Baby going away.

Cassandra - posted on 12/07/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

7

0

0

Hi ladies,



I need your advice my fellow moms. I am 24 yrs old mother of 9 months old baby. I and my husband go to school.Iam a third year, full term university student. My husband will graduate next year june. So here is what is happening in my life right now. First of all, i have been trying to get baby a subsidized daycare since i and my husband are both full term students. we have been on the waiting list for 5 months now. it has been tough semester for both of us. we had to pay for our son's daycare about 700 a month. we really can't afford that much money. on the other hand i didnt do well in my courses and i actually had to drop one of my courses coz i failed. I found hard to juggle school and baby.



so my mother inlaw who lives in another city offered to help. she wants the baby to stay with her for the school term and when is school is closed, the baby can come and stay with us. This would have been good for both of us and for the baby too since he can get 'full attention'. I could also study well, get good GPA to qualify for a graduate school.



however, i don know what to think. I want to see my baby everyday. I dont know if i can study without him. but i know it is good for both us.



so ladies tell me what you think.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Okey ladies. Thank you all for your advises. You all have given me different perspectives and different ways to handle it. thank you so much!



One thing though, almost all of you made me look like I am a bad mother/irresponsible and that mother-ln law is some kind of a strange person and that some of you cant trust their babies with mother/motherinlaw.

First of all, I have known my mother inlaw since i was 4 yrs old. my husband and i went to same elementary, same high school, same university. we have fallen in love when we were young. I have never dated any other man and he has never been with any other woman. We have been together for nearly 10 yrs. our family became one. We are very close family, well knit family. I have known his mother, his father and all his brothers and sister.

My mother in law is not stranger to me. I feel she is like my own mother and I have no doubt that she will take care of my baby just the way she took care and raise my husband to the man he is today.



For those who suggested I leave/postpone school: i and my husband have always been top achievers and we both have a 4 yrs/full scholarship. One othe requirement is that we have to finish school in those four yrs. I am already 1 yr behind but my hubby is graduating in June. my plan is to finish school next yr June. In order to do this i have to take 5 course and that's a lot especially when you have a baby. we don't have a lot of web options classes, at least for my program.



My mother in law is a certified child care provider. she is not doing that for a leaving anymore but she knows what to do. she has taught me a lot when I had my son. I have no worries at all about my baby. I know he is in good hands.



It was not very easy to leave the airport to be honest. I have been crying for almost a week.

I call them everyday/sometimes 2 a day to see how he is doing. My MIL understands me. She would put the web cam on and leaves it on so i can watch him all day. basically the web cam is on all day and she doesn't mind it.



Anyways thank you alll for your support.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristen - posted on 12/10/2010

47

11

3

There is no excuse for not being able to juggle your time with school and raising your child. I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for you as far as managing your time. I am currently a full time nursing student, working one 12 hour shift a week, and raising my 9 month old daughter. My fiance (her daddy) is working full time monday thru friday and is working as long as 12 hour shifts. It is stressful, but yet I am passing all my classes and doing just fine. If YOU truely want to graduate and do well to provide for your child you would do whatever it took, even if that means sleepless nights. I could NEVER be apart from my daughter for more than a night, and I couldnt just leave her with my mom or mother in law to care of her 24/7 when i know i'm perfectly capable of doing it. I'm sorry its hard, and I know how it is very expensive for daycare, but its all part of life. It wont be like this forever. Good luck

Dawna - posted on 12/19/2010

66

33

6

I was having a hard time deciding to respond to this because I have a very strong opinion regarding people having kids... my opinion is this: you brought a child into this world and it is YOUR (mother and father) responsibility to take care of that child not just pass off the responsibility to someone else.
After reading other responses I think pretty much everyone gave you really solid advice. I also believe one of you should postpone school for a short while. The reason I believe this would be best is because of the emotional distress the baby would feel. Put yourself in his shoes: how would you feel if the most important person in your whole universe just abandoned you with a stranger. (At this age, no matter how much others see your son they are in his eyes strangers.) However, it is your son and you as his mother have to do what is best for your son given whichever circumstance.

