance. We both work full time, attend classes and I run a cake business on the side. Starting since I was about 4 months preggo I have absolutely no desire for sex. He is a sexaholic, makes advances about every 30 min to an hour. I was abused when I was little so being affectionate has always been hard and now It's impossible. We have talked about everything, he knows exactly how I feel yet he still makes advances constantly. We have sex a few times a week but I rarely enjoy it, he will wake me up in the night and I usually haveto push him off but sometimes I just give in and let him do it. I love him and everything else about our relationship is amazing but I can't stand this anymore. I am too young to have this problem and it is extremely depressing

Mrs - posted on 04/09/2013

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Do men ever apologise for having a constant biological drive for sex? Do they race to doctors asking for hormone suppressants and counselling because this drive is upsetting their partner? Of course not. They don't think they're broken. But women, whose biological drive is for children NOT sex (and yes, ironically one leads to the other but the drive itself is very different) are made to feel like they're damaged and in need of medical intervention. We're frigid, hormonal, lazy and if we'd just order the right drugs or sex toy our lives would finally be complete.

Misogyny anyone?!

Perhaps instead it's time we looked closer at the very rigid sexual rules we apply to our marriages and decide whether living this way is making anyone happy.

Tammey - posted on 06/20/2013

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I have the same problem and it has finally destroyed my marriage even though it is a side effect of my medication. Its really not fair. He use to tell me that it really wasn't a big deal for me to just do it. Well, I disagree. I got to the point where it discussed me. Love and sex are not the same thing. He vowed to love me in sickness and in health. A man can please himself. So why are we labeled the selfish ones when they don't even begin to understand our feelings. My husband use to say that it was the only thing he asked of me. I only wish he would have needed something else. You ask a prostitute for sex. I thought marriage was about more than that. I thought that it was suppose to be about supporting each other and growing old together. I hate that I'm made to feel like the bad guy in this. I only wish that i loved sex. I would love to enjoy and want it all the time. I never wanted to hate it but it happened. Can't he love and support me enough to see is through this time. With a little patience, love and support maybe things would change for me but pressuring me all the time makes me hate it that much more.

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Antoine - posted 4 days ago

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I am a 21 year old man and I to have lost interest in sex. When I was younger i had a lot of sex with many women(don't worry I practiced safe sex) and after a while i just got bored. I only had sex with women after that because I felt it was expected of me. My only goal was to make the women orgasm as quick as possible so i could stop and go home or go to sleep. Now i just don't have sex, not because I can't its just that i don't want to. Its has been 3-4 years now since i have had sex and i am glad that i came across this post because it has reassured me that i am not the only one who was concerned and now i feel a bit more normal.Oh and to the OP, i am sorry for your situation, your husband should be more considerate of your wants and needs. I don't know if it is too late but i wish you the best with your situation.

Deborah - posted on 04/10/2014

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I've been married 34 years. My husband was a real asshole about sex also. He thought it was all about him. He claimed he 'needed' sex. LOL. His urologist told him that no one NEEDS sex. Sex is not a need, it's a desire. Men will NOT explode from lack of sex. He used to try that lame ass excuse about being 'in pain' with me also. Again, his urologist told him that 'discomfort' was NOT pain. Menstrual cramps are far worse than that little discomfort. BTW - husband's urologist is a heterosexual male. He just doesn't buy into any of that 'male entitlement to sex' bull crap.

Now my husband is physical unable to have sex. What joy I have now. I like to torment him every couple of days for sex like he did me for over 3 decades. What goes around, come around.

Duh - posted on 04/06/2014

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Boo hoo he wants sex. You cant just lay there for a minute when you go to sleep? This is part of being a man, he needs it. Without it he is not content, he is not where he wants to be, he is not mentally happy. You haven't figured that out yet after turning into old bats? jesus. Be glad they want it with you and not some younger, most likely, more attractive willing woman. I really don't see why this is an issue for any of you, a man just needs sex, he doesn't need it to be all romantic and amazing and all time consuming, 5 minutes the end. If you want it longer than that than it is your problem and you are the one who needs the demanding sex.

