Loss of a child!

Christina - posted on 02/14/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Has anyone lost a child. I don't mean by miscarriage. I am sorry, there is a difference?

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Lisa - posted on 02/15/2009

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I'm sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers are with you and I hope you find all the comfort you need in God. I can understand the devastation of such a tragedy, my daughter Brooke passed away at 23 months in a car accident.

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Eve - posted on 11/08/2013

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I lost my Son and the love of my live six weeks on Sunday night / Monday morning , It's the most terrible experience i could ever have imagined , Every parents worse nightmare and doubled !! , A normal Sunday enjoyed a walk then lunch and off he went with his friends , Came home showered chatting away in his daily joking way , Plans for Monday etc god i love him so much always cheerful and the most helpful son any mum could wish for ,He was txting me luv u etc and alway's made me smile ..The last txt said luv u mum hehe xx and off to bed i went , I was awoken with the sound of my intercom and i flew out of bed , The police car was there and i swear on all i love i never ever imagined that they was going to tell me the worst news ever !!..Total shock , numb , tears of course and i could not breathe ,Next thing i remember was an ambulance outside !! I was saying what is happening is my Son in the ambulance ? i had no idea what happened and then the police doctor asked me to go to the hospital i refused and told them my Son will be home soon and when he arrives he will take me ...I sit here six weeks on Monday still waiting for him to come home .. Yes we had the funeral and it was sad but to me it was like attending someone's funeral not my Son's ....All his friends said he died like a king and praised his funeral ... Why am i sat with this pain and endless tears ..

Tammi - posted on 06/27/2013

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Hi Christina,

My daughter, Savanna, was turning 2 years old and had a terrible and tragic drowning accident 2 weeks before her birthday. This happened in 2007 but it still hurts as if it happened yesterday. The guilt and grief is almost unbearable at times but I have learned to take things one day at a time. I never knew how much her death had impacted my life....the things I used to like no longer seemed important, the conversations my friends would have seemed so pointless and irrelevant, and everything changed. It's like people don't want to talk about it or bring it up because it's such a tragic experience so I felt like I was suffering in silence most of the time. No mother should ever have to face such devastation but unfortunately, as long as we live in an un-perfect place, we as humans must face issues like this every single day. As June 30th approaches, I will remember her and miss her on her b-day. I am excited to be a new member of this group and look forward to getting to know other moms who share similar experiences!!

Angel - posted on 10/06/2011

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On Aug 9 2011 I had a baby boy who past away Aug 11 2011. He was put on life support and as the days went on he was getting worser. The dr. wanted me to make the choice to take him off. I could not see him like that anymore so i had to do the hardest thing i ever had to do. I had to say bye to him and i held him while they take the support off and i told him mama going to be ok. You have people in heaven waiting for you he take 4 breaths and he left me with a smile on his face. I knew he was gone to a better place and thats what helps me the most.

Christina - posted on 12/05/2009

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Hello Leslie,

I am deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. The words you have spoken are my thoughts. My son died in January of 2009 an accident that shouldnt have happened. Words cannot express how I miss him every day and constantly have to grief in private. I have learned many things these past eight months. I learned about my strength and about how lucky I am to have the family and friends I have and it is only God who is comforting me. Yes, it still hurts but I knew my son so well i know what he would want. I think about his smile, his laugh and how he knew how to work a room... lol I also think its more difficult having kids at home in the sense that you have to live but maybe we are lucky to have them so we can make sure we get up in the morning. Don't let anyone tell you how to grief and that its time to stop. Talk about your daughter and keep the pictures up. You need to grief and you need to remember the kids will grief in their own way and give them their space to do it but don't stop remembering... And, yes it stinks that I had to visit my son on his birthday at the cemetary but I felt so much peace there, it was strange but I did. Not looking forward to having to visit him at the cemetary but I will.... God bless, I know there are no words to help people who have lost a child but know there is life it will just take time but we wil never forget. People have asked me why can i still believe in God and be faithful when he took my son away. My response is we have to hate and go through pain to know what love is if we dont how will we know how to live......