Ashley - posted on 01/05/2011

13

0

0

keep in mind situation like that are temporary and will better both of your futures - maybe setting up web cam talking might help?

however this is also a big part of your child's life and bonding and only you can make that decision for both of you!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

35 Comments

View replies by

Melissa - posted on 01/12/2011

797

19

86

Aww that is soo hard...I dont think you should leave you rbaby but you absoltutly know best...You are not a bad mom sacrafices have to be made sometimes!

I just think you will miss out on soo much of the babies milestones...as a mom that would kill me! June is not that far away but I just hope you dont regret it....the milestones your baby will be doing in the next few months are priceless! I mean my son had started doing soooo many things in just one month so I just couldnt imagine missing it. But i know you have to make sacrafices and this just might have to be yours.

I know you have a scholarship but you can get grants and not have to pay....I personally would postpone or cut my schedule in half and get a grant...in many cases the grant gives you so much extra money that friends of mine have been able to buy computers ect so that could help you aswell! Thats just me ..no judgment here.

Becky - posted on 01/11/2011

532

22

75

that makes my heart break knowing you did that. i am not saying that to be mean but i just could never do that. scholarship or not, i would and could never leave my son.

Cassandra - posted on 01/11/2011

7

0

0

thank you for your response. First of all my mother inlaw is not a stranger. she is like my mother and i love her dearly. I have known her long before i got married to her son. She is the kind of women who every girl would like to have her as a mother inlaw. I feel comfortable leaving my son with her than a stranger at the daycare. Iam not at a point in my life where i have to prove whether i can raise my son or not. I and my husband are on a full 4 yrs scholarship program. One of the requirements is to finish in 4 yrs, and iam already 1 year behind. I am not giving my son up for adoption. I can visit him anytime i get off from school or a weekend. My mother inlaw is planning to come visit for my husband's graduation. I also get to see him everyday anytime on webcam/skype.
My mother-inlaw is a certified child care provider. she doesnt do that for a leaving anymore but i know she take good care of her grandson. and thats important

Every mother knows what is best for their children

Cassandra - posted on 01/11/2011

7

0

0

Thank you for your reply. I understand you point. My mother in-law is more than willing to help me in anyway she can. She is pretty young woman. I and my husband have talked about it. and right now we are those situations where like you have no option. one of the options will be leave school and raise the baby. But I have a full 4 yrs scholarship and i dont want to lose it. Now i took my son to his grandmother. I tell you it was hard leaving but I have to to what i have to do. he is my son and am not giving him up for adopting. I get to see him everyday anytime on skype. My heart is at rest knowing that he is with his grandmother and not with some stranger at the daycare. I'll graduate and things will be alright someday.

Cassandra - posted on 01/11/2011

7

0

0

You are very helpful. thank you. I see my son on webcam everyday. and he is doing good.

Rachelle - posted on 12/25/2010

95

17

9

I think you made the decision to have a baby and not your mother in law so why would she raise your child for you. When you have a child your priorities are the child not yourself. I am a mother of 2 kids under two with a baby on the way and up until class ended at the beginning of December I was going to school 3 nights a week. My husband works 12-14 hours a day and we managed to figure it out. Maybe you and your husband should brain storm ideas before shipping your kid off.

Michelle - posted on 12/21/2010

381

12

68

Wow, $700/mo for daycare? That is steep. I am a daycare provider and I ended up making up an exception for a single mom (technically) her fiance was over in Iraq in the Army at that time. I charged $100/wk for 4 days then if she needed the last day of the week it was $20 for that day. If you call around sometimes you can find someone who is willing to help you out.
In regards to having your mother-in-law taking your child while you are in school I wouldn't do that and couldn't do that. When my husband and I got preggo with our 2nd child we decided that I would stay home and start my own daycare business. I made decent amount of money in my Admin Asst position with a big company but not enough to justify paying for 2 kids in daycare.
I have now been running my daycare for 6 yrs and we are expecting our 6th child come May 2011.
I have to agree with some of the other ladies that if you are having difficulty's with passing your classes right now I would drop down to going to school at night part-time so that you can be home during the day and then your fiance can do full-time schooling during the day and be home at night to watch your baby. This is an arrangement that I see alot with families and it seems to work. Your number 1 priority is taking care of your child, bonding with your child and then your education (which is important) comes next. Both of you just need to tag team and you will do just fine.
I can only imagine that this is a hard decision to make cause you want to be able to provide a quality life for your child by getting a good education and a good job. But right now you have to balance the decision and know that since there are 2 of you, you should step back with the full-time schooling to part-time and let your fiance finish his. Things will work out for both of you and your little one.

