is it a good idea to take a break??

Misty - posted on 01/03/2010

i had the same issue when my son was born. My husband was working and so was I and the house work just stopped getting done. Eventually when he didn't have dinner on the table or clean clothes he started to pitch in. When my husband got out of the Navy we were in the process of moving from Maryland to Wisconsin, I would pack all day and clean and my husband would play video games. From the time he got up (at noon or later) until 4 AM he would sit in front of the video games. I got so fed up. i had no help with our son or anything in the house and I was still working. instead of my husband taking care of our son during the day he would make me take him to daycare. I would fight with him, but all the fighting in the world didn't matter. he just didn't care how I felt. Eventually I just stopped fighting. It was like I was living my own life within our marriage. I enjoyed my time with my son and did the things I needed to do for us. I stopped doing my husbands laundry, stopped cooking for him. Made him realize that if I didn't get help, then he was on his own. I'm his wife, not his mother. i don't need to take care of him, he's a grown man. Eventually he got the message. I think it was just a phase he was going through. There were a lot of things changing at that time in his life and it was just his way of dealing with it.

I had thought about taking a break from my husband, but I don't think it would have helped. I didn't want our marriage to suffer any more than it already was. I took everything in stride the best that I could. Don't get me wrong, I cried a lot, i was exhausted emotionally and physically. but the last thing i needed at that time was to deal with an actual separation of any kind. Like Anne said, once you take a break it's too easy to just walk away instead of working it out. Once my husband realized I was missing from his day to day activities, he started to take notice. Slowly at first of course. I noticed one day he did the dishes. The next he did a load of laundry. Then one day I came home and there was no video game on the television, he was out of his pajamas, and took the baby from me and kissed me hello.

We still struggle from time to time, but we always get through it. I love my husband dearly, faults and all. There are still days when I want to kill him lol but I wouldn't trade him for anything. So hang in there. Try to talk to him again, but it may not work. It could just be a phase he's going through. Men aren't like us, they don't always talk about what's on their mind. Maybe he's dealing with something and doesn't know how to tell you. Just let him know what you expect from him, because even if it doesn't seem like it, he hears you. And then keep going with your life. This too shall pass.

Good luck.

Myra - posted on 12/10/2009

My husband and I had a baby in May 2008, and we started bickering and light fighting more. I think because we were both tired, and the dynamic of our relationship changed...we'd been together since 1998 just us so a baby was a huge change. This June my husband lost his job, too...he's still looking for a job, and willing to do anything but nothing has come from any of the jobs he's applied for.

My advice is to keep trying to communicate with your husband. As hard as it is on you to deal with him the way he is right now, if your husband is anything like mine, he is having a really hard time just existing. He probably is pretty depressed over things...feels like less of a husband, provider, and less of a man in general. Although it's not fair that he's not doing his 50%, remind him that you still love him, care about him, and need him. The issues you guys are having sound situational, and can totally change when the situation changes. One of the hardest things a marriage can go through is being around eachother all the time when you need time apart (like for work or personal interests).

What I have done to get my husband more motivated to do things around the house is just to wake him up when me and our daughter wakes up (no matter how much he protests) so that he's tired at night, and make a little list of things that need to be done that fall more under the lines of what husbands do...things like raking the leaves, cleaning gutters, and things that require lots of reaching; like cleaning cobwebs from the ceiling. Our ceilings are 12ft, so it makes him feel big to clean them...go figure. From there, I just added things, and now, he can and does do any chore around the house. With me it also helps that I'm 31 weeks pregnant (I got pregnant about a month before he lost his job...talk about bad timing!).

Just keep your patience about you. I know it is really hard with things the way they are, but keep in mind things are different as day and night for him. I agree totally that he should do more, but as he feels more like everything is OK and you don't see him as less of a man, he'll be easier to deal with.

Chris - posted on 11/24/2009

A husband should help out. Mine washes dishes, vacuums the floors, sweeps, changes diapers, dresses our daughter and feeds her, takes the clothes from washer to dryer, even helps fold on occasion, rocks our girl to sleep when needed and last night got up at 5am with her and got her back to sleep and laid down with her so she wouldn't wake up again. And selfish ol' me sometimes feels like he doesn't do very much! Try looking for what he does do. Does he pick up his clothes, or little things like that. Sometimes I get so focused on what he doesn't do I forget the little things he does do. Us women are selfish too, just in another way. If you have tried all you know, then maybe its time to give him a shocker. Tell him he is going to start helping and doing things - sometimes men aren't just lazy, its that they just don't know what to do or how to do it. Every little thing he does praise him and say thank you. But let him know what you expect of him.

