Behavior Worse than "Terrible Two"

Samantha - posted on 05/31/2010

Hi

Ive had problems with my daughter since my split from my husband not long after she was 1. With her i find its confusion as he never sings from the say hymn sheet as me!

I too have tried many many different things to try and control her. At her worst she kicks and headbuts :/ She too is very strong willed and wants to do it all and her way! Most the time i admit that time out, 2 minutes up against the nearest wall works but not always. My other tactic which has never failed on Keira (as she tends to curl up in a ball on the floor ans scream!) is to simply say "ok, you stay there then having a tantrum, i will be in the lounge when your done and we can have a cuddle" within a few minute, no more than 5 usually she appears.

I only ever do this in a safe environment. I find it works ok. I always explain why she was wrong or reasoning behind any situation. I have started to see a slight improvement,

I also find that the baby whisperer and toddler whisperer books are fantastic. Keira has always thrived on her routines.

I do hope you get sorted and dont loose your sanity over it, some kids do tantrum worse than others.. who knows maybe you'll have an easy teenager :)

Wendi - posted on 05/31/2010

Hayley, I know what you are going through and I sympathize. My daughter has been the same way, she turned two in March but has been in her "terrible twos" phase since around 12 months of age. It has been so challenging! My son, who is 5 1/2 now, never even went through any terrible phases until this year. That means we have had the "terrible twos" and the "fretful fives" happening at the same time! It's been awful at times. The only difference between the two is that my son knows better than to act out in tantrums and therefore, he does not act out except at home. He will whine though, which can get old really fast. My daughter is much like yours and it has been tough to get used to ditching the shopping cart or just walking away from an activity and going home right away. It is really tough on us moms, however, it does work. I agree with Renee on the time outs and getting them to a place to calm down before they get completely out of hand. I know that it is not always possible, but try your best. (A time out will also help you to have some breathing room so that you can keep from getting too angry and it will also make it easier for you to ignore her fit.) Two yr olds are smart and they can understand you and will continue to learn from you if you stay strong and remain consistent. At nearly 27 months now, I only have to ask my daughter if she needs a time out and many times she will stop her fit just like that. She has learned that time outs are not fun. Like Renee, I use a lot of praise, especially at those times when she does regain control of her behavior. I try to give her a few minutes of special attention when she does this as well. She is at home with me all day and although most of my day revolves around my children, I still try to pay attention to those moments when they truly need me just to sit and cuddle with them. Also like Renee, I set the expectations before going anywhere for both of my kids. I try to give each of them a job whenever possible so that they feel like they are playing an important part in my task at that time. For example, my 5 yr old can help me look for certain things at the store or he can help to push the cart while my 2 yr old helps by holding onto my coupons or a small grocery item. Sometimes, just having them each hold something important like my keys or shopping card keeps them satisfied. I have learned to change my ways as well. For example, I no longer do more than two errands in the same day (and even that depends on the moods of my kids) otherwise, I'm just asking for it! You've got to know your limits. The toughest thing for me is that other people, even friends and family, don't always understand what it is like to have a strong-willed child. I've even cried to my pediatrician about it as he was the one who helped me with most of this advice. I have had to turn down many invites to go out or travel because of my daughter and the fact that many people were scared of watching her because they wouldn't know what to do. My own mom, who sees her all the time, wasn't even comfortable being alone with her until recently. This was extremely difficult to deal with! My husband and I learned very quickly that we would just have to suck it up and get through this difficult time. Also, you have to find what works for you and stick to it. In doing so, it has taken several months, but things have definitely improved. We still have some bad days at least once or twice a week, but I'll take that over every day! Keep your head up! I wish you the best!

