Weird, Dumb Question

Hollie - posted on 04/07/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Just wondering other opinions I think, when you get married, your relationship with your spouse is the most important relationship you have. My fiance thinks his family is still most important. Not our kids and me but his brothers and sisters and parents. I still think family is important but I feel that if we are getting married me and our kids take priority over all other relationships. That is the way I feel and it makes me feel like we're not as important to him as he is to us. Anyway, I would love your opinions either way. Maybe if I hear that I'm wrong, I won't feel so bad that he thinks that way
Hollie

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Bekah - posted on 05/29/2009

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Hollie you are DEFINALTY Right about this relationship...True his family has been there for him his whole life, but now YOU and YOUR children will be there for the rest of his future! He just needs to open up his eyes and see that! I'll keep you in my prayers!

Sharon - posted on 05/17/2009

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Your fiance should put you and your kids first. He's not a boy, he's a man. He needs to cut the umbilical chord already. If he doesn't do it now, you're going to feel like a slave instead of a wife, like a nobody. If all else fails, ask his parents to straighten him out.

Lynn - posted on 04/09/2009

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Hi Hollie,



Your question is not at all wierd/dumb! I have been married for nearly 13 yrs and this year we are renewing our vows!..........we also have 5 children who mean more than anything to BOTH of us.



I agree with you!! Yes you will always love your parents & siblings but when you agree to get married you are creating your OWN family and THAT family is the one that should come first!!



 



I hope you manage to sort things out before you do get married because it will always be there in the back of your mind if you feel that you and the children are second best and it can only create other issues.



 



Good luck!!! xx

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2009

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Hollie, I full heartedly agree with the fact that your spouse and child should be your first priority.  One just has to learn how to balance the responsibilites of being a spouse, a brother, a sister, someone's son or daughter. I love my parents and siblings dearly and my husband loves his parents, but our primary concern is each other and our son.  If you go into a marriage with this being an issue, it is going to cause other issues.  However, everybody has a right to their opinion. Good Luck and God Bless.  

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16 Comments

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Ellie Richardson - posted on 04/10/2012

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Its in the vows forsaken all others an for better an for worse. Wife and kids are first an everyone else second.

Amber - posted on 04/02/2012

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Hollie,

you are most definitely not wrong on this. you and the children you have with him are his family you should take precedence! the relationship with his family(mom siblings dad ect) are still important but not as important as you and your kids should be! i do hope things work out between you and this problem is figured out!

Melanie - posted on 06/16/2009

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Dear Hollie,
I've been married for sixteen and a half years. Yes, my married life is very important, and in most cases it does come first, but I also like spending time with my sisters and my mom. My husband understands. We also have get togethers with both families. If you have a good balance, that's all that matters. You are very important to your husband. His family relationships have absolutely nothing to do with his feelings for you.

[deleted account]

10 kids 16 yrs married...so far the advice is excellent. Stand up, you are doing the right thing.

Suzie - posted on 06/10/2009

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Hi Hollie,
I have been married 20 years this Dec. When we first got married, my husband thought the same way. He always put his family before us, We had 2 kids within two years of our marriage. We nearly divorced due to the problems that came from his family being placed before our family. No matter what he did, they would always take his side. If his family did or said something to me that wasnt their place, he would always take their side. I was "'the odd man out."That carried on for several years until I just couldnt take it anymore. Something happened that left him no choice but to choose between them and our family. He chose us and we have now been married for 20 years. He let them know we came first and everyone gets along great now. As bad as it is, he may end up being forced to make that choice, Hope he make the right one.

Shelly - posted on 05/30/2009

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Hollie,

I just came in here to check it out had no intentions of joining until I read your post and had to comment...No your not wrong we are told to leave our parents house and become one with your spouse...You and your children are his family, Yes extended family is important but not at the cost of your spouce and children!!! Have you talk to him about how it makes you feel? If not shame on you he can't read your mind...and if you have then just keep talking about it but don't do it in a manner in which you accuse him do it in a manner of..."Ya know when you do blank, blank is how you make me feel(fill in the blank). It all comes down to the way we communicate with our spouces so if you can;t do it calmly at the time then wait till the mad passes and talk to him...Good luck and I will keep your family in my prayers

Tammy - posted on 04/25/2009

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Yours should be first it is even in the Bible somewhere (i'm bad at memorizing sorry) but when he makes a committment to you then your family should come first. His is important too but not first anymore.

Amber - posted on 04/16/2009

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I feel the exact same way as you do. Your family( husband kids) are definately priority one!! The extended family is still important but yours should be first!

Hollie - posted on 04/09/2009

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thanks everybody! I read these to him and he said that he understands now. Before he was telling me that he HAS to choose his family b/c that was his blood. I don't know if he will actually change the way he feels but he says he's trying. We do live together. His 9 yo old son, my 7 and 5 yo son and daughter and our 7 month old all live with us. And just to clarify, I'm not making him choose or anything like that. It was just something that we somehow got talking about. He actually told me "lovers come and go, your family is forever" Hello, I'm not a "lover", I'm your fiance and the mother of your child!! Sometimes I wonder!!
hollie

Patti - posted on 04/09/2009

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Hi there!



This is not a wierd or dumb question. You should ask your fiance if his mom and dad were loyal to each other and their kids? or were they loyal to their parents and siblings? Maybe that was the way he was raised. In which case, I wouldn't count on him changing much. Maybe if he is secure that if he is loyal to you and your kids without feeling like he is "deserting" his family, he will be more open to it. He might feel like he is deserting them even though he really isn't.

Bek - posted on 04/08/2009

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hi, i don't think ur question is weird or dumb...



The Bible does state (if u r interested) both in Genesis and in Ephesians the a man is to leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife and become one flesh...

however, if he not a Christian, i don't think that will hold much relevance to him....



you can win his loyalty by treating him like a king even if he is acting like a toad...

just try it for about a month....

do all the old fashioned things that wives used to do in the 50's...greet him at the door with a hug and a smile....let him put his feet up when he gets home....make the baby look irresistable,dress her up a little...try to look tired but happy...

f

rom what you have written, i don't know if you are living together or not...if u aren't, i would consider not marrying him at all....if you are, consider moving out until the wedding....maybe he will appreciate what he has with you more than he already does....

Luvs and Blessings, Bek

Lisa - posted on 04/08/2009

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PS Your question is not dumb or weird. It really is something that should be thought about and talked about! :)

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