Sharalyn - posted on 11/24/2009

Men are so damn selfish. They tend to get jealous of their own offspring! it use to be just you and him now its you , him, and baby! And he doesn't like the thought of that anymore. Of course, when you were pregnant it was all good because thats the easy part. When abby comes along, it does change things in a marriage. He has to understand fighting isn't going to help. And I bet if you suggest you guys go on a break, he would be so pissed because he feels he lost you to your baby and now he's gonna lose you again. Marriage is not 50/50. Its 100/100. not 40/60 or 80/20, its 100/100. your doing about 150/and he's doing the 50 and thats not fair. its time for a compromise or an ultimatim. its up to you to put your foot down and stand your ground with him. hope this helps.

Mimi - posted on 08/15/2009

hi, my name is mimi and i'm new to the group. well i feel like i'm in the same boat as you and sarah but my husband DOES have a job! i'm not working due to some complications with my pregnancy so $$$ is extra tight. i try not to focus on it since we still have a roof over our heads and lights on and food in the fridge, but my husband will get in these moods where he will straight out ignore me for a day or two at a time because he is so stressed about money. he says he doesn't want to stress me out about it so that's why he doesn't talk to me but i keep telling him that NOT talking to me is stressful. i have been trying to learn to deal with it and hopefully it will change as soon as i get a job. as for taking a break...if you want to leave for the day, GO AHEAD!! i hate how women say "leave the baby with my husband" or "get my husband to babysit"...are you a babysitter? does he ask you if you mind keeping the kids while he leaves the house? NO!!! he is not a babysitter, he is the father! tell him you have to go to the store and leave! if the man can not be bothered to take care of his own child, then there is a problem. moms need that alone time, even if it's going to the bahtroom alone! as for taking a break for a few months, everyone is different. some people feel that it would make it easier to leave permanently others feel a break is good for them. only you can be the judge of that. as for housework...as a mom, our jobs are never done! our husbands go to work 8-10 hours/day but they get to come home and shower and chill out. we are with the kids, cleaning all day, doing the household errands/chores then cooking...we give the baths and put them to bed. when are we off the clock? at bed time!! so i do not think you are asking too much for wanting your husband to help. him having a job does not mean you are a housekeeper. the one thing i can say about my hubby is that he is a neat freak. he works 40+ hrs a week but on 1 of his 2 days off, he cleans the hell out of our house! it is not about man vs woman or husband vs wife...marriage is a joint effort! your husband should recognize that being a wife and mother is more difficult than any job he will ever have and he should appreciate you for it. he should be holding the door open for you as you walk out for your day of fun and shopping with your friends! you deserve it!!

Sarah - posted on 07/29/2009

Tasha,
I'm sort of in the opposite boat, but going through the same emotional difficulties. I was the breadwinner but lost my job, even though I was top producer, in March and have been unemployed ever since. My husband complains that I stay up too late instead of cleaning during the day, but I seriously think he is the most OCD/Anal person in the entire world. I know, that's a terrible thing to feel about your spouse. In order to keep him satisfied, I end up feeling obligated to stay up and clean because during the day, I've been a) looking for a job or b)networking or even c) keeping my daughter home from daycare so we can spend quality time together. None of that registers with him, because it's very black & white and either the house looks impeccable or I'm a failure. So, any advice for both of us?

Keely - posted on 07/19/2009

Hey there Tasha. I absolutely know the kind of situation you're in. I was there not to long ago, only my son is three and I'm pregnant. My husband and I started bickering within one month after marriage and didn't stop until almost a year into it. He got laid off and spent all his money on things that we didn't need at all. I moved out with my son and honestly, we wouldn't still be married if I hadn't. We lived separately for about 4-5 months and now we're back together. We're still married. We don't fight all the time. So really, to me, sometimes taking a break does work. But you still have to work at your relationship and see each other regularly if you do. Otherwise it's very easy to give up or call it quits. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you and your family.

Bethany - posted on 07/02/2009

Tasha,
A break for day is a good idea... very important for a young mom! I leave my daughter with my husband and go wander around downtown, go to a movie, a bookstore, go clothes shopping at thrift stores. Anything to feel like I'm a woman. :)

I'm so sorry you're going through all this! It's hard, I know. My husband was unemployed for 8 months when the economy first went down, and it was incredibly difficult on both of us and our marriage! I think Anne was right, though, that a man's sense of worth is oftentimes tied up in work. Your husband is probably pretty depressed, and feeling like he's a failure for not being able to provide for you and your little one. Unfortunately, you can't change him or how he's acting toward you. All you can do is work on how you treat him, and pray for change in him.

One thing you maybe do is encourage him to get out of the house too. If he's there all day, he's probably feeling a little stir-crazy. Tell him to go to a movie with the guys or a poker night or something.

I wish you all the best.
~Beth

Shelly - posted on 07/01/2009

Tasha,

Ok asking this way is alot different than what the original question...No it's not asking to much to be able to go have time to refill your tank...And as far as feeling guilty about asking your husband to watch his daughter WHY??? It is his daughter too and he's not doing anything any way so Put the guilt about that away and take a day to go do something other than being a wife and mother go be a friend or a SHOPPER even if it's just grocerie shopping...as long as you do it by your self!!!

