I love sex with my husband, but don't get any

Alishia - posted on 10/19/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I am having a hard time turning my husbands head. We have been married only a little over a year now and we have no kids together but 3 in all. One is mine, and 2 are his with his ex wife, who all three live with us, always have. So, why aren't I able to turn his head? I have tried EVERYTHING, but porn... He doesn't like it he says. We are both young, me being 21 nad him 26. We used to do it every chance we had, and even before he went to work while he was trying to get dressed to live with our door closed and LOCKED and kids home in the living room watching tv and playing. So why am I having such a hard time turning his head.... It's not the fact of turning him on, I have tried the "pleasure him and he will return the favor, but he just lays there and doesn't get into it anymore. We have gone 2 months without sex, which for me is hard, I love having sex with him and retain myself all the time, but now it's only when he wants it. He doesn't do any forplay or anything, he gets right to the point and doesn't take his time. I feel like he is unattracted to me and not in love with me anymore.... My self esteem has gone down to an all-time low. Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong?

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Isabella - posted on 07/04/2010

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maybe he has to deal with the stress of his ex...and now he has the stress of wanting to please you, work and his social life has maybe gone down the drain a bit? maybe he is stressing about money and all of those things stop the turn ons...just like maybe sometimes when you are stress you dont exactly think a lot bout sex. lol. though sex would help haha the pleasing yourself is a GREAT idea because as Emma said...men hate feeling like they're missing out..if he doesnt respond to that every now and then mention one of your most exciting nights with him...it will remind him and the happy/sexy thoughts of you will come to mind..i know this sounds silly but try the whole soft tickly touches when he is sitting on the couch watching tv..kiss his face and outer lips but not his lips. brush past him when your both in the kitchen or about to go for a shower...the small things always make the biggest difference....do you get mad? say things when you are mad? dont because a big wall will go up and you will both never get anywhere like that lol. (ive learnt that from experience :|) also maybe he sees you too much of you...the excitment to see you isnt there...try hanging out with your friends a lot more and he will miss having you around and that will spark some passion..to show you he loves you. hope that helps...all of these are contributed into the relationship i am going through and i find him more chasing me than ignoring me now so to speak :D good luck

Emma - posted on 04/20/2010

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If you ask him and he says no go and DIY, men hate thinking they are missing something, if he comes to join you that's great if not there is no reason you should live without the big O.

Chandra - posted on 04/14/2010

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I'm sure the chances in your life - marriage, supporting 2 new people, etc. have taken their toll. Besides talking as the others have mentioned though, if he just isn't interested he could have a hormonal imbalance - low testosterone - would he consider being tested?

My husband and I have the same issue - we have worked out some "bargains" He is an artist - so I offered to pose for him if we had sex at least 3x a week - so far it's only worked out once, but once is better than nothing!

Mine claims he is still attracted to me, but I am finding that harder and harder to believe. I know work is not stressful for him as he is currently working "his dream job"

It is SOOO hard, hang in there - I do think the talking, counseling, testosterone test, may all be helpful. Try to remember why you fell in love - it wasn't just the sex (I assume) maybe find some ways to try to remind him of that too - any kind of intimacy can help lead to sex - a hug, a kiss, holding hands, a back rub, etc...

Good luck - I'm glad I am not alone - but sad for us all!!!

Kia - posted on 10/20/2009

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It sounds like stress might be the reason. If it is stress then I can imagine it would be tricky to find a solution.

I'm sure you have had a lot of advice to talk to him but maybe just a conversation about how he is feeling about life at the moment - and keeping the focus of the conversation on him (even though your feelings are very valid) he will probably respond a lot better if he feels his wife is just asking him to tell her whatever is weighing on his mind, and the conversation not necessarily being about sex at all to begin with.

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Laura - posted on 03/18/2014

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I'm 33 weeks pregnant and we haven't had sex since conception, and before we had rarely any sex. I am amazed how I could have become pregnant with just one episode!
my husband is stressed and with anxiety - he feels chest pains all the time and thinks he is going to have a heart attack any minute. he has tried counseling a couple of times, but he tends to miss most sessions.
No hope for me at all. We've talked about it and he just doesn't have any sex drive at the moment, and he feels even more pressure, he has rejected me in bed a few times now...so I Just have to accept him as he is. BUT that doesn't mean I m not getting my big Os. Every Saturday I have been having my beautiful baths with candles, erotic imagination and sex toys. it is amazing what imagination can do. Sad to say, but now I am more into this kind of sex than any other h could give me. Which is any. I think of my first love at university, he was hot! And I just imagine him fancying me and telling me pretty things... So handsome and young... And another day I think of a different guy... There are no limits! Just need to get more toys. It may take ages until he feels better. I have a feeling that it could never happen. Sometimes I have felt like cheating on one of those websites for married people, but now even if I wanted i cannot because I am pregnant! I wonder what would happen If he found out, he shouldn'd be upset with me for cheating, specially now that he knows I do miss it a lot and he cannot give it to me. We all have a right to have sex. I' ll have to wait and see, but meanwhile I am sticking to my DIY and my imagination which is safer and more faithful and loyal to my husband than real cheating...and it kind of works!

