husband says he doesn't want a divorce but....

Mimi - posted on 09/03/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi!

I am having some difficulties in my marriage and need some advice. my husband says he doesn't want a divorce but he also doesn't want to do anything to better our marriage. I will try to make this brief but when i'm upset i tend to ramble...i apologize in advance...LOL. We have been married since feb 21 of this year. i am 6 months pregnant and i stay at home. not by choice, i have a medical condition during pregnancy that has kept me from working. we fight all the time about stupid stuff. he is not affectionate...at all!! well i won't say at all because when he wants to have sex, he's all over me. i moved here to be with him, i don't have any friends, no family here so i sit in the house all day with no car with my 3 yr old. can't go anywhere, don't have any friends to hang out with. i have a severe case of cabin fever and he would rather see me cry and be depressed because i'm alone than take 2 hours out of his day to walk around the mall or play at the park.he is stressed out because money is so tight so he will ignore me. and i literally mean ignore. on mother's day he didn't wish me a happy mother's day, he barely spoke to me...he waited until 6pm to go to the store to get me a balloon and some flowers which he didn't give me, he had his son give them to me when they walked in the door. then he decided he was going out to the bar with his friends! ON MOTHER"S DAY!! i try to find a movie to watch with him and he won't pick somethimg to watch. i usually wind up in our bedroom watching tv while he's on the computer in the living room. i have tried so many different things for us to spend time together because we don't have alot of money and he turns down everything! when he is stressed he won't talk to me and he says it's because he doesn't want to stress me out even more because of the difficulties with my pregnancy. he refuses to understand that not talking to me for 2 days stresses me out! i asked him to go to counseling with me he flat out said no. didn't even think about it, not even for a day or an hour just immediately NO! we have a difference of opinion about everything and the more i pay attention the more it seems like he will disagree with me just to have an argument. i moved to FL to be with him and when i first got here we were all over each other! maybe that was because it was new BUT he told me and my best friend that he was a very affectionate person. i am also one of those women that has been screwed over by men so many times that i kind of expect it. i told him that i have a wall built up that was hard to break through but he promised he would stay around and he loved me. i also just found out that he had a conversation with my best friend where he told her that he wouldn't let me push him away and that he was going to be there for me to lean on when i got scared of being hurt by him....i haven't seen it! he lied to me and he lied to her! my husband says that the only problem he has is lack of money. i know that men feel like failures when they can't provide for their families but we have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, the lights are still on! so i said fine, after i have the baby and i get back to work things should be better because it won't all be on him but i'm not due until november and who knows how long it will be to find a job and i'm about at my wits end. but i got married for better or worse. i even told him i would just suck it out and deal with him until i get back to work and he told me not to do that, it's not fair. so he tells me he doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want me to stick around until things get better if i'm going to be miserable. i'm willing to stay until i go back to work as long as when i do go back to work, things are better between us. but i am tired of being the only one coming up with ideas on how to make our marriage work and then he turns me down! i am so lost now because it feels like i am carrying this relationship by myself. now he says that he's torn between being married and getting a divorce because i'm always telling him i'm not happy and he doesn't want me to stay if i'm not happy but he also says that he doesn't want me to leave. that right there confuses me!! LOL! but when i tell him the simplest things i need to make me feel better, he can't do it. i get 2 kisses a day...one when he leaves for work (which he doesn't go to work until 3:30 in the afternoon so i go all day with no hugs or kisses) and one when he comes home from work. if i want a hug, i have to go get it from him and when i approach him he usually looks at me all surprised and asks me what i want! he NEVER tells me he loves me. i have to say it first. he actually told me one time"well, i'm married to you, doesn't that let you know i love you?" he thinks that he never has to say it again. i might believe that he loved me if he showed me he loved me but again, there is no affection! i tell him not to ignore me when he's stressed out about something, we are in this together, let me help figure some things out...he tells me it's not my responsibility and i have enough stressing me out. the pregnancy doesn't stress me out but he seems to think it does. i just don't know what to do. i have even thought about going back home and staying with my mom until i have the baby so we have some time apart and i'm not upset all the time but he says that's too long of a break and he doesn't want to miss the birth. so ok, you don't want to spend time with me, you don't want to talk to me, you can't even kiss or hug me more than once or twice a day. you don't make me feel like you want me anymore but God forbid i say i want to leave so we can have some time apart now all of a sudden you want me here!! i rambled....sorry. but plz, someone has got to help me. I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE!!! i just want my husband to put forth some effort too....help!!

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6 Comments

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Debi - posted on 11/25/2009

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I hope things are getting better for you. I am in sort of a similar situation...only I am the provider for my family. I think it may bother my husband that he stays home with the kids, but there are reasons why he cannot work and why I prefer him to not work at this point in our lives also.



Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice (as I said, I am stuck in a similar predicament), except for try and keep your head up. I know women are supposed to give in and be so appreciative to their husbands, and in your case, yes, he is providing the income for your family, but you are carrying his child! That is a tremendous job to employ. Should he be praised and thanked by you for going out everyday and bringing home a paycheck? Sure! Should you be praised for staying at home and taking care of your family and nurturing the baby that is in your belly right now? Absolutely!!! It's a give-and-take scenario. It shouldn't be a give-and-give.



As far as marriage counseling...I am trying to convince my husband to go as well...but the thing that I have learned about counseling is this: IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU WANT IT TO! So, even if your hubby finally agreed to go, he would really have to put an effort into it and want it to work.



Good luck with everything. Blessings upon your family!