[deleted account]

If you want my honest opinion (it may upset you) but I think you may just be being a little selfish, you chose to have this baby, so you should be choosing him/her over that schooling, try if you really have to do school right now to do some online and when your hubby gets home, do some night classes. But you really should be thinking of the child right now because he's going to need and want you more than he would want his grandma...I am hoping to go back to school next semester but I would only be doing a total of 10 units, that way I can be home with my son sometimes instead of him being with his grandma who also lives in another city. I think you need to rethink your priorities a little, if you still wanted to be a full time student then you should have waited to have a baby. Just my opinion.

Courtney - posted on 12/21/2010

13

10

0

I could never do that!! I work full time, go to school full-time and see/take care of my daughter as well as pay for her to go to daycare. I can see where you are coming from but if I were in your shoes I would just do what I am doing now. I take 4 classes at school Mon & Wed, 1 class online, and Work 9-10 hour days Tues, Thursday, Friday. It is very difficult. I have been doing it all along. I am 22 with a 9 month old daughter, and I know you can do it too! It may seem very difficult and you may get stressed out sometimes but wouldn't you be so proud of yourself once you finished! I graduate in May and I am so proud of myself for not falling behind, graduating on time, and still being able to juggle all things at once!! Give it a shot, you will lose the bond between you if you don't put him to bed, bathe him, wake with him.

Katrina - posted on 12/20/2010

5

0

0

I would NEVER be able to do that! One major reason is I wouldn't trust my mother-in-law to take the best care of my kids and follow through with my wishes. But, mostly I would just miss my kids too too much. I think that would be bad for your relationship with your son...he may not remember you when you see him. And, this is a very critical time when they start to learn so much, you wouldn't want to miss it!

Sheena - posted on 12/20/2010

8

8

2

this is a very difficult choice. on one hand these earlt times are so important for bonding and building trust, and on the other, you need to think of your future. personally i would postpone school untill i found the right daycare accomidations, or ask mother inlaw if she would be able to help financially instead of physically. just my personal opinion.

Miranda - posted on 12/20/2010

43

25

1

Dang sweetie - hard decision. I'd say take this time to focus on your son since you can never EVER get these first few months back. You can always go back to school but he'll never be a baby again. I'd say drop your course load to 1 maybe 2 courses thru the end of your program. You baby is more imporant than school. I know at 24, you might not be able to see the 'big picture' but trust me, you might regret it if you focus more on school than on your child. You're young - school will ALWAYS be there but your son will only be young once.

Mariann - posted on 12/19/2010

7

26

0

listen imo you need to sit down and research all the options. like others have said there is part time, online, postponing for a semester, opposite school schedules, or what about transfering schools closer to your mil so that you could still see your baby, find another mom friend that you could trade babysitting with to lower daycare bills, etc. I am 25 and have a 3 yr old and a 9 month old and I keep trying to go to school. I can only take 1 class at a time to keep up with both of them and get a sitter. It is really hard and it's even harder to decide the right thing to do. In your situation only you know how you feel. could you go that long without seeing your baby? would you be able to study with that on your mind? I congradulate you for juggling both roles it's hard. When deciding think about what you can live with. I personally decided to live struggling every day to keep the utilities on and food on the table to be with my kids, some may not agree. The second my youngest can go to school tho i'm going full speed to get my nursing degree but for my family that works. The most important thing you really need to consider is what is best for your kid and then you. you are second now. it's hard and emotional to make decisions that effect another person but that being a parent. Like I said I don't know your situation but by what you said I would drop to 3/4 or 1/2 time depending on loans, insurance issues and take classes opposite times of the hubby. I have gotten far by swapping babysitting with people. also there are coupon websites and sales flyers to save money on food. share a ride when you can to save gas. turn your heat down when the baby can't be snuggled in extra layers, make your coffee at home, buy used books or ask your professors if you can use a book (it works). if you can't get assistance from the state call and ask about getting it for the baby. sometimes they deny a family but will help the child. I personally have done these and they do work. it takes A LOT of effort to make the calls and be on hold forever but if you want to you can make it work. Good luck to you in whatever you decide and i'm sure you will do what is best for your family! You can send me a msg if you need more tips on saving money i'm almost professional at being cheap as I have no choice even tho my hubby works 72-80 hrs a week. :)