Dale - posted on 03/30/2014

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frist am a man that been married to my wife for 25 years and we been together for 27. We where high school sweethearts. I love her more now than ever. She don't care for sex any more,she been that way for over 5 years. What early hurts is I found out 4 years ago she had a boyfriend on the internet. You know she got mad for sping on her, Anyways back to the problem. We have 2 kids but both are grown and soon both will be in college. I far as I can tell we share the work around the house . Outside the house my wife makes half the money I make a year , I have try to understand the problem.that why am here but form what i can see it just the same as any chat room men vs women and women vs men.It your fault cause u are a man,Its your fault cause you are not in the mood. I see we both have a need. frist the wife dosn't care for it any more , Second the husband still want to make love with his wife. I have been waiting for my wife to want sex again for 5 years now. I feel lonely and unlove. We don't have deep long kisses any more Nor is there any fore play, It just kiss by love ya etc.Now i see where the ladies are comeing from and I hope u ladies see where the men are comeing from. So is there no compriseing ? I'm way pass jacking off , We need a woman touch, to feel her soft skin the way she smells. Tammy this was not at you i just post to your reply. So help me out ladies I been waiting for 5 years My wife needs are being takeing care of so she says. But mine are not. Im tried of waiting for her to want sex or to care for it again. when is it our turn to get what we want and need. No am not running any woman down I just want to understand more.

Kari - posted on 03/24/2014

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@Kaci,.. That's it exactly. My hubby complain that we don't even cuddle much anymore, but as you said, if we cuddle he will try to turn it into more than a cuddling. So he tells me that he can't do it cause then he wants more and only gets ticked off with not only me, but himself cause he can't control himself. I understand him and so I don't push to cuddle, but wish there could be a happy medium in there somewhere.

@No Way,.. there is part of your problem right there. You come and join a MOM'S group looking for a way to FIX your wife. She is NOT BROKEN! I get it that you men are fixers, being that you thing you can just fix things for your wives when they aren't looking to be fixed, just supported. Sex does not make a relationship. As Jane has said below," I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married."

Kaci - posted on 03/22/2014

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Been up all night for this same reason. I love the intimacy when it happens, but most of the time I just don't think about it anymore. My husband feels like I don't want him but I do, it's just not easy when I have no drive at all. Sometimes all that I want is to cuddle up next to him but he always tries to take it further. It's upsetting that we can't just lay together and enjoy that closeness.

No - posted on 03/20/2014

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As a man who loves my wife I'm torn because I found this site searching for how to fix my wife's low sex drive. At the end of the day I'm about ready to just leave. I don't want to hurt my kids or leave my wife butbi cant take constant rejection or bickering about sex. Cheating on her iS getting old and not what I really want anyway. However as others have said if all we are is good friends living together it's time to go out separate ways.

Jane - posted on 03/18/2014

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I have been reading a lot of the men's comments. Most of them feel that marriage is all about sex. In other words, the reason they marry a woman is to have sex. Not for kids, or companionship, or friendship or sharing life goals. I have a problem with that. As in my other posts on this subject, I do feel men and women have plenty of ways to accommodate one another sexually even if they are not in the mood out of love and consideration for the others needs. But I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married. They should just get whores and pay for it as they need it because if you cannot commit to a family in sickness and health (all these people with low sex drive are in some kind of stress or illness) then you should not have gotten married. The woman who started this conversation has the most difficult work load and stress load I can imagine and it sounds like her husband just leaves a lot to her instead of helping her with it. Even if he works a lot, it is crazy to expect a woman to be in the mood under all that stress if you are not at least going to hire someone qualified to help you once in a while and take the woman out, and cuddle her and make her feel special and feminine. It is hard to feel sexy if no one treats you like a lady. A lot of you men want sex but do nothing RELATIONSHIP wise to earn it. Going to your job and keeping up your house is a given. Don't expect it to turn her on that you worked all day. Expect to have to cuddle her for no reason, kiss her just because, hug her, encourage her, and take her out sometimes and get her mind off the stress. Do your part and stop just being some walking penis who thinks his wife is just for sex.

Jane - posted on 03/18/2014

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I have been reading a lot of the men's comments. Most of them feel that marriage is all about sex. In other words, the reason they marry a woman is to have sex. Not for kids, or companionship, or friendship or sharing life goals. I have a problem with that. As in my other posts on this subject, I do feel men and women have plenty of ways to accommodate one another sexually even if they are not in the mood out of love and consideration for the others needs. But I have a problem with these men that have kids and a life built with someone who will just walk out over sex. These men that make it ALL ABOUT sex, should never have married. They should just get whores and pay for it as they need it because if you cannot commit to a family in sickness and health (all these people with low sex drive are in some kind of stress or illness) then you should not have gotten married. The woman who started this conversation has the most difficult work load and stress load I can imagine and it sounds like her husband just leaves a lot to her instead of helping her with it. Even if he works a lot, it is crazy to expect a woman to be in the mood under all that stress if you are not at least going to hire someone qualified to help you once in a while and take the woman out, and cuddle her and make her feel special and feminine. It is hard to feel sexy if no one treats you like a lady. A lot of you men want sex but do nothing RELATIONSHIP wise to earn it. Going to your job and keeping up your house is a given. Don't expect it to turn her on that you worked all day. Expect to have to cuddle her for no reason, kiss her just because, hug her, encourage her, and take her out sometimes and get her mind off the stress. Do your part and stop just being some walking penis who thinks his wife is just for sex.