Sharalyn - posted on 11/24/2009

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Marriage counselling is the only way. If he doesn't want a divorce yet he doesn't wanna improve either, its a double standard. he can't be wishy washy in a marriage. its either black or white, no gray areas. Tell him to get it together. Or he just might want you to give him an ultimatium so he doesn't have to break up with his pregnant wife. Men can be devious at times. Do what needs to be done, nothing drastic of course, but counselling is a must. A pastor will go to your place if needed. Hope this helps.

Mimi - posted on 09/16/2009

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thank you jessica...we talked the other night asbout how ro make it work. i am not feeling much like lingerie wearing. i am very self conscious about my body anyway and now being 7 months pregnant...well you can imagine i feel like a whale! but we have started talking more and being open more. when i talk to him about something i do or don't want, he listens and doesn't just have a smart ass remark and start an argument. this has allowed me to keep calm when he's telling me what he needs from me. i don't think i have told him that i appreciate what he does for our family but tonight when he gets home, i will make that a priority to tell him. thank ypu for your suggestions!

Jessica - posted on 09/16/2009

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I have a few suggestions. My husband and i are in the same situation almost. We are newly married and i lost my job.

One suggestion would be unemployment. Have u tried to apply. Money can definitely put a strain on marriage.

Two; you may have to show him what u want out of him. Do to him what u want him to do to you. If u want more affection u may have to show him more affection.

Three: you may just have to loose your mind and give him an ultamatum. (i think thats how u spell it.) he keeps telling u what he doesnt want u to do. dont leave, no divorce. tell him what u want for the last time. And u may have to really be detailed. I mean word for word what u want. Dont tell him u just want more affection, say u want more than just two kisses a day. And give him a time limit to change. If he doesnt then u may just have to go to ur moms for a while. I know it will be hard but its whats best for ur family.

Four: Men love it when their wives do extra stuff sexually. put on some lingere light some candles give him a back rub after a long day of work and just cater to him.

Five: instead of telling him whats he's not doing give him words of encouragement. Let him know that he's a great husband for going out everyday to provide for his family. Let him know just how much u appreciate him. YOU HAVE TO STROKE A MANS EGO.



thats all i got. i hope this was helpful somehow.

Mimi - posted on 09/15/2009

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thanks for responding marsha! actually i have thrown my arms around him when he walks through the door. i will get up from whatever i'm doing and i will say "is that my sexy ass hubby coming through the door??!!" then go and give him a big hug and a big ol' wet one!! he will pull away from me and look at me like i did something wrong. you know how it is when your kids come to you out of nowhere and tell you "i love you" and you immediatly respond with "i love you too, ok what do you want?' or "what did you do"...that's the look he gives me, like i want something from him. but since i posted this, we had a HUGE fight and i started packing my bags. i was done...i won't go into details but it got absolutey ugly and i will not live in a home with such disrespect. as soon as he saw me getting my stuff together, he went outside to call his mom! it was 2 o'clock in the morning and the man called his mama! he told me he would go to counseling, he told me he loved me, he told me he didn't want to miss out on raising his son. and for the last 2 weeks i can see the effort. it hasn't been perfect, but i am not perfect and neither is he. i haven't found a counselor yet, well i found one we can afford but she doesn't have an opening until the end of october. i didn't want to wait that long but if i have to wait, i will. my marriage is worth it. we even went through a marriage self help book and took some of the couple's quizzes and it allowed us to start understanding each other better. i hope we continue to do better...thanks again for responding!

Marsha - posted on 09/10/2009

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Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? She has atleast two books that would be of great help to you in your situation. From reading your story, your husband does love you, even if he doesn't say it. Some men just don't think that it is important to say, and many women out there are just as frustrated that their spouse doesn't express their feelings the way they want to. I would greatly suggest that you absolutely do not move back to your mom's, your husband is already stressed that he doesn't feel he cannot give you more financially, if you move to your mom's, he will feel completely unable to provide for you. You want more love, affection, and attention. Have you tried focusing on his concerns? A very difficult thing with hormones out of whack, but how would he react if the moment he comes home from a hard day at work, and you throw your arms around him at the door and give him a passionate kiss, and then say, "I love you, and thank you for all the hard work you do for us." Men want to feel appreciated, wanted, and needed just as much as every women does. Dr. Laura points out in her books about Husbands and Marriage, that when the wife acts first, the husband sees her change and responds. He has been shutting himself off at home, which has been leaving you all by yourself which is really hard and trying in a marriage. Just remember, he committed himself to you and is sticking by his word, and is scared stiff that you will leave him. He may feel better if you verbally commit yourself to staying with him as well, cut off your "escape" option, and he will open up more instead of fearing that you are going to break his heart. The reason he won't even consider counseling is because his first thought is either, "that costs money we don't have," or "the counselor will tell me that I am the problem, and if I had a better job, we wouldn't have the problem".



You may want to spend time walking around the mall, but if he is like my husband, he goes absolutely nuts in stores and malls. "Get in, get what you need, get out" is his idea of shopping and he is married to me, who loves window shopping with no particular interest in any of the products. And I really understand what you are going through, my husband does the same kind of things when he is stressed. Lays on the couch and won't do anything, it seems. But when I am smart enough to do the same things I advised you to try it is a completely different story. The more I give to his needs, the more I get in return. I highly recommend Dr. Laura's books, they are a great help and resource, a local library may also have them too. If there is a park within walking distance, go there with your three year old. While your kid plays on the playground, visit the other mothers sitting on the park benches. You may even find a local play group to go to, which allows your child to benefit from playing with many kids, and you can socialize with the other mothers and make new friends.



I hope that I have been of some help, and I truely hope that you can work out the knots in your life and marriage.

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