Amy - posted on 12/18/2010

3

16

0

if you do it your very very brave! thats what i can say - im only 20 and i got pregnant with my bub kaytlen when i was 19 - i was 2 years into my hairdressing appreticeship and was the hardest decision of my life. my partner and i arnt on good money as we are both training and also dont get much help - we were thinking of putting kaytlen into childcare for financial reasons but just couldnt do it - i work 21 hours a week and i even believe this is so hard to be away from my babey for - she is doing so many new thngs at 10m old and saying new things etc i had to choose basically my babey or my work/finance and i chose my babey! and i never regret it once - my apprenticeshp may take me alot longer than i expected but one day i will get it done! but untill then my babey is what comes 1st! .. so just think about what you will miss out on .. milestones etc ... remember you are her mum and she needs u the most out of everybody!!

Charlotte - posted on 12/18/2010

22

11

2

It is not going to get easier even if you stall college and go back when the baby is ready for preschool. In the past, I have taken my children to daycare at the college. Right now, my son starts Preschool where it is half a day--not enough time for me to do my college work and pick him up. Therefore, my son is going to daycare that has a preschool about an hour away from my college for 1 semester. I am really hoping that he would go to Kindergarten this August so that I wouldn't have to shell out $10,000 a year for preschool in daycare.

There should be other avenues that could be worth exploring such as child care help from the government (we make too much money to qualify), student loans, doing classes online (cutting the hours the child could be spending in daycare versus staying home with you), or if you are willing, a website (I believe www.care.com) that seeks out local willing babysitters that you can connect with for a fee. At any rate, if I were were, I would try to find other avenues that would allow both you and your husband to stay in college and raise your child.

Anna - posted on 12/18/2010

10

17

0

or... maybe hold off studying until baby is older? I'm not sure how study works over in the states (I'm assuming that's where you live)? can you study from home? or... I know over here in NZ we have a thing called Banardos or Pose - and a lady (trained) will come and look after your son/daughter at home? I think it's cheaper than day care too? also - can you get a subsidize for childcare seeing as you and your husband are both students? whatever happens, you'll know the best thing for your child! and what works for you.

Anna - posted on 12/18/2010

10

17

0

I so couldn't do it! I can see that your mother inlaw is trying to help... but I'm a mother of two, a 3 1/2 autistic daughter and a 9 month old daughter. Even tho some days they drive me around the bend some days, I couldn't part with them longer than 48 hours! I am also finding that my 9 month old is very clingy at the moment, which I've heard is normal. I don't think I could put her thro the fact that she won't see me first thing in the morning, last thing at night. I'm sure they has to be another way for you to study and play mum.

Renee - posted on 12/15/2010

1,438

0

241

Is there a way that you can do night school? If your husband goes to school during the day you can stay with your child, then when you go to school at night he can stay with your child. That way you don't have to worry about child care. Or what about on-line classes? My sister has 3 kids (twin 12 year old boys-one has ADD, and a 8 year old girl) and is married and both are working full time and running the kids all over creation for sports and choir. She finished her master's degree on-line. Now that she is done her husband is doing his master's degree on-line. Might be something to look into.

Shauna - posted on 12/14/2010

1,015

19

33

I dont think anyones being judgemental..... When you chose to have a baby, you dont get an option to give baby to someone else to raise. Simple as that. I know things can be rough trust me, but thats life.

Shauna - posted on 12/14/2010

1,015

19

33

that would be the hardest thing to do! I really think baby needs to be with his mommy, school can wait untill you have enough $$$ for daycare. I work full time 10 hrs a day husband works 2 jobs ... and im a full time student .. i know its tough work but i could never leave my baby.

