Feeling like a roommate rather than a spouse.

April - posted on 10/06/2011 ( 33 moms have responded )

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For awhile I have felt like my husband is more of a roommate than a spouse. I haven't had 'those' feelings for quite some time and not sure how to get it back. It's the same thing everyday, and more so since I now stay home w/ our kids. When he gets home from work, we have dinner then he'll disappear to the basement to work on finances or other items. Sometimes he will help w/ cleaning the kitchen or other areas - after I've mentioned it a few times. He has a rotating day off during the week and every Sunday (he is a letter carrier for USPS), but even on his day off yesterday he was gone most of the morning to get some work on his car and then he took a nap in the afternoon (lucky). And at night sometimes he'll come back to bed after I've gone to bed, but most nights he's fallen asleep on the couch while trying to watch one of his shows. He says he's not tired when I go to bed, but I hear him snoring in the living room before I've fallen asleep. We have addressed these items before, and it'll change for a while and then we're right back to where we started. I don't see myself not being with him, although that thought has crossed my mind. Anyone else feel like this and how to get past this bump in your marriage?

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Juniper - posted on 03/13/2012

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Hi this looks this like an old discussion but kind of what I am looking for. I know my husband loves me very much and helps out around the house, wrks hard, great Dad (3 kids) etc....

However it's me that doesn't "feel" anything any more. I love him but it feels more like the way I love my family or a close friend. I figure it may have to do with the fact that for the last 6 yrs I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding and don't feel attracted to him like I was in the begining. I feel great about myself and my family, we have all the same little issues such as $ and not getting out for me time or even couples time. It took months before my cycle came back after each baby (3rd 1 is now 10 mo and still no cycle) so my hormones are just low.

I don't know why I feel like this towards him and am not interested in anything sexual (feels weird like theres no attraction). I find myself some times wishing I hadn't run into a marrage like I missed out on something but am here because I don't think divorce is the answer and I love my family.

I just want to feel attracted to him again. I have talked to him before but he doesn't get it and is so hurt by it. Obviously I don't want to hurt him. But shouldn't I still be attracted to him??

Amanda - posted on 07/27/2012

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Hi, I also feel the same way. My husband and I have been together for 11 years married at 20 and had first baby at 21. We divorced when I was pregnant with our 3rd baby and then re-married a year later. We divorced because we were always arguing and just really got married young and got pregnant the first time we did anything. During the divorce I became very independent and found out who I was. But now we have been married for 7 years and we are like roomates. We work opposite shfts but when we are both home we don't talk. He talks to his buddies on the phone and online more than we do. A lot of times he thinks he told me something when in fact he told a friend not me. We don't have sex and when we do it's once a month or once every month 1/2 and lasts 3-5 minutes. It's more like slam bamm thank you ma'am. Even though we both work full time I'm the one that keeps up with all of the house work. Our basement looks like a garage I ask him to clean it up. He says ok but doesn't, but a friend wants him to get on line to play a game and he does just that right then. We don't communicate. I have told him how I feel and I just get ok I'm sorry and thats it. I feel that if I'm going to be a single mom taking care of 4 kiddos, going to school on line and night and working full time, taking care of the house then why am I married and doing the same thing makes no sense. Sorry just venting it feels good to do this since it obviesly isn't working when I vent to my husband. I just feel that I love my husband he's the father of our kids but I'm not in love with him. There isn't anyone else it's just I have tried so hard all of these years to try and make it work that all the energy I've put i n I'm exhausted already. When is enough enough. The romance is gone, when we first got together we couldn't wait to see each other and we were having sex a lot. Now we don't have sex and it feels more like a chore then anything. The passion and romance is just gone. I'm sorry this doesn't help answer your post, but when I saw it I was thinking I'm not the only one going through this.

