Am I a bad mom???

Danielle - posted on 05/24/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have one surviving child, my little girl was beating out of me while pregnant with her, during my attempts of saving my 6 month son, from his bio. dad from setting us on fire,and beating us. I haven't gone to my daughters grave since i've barried her b/c my son, doesn't understand why mommy cries at a rock. He's 2 years old and doesn't know who his real dad is, I've recently been married for 10 months now, my husband is amazing he's leagally adopted my son you can't tell they aren't blood they almost look alike in a scary way...lol. So is it wrong if i never tell my son about his real bastard of a father, or keep him happy with the real daddy he knows and loves. or Tell him the man that's suppose to love him rather him dead and tried to do it. I feel like i'm winning the worlds worst mom's award, Can't visit my daughter's grave, nor do i want my son to know the heartache we suffered to get where we are today.It hurts of knowing will my son hate me for not telling him? need suggestions.

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Jessica - posted on 06/26/2011

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These are not things bad moms do or say. To want the best for our children... that is our wish as mothers. You are a good mom as far as I can tell (I don't like to judge so quickly). These worries you have are not needed. Maybe when you are both ready you can tell him. Until then, teach him the values he will need to be strong and not be like that horrible soul who did those things. That is our sacred duty as mother.... to prepare our children for a world we wish to shield them from but to know we cannot.... so we simply must teach them what is needed to be strong through it all and survive as intact as possible.... so that when all is said and done, our children may find happiness in this very cruel world.

Giacci - posted on 05/26/2011

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deff tell him. my mom waited til my brother was 10 to tell him that altho my father has been in his life since he was 6 months old hes not his real father. and my mom wasnt the first to tell him, my cousin slipped.. he was SOO mad at my mom. and his father was a bad man too. im sorry for everything you went through in your life, its heartbreaking to lose a child and go through so much abuse. BUT you are NOT a bad mother. you're just trying to protect your baby. in time when hes a little older like 5 or 6, he will understand why you left, and why his father isnt in his life. i agree with everyone else. write a letter to him.. GOODLUCK and hang in there.

Lauricia - posted on 05/26/2011

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Firstly, I'd like to add my affirmation that you are definitely not a bad mother! Your son does need to know the truth, though, and you need him to know so that you can talk about your baby girl freely whenever you need to and visit her grave. She is his sister too, and he would want to know about her. If your son finds out that you kept secrets from him later on, you may actually drive him into searching for his bio father and he may not believe the truth if you tried to tell him then (not trying to scare you, it's just that he may question whether he can trust you). I would tell him about the things you experienced and why you had to get away. Even though he's only young, these things were still a part of his life and his real father is still out there. You can protect him better by telling him the truth.
As for the relationship with his adopted father, I don't believe that his knowledge of his bio father would affect that relationship at all. If anything, it would probably make him appreciate and love his adopted father even more!
You are definitely not a bad mother, or you wouldn't be questioning these things and asking for advice. Just remember that the things that have occurred are not your fault. You didn't choose the bad things that have happened, you only chose the good things...and you are still choosing the best things for yourself and your child.
My heart goes out to you.

Sarah - posted on 05/25/2011

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I have to agree I do not think you are a bad mom. I agree that a counselor or even a support group may help you. You did the best you could to protect your son and at some point he may have questions as I have made a choice for my oldest who he now ask questions. I suggest writing the letter and when he is ready and your ready to address it with him give it to him.. Your husband and yourself can only decide whats best for your son. However, explaining that he was chosen his Daddy may be an easier solution than explaining why his bio father is not a part of his life and it may make the transition easier

Danise - posted on 05/24/2011

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You will never be a bad mom. You saved your son and would have done anything to save your save your daughter. I agree with Nycka write him a letter that he can read when he is older and you think the time is right for him to know. He will not understand this now. I suggest you go and see a grieve counsellor to help you throught the pain of loosing your daughter. So that you can in peace go and grieve over your daughter.

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Kimberly - posted on 09/04/2011

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My Fiance's cousin was in kinda the same situation and her mom and stepdad never told her that her stepdad was not her real dad and then one of her other cousins let it slip when she was like 23 or something like that and she ended up being put in the hospital because she tried to kill herself. But not all kids are like that when you tell them because my little cousin was told by his mom at 12 that the man he called dad his whole life wasnt his real dad and all he said was as far as he was concerned he is his dad because he was the one who raised him and loved him and that he could careless about his real dad. And I am going through the same thing about whether or not to tell my daughter about her real dad and I have just decided to wait and tell her when she is older and can understand.

Ambyr - posted on 06/11/2011

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I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I couldn't imagine. I first off would not call you a bad mom because you can't visit your daughter grave. Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in their own ways and that doesnt mean you love her any less. Second, I think when he gets older you will know if its right or not to tell him what went on. Much older though. What he doesnt know doesnt hurt him BUT if its hurting you then you do what your heart says. Saving your son from that situation is the best thing you could have ever done.The only thing I would have a problem with is if someone slipped up one day and say something accidently about his real dad and he didnt know what they were talking about and then confronted you with it.

Sarah - posted on 05/30/2011

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Your strong and courageous and the end of it your son will respect you for it. Your uncobditional love for him will preserve will show him that you had the same for his sister and that although she is gone she will forever be in your heart and your not forgetting her as you would not forget him, but celebrating the beautiful life she would have haf with a strong and courageous like you.

Danielle - posted on 05/29/2011

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I've been through both domestic counselling and greivence counselling, I don't want to hide it from him, at all so i'm going to write the letter, Has for him getting what he deserves not yet he's hiding in toronto, somewhere but there is a canada wide warrant for his arrest and he can't go accross the boarder. thank you all for the advice I'm going to do the letter, Take him to see his sister on her what would be her birthday.

Katherine - posted on 05/26/2011

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Well you obviously can't tell him now, he wouldn't understand. I would wait until he CAN understand. What a horrible thing to happen. Horrible. I hope he got what he deserved.

I would write your son a letter as suggested and give it to him at a later date. Let him know he has a sister in heaven or wherever you want to say she is.

You also need grief counseling as well as battered woman counseling if you haven't already gotten it.


So sorry for your loss :(

Nycka - posted on 05/24/2011

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Maybe you could write him a letter for him to read when he is older? Explaining how you are feeling now, and why you made or make the choices you made. Seems a difficult situation...I got a 2 year old and i dont think she would understand at this age.
You are ABSOLUTELY NOT a bad mum, you saved your son!

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