Teresa - posted on 12/12/2010

107

20

3

i'm with you caroline! i can't believe some of you are so judgemental. i know i couldn't leave my baby for any length of time either, but obviously cassandra is having a hard time with the decision and was looking for help, not judgement. good luck with what you decide casandra, i hope you can stay with your baby, it will be better for both of you in the end, even if you have to put off your education for a while. you can always go back to school later, but you'll never be able to get back this time with your LO. if it was me, i know i would regret leaving my son for that long. you should do what feels right for you and your husband, and most important, your baby! good luck

Caroline - posted on 12/12/2010

13

0

2

ok.. sorry to say this but some of you are Bitches! This mom did not post so everyone could judge her, she needed some advice. You all are acting like she is shipping her kid off to a stranger so she can join the circus. She is getting an education so she can better herself and better her childs future. I am not saying if she should do it or not, but im surely not about to judge someone I don't even know,

Emily - posted on 12/09/2010

32

0

4

I think it would be very difficult to miss out on the bonding and important milestones. Do you have options for online classes, or switching to part time? I was finishing up my masters degree and running a small business when my daughter was born. Luckily I was doing online classes, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it. With online I could study and read course content whenever I could fit it in and had more time to spend with my daughter and studying because I didn't have to worry about travel time (or getting dressed!)

Caroline - posted on 12/09/2010

13

0

2

Have you thought about going to school part time just until your husband graduates? Then when he has a good job and you can afford daycare, you can go back to full time as a student.. just a thought. I was a full time student when I found out I was preg, now I am only taking 2 classes a sem. I know it will take longer, but not spending time with my baby everyday would break my heart. good luck with your decision :) Everything will work out!

Becky - posted on 12/08/2010

532

22

75

btw.... have you thought about maybe keeping your little one with you and maybe looking into a mommy nanny job??? My husband and i couldn't afford daycare so i quit my job and looked into a mommy nanny job...

now i care for one yr old triplets adn get to bring my son with me every day... i make enough money to help support the family with my husband and i get to save money from having to pay for a daycare (and get my little boy with me all day)

Lana - posted on 12/08/2010

10

4

0

You wouldn't be able to do it. Simples really. Nine months is when you will get your first kiss and lots of giggles and they start to walk, and call you mama, all those things we had our babies in a first place. Would you really be able to stay away and not see first steps? or not hear giggles? After the first truely tough three months, it just won't work. How about your mother in law coming and staying with you? Or renting something nearby? Is it possible? Also can you and your hubby switch classes - one takes classes in the evening and the other in the morning? And you hire a nanny in between for a couple hours a day? It's possible, just need to think.
Also your bubs needs you so much right now, do you really think it won't affect him or her long term if you leave?

Rebecca - posted on 12/08/2010

25

19

4

I couldn't do it. I haven't even put my baby in a creche. He has been babysat a couple of times by family but never for very long. My partner and I decided that i would be a full-time at home mum until bubs is going to school. Once he is back to school I am goignt o fit some work in around his schedule.

Amy - posted on 12/07/2010

6,257

33

2375

Being a parent isn't easy and you're going to have to learn to balance baby/school or baby/work eventually. IMO becky is onto something one of you should put your education on hold so that the other can focus on getting done and doing the best that they can at it. So if your fiancé finishes first you stop going to school and stay home with your daughter, find a flexible job so you can work around his class schedules. That means you don't have to worry about $700 a month in daycare fees.

Both my husband and I have full-time jobs we work opposite shifts from each other so we don't have to pay someone to watch the kids. It's not always the easiest for us but it's what works and what we both want. If your daughter was older I guess I could see considering it (I still would not do it), but the first three years are so important in a childs life I would want to be as involved as possible. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, just remember as a parent you'll have to make sacrafices you're no longer number 1 and you may have to out things off for yourself so that you are able to provide for your child!

Verona - posted on 12/07/2010

7

2

0

I don't know...I personally could not do it. I need my baby close to me; to see the milestones; to connect etc. Plus, I have a super hard time trusting my mother in law. I know she can take care of my kids I just don't like the way "parents" them. Sorry, I don't have much advise

Becky - posted on 12/07/2010

532

22

75

As a mother myself, I could never do that. I can see what you mother is saying but to me.. it is not worth it.. if i were you, i would be staying home with my baby and working and then finish school when he's old enough to be in school. That's what i'm doing.. when i got pregnant, my husband and i both quit school and will return with our son's in preschool

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms