I now know what devastated means.

April - posted on 06/02/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My name is April. I am 33 years old. I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to end it on 5/24/09.



My story:



I was married for 7 years to my first husband; the father of my 3 children. After the birth of my daughter, I was forced to have a tubal ligation, by him and my grandmother (the "Don" of our family). After years of his abuse and adultry, I decieded I'd had enough which ended in a very messy divorce, I met a great guy online, and we got married only 3 months after my divorce was final. We've been married for almost 9 years. We've wanted a child of our own since we decided to get married!



So, after losts of research and money saving, I had a tubal reversal in January of this year. I knew that there would be a higher risk for ectopic pregnancies.



I found out I was pregnant on May 6. I was beyond excited. I had all the symptoms of pregnancy, except morning sickness. At 4 weeks pregnant, I began spotting. This scared me, because that had never happened to me before. I also began having minor pains all around my abdomine. Nothing really focused in one area. After 4 weeks of HCG tests, my levels finally were high enough for the ultrasound to make sure that the pregnancy was in the uterus. The doctor saw nothing.



That evening I started having very sharp pains in my left side. So, the next morning I went to the ER, and they did another HCG test, and told me to come back the next day. That it was either ectopic or twins. Two different ends of the spectrim, huh? The next morning, they did the next ultrasound, and still saw nothing. So the doctor told me that I had to have two methotrexate shots to end the pregnancy.



It's a week later, and the physical pain is starting to pass. But the emotional pain is still here. My friends had started buying me maternity clothes, and baby stuff. I had to pack all of that up last night. I cried the entire time.



Are we going to try again? Yes, I'm sure we will. But my chances of an ectopic pregnancy are now even higher. I DO NOT want to go thru this again. But it is so hard to see other pregnant women. I am not jealous, I'm happy for them. It just brings to rememberance that I didn't get to feel him kick or move. I have one friend with a brand new baby and three very dear friends who are pregnant right now. I dread their baby showers. I'm sure when they get here, I'll be fine. But right now, I don't want to be around anybody pregnant or babies. I cannot stop crying, and it's been a week. I don't even have to be thinking about the baby, and boom! I'll just burst into tears!



Does it ever get better? Does it ever get easier to be around babies? I have to fight every day just to get out of bed. I know that were it not for God, I could not bear this loss. If you've ever dealt with this, or multiple ectopic pregnancies, please reply. I need someone who understands.



Thanks,

April

2 Comments

View replies by

Bella - posted on 03/09/2015

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After a miscarriage, making the decision to try for another pregnancy can be difficult. It is natural to want to become pregnant again right away after going through the heartache of losing a baby. However, you should wait to attempt again until you are physically, as well as emotionally ready. You may want to check the http://pregnancyhours.com site for information on trying to conceive after miscarriage, there’s lots of very useful information like how to boost your chances of getting pregnant, what you should and shouldn't do, what kind of food that actually boost your fertility, how to have a healthy pregnancy and so much more.

Kerri - posted on 12/24/2009

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Dear April, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Words are never enough when you are experiencing this grief. Our Laura was lost in miscarriage 6 yrs ago, but it took a long time to live life again for me. Do not expect to much of yourself right now. My sister and i had both been pregnant at the same time and after i lost my baby i could not handle being around my niece. It took me almost a whole year to even look at her.

I am glad you have other children. I had other children as well and it was helped distract from the intense grief and focus out side of my self.

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