Christina - posted on 12/05/2009

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Quoting Leslie:

Hey there-

I am new to the group. I lost my 10 year old daughter on Feb. 25th 2007. It was a very sudden, tragic accident that could have been prevented. Not a day goes by that we don't blame ourselves. The what if's will always remain. I have learned to cope with each day but the saying time heals all wounds I think is a bunch of bull, sorry. I think of her every single day and just imagine what she would look like now. I also have a 16 year old daughter, and a 7 and 9 year old little boys. People don't speak her name which also gets to me because it makes me feel like she never existed when I know she did, so I pretty much suffer in silence. I am sure you all know what I am talking about. And as for the miscarriage thing, I have had one right before i became pregnant with my oldest son and it was NOTHING like this, this pain is unbearable at times . When I miscarried , people seemed more worried about me then they do now? When I was really ok! I just guess it depends on far long you are in your pregnancy, I was only 6 weeks and didn't feel pregnant............Anyway all I know is that I had a very active 10 year old little girl,, I would watch her play and help her with homework and bring her places and now I visit her at the cemetery. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

Hugs to All.


 

Christina - posted on 12/05/2009

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Thank you Trina, yes I agree with you and I also try to put myself in theri shoes heck I wouldnt know what to say either but sometimes I get irratated. But, I give alot of Grace and its only by the Grace of God that I am who I am and I am comforted by God otherwise I don't know how I could go on.

Janelle - posted on 11/04/2009

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I really liked the group in Idaho that my husband and I went to for about a year. It was part of the MISS program. It met 1 time per month but then we moved to Mississippi and the closest group is over an hour away. I know it helped me and sometimes I didn't say much and sometimes I didn't want to even be there but I am glad I went and I wish I had that option again!

Trina - posted on 08/10/2009

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The pain is so evident to those of us who have been through this type of devastation. We know that there is no one on earth who "knows how we feel". There is no one who misses our child the same way we do. We know that the pain never goes away. But everyone else doesn't know these things.



But in reality, do you want them to know this the way we do? Some people can simply be rude, but most people are simply without words. They feel the need to say something so they end up saying something cliche or something they hope will help. They are not trying to be insensitive, they just don't want to cause you additional pain, so they try to say something. Others say nothing at all because they don't want to cause you additional pain. And since everyone grieves differently, there is not one simple thing that a person could say to help.



My point is, MOST people are truly only trying to offer something to you. It helped me to think of what I could say to express my feelings in a way that didn't make them feel stupid. For instance, when someone would say something like, "He is in a better place, I would simply say kindly that "it doesn't make the pain any less, I still miss him terribly." Every person I ever said that to, would then agree with that statement and it would frequently open the door for more conversation.



We just have to keep in mind that they are TRYING to speak (or not speak) comfort to us.

Leslie - posted on 07/07/2009

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Hey there-

I am new to the group. I lost my 10 year old daughter on Feb. 25th 2007. It was a very sudden, tragic accident that could have been prevented. Not a day goes by that we don't blame ourselves. The what if's will always remain. I have learned to cope with each day but the saying time heals all wounds I think is a bunch of bull, sorry. I think of her every single day and just imagine what she would look like now. I also have a 16 year old daughter, and a 7 and 9 year old little boys. People don't speak her name which also gets to me because it makes me feel like she never existed when I know she did, so I pretty much suffer in silence. I am sure you all know what I am talking about. And as for the miscarriage thing, I have had one right before i became pregnant with my oldest son and it was NOTHING like this, this pain is unbearable at times . When I miscarried , people seemed more worried about me then they do now? When I was really ok! I just guess it depends on far long you are in your pregnancy, I was only 6 weeks and didn't feel pregnant............Anyway all I know is that I had a very active 10 year old little girl,, I would watch her play and help her with homework and bring her places and now I visit her at the cemetery. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

Hugs to All.