Guy - posted on 03/11/2013

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That's my life.. Except I'm a stay at home dad with MS.. SOOO, imagine what my self confidence is like now. And it's been like this since 2008

Kitty - posted on 04/15/2012

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man we used to have sex daily when we dated back in 1991 and for a while til my girl came sex was still good ! and then.. over the years things slowed right down!
and I just had the abalation done 2 months ago now.. and wow IT sure made things a whole lot harder!!!! things dont even happen :( i cant even excite myself now! ''when we do it'' a Orgasum is alot harder to ''get to'' it tiers me out now! once i get there I am happy but it is small or it is one big one'' then im done ! wow I say :(

I am 38 gonna be 39 in july...

Trina - posted on 04/06/2012

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I was contemplating leaving mine. Sex every 2 months just doesn't cut it. If I have to go without having sex with the one I love and have loved for 7 years I think I would rather deal with the pain of him not being there instead of the pain of him being there and not wanting to touch me any more.

We get along great its just the sex part I feel like if I have to take care of myself anyway why should I stay with him. It really sucks. Glad I am not the only one going through this. You feel like you are not attractive at all any more. I thought maybe I'm too fat Lost i 25 pounds and I ended up getting cut off even worse go figure

Paula - posted on 06/11/2010

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Well ugh thanks....I am glad to see lots of other ladies with the same issue ]]= My love and I have been together 13months and I have a 13.5month old and a 2.5yo and I gained no weight with my kids but gained 70lbs with Mirena]]= and now I am trying to lose it and I feel like thats our issue but he stresses to me he loves my body the way it is yet still not touchy]]=
I guess maybe he is stressed just having 2 kids and a "wife" instantly....thanks ladies

Andrea - posted on 05/20/2010

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OMGOSH!!!!!!! This is my life to a tee. My husband and I used to hump like rabbits, we have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. We have been together for 7 years. Im so lucky if i get it once a month. I have no idea what to do, it has gotten to the point that i just take care of myself. he doesnt even try. Its so bad that when we do he just does his business and gets off. there is no emotional connection anymore. If there is anymore advice out there for me i will gladly take some.

Allie - posted on 04/12/2010

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Maybe you two need a few sessions of counseling. Just to help the two of you understand what is going on in eachothers lives.

Kathi - posted on 03/23/2010

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You have just discribed myself and my home life, and trust me your self esteem just continually gets driven further and further in the ground. Its pretty depressing actually especially when you used to be so confident.

Ashley - posted on 01/25/2010

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Are you dating my husband?? Hahaha. It's like we have the same exact issue. We have a 15month old daughter together, and I can't help but think the same as you...that there's something wrong with me?? I gained a lot of weight after my pregnancy, so...? Maybe that's it? But same boat as you. No foreplay. No nothing. I did however give him oral almost everyday when I was pregnant because he wouldn't sleep with me. And as a sex addict, I needed SOME kind of stimulation!! But now, that's STILL all he wants!! What the hell??

Jillian - posted on 10/27/2009

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i have nearly the exact situation, my husband and i have been together for almost 7 years now, i am 23 and he is 24, and we have an almost 7 month old daughter together. for maybe 3 or 4 years it has been this way, i only get it about once a month, and it really started to get to me and every time i brought it up it started a huge fight, i finally realized when he started to get laid off on and off from his old job when he wasn't working he would be way more into sex, i realized it was the stress of work and just being exhausted and tense about one situation or another. i also realized that the reason talking about it always started such a big fight because (though he would never admit it) feeling like he couldn't perform made him feel immasculated in a way. like i was pointing out that he was less of a man because he didn't want sex all the time like a man should. once i understood how he felt more it was a bit easier to deal with. now i take it when i cant get it and enjoy it to the hilt (forgive the pun lol) we still fight over it sometimes, and it really sucked when i had my daughter because he got 3 weeks of paternity leave and the tables were turned so he was the one wanting it and i felt like raw hamburger down there! anyway i hope that helps and i am glad to know i am not the only person who feels this way!

Alishia - posted on 10/20/2009

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Thanks again. It's VERY much appreciated and he is one of them who is more than others lol.

Kia - posted on 10/20/2009

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Your welcome, I hope that helps.

When women are stressed we reach out to other people a bit easier than men, who tend to hold it all in and isolate themselves. I think most men are a little self centred (some more than others) but if you take control and work on being a team then I hope things get better from there. Good luck.

Alishia - posted on 10/20/2009

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Thanks Kia, I really appreciate it... I'll try it and as far as my thoughts being valid, how I feel and what I think and all is never heard or important. I just have to suck it up and get things done that rely on me. It's like he doesn't care much bout anything but himself... others are starting to see it that way too.

Alishia - posted on 10/20/2009

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I have tried talking to him about it, but everytime I do, it starts a fight.

Carey - posted on 10/20/2009

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have you talked to him about it? tell him how u feel and that u miss him and the times you had together.

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