Jane - posted on 03/15/2014

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for "Chris" who posted here. If all my boyfriend wanted from me was for me to be thin or else he would cheat I would just say fine, become muscular and buff and take a shower everyday or I will cheat. That is dumb. I am losing weight, a little at a time, safely, and I am trying to walk daily weather and aches and pains considered and I may yet get into a fitness program somewhere, but since I don't have a car I am trying to do free yoga online. With all that said, any guy who says he loves someone but holds shit against them like weight when they are trying to be fit but struggle with it more than others, doesn't really love her and he should just admit it. He is using her.

Helen - posted on 03/15/2014

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to these shitty, selfish men, u know who i am referring to. You sounds so stupid. That's all i want to say. Sex is something both sides should enjoy, ok? otherwise, it is domestic rape.

Naomi - posted on 03/15/2014

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I'm willing to bet you're one of the assholes she was referring to. How insensitive.....

Kari - posted on 03/14/2014

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Why the hell are the men telling me to go to the gym and exercise? I'm not out of shape. I'm 40 yrs old, 5'5, 135lbs and a size 6,... so WTF!!!!! My now 5yr old has been diagnosed with Autism. Non verbal so I have to work with him daily on signing, therapy for his back and arms which are weak. Because he spends most of his time on the floor I have to scrub on my hands and knees 2 x a day, vaccuum 2-3times a day. He has a oral stim so everything ends up in his mouth and needs washing and disinfecting. I have to make aprons for him out of his older brothers old shirts so he keeps his cloths on. Theres a crapload more to do with my beautiful boy. I myself am on disability as well as is my son. I have a boatload of conditions and go to a pain clinic on a regular bases to get injections into my spine and nerve groups. The dx is Fibromyalgia, which means I'm in moderate to severe pain 24/7. I have Interstitial cystitis, or bladder pain syndrome (also IC/BPS), is a chronic inflammatory condition of the submucosal and muscular layers of the bladder. Moderate degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine, osteoarthritis in my lumbar and sciatic spine and both hips and severe anemia. I'm being treated for all of these things. With our combined disability, we could live on our own if that was the choice. My husband is covered under my medical benefits. He pays for our apt rent, I pay for the home phone, internet, satelite and both of our cell phones. I'm the only licensed driver with vehicle in the house. Both of my older boys play hockey for which I have to get my oldest to and from as my ex, take my middle son to his hockey as he plays rep. Despite all of my pain, being hardly able to walk some days,.. I STILL GET IT DONE!!! My hubby knows and appreciates all I do for him and our son as he can't do these things and admits it. So when he wants to get personal and I'm not able,.. he can have some understanding that if he wants to ram into me, while tears of pain stream down my face while I say nothing,. F off to ya all who feel we should split or I should just make sure he's happy while I'm crying in pain. He has been trying and he knows he can be an asshole when it's been awhile and stomps around. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not always giving in just to improve his mood. I often ask him that if he had some accident and couldn't get it up do to pain or just plain old can't as a result, would I get upset with him just because of that, treat him like crap cause he can't please me,..... not in this lifetime!! I love the man, not his organ. You men need to really think about the terms " In sickness and in health"" when it comes to your vows. I don't think a lot of you could stay with your wives if something was wrong with them. This is the only issue we have in our marraige, which is probably more than alot of you can say. I'm more the financial provider in our family. so I don't rely on him and he knows it. So now that I've updated and set the record straight, maybe you assholes, and you know which ones you are,.. will learn to shut up and have some more respect for their woman when she say no to you. Sometimes it's a very legitimate reason.

Helen - posted on 03/14/2014

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I am just so glad to find out so many women out there have the same kind of situation. I don't have sexual desire anymore for almost two years. I don't know what to do, my husband said he understands that our life is stressful now and he is not concerned about my dead sexual desire. He believes once our life gets better and our son is bigger, i will come back. I feel terrible to refuse him all the time and sometimes feel obligated to have sex, but had to stop in the middle of it. I hope it will get better.

Jane - posted on 03/05/2014

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P.S. As for Is It Normal? yes, as you can see by all these comments it is a very common problem especially for people on medications or with illnesses like high blood pressure and diabetes. As for you expecting your husband to just give up on sex i think you are asking too much. Unless you don't have a vagina, there is no woman who cannot use a lubricant and please her man if she loves him enough to put aside her lack of needs for his strong needs. As for you guys out there who are demanding sex and nagging and hinting and threatening to cheat, you need to try understanding how much work sex is when you cannot enjoy it yourself, and give her a break if she doesn't roll over everytime you ask. What if it was you who was being dumped over it? what if you couldn't help the way you feel but you love your wife and kids and want to keep your family together? Don't ask for what you are not willing to give if the tables were turned. And you guys who want oral sex all the time? You better be just as good at going down on her or you can just shut the f**k up.

Jane - posted on 03/05/2014

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I guess this is a lot about love and priorities. Love means finding a balance that works for both people. What if he had a problem and couldn't get it up? Do you love him or is he just a joystick? Now granted, there is a little blue pill for men and not much out there for women, but still, what if he couldn't or didn't want to? Communicate, don't hold it against one another or take it personally when sex drive is down and don't be selfish if you are always horny and your partner isn't. If there are no medical solutions that can help, then decide DO YOU WANT TO BE TOGETHER or not. If not then face it and go your separate ways, but if you do, then either learn to like oral sex (to guys who can't get it up) and ladies use a lubricant and do it for him because you enjoy making him happy and be enthusiastic for him because you LOVE him. Stop nagging one another and placing blame. Find a medical solution, compromise, or break up but stop whining.

Gregor - posted on 02/22/2014

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OMG. I am a man that married my girlfriend 20yrs ago because we loved each other, that was the hugging, cuddling, kissing and the sex. It was so good between us we married, because we only had eyes for each other.
The love that we had together ( because she wanted children) produced 2 lovely kids. Not long after the children were born the hugs cuddling kissing and love making stopped, when I asked it was 'just not now'. So... I waited, months, I thought she was going through the change( she was only 30 ) so I respected her inner problems , as I thought. Months became years. I got high blood pressure due to stress and the psychiatrist I saw put it down to the lack of sex in my life and suggested I ask her to join me in a session. My wife was sooo annoyed I had discussed our personal life with an outsider and nothing was made of it.
She will tell her girlfriends that ' we don't anymore as we are to old for that sort of thing'... when I'm in ear shot, I want to scream! She tells friends how hot some male pop stars are too and yet when we get home nothing is said and she sits in-front of the laptop with Facebook and games till a good hour after I go to bed.
15 yrs on and I am frustrated, she is happy in her loveless marriage and can not understand why I do not want to go on vacation with her.
I understand that you girls can go off the whole lovemaking thing BUT there are two people in a marriage and Oh it doesn't matter, I am a man and don't deserve what I signed up for with that beautiful loving happy girl i met when I was younger. The stress 'ill kill me so so result.

Husband And - posted on 02/21/2014

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Saying no to sex with your spouse makes you a selfish jerk. Period. Why be married if you're not having sex? At that point, you are simply roommates.

What if your husband would no longer look at you, talk with you, hold your hand, or provide for your financial needs? He would be selfish and you would be miserable. It's the same thing.

Rejecting sex with a man is rejecting the entire man. If you don't want to have sex with him, then you should have never married him.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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question>>>>when you were "courting" did you tell him that in 20 yrs you won't be having sex? had you told him that would he have married you? YOU changed the terms and its not fair to him. If you bought a car from me and 2 yrs later I came by and removed the air conditioner you'd be pissed right? you bought a car WITH A/C as part of the package not temperary A/C. Well he married you WITH sex as part of the package.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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Both of your posts are cop outs. If a man thinks about sex every 4 seconds than wouldn't it make sense that a man's brain is HIS sex organ? You have a choice and you chose stress. You are in control of your time make some for yourself. then for you and hubby.

Jeffrey - posted on 02/14/2014

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The larger question isn't is loss of interest in sex is normal. The larger question is are both of you OK with it. People lose interest in sex for lots of reasons. Some may be contributed to health. If you are out of shape or have other health issues that make sex a physically taxing endeavor then I guess it would be normal to lose interest. If your partner has changed drastically in their physical appearance, I guess that's another normal reason. And all of these reasons can be addressed. Mr. Ingram is full of crap by the way. The truth is that for us men....its about validation. Feeling that my wife wants me sexually makes me feel good about myself. When she denies me repeatedly, I second guess myself and find it rather emasculating. Here's the series of questions you need to ask yourself: 1. Do you have the right to make him celibate against his wishes when that's not what he signed up for? (assuming he doesn't go elsewhere for sex) 2. If you are OK with him getting sex elsewhere are you OK with leaving the door open for him to fall in love with someone else and leave you? You claim he's not patient. Here's a news flash if you are only having sex "every month or so" he's more than patient. Now here's the real talk. Right now your husband is trying to figure out how to replace you and still manage child support, alimony, etc. From what I've read, its inevitable and justified. Now if you want to save your marriage, I would suggest you drawing some boundaries and sticking to them. Clearly he is insensitive to your workload. Set a boundary that will allow you to get some rest and feel more appreciated. Also, I'd recommend that you start a workout program and take some time for you. AND STICK TO IT. Perhaps after you feel more rested and after you feel better about yourself, you may be more receptive to his advances.And yes you can wake him if the house was on fire so that's no excuse. Now if you aren ot willing to impliment these changes and he is not willing to accept these changes, then the BIG change is coming and I'd suggest you find a good divorce lawyer real talk..