Sarah - posted on 11/19/2013

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I'm glad to know it isn't only me, kind of. My husband and I have been through a lot to change our relationship from anywhere (with a door) anytime to "What's sex?" I thought that was it, the fun was over. And I kinds thought I was a freak, because I REALLY like sex. I tried talking to him about it and only embarrassed us both. Multiple times. I, truly, thought I was just going to have to deal with it. Lately things have started becoming better, starting with me. I had been depressed, not working outside of the home does that to me, and I haven't been able to for 5 years. The lack of sexual interest compounded my 'worthless' feeling and I stopped taking care of myself and our home. I treated my depression with medication and counseling, and continue to do so. I started taking care of myself again, showers (seriously), got a haircut after three years (seriously), put make-up on, and cleaned my house regularly. Sadly enough, until I started treating my depression I hadn't known how bad it was. I know my answer isn't an answer for everyone, and I didn't even know it would be mine. The lack of sex and companionship exacerbated my depression to the point that I stopped taking care of myself, so how could fixing the problem caused by the issue, fix the issue? I have no idea. But after working on me I worked on us. We started going out, combining his love of beer and my love of singing (and his love of my singing :)) by finding karaoke nights. I hats shopping, but I go with him just to spend some together time. He watches me droop over Jax on Sons of Anarchy. We just see each other, talk to each other, hold hands, squeeze his butt and make googly eyes behind the kids' backs. We barely spoke because when he asked how my day was I just said, "Fine." Now I tell him my son did well on his homework or my daughter couldn't find the coat she wanted and I thought about throttling her. I don't ask to be ignored by giving him one word answers.
I knew his lack of interest was HIS fault, but I let him ignore me. I let him hang out in the shop so I didn't have to watch his stupid shows. Now we watch his stupid showsvsnd my stupid shows together. Not everyday, we need space, too. I used to ask him to change and he felt I was blaming him. So I went and sat with him while he watched TV, held his hand, and waited. It's better. It isn't where I want, and it might never be a few times daily routine again, but that's okay. We're closer, and happier. I hope you can be, too. I hope my experience can help one of you.

Kitty - posted on 11/18/2011

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WELL u know i feel the same to we are going thru this and i dont know sometimes i feel being married is alot of work and sometimes feel it is hard to keep loveing someone u have had alot of problems with.. well this is me
ya we ar ein this rut now and i dont know we are talking about seperation after almost 20 yrs....

Cynthia - posted on 10/06/2011

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i don't have any advice for you on this but it sounds a lot like me and my husband. i am comfortable with it but i do miss 'us'. I feel like i have a companion though and we have a partnership. idk if it is just what happens to a marriage after the newly wed part but i realized that as much as i miss the old us, i am very comfortable with the way things are i keep in mind that it is the small things in life that make it beautiful. my husband don't usually come to bed with me but he tucks me in. i mean he walks me to the bed and kisses me. if you have any little things like this i would hold on to it, put it in your heart and be sure you are not taking it for granted. i have a tired man. he's a good man and a good father he works hard and is tired. maybe you can just ask him if he is happy. sorry i am not much help but i think i know how you feel. this is my opinion.

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Charissa - posted 1 hour ago

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I'm sorry that i'm asking a question upon your question but i seriously need advise.
Me and my husband got married very young, i was almost 16 and he was 19, i left school and got pregnant at 17, i'm 20 now. lately i feel very depressed and lonely, i try to speak to my husband about it but then i shut down and lie about why i'm down, i just give him some lame excuse and he leaves it, i lie because i know he won't understand or completely freak out. My feelings towards him changed the past year, i see him as a friend and every time he wants to have sexual interactions i cringe but do it anyway which leaves me feeling helpless. I feel stuck, i'm a working mother and he works too, our beautiful daughter is now 3, and not for one moment do i regret having her, but i can't see my future with my husband, every time i think about me and my daughters future i secretly find myself wishing he's not in it. He is great, he loves us like his life depends on it, but every time he thinks there is something wrong with our marriage he starts blaming himself and it takes hours to talk him down.And that makes me look at him as a wuss. I know the problem lies with me, but how do i fix it? how do i start loving my husband again? I don't have the balls to actually leave him but i do NOT want my daughter to grow up with a depressed mother and unhappy marriage.I know i should just grow a pair but the battle leaves me feeling weak. And i also feel like i missed out on a lot of my life, i never had a childhood, which was my parents fault, but then i married young and that was my own fault. what should i do???

Amanda - posted on 06/23/2014

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Have you ever considered the fact that your husband is gay? I have just figured out that my husband, of 19 years is. He is a commercial pilot and has random sex with men when he is away. Google men on the "down low". Everything makes sense to me now. Check out craigslist, men seeking men. There are a ton of married men looking for gay sex. It's an epidemic, and disgusting lifestyle!