Kimberly - posted on 07/02/2009

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Quoting Christina:



Dear Erin,






Thanks for your post. Yes, u are correct I always have to ask friends to tell me to breath. I pray but I have so much on my mind and I want him back but I know he won't. I also found out some things about the accident that I don't know what to do.... I will keep you in my prayers also....





i too cant pray when terran died one of the ladies who had been at ronald mcdonald house and was kind of a house grandma terran loved her so i was concerned for her after terran died and we were packing to go home she arrived i knew she did not know yet about terran i tried to be as kind and all she said well child he was never yours in the first place he's home wiht jesus



 



i was livid how dare her my baby my son my life was killed only an hour ago by those he and i trusted with his life and this is the best she could say he was nver mine that i should be grateful god let me have him at all needless to say i have no tollerance for anyone anymore when someone says it will pass i correct them and say no it will not pass it never goes away but fades only slightly i never want to forget terran or what he meant to us



and when someone says you cant change anyting your only one person i think of my little boy and how much he suffered at the hands of the doctors and such and how he trusted them and i think of all those who showed up at his home funeral and they did not even know him except through the news paper and yet he only ten years old touched more lifes than i could ever in my life time he taught so many so much and yet barely ten he had the wisdom of the ancients

Kimberly - posted on 07/02/2009

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i too beg god to end my suffering and in my heart i think only death will end the pain we must endure

Kimberly - posted on 07/02/2009

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yes while i dont refer to him as lost after all he's not a wallet i lost at the park he was and is my child anyhow my son became an angel sept 24 2006 at the age of ten it still hurts

my baby grandson also died at the age of 1 1/2 in a traffic accident

Christina - posted on 04/26/2009

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thank you Heather and Marinda,



I remember back in December when I heard the John Travolta lost his son and though I don't know the family they just seem really nice and I even shed a tear for him and said to myself " I don't know how they feel and it was just devastating" little did I know that I and we would experience that same pain. And we know what pain that is, My heart acutally broke... I know time heals or gets alittle bit easier to continue each day but i remember his smile and his big hugs he alwasy gave me and it still stinks that he was taken..Grace and I have finally I think gotten our rhythm back or at least as much as it can be. And, Mother's Day is coming which is difficult but i just still have to be told to breath.... Thank you all for your post, please continue...

Marinda - posted on 04/20/2009

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I wish I could tell you that your heart will stop hurting, but honey, I`m sorry, the pain will never go away, you just learn to live with it, I celebrate mothers who have lost a child and still have little ones to take care of, My son was 21 when his sister passed and I couldn`t cope for a long time, I just wanted to die too, the pain was just to much to bear, moms like you are very special in my eyes, and you`ve also got a very special little girl there, stay strong for each other and keep on finding sthrengh in each others love. all of my love and a hug for Grace

Heather - posted on 04/16/2009

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For me the pain will alway be with me my daughter was 11 and it was not something you ever should have to go though,it has been 2 years now and i still feel as if it was yesterday, I don't have the faith that some of you have as i feel how can someone or something let this happen to anyone but i have had so much happen in my life all i can say is why? I lost my sister when she was 14 when i was pregnant with my daughter, I hope you all feel that you are not alone out there we all shear your pain, as only we can know.As for when people say about miscarriages all i do is smile and think you cant begin to know how i feel you never will.

Any time you need to chat just let me know.