Pete - posted on 02/13/2014

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To all the men on this website who are knocking these women, you are mostly talking shite! I am 52 and have a very low sex drive and if you don't have sex for a long period, there is no pain anywhere, that's horseshit.

It's refreshing to know that there are women who exist that don't feel that sex is everything in a relationship.

James Ingram is talking bollocks when he says that to men, marriage is all about sex. You need to see a shrink mate, I think there is something wrong with you!

This world has become so sex obsessed.
If sex is all you want all the time, you really need help.
Get a hobby as you clearly have too much time on your hands.

Give these women a break from all the crap and horseshit you're all spouting and go buy an inflatable doll, you will probably associate mentally with one of those as well.

James - posted on 02/07/2014

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I created a log in to this group to respond to this issue. I am 53 year old man. My wife and I had two children who are now grown and out of the house. Since I stand on the other side of parenting, I have a different perspective to offer.

Having a baby it traumatic, stressful and turns a marriage upside down. I remember, when my wife was pregnant with our first, older married people, with kids, would give us knowing looks when we talked about our future plans. "Just wait" they would say. We thought we had it all going on. Little did we know.

The first year, after my daughter was born, I think we had sex maybe twice. Everything that has been said in these posts are true. Lack of sleep, stress, body issues and general lack of libido all took its toll. Where did I stand in all this? I thought I would lose my mind. The woman I loved had been taken from me. I lived a life of lonely existence, trapped inside the confines of marriage without warmth, tenderness, touching or desire. I was alone and abandoned while still technically living as husband and wife.

Imagine if your husband one day stopped talking to you. Oh he was there but he just stopped saying anything to you. You beg him to speak but when he does he tells you that he can't understand why you want to hear his voice. He is through talking to you. You talked when you were first married and now he doesn't feel the need to talk anymore. This only way I can describe how it feels, to a man, when his wife stops wanting him sexually. It is devastating.

In my case I hung on through that year. I still remember how hurt, lonely and miserable I was. It got better but really never returned to the those heady days of newly wed bliss. I guess that is to be expected.

I write this because I find the comments like "he just needs to suck it up" or "sex isn't everything" unnecessarily cruel. If you don't care about your marriage and don't mind being alone then by all means stop having sex with your husband. This is not all about you. To men, marriage is all about sex. If you stop then that means the marriage is over.

Universally, I hear women say "I just don't think about sex." I understand that women with small children have a lot on their plate. My advice is simple. make some time to actually think about sex. You don't have to do anything. Just think about something nice, that has to do with your husband and sex. Just as you expect your husband to think about you, do this for him.

Peggy - posted on 01/27/2014

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I was sexual since 4 years old and it caused problems but once i grew up It was ok for years and then found someone just like me 5 years ago Then went thru menopause and totally screwed me up. I love him but have a business , kids grandkids, lots of stress. A woman's sex organ is her brain. Hard with a lot stress. Just sayin.

Peggy - posted on 01/27/2014

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A womans sez organ is her brain we r to busy to even think about it. sad but true. And men can't even image it Because every 4 min. they have a sexual thought. We can not win just saying

Terri - posted on 01/23/2014

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I have been married for almost 26 years and feel my husband is unhappy with me because I have lost the desire to have sex. I am 46 years old with 3 boys, 2 whom are grown and 1 that is a teenager. The 2 older boys are college grads and living back at home until they can get jobs to fully support themselves. It's not that I don't want sex, it's just I have no desire to have sex and unfortunately, I am not a very affectionate person. He and I have had multiple conversations about this and seem to upset him more than me although I worry about it just the same.I have tried many things such as medication to improve libido and watching movies that are geared towards improving sex (even watching porn to see if that would do anything). He knows this but yet I don't think he really understands what efforts I have made to help myself with this. I struggle and am bothered by the fact that my husband is upset with me off and on because of my inability to show affection and/or desire to want to have sex. I resolve to researching online for potential ways of improving this or to find others in the same boat. I feel he would be happier separated from me so he could get all the sex he wanted. I wonder if I should let him go so he can be happier and pursue a separation? I don't know the answer...I just don't know what else to do.

