Feeling like a roommate rather than a spouse.

April - posted on 10/06/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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For awhile I have felt like my husband is more of a roommate than a spouse. I haven't had 'those' feelings for quite some time and not sure how to get it back. It's the same thing everyday, and more so since I now stay home w/ our kids. When he gets home from work, we have dinner then he'll disappear to the basement to work on finances or other items. Sometimes he will help w/ cleaning the kitchen or other areas - after I've mentioned it a few times. He has a rotating day off during the week and every Sunday (he is a letter carrier for USPS), but even on his day off yesterday he was gone most of the morning to get some work on his car and then he took a nap in the afternoon (lucky). And at night sometimes he'll come back to bed after I've gone to bed, but most nights he's fallen asleep on the couch while trying to watch one of his shows. He says he's not tired when I go to bed, but I hear him snoring in the living room before I've fallen asleep. We have addressed these items before, and it'll change for a while and then we're right back to where we started. I don't see myself not being with him, although that thought has crossed my mind. Anyone else feel like this and how to get past this bump in your marriage?

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11 Comments

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Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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At 1st I was just completely hurt and didn't understand........I've eventually become pretty much complacent though.

if I'd wanted a roommate....I'd have gotten one....

thanks for listening...I am glad I am not alone!!!!!

Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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Ok...sorry.......a few months after we were married....Boom!!!! Stop!! Nothing. We have tried..unsuccessfully to have sex. ( with my prodding)(viagra..Drs) but just twice in the last year....it's like he doesn't. much give a crap.......no basically no sec for 3 yrs!! I mean none! I've tried almost every angle

Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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I do not have kids in the home..but this issue is something I deal with each day.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I am 40ish and he 50ish.

Things were great! (Continued ...last time I lost the text)

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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@ Amanda, I know how you feel last night was mu husbands night off and we were watching TV in bed and then a Victoria Secret commercial came on. His eyes were glued to the TV...I just turned away and then later fell asleep. We didn't cuddle or anything I hate to say it but I've gotten use to this now. I actually donated all of my sexy night gowns to the Goodwill and now wear pajama pants and t-shirts to bed. Same thing with us he use to keep his hands on me, we would even get in the shower together haven't done this in years. Your's is at least wanting to have sex so that is good. Have you told him how you feel? I've told mine and all I get is I'm sorry and a blank stare. Your not married yet and let him know what you want and expect from the relationship. Maybe then it will open his eyes that you feel this way. I hope it all works out for you.
Amanda

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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I am having the same types of issues. I am 25 and engaged, we have a 2.5 yr old but she isnt his. I do EVERYTHIG around the house and I know he feels like I should because I am at home and he works. I feel like his roomate. It used to be where he couldnt keep his hands off me to never touching me or hugging me and only kissing me when he leaves for work. We used to be so happy and joke around all the time and all of it just stopped. We do have sex a couple times a week but thats about as much attention I get from him. He just started a new job and I am worried he will find someone with a job thats thinner and with no child. He is a great father but I do everything potty train clean up after make her food give her baths he really doesnt do any of the MUST dos with her. I just dont know what to do. I am starting to get really depressed. The last 3 nights he slept on the couch and didnt even say good night or anything to me. WHAT should I do?

Amanda - posted on 07/27/2012

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Hi, I also feel the same way. My husband and I have been together for 11 years married at 20 and had first baby at 21. We divorced when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby and then re-married a year later. We divorced because we were always arguing and just really got married young and got pregnant the first time we did anything. During the divorce I became very independent and found out who I was. But now we have been married for 7 years and we are like roomates. We work opposite shfts but when we are both home we don't talk. He talks to his buddies on the phone and online more than we do. A lot of times he thinks he told me something when in fact he told a friend not me. We don't have sex and when we do it's once a month or once every month 1/2 and lasts 3-5 minutes. It's more like slam bamm thank you ma'am. Even though we both work full time I'm the one that keeps up with all of the house work. Our basement looks like a garage I ask him to clean it up. He says ok but doesn't, but a friend wants him to get on line to play a game and he does just that right then. We don't communicate. I have told him how I feel and I just get ok I'm sorry and thats it. I feel that if I'm going to be a single mom taking care of 4 kiddos, going to school on line and night and working full time, taking care of the house then why am I married and doing the same thing makes no sense. Sorry just venting it feels good to do this since it obviesly isn't working when I vent to my husband. I just feel that I love my husband he's the father of our kids but I'm not in love with him. There isn't anyone else it's just I have tried so hard all of these years to try and make it work that all the energy I've put i n I'm exhausted already. When is enough enough. The romance is gone, when we first got together we couldn't wait to see each other and we were having sex a lot. Now we don't have sex and it feels more like a chore then anything. The passion and romance is just gone. I'm sorry this doesn't help answer your post, but when I saw it I was thinking I'm not the only one going through this.

Nicole - posted on 03/13/2012

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Hi this looks this like an old discussion but kind of what I am looking for. I know my husband loves me very much and helps out around the house, wrks hard, great Dad (3 kids) etc....

However it's me that doesn't "feel" anything any more. I love him but it feels more like the way I love my family or a close friend. I figure it may have to do with the fact that for the last 6 yrs I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding and don't feel attracted to him like I was in the begining. I feel great about myself and my family, we have all the same little issues such as $ and not getting out for me time or even couples time. It took months before my cycle came back after each baby (3rd 1 is now 10 mo and still no cycle) so my hormones are just low.

I don't know why I feel like this towards him and am not interested in anything sexual (feels weird like theres no attraction). I find myself some times wishing I hadn't run into a marrage like I missed out on something but am here because I don't think divorce is the answer and I love my family.

I just want to feel attracted to him again. I have talked to him before but he doesn't get it and is so hurt by it. Obviously I don't want to hurt him. But shouldn't I still be attracted to him??

Kitty - posted on 11/18/2011

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WELL u know i feel the same to we are going thru this and i dont know sometimes i feel being married is alot of work and sometimes feel it is hard to keep loveing someone u have had alot of problems with.. well this is me
ya we ar ein this rut now and i dont know we are talking about seperation after almost 20 yrs....

April - posted on 10/10/2011

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It has actually gotten better between us the past few days. Not sure if it's just a cycle or if he feels stressed since I'm now staying home w/ the kids. I ask him if he's ok or wants to talk about anything and he he says everything is fine. Not sure I believe him all the time, but I am starting to feel closer to him lately. It is nice having that feeling back. :)

Jay - posted on 10/07/2011

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It kind of sounds like my husband too, He sleeps on the couch and is asleep before me even though when I ask him to come to bed he says he is not tired. I always think he would prefer to be doing something, like shopping or going to the hairdressers more than hanging out with me and our son. But then again, I look at older couples and that kinda seems to be the way it goes. If I mention it too him then he will spend a few evenings in and all in all he is a great dad and I love him. I am emotional now with our second baby so I feel like I want him there all the time, but I know that isn't really fair! x

Cynthia - posted on 10/06/2011

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i don't have any advice for you on this but it sounds a lot like me and my husband. i am comfortable with it but i do miss 'us'. I feel like i have a companion though and we have a partnership. idk if it is just what happens to a marriage after the newly wed part but i realized that as much as i miss the old us, i am very comfortable with the way things are i keep in mind that it is the small things in life that make it beautiful. my husband don't usually come to bed with me but he tucks me in. i mean he walks me to the bed and kisses me. if you have any little things like this i would hold on to it, put it in your heart and be sure you are not taking it for granted. i have a tired man. he's a good man and a good father he works hard and is tired. maybe you can just ask him if he is happy. sorry i am not much help but i think i know how you feel. this is my opinion.