Julia - posted on 04/23/2014

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Barb: It sounds like (and I can only think about the things you have actually written) you arranged your life the way you wanted it for all those years. Your children came first and through all of it, he was there when you wanted him to be, but with no commitment 'until later'. Now later is here (3 years ago) and you can't understand why he doesn't respond to the next part of your life plan. You were happy to have him around when scheduled for years, and that's what he was used to and happy. Seems like the full-time thing isn't working. You don't mention what you do on your own...obviously you were very busy and independent before so why not now. Why do you expect him to make you his focus now? Because now you have the time? Any man who stayed around for years in the prior situation isn't one that want's to be your only focus now. He was happy the way it was and I suggest you go back to it. You didn't mention how he reacted during those years...whether he wistfully wanted more, or encouraged you to make it full time back then but I suspect not.

Willem - posted on 03/26/2014

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Hello everyone,
My name is evidens I can’t explain this but I just have to share my joy and happiness with the world I don’t no how priest grace helped me in bringing back my husband. I have been frustrated for the past 3years with my three kids living without my husband who surprisingly left home with a girl named Kathrine One faithful day a friend of mine came visiting and I told her about the situation I am in for the past 3 years, she then told me about priest grace. That he is a very powerful man, at first I never wanted to believe her because I have spent a lot going to different places but she convinced me so I had no choice because I really need my husband back. So we contacted priest grace. who told me all I needed to do which I doubted. But the greatest joy in me today is that priest grace. was able to bring my husband back to me and now we are living happily as never before. Thanks to you priest grace.If you have problems of any kind I will advice you to contact gracerelatinshipspell@gmail.com you will never regret it. Thanks to you priest grace

Willem - posted on 03/26/2014

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Hello everyone,
My name is evidens I can’t explain this but I just have to share my joy and happiness with the world I don’t no how priest grace helped me in bringing back my husband. I have been frustrated for the past 3years with my three kids living without my husband who surprisingly left home with a girl named Kathrine One faithful day a friend of mine came visiting and I told her about the situation I am in for the past 3 years, she then told me about priest grace. That he is a very powerful man, at first I never wanted to believe her because I have spent a lot going to different places but she convinced me so I had no choice because I really need my husband back. So we contacted priest grace. who told me all I needed to do which I doubted. But the greatest joy in me today is that priest grace. was able to bring my husband back to me and now we are living happily as never before. Thanks to you priest grace.If you have problems of any kind I will advice you to contact gracerelatinshipspell@gmail.com you will never regret it. Thanks to you priest grace

Barb - posted on 03/02/2014

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Well my situation is even worse. I have been with this man for 19 years. 16 dating, and 3 living together. We have technically been engaged since 1998. that is when he got down on one knee and proposed in an over the top public setting. We have been married previously. Each of us married our previous spouses at a very young age, and we each had been divorced a few years before we met. We delayed marriage because of the fact that I was raising my kids on my own kids. We dated and he was a part of our lives, but my kids always came first. I am very independent and decided that I did not want to alter the day to day dynamics of their home life. So we waited to move in together after my last one left for college. So sometime over the last 3 years we were supposed to get married. That hasn't happened. But that was the mutually agreed upon plan when I moved in with him (into his home). The first year went fairly well... but we have been highly dysfunctional roommates over the past 2 years. I am often very sad and lonely .His seeming disinterest in having sex with me has spread to our over all relationship. He is never interested in doing anything with me. Even after the sex stopped, we still used to go out and enjoy things. biking, hiking, beach, travelling, concerts.. many typical fun activities. We do none of that now. He seems content with a very detached and distant relationship. I guess it is like I don't even exist. But I miss all that we used to share. I used to try talking, begging for an explanation, I have tried everything. Felt at first maybe he is experiencing some kind of a mid life crisis. he is 10 years older than me.
I have hung in there as long as I could. Although I am scared to venture out into the single world again, it has been so long. But I feel unappreciated, unloved, and just plain sad most of the time. He is 61 and I am 51.. although we each look much younger. :-) And although we have never had any issues or arguments about money. I sometimes wonder if the fact that I am the bigger bread winner has any effect on all of this. I make 3 times the money that he makes. I have loved him for so many years. But the isolation, the rejection, the lack of any affection, has made it clear to me that I must leave him. My heart is broken, my esteem is shot, and I feel as though I have foolishly wasted many years. He won't go to counseling or even have any meaningful conversation. He denies that there are any problems.

Heather - posted on 02/24/2014

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It sounds like to me that your husband mite be gay i am not saying this to be rude but what man dose not want to have sex with his in shape wife or he has sexual dysfunction that needs to be treated by a Dr or mental health specialist, this is not normal because you said he was doing this early in your marraige men have a high lipido when they are young. I would let him know that the way he is is not normal.