Judi - posted on 01/13/2014

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Mom sitting here reading this and it feels like I wrote it.... I wish I could offer advice but I still haven't figured it out. Glad to know I'm not alone though.

JeziJerry - posted on 01/09/2014

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I work hard, maintain the house, help shuttle the kids, etc.. I'm not expecting kinky sex, but to use the excuse you are tired... what the hell do you think I have been doing all week. If you decided to end your sex life, at least be honest with your husband so he can look elsewhere. If you don't want him doing that, give him a divorce. But you essentially decided to not be married anymore when you cut off the sex. At least be honest about it. Men get their feeling of intimacy from sex, not holding hands by candlelight over sushi. What your man is feeling right now is that his marriage is over. Bottom line. Now make some decisions so he can figure out a way to be happy and not angry over his indifferent "roomate" whom he pays the mortgage for.

Dawn - posted on 01/05/2014

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I feel like you, i am 42 and have a one year old, two teens and helping to raise my grand daughter. I do not want sex at All! I want him to stop asking. I have thyroid problems and just have no desire. My mom thinks I should have sex with him, as my duty. I was offended, could not believe what she said. He is also verbally abusive. A relationship is more than sex, if not then your partner does not love you. It is not a need it is a want, you don't need sex to live. Why are we made to feel wrong for not wanting it. I think it is popular opinion that sex is what composes a relationship. Not me love and respect come first. My mom said I am with him for a paycheck if I am not sleeping with him....REALLY antiquated thinking. Most ideas proposed are not even based on what women want, rather that the needs of men. We are equals, and yet we are different. People change, having babies, working, health and time changes, its time to adjust the views on our sex addicted culture.

Tim - posted on 12/30/2013

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Most of you women have issues. It sounds like you have lots of problems or you would not be indulging in writing about your concerns. I'm sure when you met your husband,partner you had sex. Obviously situations have changed,but men don't.They need sex for a comfortable relationship and keep an honest mind.

Peter - posted on 12/25/2013

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women, sit back and recall all the times during a week when your man is doing something that he doesnt like. you are not special and your men will either cheat or leave you. you will die alone and lonesome but well deserved. there are too many women who like sex and too few good men who can/will support his family. remove the deadbeats, drug addicts, players, the crazies, and gay men and the male to female ratio is very skewed towards us. your men deserve better and i hope they find it. you are not worth it

Patty - posted on 12/24/2013

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I have been with this man , going on 4 years, he wants sex ALL the time, I want to leave, I don't want sex anymore, he is 63 and I'm 49. We started living together in July, he says he loves me, but I've told him about the sex, he says I don't kno what is wrong with me, , ii love making love to you. I really can't stand it, anymore, I'm not working at this time. I do have a friend (male) who will let me stay with him, he's never tried to touch me in appropriate. Confuse

Carole - posted on 12/22/2013

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I can relate I am 35 and when I was 18 Iwent on anxiety medication and I had thought that that's what had stopped my sex drive but its not until years later after being off the medication that I now know it wasn't the meds because I still have no desire.
I wish that I could flip a switch and i would suddenly have it but it never really was there. I have 2 boys 12 and 10 I have been with my husband for 17 years and i work full time and I suffer from health anxiety. At the end of my days I feel very tired and 90% of the time I have anxiety. I have no desire at all to have sex even when I see another guy that is cute the thought of having sex with him never crosses my mind. So I know its not my husband its not an attraction issue. My anxiety takes me to dark places sometimes. I have always had anxiety at night and have a hard time sleeping. So by the time we get to bed at 9 I am tired and I have anxiety to some degree.
I can't focus on sex and I just plainly font want to. I feel bad because my husband is the guy that wants it every night no matter what. It helps him sleep. I tried to talk to him to see if we can compromise and have it every othet night but he doesn't see thst having sex all the time is an issue. So I have no idea how to deal with it. Pretending would not be fair so what do I do?

Amie - posted on 12/20/2013

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I am 18 and im with my 20 year old partner. I see him once a week and all he seems to want is sex...and I cant do it. I dont want it, I think hurt his feelings when he comes on to me and I brush him off.. We do other things sure but he unsatisfied with once or twice a day.... has to try and beat the Guinness world record! Ive told him I think its tedious and I dont want to have sex all the time... I dont need it! But he finds he does.... TOO MUCH. Because of this I think sometimes I am short with him... I dont mean it. I love him but his libido is so high he could be a pornstar. I find myself sad that I lack intimacy and never get horny. It makes me angry when he wants so much sex knowing that itll make me sore.

I know this is a forum for mothers, but I have related to your stories. I need help. Please.

