Trouble expressing anger and frustration

Valerie - posted on 07/02/2011

Thanks Micaela. With love and logic, we allow him to feel the way he does and if he needs to express it, he has to go to his room. I tell him that those kinds of behaviors are not acceptable around the rest of the family. He usually calms down fairly quickly when he is sent to his room, but when he talks with the words "hate" and "you don't love me", I immediately want to talk about it to find out what his thinking pattern is so I can redirect it. As a result, this tends to escalate his emotions. I try to give him other words, I just feel like I'm doing a good enough job with it and I end up getting frustrated. I guess I'm afraid that I'm going to get that call from the school counselor/psychologist.

Micaela - posted on 07/02/2011

Hi Valerie, I agree with Monica that using a stern voice is helpful when correcting inappropriate behavior. Allowing children to express themselves is essential in their development. Guiding them to what your expectations are is essential as well. If hitting and yelling are not behaviors that you want in your household then you can sternly voice this to him. When mine had tantrums this is what I did, "Hold up! I know you're mad and everything like that but you need to calm yourself right now! Look at me! Do yourself a favor and breathe. Let me see you breathe." After a little time passed (to come down from the anger), I'd ask "Now, you need to tell me why you hate this house" and they'd say something like, "I didn't say that" or "I didn't mean it" and I shoot back "Yes you did" or "You didn't mean it but you said it" and then I'll go into how they need to think before they open their mouth (consider the feelings of others) or before doing something they could get in trouble for (like hitting people). Most times these tantrum episodes were misplaced angers; not having my full attention; cat not playing the way they wanted her to play; stupid commercial, they remembered that I had said they had to go to bed earlier, etc. Being angry is a part of life, it's how you deal with that anger that matters. You're his first teacher, show him how you want him to behave.

Monica - posted on 06/21/2011

I hope so to keep me posted!!!

Valerie - posted on 06/21/2011

Thank you so much for your advice. When he was 3 yo, he too was much better behaved. This is recent behavior and the time out, or taking away things is just not working anymore. But I will continue to pursue what you've mentioned and hopefully he can get back on track. :-)

Monica - posted on 06/20/2011

I can tell you from my experience with my 3 yr old I try and let her make her own decision as far as what she wants to eat and wear (cloths and shoes) but she has choices to pick from that way it is limited and she doesn't drive me crazy and will be able to make the decision. She also has responsibilities like cleaning her room, cleaning after herself and she also loves to help me around the house. She does mimic me so she thinks shes the lady of the house and runs things I do let her believe so but I also let her know her boundries and she gets rewarded and punished depending on what she does. I use stickers, a candy, fruits and veggies (whih she loves) an outing, to be rewarded for good deeds. For punishment I may take away a toy but (especially if she leaves her toys laying around), using time out even naps when it's not nap time. I may sound like a drill Sargent but I'm just trying to mold my daughter and now that I have a newborn it does help. As far as the yelling and tantrums when my daughter attempts to play parent I make sure to nip it in the butt as soon as it happens, I can't say it happens often due to making sure to nip it when it started although sometimes she forgets. What ive noticed works best is being stern (very stern) when you talk to your son. My boyfriend has always been the laid back one but recently realize that she doesn't really repect and listen to him and I told him he has to put some base in his voice when he talks to her because she walks all over him. She has started to take him more serious because while trying to discipline her and laughing is confusing her and she thinks he's playing and she disregards what he's trying to say. I hope this helps some don't hesitate to write back if this helps, either way I wish you so much luck!!!!!

Valerie - posted on 06/18/2011

A love and logic program is where with love and empathy, the parent allows the child to make own choices, where the options are still in the parent's control. The goal is for the child to learn from their consequences. Most times this works for my son, but when he loses his control, it's hard to get him to listen. We also know that how we respond to situations have bearing on how he deals with circumstances. So we've really worked on reigning in our volume both with issues with him and others. Being a Latina, I am a loud person, and this has been very hard for me.

Lena - posted on 06/18/2011

Please explain what a love and logic discipline program is