Letitia - posted on 05/25/2010

My son has just started (last 4days!) the tantrum. I thought I was lucky enough to miss it. hahaha..
He throws himself on the ground and screams and crys and kicks his legs. I let him do it and completely ignore him. I walk away, keep doing the dishes, tidy stuff up. When I hear him start to falter or quieten (about 2-3 mins usually) I go back and say "Have you finished?". Usually he says yes, and gets up. Then I pick him up for a cuddle and say something like "wasn't that a silly thing to do, that just makes mummy walk away and not listen to you...." and then explain why he was told off or wasn't allowed to do what he was doing. Seems to work most of the time. If he just starts screaming again, I walk away again. And yes, I have done this in a store. I keep an eye on him, but don't let him see that I am. It does work.
My son is big on the mischief and doing exctly what he's been told not to. I think it's just this barrier testing age. I tend to tell him off if he plays with something he's not allowed (ie: keys) and then make sure I move them where he can't get them. A big thing, I have read, is not to expect that you can say something once and they will know not to do it. And constant negative attention is not at all helpful. I have found personally that when I do get frustrated and raise my voice, his behaviour escalates and gets worse. I need to stay calm. I make a point of praising any and every good thing he does. If I'm busy doing something and i catch him playing nicely, I give him big praise.
I wonder (absolutely no judgement as I am totally int he same boat) if your little girl is escalating because this is a sure fire way to get your attention. Even if it's negative. If she is getting absolutely no reaction, I think they tantrums may get fewer. the worst thing for you is that she started at such a young age, and you would have been so scared of her hurting herself you've jumped to it and given the behaviour alot of attention from day 1. Totally understandable, but maybe it's reinforced it for her.

I've decided to run with this discipline until this trying time is over:
Time out when possible and for the big deals or danger. (Actually - for danger he gets a smack. only done twice, but it worked. once I caught him trying to put a plug in a socket!! I smacked him on the thigh and he got such a fright. I think it was the fright rather than the smack, but he's never touched another one)
Ignore the tantrums and steer them away from the silly little things.
And huge praise for the nice behaviour.
I've read alot about what childrens brains are doing at the different ages and stages, and I think when you can have some understanding of what they are actuallly physically able to take in and what they're not you can deal with these stages better. Because you know they're not little monsters, they're just ill-equiped at the moment to do anything else. We have to steer them through.
I hope this helps a little. Basically there's no fix. You just manage and try to stay calm, and if you can laugh! :-)
Oh, and just so you know. I'm not as calm as I sound. I have days were I'm at the end of my tether too. And my son is far from an angel.
Hang in there. I hope your princess is a wonderful teen for you!

Sarah - posted on 05/22/2010

My daughter was the perfect baby/1yr old until March came along and she changed over night!!i really do think this is the stage where they test the water...see how far they can push us because they are so knowin now!!i've felt like crying or ripping my hair out but now i literally just ignore her if she clings to my legs i peel her off put her on the floor and leave her screamin it tends to last for about 20 mins (which feels like 20hours)but then she gets over it i tell her why iv ignored her and we kiss and make up!!This can make me you feel so inadequate when this happens out in town some where busy but in fact every mum goes through tantrums and im hopin it does pass... sooner rather than later!! :) xx

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2010

my son is the same, you ask him not to do something and he yells no! and will carry on, its soo hard and he knows when its a bad time to do it but i know i have to be persistant and follow through with disapline, timeout or distractions, books and puzzels are good but when your going out, its best just to put him in the car and give him something there to distract him, works sometimes

Lisa - posted on 05/15/2010

Recently my son started using a gutteral scream when he is angry and he does throw fits, we have been teaching him to say please, thank you your welcome, yes sir, yes maam, no sir no maam and no thank you and it is starting to help a little... progress is slow but noticable... he is a definant poo artist and it is so aggravating, but after our poo mess today he did pee in the potty a little later and that was a nice surprise...
we have also tried to make sure to offer kind words of encouragement instead of always telling him what he has done wrong also making sure we pay extra attention and give extra praise when he does something good. hope it will help with yours.... btw it may sound like i have an angel, but he is def not!

Teresa - posted on 05/14/2010

i swear this is the hardest age, they challenge you in every aspect of their lives. they are trying to test and see what they have control on in their world. they cant say "hey mom, this world is kinda big and there are alot of things i want to do or try" it comes out in fits on the floor or as my son does the high pitch screech piercing everyones ears when he doesnt get his way. all you can do is pick something and be consistent and wait this stage out, there are stages you like and ones you dont. dont worry 3 is fun :) it will be here before you know it.. just try to keep your sanity, thats the hardest part!

Angel - posted on 05/14/2010

mine automatically turned terrible on her 2nd birthday she was put in time-outs before turning 2 she isn't mean or bossy but demanding but only with her dad she is very mischief i end up crying with terrible things she o,dumping shampoo,soap,expensive conditioner,tearing up money in to little bit where it cant b taped back together,taking her dirty diaper off poop everywhere!!thanks god i got her in time outs she b in her time out chair,i explain it's bad what she did,she learning from her mistakes

Hayley - posted on 05/13/2010

No she's not on any kind of medication.