Jennifer - posted on 12/20/2013

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A couple days every month my libido is strong. However, between work and parental responsibilities, its almost impossible to find time to be one on one with my husband. So I take out my trusty vibrator ... As I've often said to my husband, masturbation is quick and efficient.

The rest of the time I have no interest in sex. Unless I have a couple drinks and flirt with someone.

Honestly, I'm craving variety ... maybe my best bet is to date another man, make out with him, then run home to go all the way with my husband.

Vicky - posted on 12/18/2013

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sorry i don't normally say this but you sound like a very mean woman... i am 32 and married with a 4 year old.... you are probably hurting your husband and his feelings very much.... if you don't care you shouldn't be married. he sounds like a nice guy who wants some affection from his wife

John - posted on 12/09/2013

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Hi all!

I'm a husband and dad who is in a sexless marriage. I've read a lot and here's my take.

Everyone is different. Some love sex, others abhor it. Male/Female... it doesn't matter. What matters is that in a relationship compromise is key. We all know this.

It's unfair for either partner to *not* compromise, so if you love sex and your spouse doesn't, neither having it all the time or never having it is fair to anyone.

My experience: My wife has shown no interest for years (12 years now). While we have sex roughly every month or two, it certainly does feel like pity sex. It's horrible. She never brings it up.. I do all the time.. I've gone weeks and months without even mentioning it.. no difference. I have done more housework. Nothing. Date nights.. nothing. Tried to make myself more physically attractive going to the gym every day.. nothing. And on and on and on...

Despite lots of chats (always my initiative) she gets upset. Extremely defensive. I see a lot of the anger on this board through my wife as well.

NO ONE IS BROKEN.

But your spouse is your vocation. It is YOUR JOB to make your spouse happy. Again, this doesn't mean one person always get their way, but I'd say 50% of the time, each gets their way. This is fair. That is marriage. If you don't agree with that, leave your marriage now.

Be respectful: Both should be respectful, but be open to ideas. I would avoid straight out saying 'no' ever. That's horrible. I would express that you don't like something, but be open to doing something less frequently. Or say, 'Not tonight, but tomorrow I'll defintely be up for something" - even if you're not.

The goal is that you're both happy and satisfied and most importantly feel loved. There is no other objective in a marriage so you should work towards this NO MATTER WHAT.

It's also important that the partner with less libido listen to their spouse. What turns them on? Is it housework? Dates? Massages? Do that!!! And for the lower libido folks, COMMUNICATE THIS!!

My final words for those who don't want sex with their partner or spouse:

Listen to your spouse lower desire spouse. Your spouse doesn't want to anger you. Who would? It's not easy to bring this stuff up knowing you'll likely get rejected. It hurts. But they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't want you over ANY OTHER LIVING PERSON ON THIS PLANET.

Then realize that sex to some is critical to them. It's not unlike any other critical element of a relationship (honesty, loyalty, service, etc). Now think about that... Let's take honesty as an example

If your spouse wasn't honest with you... and avoided discussions about honesty, didn't WANT to be honest with you, hated honesty, continually lied to you (not being honest), told you they weren't or couldn't be honest with you... How would you feel? Hurt. Rejected. Lost. Frustrated. Maybe even furious. certainly divorce would be something you'd consider. That's pretty scary!!

What if they said that they would be honest with you once in awhile just to keep you happy, would that be better?

No. Of course not. That's ridiculous.

Intimacy is no different. It really isn't. It's THAT important to your spouse and should be thought of the same way.

Anyways, I wanted to let you know my thoughts. I got the distinct feeling that higher desire spouses were getting slammed a bit. I'm here to say that it's certainly no easier on our side.

My wife are working on this, but it isn't easy. I wish you all the best of luck.

John

Don Juan - posted on 12/04/2013

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You're husband is, or is going to, have an affair. Just accept it now. See, it's one thing to not feel like having sex anymore. The problem is the apathy you have for HIS situation. Clearly he still finds you very attractive, and still wants to be intimate with you. You seem to view sex as some act, I think it's the other important facet of showing you his love. That apathy you seem to have, is what's going to ruin everything.

Tapd - posted on 12/03/2013

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This whole article is so typical. Man vs Woman again. I do however agree that the guys in these stories should not keep hounding you for sex.... however.

Let's look at some facts..
Fact if a man were to say I am tired been with the kids all day blah blah, the first thing you women would say is he is a lazy and no no good. Some women would say this not all.

Fact a woman can resist sex, a woman can get out of the mood for sex at the drop of a hat. Why? Women are more emotional than men, they need more than just a smile and a cute butt more than just sex. They need that mental connection as well as that physical connection. Some women not all

Fact most men are more visual some men(can live on sex alone) can just look at something(might not even be a woman) and they get aroused. And if that man is truly into you then he is going to be aroused even more often when he is around you. In other words they can get into sex with out that mental connection to their partner. Some men not all.