Hxx

Christina - posted on 03/19/2009

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Quoting Nics:

hi i lost my partner on14 november 2000 i was 3 months pregnant it was awful i was 20yrs old i never forget my mum saying to me "nothing as bad will EVER happen the worst thing has happend to you " when he past away ..then on the 31st of jan 2001 i had my little girl i was 23 weeks 4 days she was 1p4 she was tiny my angel i called her faith she was so tiny beautiful everything SHE WAS MY WORLD.. the docs said she was very poorly and wont live till the weekend.. it was awfulll all the walls around me come squashing me in... faith lived for 10days she pased 10 feb.. i love her miss her EVERY DAY shes 8yrs old now and i just WISH I COULD SEE HER hold her kiss her.. i miss them both soooo much.. people say to me still to this day " i no how you feel i had A MISCARRIAGE i wanted to jump on them and scream at them... i no i had 10 days with my baby but she was my life,my baby,my world my EVERYTHING so i do totally understand how you feel .. but i do understand you had a lot longer with your children.. i dont no what i would do in your situation but i do feel as you... sending all my love to my baby girl faith and her daddy and also to you all who have lost your loved ones... takecare nic xxxxxxxxxx



I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a loss, no matter what age our child/ren were when they passed. It just seems there are alot of people who have lost children at such a young age. I have greatful that my son didn't experience pain when he died, I am thankful that I have such wonderful friends and family but, people go on with their life. After a  couple of weeks when people stop sending cards and stop calling, they go back to their lives. My life is minute by minute, I laugh, I cry, I love, I scream, I hurt deeply that my son was taken from me and nothing will bring him back. It so saddends me.  I don't know how you did it, you must be so strong, to know that your child may die, I just don't know what I would do...I will pray for you and all of us, I know there have been times that my response on some of the other questions probably weren't very encouraging but I have to deal with that. I probably shouldn't respond right now to things.... Take Care  Christina

Christina - posted on 03/17/2009

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Hello Dalene,



Thank you for your post. I have a daughter who is 11 and was there and saw her younger brother die. I feel it is harder to have her because she does't want to talk about it right now and so I feel like I have to put aside my mourning, I do talk to people and I do have an awesome support. But, I will always miss him, he was so funny and just enjooyed laughing and making jokes.....

Dalene - posted on 03/16/2009

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I lost my 5 year old son 1 yr ago and the pain never goes away, you always wonder what he would have grown up to be and all the other stuff that we will be missing out on. Thank goodness we have 2 daughters to help us through this tough time.



I will always have that hole in my heart and no one can ever tell me that it will get easier, because i dont think it will.

Christina - posted on 03/15/2009

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Dear Erin,



Thanks for your post. Yes, u are correct I always have to ask friends to tell me to breath. I pray but I have so much on my mind and I want him back but I know he won't. I also found out some things about the accident that I don't know what to do.... I will keep you in my prayers also....

Erin - posted on 03/14/2009

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As a mother who is on the other side of six years since losing a child...I can tell you to breathe deeply. Pray alot and take everything one day at a time. If you need to chat I am around.

Nics - posted on 03/13/2009

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hi i lost my partner on14 november 2000 i was 3 months pregnant it was awful i was 20yrs old i never forget my mum saying to me "nothing as bad will EVER happen the worst thing has happend to you " when he past away ..then on the 31st of jan 2001 i had my little girl i was 23 weeks 4 days she was 1p4 she was tiny my angel i called her faith she was so tiny beautiful everything SHE WAS MY WORLD.. the docs said she was very poorly and wont live till the weekend.. it was awfulll all the walls around me come squashing me in... faith lived for 10days she pased 10 feb.. i love her miss her EVERY DAY shes 8yrs old now and i just WISH I COULD SEE HER hold her kiss her.. i miss them both soooo much.. people say to me still to this day " i no how you feel i had A MISCARRIAGE i wanted to jump on them and scream at them... i no i had 10 days with my baby but she was my life,my baby,my world my EVERYTHING so i do totally understand how you feel .. but i do understand you had a lot longer with your children.. i dont no what i would do in your situation but i do feel as you... sending all my love to my baby girl faith and her daddy and also to you all who have lost your loved ones... takecare nic xxxxxxxxxx

Jody - posted on 03/12/2009

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Ladies, I commend you for your strength.  My heart breaks for each one of you. Please consider going to a "group therapy" session even if you think you will get nothing out of it.  I'm sure there are some tools you can acquire from hearing another person's coping strategy this is why I suggest a group setting rather than a 1-1.  This type of loss is too great to endure "on your own" weather it just happened last month or years ago.  God Bless!