Kelly - posted on 01/24/2014

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Ok here goes.
I am becoming very resentful but let me explain why. Im 52 and my husband is 54. We have three grown childeren between us and have been together for 7 years. We may have sex 2-3 times on a good month. I try to initiate it, and he always says. We will see how your behavior is...and never ONE time has he taken me up on my offer. We have been away probably 15-20 times over that time frame and most times with are with either other couples or the kids. For some reason, everytime he tells his boys we are going away, they seem to think its a good time for them to come with us... WTF? Why can't they wait to be invited or my husband needs to step up and say, hey...we still haven't even had a honeymoon alone because we took all the family members with us on that. And never ONCE have we had sex while we are away in a hotel. When I asked him why he told me that only people who have young kids do that....Really? Im not buying that. We never had sex the night we got married. He worked night shift...then got so drunk I had to put him to bed...at dinnertime. We went to the JOP and hung at home with a few friends. So, not like we had a huge wedding and reception. We have never had sex on a Christmas eve...a NY's Eve...or any special occaision. why you ask? Well, everytime we are away..it seems to be an alcohol fest. This last time we went away, the oldest son said he would meet us on Sunday and we could do lunch. I was fine with that...the rest of the weekend was ours. A couple of days letter, he let me know that his son has decided to come for the weekend also. It was my birthday weekend and I had discussed how important it was for us to go away alone and also we were looking to buy a house and meeting with a realtor. Didnt leave any time alone for us....and because I was pissy about it...he drank more and turned really mean about. Actually he has made the comment numerous times after a night of drinking and me wanting some loving.."You know that aint happening" So, Im just supposed to except that? In my mind he controls when and where the sex occurs. Everytime I ask about it...I get shot down. I have mentioned to him numerous times that it would mean alot to me if we tried being intimate maybe twice aweek. I asked if there is something wrong with me because if there is, I want to fix it. He said that sex just isn't that important to him. He said he will work on it again...I mentioned the drs and he said he would go, but doesn't want to take any medication for this issue...I have come to the realization...that my insecurities are tied to no sex and him making me feel unattractive or better yet that he is not attracted to me. I resent the boys because they invite themselves and I resent the husband because for 28 days we sit on the freakin couch or go away. It feels to me as if he is not attracted to me. Which believe me when you start second guessing things about yourself...there goes the self esteem. I used to be a body builder so Im in good shape for a woman my age. I just don't get it. the more I try to fix it..the worse it gets. He helps around the house, cooks, cleans, laundry whatever....other than the no sex...our "roomate" relationship is good. Please give me some advice because I am not liking the resentment I am harboring in my heart these days.

Aklebrown - posted on 11/27/2013

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I know how you feel. My husband and I went through the same thing a few years ago. I'm not sure what your personal belief system is (if any), but I will tell you that what helped us is the Love Dare by Alex and Steven Kendrick. I picked it up at the book store one day and started the dare. Mind you, I was not able to complete every challenge, but I could see a difference in the connection between us within a few days.

Priya - posted on 11/15/2013

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We have been married since last 7yrs, no kids. I really wanted 3yrs ago kid but he wasnt ready for kids. He was all busy in buying a flat, paying the EMIs. I also work full time. He also sometimes helps me with cooking, but after he cooks kitchen is all messy.I was losing his interest in me, when i wore sexy lingerie he used to tell me what have u wore, change it. He would never appreciate/complement me. All the time he is the best cook/good looking/smart. I am not sure but i got apart from him. And also his job losses in our marriage almost 4 times. And all blame is on me that he didnt change the location cause of my job. I started having an emotional affair with one of my colleague. My hubby found it and we had a great great drama after that. I left him and started living with my parent. He dsnt take a single blame on himself caz of our tht situation. He was living his life like drinking drinking n drinking. I blamed myself for his situation and came back to him. His attitude didnt change till Sept. But all of sudden things changed in Oct, he used to be happy but yeah as far as sex or intimacy there is nothing changed all same. Its just his blaming n sad mood has changed. Sex is like 2 times a month that too i have to initiate. He will never initiate. I come late from job around 11 PM and then we will cook eaty n sleep. I would have got a job with 9-5PM shift but he thinks 12-9PM is good for me. As for this job i start from home at 10AM n reach home at 11 PM. So i dont get time for any thing, and he feels safe out of it. I get tired and i need something his attention his complements cuddles. It feels to me I am his roommate and nothing else.