Now my situation is just the same however I am the one does not want to have sex, and my wife is reacting just the same as some of you women are complaining about with your husbands. She makes the smart-ass comments dropping hints all the time and so on. It happens to some men too, they just lose interest in sex.

There is many reasons this happens, stress, depression, health issues and so on. In my case being at home with the kids(stay at home dad) health issues and depression was affecting me. So sex was the last thing I would want. However unlike you ladies here that are making excesses, I visited my doctor and had a long talk with my wife. It helped though at times she still makes comments and such... just not as often.

instead of getting angry with your other half try being smart, sit down with him/her talk about what is going on. Maybe both of you go together and discuses it with your doctor, whatever it takes to make things better.
And if she/he doesn't listen or seem to care then you two should not have gotten married in the first place.

Telling your other have to go look for sex elsewhere is not going to work cause as soon as they do then there will be a whole new mess of problems. Anger and wanting to punch someone in the face is not going to make things better.
If you truly love each other with all your heart be smart...

Tapd - posted on 12/03/2013

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This whole article is so typical. Man vs Woman again. I do however agree that the guys in these stories should not keep hounding you for sex.... however.

Let's look at some facts..
Fact if a man were to say I am tired been with the kids all day blah blah, the first thing you women would say is he is a lazy and no no good. Some women would say this not all.

Fact a woman can resist sex, a woman can get out of the mood for sex at the drop of a hat. Why? Women are more emotional than men, they need more than just a smile and a cute butt more than just sex. They need that mental connection as well as that physical connection. Some women not all

Fact most men are more visual some men(can live on sex alone) can just look at something(might not even be a woman) and they get aroused. And if that man is truly into you then he is going to be aroused even more often when he is around you. In other words they can get into sex with out that mental connection to their partner. Some men not all.

Now my situation is just the same however I am the one does not want to have sex, and my wife is reacting just the same as some of you women are complaining about with your husbands. She makes the smart-ass comments dropping hints all the time and so on. It happens to some men too, they just lose interest in sex.

There is many reasons this happens, stress, depression, health issues and so on. In my case being at home with the kids(stay at home dad) health issues and depression was affecting me. So sex was the last thing I would want. However unlike you ladies here that are making excesses, I visited my doctor and had a long talk with my wife. It helped though at times she still makes comments and such... just not as often.

instead of getting angry with your other half try being smart, sit down with him/her talk about what is going on. Maybe both of you go together and discuses it with your doctor, whatever it takes to make things better.
And if she/he doesn't listen or seem to care then you two should not have gotten married in the first place.

Telling your other have to go look for sex elsewhere is not going to work cause as soon as they do then there will be a whole new mess of problems. Anger and wanting to punch someone in the face is not going to make things better.
If you truly love each other with all your heart be smart...

Waleed - posted on 12/03/2013

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I've heard that women who remove their tonsils lose their desire for sex. I wonder if that applies to any of the cases here.

Best regards,

PS They also no longer have the energy they once did.

Luke - posted on 11/30/2013

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I am on the other side of the relationship from the OP. Just for a little background, we are 27 and 26 with an almost 2 year old boy. Married 4 years. Love each other, spend all of our time together and enjoy each others' company. Both work and both of us take care of the boy and the house, both good parents, both attractive. When we do have sex, it is very good for both of us. But....

My wife doesn't seem to want sex anymore. I think to her it feels like a chore. We have talked about it and we both get upset. I've told her that I will back off and not pester her if she will make an effort to initiate more often. Always sounds good, but then two weeks go by with no sex. I went 2 months without asking and we didn't have sex for 2 months without her even realizing it had been that long.

Anyways... while we haven't yet resolved our issues, I wanted to weigh in from the other side.

I understand you don't want sex and you feel like he is the bad guy for wanting it (and letting you know that he wants it) when he knows how you feel about it, but you have to understand that sex IS a part of a marriage. It seems like many people here view sex as some secondary part of a marriage that is more of a bonus than a primary aspect, but that is not the case. You can hire someone to come clean your house, or cook for you, or pay all your bills for you, or watch your kids, etc., etc., and no one is going to get angry about it. Can't really do that with sex. If the husband goes out and pays someone for sex on a regular basis I would bet that that marriage is pretty much going to be over (I know mine would be). So by that logic it would seem that sex is more of a primary aspect of marriage than any of the other things listed, right? Marriage is about love, and sex goes hand in hand with love generally speaking. If you aren't wanting sex but you still love your husband, then you guys need to figure out why and try to fix it- simple as that. Figure it out and start having sex again.

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