How do you get out of an abusive relationship(mentally)?

Janet - posted on 02/19/2010

There are a couple of ?'s I have to ask before I can give an informed opinion to you. I was in an abusive relationship, mentally, physically and emotionally and when I asked for help there were questions that i needed to answer. Here goes, #1- Do U Really Want Out of this relationship? #2- Do u really want this person out of your kids lives? #3- Do your children want this person out of their lives? and most importantly, #4- Is this your home or theirs? In response, without knowing the answers, I would Ask this person to not make comments concerning my children, especially negative ones. If the asking has not been enough, then demand it. Until this person is willing to take on the complete role of parent, inclusive of emotional, physical and financial support then their opinions don't count. I realize that this is easier said than done, but put it to them directly, " If you cannot and will not help me with the children, then don't talk. I am doing the best that I can being that I am acting as a single-parent since I don't have your help". This way, if they realize that they are not helping you they may stop. If they don't stop, then and only then and if you are completely prepared to do so, Ask them to leave your home. If asking is not enough, then tell them to leave even if it means your packing their things and if worse comes to worse, pack enough stuff for you and the kids for a few days, get your locks changed, pack the stepparents things and put them outside the door, when they cannot get in and they see their things outside, unless they want trouble, they will then get the hint. In a day or two, when you think that it's ok for your to return home, come home and continue to live your life in peace with your children. Just remember, you made the choice to make them leave, if they return it may only be worse in the long run. I still have to meet a person who is mentally, physically and/or emotionally abusive that has the capacity to change. Hope that everything works out for you. Be careful and take care. If u ever need help I am always here. Thanks for the opportunity to help a mama.

Alina - posted on 02/18/2010

Hola Brenda; lo mejor que pudiera ser una mujer en este caso; es dar por terminada la relacion, bueno si se le puede llamar asi, mas bien diria una tortura china. Ningun ser humano debiera vivir asi. Amate mucho, y veras lo valiosa que eres, no tengas miedo y sigue hacia adelante. Espero te halla gustado el consejo o mi opinion. :)

Nashira - posted on 02/14/2010

I was in a situation just like this; I'm not sure if you took some of the advice given but all of them were very good and step by step.....I would also get my support system together if I was in your situation. When I was there; I had my family behind me. Now I am married to a very good Airman and living far away. Still have contact for my daughter's sake but nothing that will interfere with me and her or us and the new life. I asked him to leave; gave him a certain amount of days to get out. I am sure his family wouldn't leave him out in the streets. Then I packed his stuff for him! I made sure to leave it out before going to work. When I returned my Mom was so proud holding my little princess in her arms......Like I said I am now happily married to a different man that loves my daughter like his own.. They are out there; you have to be patient. It is all in GOD's Time! I learned that the hard way, though. Good luck to you. I am sure you will do what is best for you and your kids. Just remember the kids learn from Mom and Dad; if Dad is not there then just Mom; if Mom is not there then just Dad......GOD Bless you and your family.

Myra - posted on 01/27/2010

restraining order!!!

Shannon - posted on 01/27/2010

you have to think of what is best for your children...staying in a relationship that you know is not working is only going to teach your children this is acceptable way of living, get help especially if he has verbally threatened you! I don't know you situation, but if you are on speaking terms with your kids father you may want to consider talking to him to get his help especially for the safety of you kids! its not easy but you have to protect yourself and kids all together.
If this is not a choice tell your family or friends gather all the support and start making arrangement or whether he is leaving or you are....this is no time for being indecisive!
If you own your own home get legal advice to discuss division of property, settlement etc... if you rent ~its easier to leave and get your own place...or move in with family until you are better situated, talking and no action leads to misleading lines of communication and gives him the impression you not serious, this pattern will continue and before you know it your back to the same situation!
All the best! god bless and stay strong!

Janie - posted on 01/22/2010

Here's what springs to mind. Have an intervention. Get friends and family who will support your decision and all of you together tell them that they will no longer be tolerated. Give the person a deadline (within a few days) to find somewhere else to live. That's what I would do, but trust your instincts and do whatever feels right. Be sure to protect you and your kiddos by having somewhere safe to go if this gets ugly. Talk to a close friend or counselor who can help you process your feelings. Standing up to abusive relatives is difficult, but doable. Unfortunately I know this from first-hand experience. It's up to us to be role models for our kiddos ...and to surround them with people who will nurture them. Be strong. Be a Leona for your little cubs.

Jessica - posted on 01/21/2010

i been through exactly the same situation, look, plain and simple, he's not going to leave especially if your paying for everything, you need to think about your kids, he threatened you, call the cops, i did it, and you can do it too, and let me tell you that i'm much more happier now and so are my boys and thats what counts

Ana - posted on 01/21/2010

well that sould be exacly your main reason to call the cops and get a resctiction orden so he can't get close to you or your children! or you want to wait until the worst happend? you have to take action.

Brenda - posted on 01/20/2010

thanks for the advice, but see I'm not that kind of person to just be mean and do does kind of things... either he leaves on his own or he leaves on his own... what's so hard about doing that? he does not have anything to hold him back. He is too stubborn he will not leave, I have spoken to him very clearly and very proffesional and still he does not understand..... see another thing is that if I do decide to doing it the F _ _ _ way then I'm risking the life of my children and myself... he has harrased me and said that If I call the cops on him.. I don't know what is gonna happen to me.. so that's one of the main reasons why I do not do it that way!!

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2010

well, in my opinion, if he is just living off of you and not contributeing anything, then you shouldnt be together, especially if he doesnt accept the children you already had when you met him. if he lives in your home, it will not be easy getting him out if he doesnt want to leave b/c of something called squaters rights, thats when someone who has been living with you for more than 30-45 days basically becomes part of the household even if they are not on the lease, if he's not on the lease, just wait for a day he goes out for a long time and change the locks while he's gone, if he calls the cops, you simply tell them he walked out on you, you guys broke up, and that he wants to be with you and you dont want that and for him to leave you alone. if he is on the lease, then your gonna have to go to family court and get him legally evicted from the apt. / house. i hope this helps

Ivelis - posted on 01/20/2010

Jessica I would say you know, if you are not in a healthy and loving relationship then get out of it. Better sooner than later. Its not healty to be in a relationship with no love. Especillay if he is not the father of your children, dont take it anymore. As long as you can support your children I say leave him. No relationship is good with no love.

Brenda - posted on 01/20/2010

Well what I'm trying to say is that I have been with my husbdand for 9 years. At the beggining the relatiosnship was okay, but I did do something very wrong... I never did speak with my children about this new guy entering our life.. I Know that was BAD!.. and now really we cannot get along, I do not love him anymore!! our main arguments are always about the financial situation we are in, I feel like I have a 4th child, and I really do not need that, he always depends on me for everything he does not have a mind of his own. We do not have children together he has always asked for one, But because of the relationship we have now, I feel that having a child by him would just make the situation worst! Now the main thing here is... if I'm going to be with someone who is supposed to support us phisically, mentally, emotionally wouldn't that person need to accept my children at a 100%?? I feel used by him, if I have someone who supposed to care for my family and I that person wouldn't have to take from me right? or I'm wrong? you tell me.... Thannks!

Jessica - posted on 01/19/2010

can you provide a little more info so we can better help you?