Christina - posted on 03/11/2009

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Thank you for your emotional yet encouraging post. I am sorry for your loss. I am only comforted by the fact that my son did not die in pain. I don't know why that is comforting but it is... So many times when you hear stories of somone losing a child, you hurt and feel grief for them but when it hits at home it is painful... I know people don't know what to say or do.. But, sometimes they can say something so out of place and inappropriate, I do give them grace but I do complain about it to close friends...



I don't know how you are feeling about the trial. Obviously, the accident was something that wasn't just a routine accident? Will you speaking at the trial? And, the tough question to answer have you forgiven the person who caused so much pain in your life? Sorry, if these are too many questions... I hope we can interact soon again... Regards, Christina

Wanda - posted on 03/10/2009

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yes there is a difference! So many sub catagories of grief,mourning,pain, and stages.

my son was killed 8 mths ago on way to a job. He is only fatality. Driver and 2 other passengers survived. He had a lovley very non traditional service . We are working through stages, my sons wife, 4 little children,siblings, best friends, clergy. Approaching the jury trial stage. You were correct to be specific of your thread. I have longed for the group who know what it is like to have a child taken in the seconds of time a tragic accident occurs. I will guess the few that go to trial would be a thread getting too narrowed down in specific emotions.

The poem that helps me most says it like this...

"please don't tell me you know how I feel. YOU DON'T , because you couldn't. (this is OK) Not unlessYOU HAVE LOST A CHILD >>>> THIS WAY!!!!!!!!

Each of us in unique in our situations. Simply put we gain the most assistance from those who can guide through the "same stuff".

Christina let me validate your statement of there is a difference. I doubt I can not find much of a circle who lost a child / viewed their child unwhole. I doubt there is a large group of mothers who battle the issue of getting to be forgiving. How big a group could there be who will soon be sitting off to the side in a jury trial.

Point is, I have made it beyond my miscarriages. My children were never informed = times were different so I ache there a bit alone. I know the fright of becoming pregnant again, and the wonderment of how this angel baby would look NOW.

For a select group or 2 it is very original that 3rd parties remain in the hardships.

But (giggle).............when a mom of any situation feels overwhelmed in the helpless stage of "I'll never be over it" WE ARE ONE ONCE AGAIN. We cry, we hug those near us tighter, we learn, we grow, we reach out for help and then........like a miracle... are blessed with the ability to help others. I appreciate your clerity and efforts Christina! Thank you. Your words do validate some thoughts.

Crystal - posted on 03/10/2009

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Hi,

I have not lost a child but couldn't read without posting.

My heart is simply breaking just thinking about the pain u must be feeling and will feel for the rest of your life. I am litually crying at the moment and would just like to give everyone a virtual *hug* :( so sorry to hear of your loses.

Christina - posted on 02/17/2009

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Dear Dana and LIsa,



Thank you for your posts. Finally I am not alone. I know people don't know what to do or say, Like we knew what to do when our child passed. I didn't think I would have the experience of that. But, the outpouring of love that my daughter Grace and I have recieved has been amazing and I didn't realize how we affected other people. There were over 700 people at the viewing. Please tell me my heart will stop hurting, tell something good will come out of this because it takes every ounce of my being to get up in the morining. I have a daughter Grace who is 11, she has been amazing. She even spoke at Stephen's funeral and wrote it herself. So anything that u think can help please pass it along. And yes, can I just tell u I haven't gotten so many people that said the same thing, i had a miscarriage and I know how u feel. Oh my, I did give them some grace but that was all God....

Dana - posted on 02/16/2009

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Oh yes there is! I lost my son almost 2 years ago and I cannot tell you how much it bugs me when someone who miscarried at 6 weeks told me they know how I feel...

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