Nancy - posted on 09/27/2013

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you just described my marriage to a tee ... Some days, when Im in my car, I want to drive as far away as I can. BUT I have teenage daughters. One day though. When my girls are gone and Im still the ghost in the house sitting in my own room, doing laundry and cooking diner for my 'roomate' i will be up and gone, he probably wont even notice till the morning.

Juniper - posted on 09/20/2013

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Hello Ladies
I last posted 03/13/2012 and forgot that I wrote on this topic and what I wrote. I just reread my post and others. I wanted to give some encouragement.
It's been a year and a half since I felt like my relationship was more of a friendship. I don't know exactly when but for sure all of 2013 our relationship has bounced back. I don't know for sure but I think part has to do with the baby phase is over and we pushed ourselves to enjoy each other sexually. For me it was hard to leave my comfort zone and being quiet for so long so as not to wake kids made it that "chore" instead of enjoyment. Adding new things, sounds, positions, etc... helped make it new again. Also I tease him now and again with things like kissing his ear to stimulate him but when I know there is no chance of anything happening right then. Then by that evening (for it kids that we have to work around) he's so worked up that it more like come her girl I have to get you now.
I hope everyone has found some ways to move forward that best suits them.

Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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At 1st I was just completely hurt and didn't understand........I've eventually become pretty much complacent though.

if I'd wanted a roommate....I'd have gotten one....

thanks for listening...I am glad I am not alone!!!!!

Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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Ok...sorry.......a few months after we were married....Boom!!!! Stop!! Nothing. We have tried..unsuccessfully to have sex. ( with my prodding)(viagra..Drs) but just twice in the last year....it's like he doesn't. much give a crap.......no basically no sec for 3 yrs!! I mean none! I've tried almost every angle

Angie - posted on 09/06/2012

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I do not have kids in the home..but this issue is something I deal with each day.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I am 40ish and he 50ish.

Things were great! (Continued ...last time I lost the text)

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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@ Amanda, I know how you feel last night was mu husbands night off and we were watching TV in bed and then a Victoria Secret commercial came on. His eyes were glued to the TV...I just turned away and then later fell asleep. We didn't cuddle or anything I hate to say it but I've gotten use to this now. I actually donated all of my sexy night gowns to the Goodwill and now wear pajama pants and t-shirts to bed. Same thing with us he use to keep his hands on me, we would even get in the shower together haven't done this in years. Your's is at least wanting to have sex so that is good. Have you told him how you feel? I've told mine and all I get is I'm sorry and a blank stare. Your not married yet and let him know what you want and expect from the relationship. Maybe then it will open his eyes that you feel this way. I hope it all works out for you.
Amanda

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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I am having the same types of issues. I am 25 and engaged, we have a 2.5 yr old but she isnt his. I do EVERYTHIG around the house and I know he feels like I should because I am at home and he works. I feel like his roomate. It used to be where he couldnt keep his hands off me to never touching me or hugging me and only kissing me when he leaves for work. We used to be so happy and joke around all the time and all of it just stopped. We do have sex a couple times a week but thats about as much attention I get from him. He just started a new job and I am worried he will find someone with a job thats thinner and with no child. He is a great father but I do everything potty train clean up after make her food give her baths he really doesnt do any of the MUST dos with her. I just dont know what to do. I am starting to get really depressed. The last 3 nights he slept on the couch and didnt even say good night or anything to me. WHAT should I do?

April - posted on 10/10/2011

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It has actually gotten better between us the past few days. Not sure if it's just a cycle or if he feels stressed since I'm now staying home w/ the kids. I ask him if he's ok or wants to talk about anything and he he says everything is fine. Not sure I believe him all the time, but I am starting to feel closer to him lately. It is nice having that feeling back. :)

Jay - posted on 10/07/2011

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It kind of sounds like my husband too, He sleeps on the couch and is asleep before me even though when I ask him to come to bed he says he is not tired. I always think he would prefer to be doing something, like shopping or going to the hairdressers more than hanging out with me and our son. But then again, I look at older couples and that kinda seems to be the way it goes. If I mention it too him then he will spend a few evenings in and all in all he is a great dad and I love him. I am emotional now with our second baby so I feel like I want him there all the time, but I know that isn't really fair! x

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