Tasha - posted on 07/01/2009

Quoting Shelly:

Tasha,
First off marriage is not 50/50 marriage is 100/100. You can not change him only the Lord can do that. If you take a break that just makes it that much easier to walk away
!! You say that you have talk to him about it?? And when you do this is it in the heat of the moment or is it when things are calm?? Have you tried looking at his side of it?? Here he is feeling like a dirt ball because he can't provide for his family and doesn't know when he will be going back to work and then he has his wife at home nagging him about doing dishes!!! Would you want to be around that when your already feeling beaten down?? I don't think so, you need to take a step back and look at the entire picture and not just your little corner of it!!! You need to remember that most men show thier love to us #1 thru sex and #2 by taking care of thier familys and when we as wives sit and nag them about house work and feeling like they can't do any thing right then why would you think that he would feel like showing you love??? It's time to take a different approach try killing him with kindness try fixing his favorite meal and bring him coffee in bed in the morning whats that old saying " you can catch more ants with honey than with vinigar!" Right now it sounds like alot af vinigar flowing in your house!!! Try some thing new you might be surprised!!!

I dont think that you understand the fact that he is the one nagging ME about why the housework is not done!! I am doing my best to keep things in perspective, and understand WHY he is doing the things that he does, but at the same time, I can only handle soo much before the kettle is going to explode!! Another point I wanted to clear up was the fact that I would NEVER walk away from my marriage. I was only asking if it was a good idea to take a day for myself and go out for the day alone? I feel guilty asking him to watch our daughter for a day so I can go out and be with some good friends, but at the same time, my daughter is 5 months old, and I haven't been out without her since she was born!! :( I love my daughter to death, but at the same time, I dont think it is aking too much for a day to myself, is it??

Shelly - posted on 06/30/2009

Tasha,

First off marriage is not 50/50 marriage is 100/100. You can not change him only the Lord can do that. If you take a break that just makes it that much easier to walk away

!! You say that you have talk to him about it?? And when you do this is it in the heat of the moment or is it when things are calm?? Have you tried looking at his side of it?? Here he is feeling like a dirt ball because he can't provide for his family and doesn't know when he will be going back to work and then he has his wife at home nagging him about doing dishes!!! Would you want to be around that when your already feeling beaten down?? I don't think so, you need to take a step back and look at the entire picture and not just your little corner of it!!! You need to remember that most men show thier love to us #1 thru sex and #2 by taking care of thier familys and when we as wives sit and nag them about house work and feeling like they can't do any thing right then why would you think that he would feel like showing you love??? It's time to take a different approach try killing him with kindness try fixing his favorite meal and bring him coffee in bed in the morning whats that old saying " you can catch more ants with honey than with vinigar!" Right now it sounds like alot af vinigar flowing in your house!!! Try some thing new you might be surprised!!!

Julie - posted on 06/30/2009

I definately empathize with you!! What a tough situation!! In my opinion, it is never OK to take a break unless you are willing to take a permanent break! If you want to commit to your relationship, you MUST remain committed! Life with a newborn is rough under the best of circumstances. Add unemployment and bickering to the mix and it is impossible! I know for myself, that when I start to nag, it all goes downhill. I am not calling you a nag, but we all tend to do that sometimes when we feel like we are giving our all and getting nothing in return. When I find myself feeling that way, I need to change my thinking. I need to find SOMETHING...ANYTHING to value in my husband. I focus on his good points (and trust me, sometimes they are hard to find!), thank him when he does something helpful (even if it was simply wiping up his spilled pop on the kitchen counter), and make him feel good about being a man...my man. When my husband feels my love, he starts to do more for me. Sort of like a dog!!! If he thinks he's going to get a bone, he will sit, speak and roll over!! Good luck to you!

Anne - posted on 06/30/2009

Hi Tasha, My name is Anne and my husband and I have ben married almost 30 years. If you mean take a break form your marriage, In my opinion, and it is just that my opinion, unless there is abuse of some sort or an affaire I would say no. Here is my reason, once you have walked away it is a lot easier to call it quiets than work through the struggles.

Having said this I do believe that there are things you could do that might help. First if you are a Praying person, than Pray Pray Pray. Also there is a lot of truth in the believe that a man's self worth is tied to his job. Please understand I and not a medical professional, however could you r husband be depressed? Also your hormones are most likely still up and down from your daughters birth.

Have you considered marriage counseling or counseling for you. I am not sure where you live but in most states in America there are low cost or free clinics. If you have a church or house of worship you may be able to find help there.

Although my husband has never ben unemployed (Praise God) I do remember after the birth of our first daughter being depressed beyond just baby blues, and with our second daughter I remember being soo tired I was numb. I hop some of this has helped. I also hope you did not feel attacked or put down by my post. Remember you can always seek support from this community