Coming up on the anniversary...

Dana - posted on 03/06/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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So, I'm a couple of weeks away from the anniversary of my sons death. I can't believe it's been 2 years... I really think it's hitting me even harder this year than it did last year. I've had a lot of other stress going on in my life the last few months, mostly money related and the fact that my husband and I see things differently as far as financial things are concerned. We also just had our third child 2 and a half weeks ago. She is a huge blessing, but it is still some extra stress. She also looks almost exactly like my son. Clayton would have turned 3 this past January, I only had him with me 14 1/2 months. I was pregnant when we lost him and both of our children after Clayton have been girls. I love my girls and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I want another boy so bad I can't stand it. I know we are going to have at least 1 maybe 2 more kids, but I'm almost scared for the next time I get pregnant. I honestly don't believe that Clayton was supposed to be my only son only to lose him after such a short time, but I think I might lose my mind if our next baby is also a girl. -strange to be thinking about the next baby already, I know, but these are the things rolling around my head tonight and I'm having a bad one.- I've been completely overwhelmed by worry lately. I'm so scared that something's going to happen to one of my girls or my husband or me. I don't know if it's a little postpartum or what, but the worrying's getting a little out of hand... I went to the cemetery today, I haven't been for awhile. I used to go a lot more often and I feel guilty now that I don't go as much. It's just harder with the girls and I don't really want anyone there with me when I go. Since I never really want to leave the girls that makes it difficult. I hate it because I can't even really imagine what he would be like now. I think all the time about what he would be doing and what he would look like. My cousin has a daughter that was born 2 days after Clayton. Every time I see her it's so hard. I can't believe all the stuff she's doing and I should have a little boy doing those things too. I may just lose my mind if this just keeps intensifying in the days leading up to the 25th. All I want to do is cuddle my girls. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. It's a lot like it was right after we lost him.
I know this is a jumbled rambling mess I just felt the need to write and didn't really want to write a blog because I don't care to have anybody I know reading it. They'd just talk to me then...

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7 Comments

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Jenny - posted on 08/09/2009

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I am so sorry for how bad the pain is I also lost my only son it was 9 years ago July,25 I have 2 daughters that are older and when I lost my son I had already gotten my tubes tied so I can"t have anymore kids me and my kids dad ended in a divorce due to him not being supportive and telling me to get over it and move on and there was some abuse but when I met my husband he had a son that was only a few months younger than Brenden it was scary and even more so when we got custody because his mom wanted to party instead of have kids she would come to visit here and there and then she just stopped after years of her not seeing him I adopted him it was a blessing since I couldnt have another son I know how you feel about wanting another son you love your girls with all of your heart and they are your life but you are still missing your son and I hope you get the blessing that I did and you get your son and I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband I hope everything gets better for you...well as better as it can get and dont worry about not wanting to talk to people I am sure they understand we all go through it, it is very hard losing your child if you ever need to talk I am always here to listen

Marinda - posted on 04/20/2009

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While reading your post I start thinking back to the times when my children where that age, and it is as if the though of loosing one of them at that age would`ve been .. I don`t think there is a word to describe what my feelings would`ve been, you just want to protect them, holding them safe, care for them, and them to have something happend to them,..

I can understand all your mixed emotions, we`ve lost our daughter 4 years ago at 20, and it was and still is devestating. I just don`t know how you cope with two little ones, do you have any help, someone who can take the girls (who you could trust) for a few hours or so, to give you some alone time, time to do something for yourself, like visiting his little grave or just sitting quietly by yourself, or whatever you may need to do. I also think that you must have a talk with your doctor for maybe some medication if he/she thinks its nessesary, to just get you through this emotional time, And Dana, talk as much as you needed to about him, even if you think what you`re saying is silly or doesn`t make any sense, we who have lost children will understand, and will always be more than willing to listen. All of my love to you, always

Dana - posted on 03/13/2009

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Clayton was about as good a baby as you could ask for. Very happy and even tempered, he even woke up happy. He'd be smiling before his eyes even opened. He looked just like his daddy... He occasionally got into mischief though :) One day it was too quiet and I was looking for him, I found him elbow deep with both arms in the Crisco he had pulled out of the cabinet. I came in right about the time he was flinging it off of his hands... We went skiing a couple weeks before his first birthday. It is a 12 hour trip and he cried maybe a total of 30 minutes the whole way out and back. On the way home he was studying my brothers friend really intently, she was chewing gum and he started mocking her. It was the cutest little face he made when he did it. He was always so happy for my husband to get home. He'd run to the door and if I tried to take him back from his daddy he'd shake his head at me and curl into Wes. I miss him so much.

Christina - posted on 03/11/2009

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Oh my gosh I know.... It has only been a month for me but I still feel like it is a dream and I will wake up and my son will be here. He was so much fun. His sense of humor was amazing. Tell me about your son... What are some stories you remember?

Dana - posted on 03/11/2009

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Thanks for the prayers. I know they have to be helping even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. We are Christians and for awhile after we lost Clayton I think I felt even closer to God than I had in a while because I know that He is the only way I ever get to hold my little boy again. Then, for Clayton's second birthday I had all our family come over, everyone had written him a note and we attached them to balloons to release. Well it was a nasty windy day and some of the balloons caught in our highline, some caught in trees across the road. We live in the middle of nowhere basically, there is basically only 2 places they could have gotten caught up and they did. The next day was sunny and no wind. After that I had a really hard time for quite a while trusting God at all. I felt like I deserved for something small to go right, I mean, I had already lost my son and I really felt like that should be enough. I don't think most people understood why that meant so much to me but I just really felt that I had been let down. After that a string of little thing just added up for awhile. I had actually been doing better, but all the stress I've been under for the last few months has just been adding up and pushing me back under. I really feel like I want to give it over to God, but I can't let it go. It's like I'm trying to build back trust with a friend and I'm scared to do it. I know it doesn't matter if I let it go or not, what's going to happen is going to happen and I'm only hurting myself but I just can't seem to get there...

Crystal - posted on 03/10/2009

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Aww sweetie! What a terrible amount of pain you must be feeling, have u seen a counselor about how u are feeling, i mean no one or anything can ever take the pain away but maybe they can help u with some techniques to manage how u feel. I will be thinking of u on the 25th. Maybe u keep thinking about having another child because u want ur son to come back so desperatly!! My heart break for you. sorry i am not much help

Christina - posted on 03/09/2009

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I am sorry you are hurting...There are no words to describe when someone loses a child. I don't want to take away someone else's pain because they lost a loved one(mother, friend, husband) but when you lose a child it literally breaks out heart. I don't know how you do it. I know I live minute by minute. I am sorry you and your husband aren't seeing eye to eye on home life issues. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you beleieve in God and that he is comforting you at this time.

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