Dana - posted on 03/06/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )
So, I'm a couple of weeks away from the anniversary of my sons death. I can't believe it's been 2 years... I really think it's hitting me even harder this year than it did last year. I've had a lot of other stress going on in my life the last few months, mostly money related and the fact that my husband and I see things differently as far as financial things are concerned. We also just had our third child 2 and a half weeks ago. She is a huge blessing, but it is still some extra stress. She also looks almost exactly like my son. Clayton would have turned 3 this past January, I only had him with me 14 1/2 months. I was pregnant when we lost him and both of our children after Clayton have been girls. I love my girls and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I want another boy so bad I can't stand it. I know we are going to have at least 1 maybe 2 more kids, but I'm almost scared for the next time I get pregnant. I honestly don't believe that Clayton was supposed to be my only son only to lose him after such a short time, but I think I might lose my mind if our next baby is also a girl. -strange to be thinking about the next baby already, I know, but these are the things rolling around my head tonight and I'm having a bad one.- I've been completely overwhelmed by worry lately. I'm so scared that something's going to happen to one of my girls or my husband or me. I don't know if it's a little postpartum or what, but the worrying's getting a little out of hand... I went to the cemetery today, I haven't been for awhile. I used to go a lot more often and I feel guilty now that I don't go as much. It's just harder with the girls and I don't really want anyone there with me when I go. Since I never really want to leave the girls that makes it difficult. I hate it because I can't even really imagine what he would be like now. I think all the time about what he would be doing and what he would look like. My cousin has a daughter that was born 2 days after Clayton. Every time I see her it's so hard. I can't believe all the stuff she's doing and I should have a little boy doing those things too. I may just lose my mind if this just keeps intensifying in the days leading up to the 25th. All I want to do is cuddle my girls. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. It's a lot like it was right after we lost him.
I know this is a jumbled rambling mess I just felt the need to write and didn't really want to write a blog because I don't care to have anybody I know reading it. They'd just talk to me then...