Anniversary..

Tricia - posted on 09/09/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello.. I dont know if anyone is even following this anymore, but sometimes it is good just to write it out.. *sigh*

It is coming to the 1 year anniversary of my loss. I feel so foolish feeling this sad. I also feel like i havent even started to begin to heal from losing my little angel. Some people seem to think i am over reacting since I lost at only 9-10 weeks. But I had built a future already. She/he was in my heart.. in my womb.. in my dreams. I had names, and themes, and dreams picked out. And all of that came smashing down when they couldnt find the little blossom inside of me. it had withered away, deciding not to grow... to die along with my dreams.

My husband was done after our second, and i wanted more. This one was a surprise. A REAL shocker. I hadnt been having my period for over a year. And then I was feeling sick, and thought it might be a cyst, (I have PCOS and endometriosis) but on a whim, tested. It was the furthest thing from my mind. So i felt blessed, and scared. But i wanted the baby. Even though, one night after fighting with my dh, i cried for it to go away.. was God listening/??

I am rambling, sorry. My sister is due any time now. I cant help but think there is something beautiful in that. Extremely hard and painful, but I HAVE to find the beauty in it. A while back when she lost a baby, I got pregnant with my daughter. But it KILLS me each time i HEAR a baby, let a lone see one. How am I going to do this?

I know I am selfish because I have 2 beautiful children, and SO many cannot have any. I would give anything to be a surrogate for them. I love being PG. I love delivering. I was born for it. received. I just cant stop hurting. I wish i could just turn it off. When does it get easier??

Thanks for letting me ramble and cry!

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[deleted account]

Tricia,

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. I'm not sure it does. But we are strong and find ways to cope and find joy so that it does not destroy us. Many days it will be nothing but tears and pain. I have lost 3. I dream of one day delivering a child, but I do not know if that will happen. Anniversaries are tough. Between dates of loss and due dates it is a roller coaster. God will pull me through this.

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