Mimi - posted on 09/03/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )
I am having some difficulties in my marriage and need some advice. my husband says he doesn't want a divorce but he also doesn't want to do anything to better our marriage. I will try to make this brief but when i'm upset i tend to ramble...i apologize in advance...LOL. We have been married since feb 21 of this year. i am 6 months pregnant and i stay at home. not by choice, i have a medical condition during pregnancy that has kept me from working. we fight all the time about stupid stuff. he is not affectionate...at all!! well i won't say at all because when he wants to have sex, he's all over me. i moved here to be with him, i don't have any friends, no family here so i sit in the house all day with no car with my 3 yr old. can't go anywhere, don't have any friends to hang out with. i have a severe case of cabin fever and he would rather see me cry and be depressed because i'm alone than take 2 hours out of his day to walk around the mall or play at the park.he is stressed out because money is so tight so he will ignore me. and i literally mean ignore. on mother's day he didn't wish me a happy mother's day, he barely spoke to me...he waited until 6pm to go to the store to get me a balloon and some flowers which he didn't give me, he had his son give them to me when they walked in the door. then he decided he was going out to the bar with his friends! ON MOTHER"S DAY!! i try to find a movie to watch with him and he won't pick somethimg to watch. i usually wind up in our bedroom watching tv while he's on the computer in the living room. i have tried so many different things for us to spend time together because we don't have alot of money and he turns down everything! when he is stressed he won't talk to me and he says it's because he doesn't want to stress me out even more because of the difficulties with my pregnancy. he refuses to understand that not talking to me for 2 days stresses me out! i asked him to go to counseling with me he flat out said no. didn't even think about it, not even for a day or an hour just immediately NO! we have a difference of opinion about everything and the more i pay attention the more it seems like he will disagree with me just to have an argument. i moved to FL to be with him and when i first got here we were all over each other! maybe that was because it was new BUT he told me and my best friend that he was a very affectionate person. i am also one of those women that has been screwed over by men so many times that i kind of expect it. i told him that i have a wall built up that was hard to break through but he promised he would stay around and he loved me. i also just found out that he had a conversation with my best friend where he told her that he wouldn't let me push him away and that he was going to be there for me to lean on when i got scared of being hurt by him....i haven't seen it! he lied to me and he lied to her! my husband says that the only problem he has is lack of money. i know that men feel like failures when they can't provide for their families but we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, the lights are still on! so i said fine, after i have the baby and i get back to work things should be better because it won't all be on him but i'm not due until november and who knows how long it will be to find a job and i'm about at my wits end. but i got married for better or worse. i even told him i would just suck it out and deal with him until i get back to work and he told me not to do that, it's not fair. so he tells me he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want me to stick around until things get better if i'm going to be miserable. i'm willing to stay until i go back to work as long as when i do go back to work, things are better between us. but i am tired of being the only one coming up with ideas on how to make our marriage work and then he turns me down! i am so lost now because it feels like i am carrying this relationship by myself. now he says that he's torn between being married and getting a divorce because i'm always telling him i'm not happy and he doesn't want me to stay if i'm not happy but he also says that he doesn't want me to leave. that right there confuses me!! LOL! but when i tell him the simplest things i need to make me feel better, he can't do it. i get 2 kisses a day...one when he leaves for work (which he doesn't go to work until 3:30 in the afternoon so i go all day with no hugs or kisses) and one when he comes home from work. if i want a hug, i have to go get it from him and when i approach him he usually looks at me all surprised and asks me what i want! he NEVER tells me he loves me. i have to say it first. he actually told me one time"well, i'm married to you, doesn't that let you know i love you?" he thinks that he never has to say it again. i might believe that he loved me if he showed me he loved me but again, there is no affection! i tell him not to ignore me when he's stressed out about something, we are in this together, let me help figure some things out...he tells me it's not my responsibility and i have enough stressing me out. the pregnancy doesn't stress me out but he seems to think it does. i just don't know what to do. i have even thought about going back home and staying with my mom until i have the baby so we have some time apart and i'm not upset all the time but he says that's too long of a break and he doesn't want to miss the birth. so ok, you don't want to spend time with me, you don't want to talk to me, you can't even kiss or hug me more than once or twice a day. you don't make me feel like you want me anymore but God forbid i say i want to leave so we can have some time apart now all of a sudden you want me here!! i rambled....sorry. but plz, someone has got to help me. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE!!! i just want my husband to put forth some effort too....help!!