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2010

She is not on any medications like Singulair is she?? Our daughter was having bad fits and irritability and we found out that Singulair can cause bad side effects. She has been off the medicine for several weeks now and the change in her behavior has been tremendous. I know there are other medicines that cause these behavioral issues as well.

Renee - posted on 05/12/2010

The terrible two's can come early or late, some have it as early as one, some as late as 3 or 4. And a few rare reports have been at the age of 7. How does she act at daycare? I ask that since that could be a clue in whats really behind these temper tantrums. Most kids start this behavior when they catch on to their parent's triggers, that cause the child to be able to get away with things they wouldn't otherwise get. It sounds as if that she is already stong willed and a natural at it. From what you are discribing it sounds like she has noticed what gets her what she wants, or even gets her more attention that she is wanting. I would compare how she is at daycare and their every day methods to your own, how do they work with her and does it work for them, even for part of the time. If something works a few times out of the day at the day care, it can be a clue to solving her issue. Really question what they do and how they react to her tantrums, ask if they notice any triggers for tantrums. This can help you pin point your action plan for your daughter. A lot of times kids happen to get away with acting out when we are too tired or bissy, that pay off keeps them doing it again and again. Especially when they happen to be so strong willed. After you figure out her triggers and work around them and find ways to prevent them with distractions WAY before she would start the tantrum. First off it's better to prevent her to be able to esculate to throwing herself around. Start taking note in your mind of things to take prevenative action with, and calmly prevent the problem with distractions before she esculates. If you know she is going to have a fit over a sucker for example, take her a good distance away from that before she gets to see it or figures out there is one most likely over there, take her somewhere else and find something to praise her about. Praise her for her behavior right then, for how nice she looks in her favorite shirt ect, find something good about your daughter to just build on. While you do that have her looking at things, this helps occupy her mind and keeps her calm until the time that she would normally be having a tantrum passes. Never miss an oppertunity to praise her, this goes for everyone in the family, even visiting family members, get them involved. Praise her for the silliest little things, they are big things to her. There needs to be a direct consiquence for tantrums, you need to act the moment she starts, that's the only way you're going to get ahead with such a strong willed little girl. Don't stand there and sigh rolling your eyes in frustration and then respond with her consequence, most people would do that. With less willed children you can take a few seconds of disbelief, but a girl like yours is going to take more effort than most. The moment you see the tantrum starting the better of a time to react, you don't need to wait until she is on the floor or throwing herself on the couch ect. With my kids the moment they use a fit or screaming as a threat to me as if saying let me do it or have it or else, that's when I pick them up and take them straight to bed not saying a word to them. I put them down and tell them to stay there until they stop and can act better. I tell them that they do not act like that and shut the door. I wait until I feel like they are calm and then I will go to them and if they are in a good mood, they may come out, if they start fussing as soon as they make eye contact they stay in bed. As my kids get older and can understand more we talk about the good and bad behavior and how to act better in those situations. As far as public tantrums, don't let your daughter use inconvience as power over you. You must maintain your "walk away power" even if you have a full basket in the store ect, and she pulls a tantrum, pick her up take her home and put her in her bed until she is in a better mood. You will have to go back to that store and get your shopping done another time. Your child's behavior emotional and mental development is more important than the inconvience of having to go back to a store. With all the methods I have mentioned, it wont be long until you see improvements and she will begin to see what good behavior can bring her. Be consistant and stick to your words, do not give in, and always react to trantrums the same way and as soon as possible. Also prevent as many as possible, along with TONS of praise for all the good things she does. This causes her to want that praise more often and will help her stop tantrums. It's best to tackle issues like this in more than one way at the same time. Your daughter's behavior is more normal than you think. Be consistant and firm on your rules with her, don't give in an inch, maintain the walk away power (even if you have been waiting in a long line, you must walk away and show her you now mean buissness from now on). Make sure your husband does the same guidlines as you with your daughter, don't let her play you against each other. You can do this it's just going to take some effort to let her know there is a new way to behave from now on. Also terrible two's do tend to often pass on their own, I just wanted to give you some tools to use until then, since you really are exuasted from fighting against her.