What do you do when your husband has freinds he can go out with but you have none?

Jenny - posted on 01/23/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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We've been battling with this for two years now, ever since my son was born. We now have two young kids (26months and 8months) and im in full mummy mode. All my friends find it difficult to hang out with me as they work during the day and go out at night, but i cant really do that, i've got kids. And slowly but surely i've drifted apart from my friends. No one makes the effort anymore, but i dont mind so long as i have my husband, he truly is my best friend.



However, with my husband, he has at least 4-5 close friends who love gaming, fishing and playing soccer and always invite him to go out. Every time he asks if i'll be ok with it, im NOT okay with it. Because the result is me being home alone with the kids having to take care of them which is what i do every day all day long as a stay-at-home-mum. I have no one and i care about no one else but my Husband (and kids of course). But i let him go out every now and then because i dont want to be that wife that never lets her husband out. However, every time i let him out i am so resentful!



I dont know how we can possibly find a good balance here when im in mummy mode and care more about my kids being taken care of and having time for my husband than hanging out with friends, and he cares about keeping friends happy. Sure he loves me and wants me to be happy, but at the same time he wants to go out with his friends too. And thats understandable, but when i dont have that same connection with my friends or even the will to have it, its real hard to swallow.



How can i possibly feel peaceful with him going out and leaving me behind? A few of his friends are married and i just dont get how their wives let their husbands go out? Makes me look like the bad one for wanting my husband to hang out with ME. Dont they feel that way too? I've tried to ask them, but they brush it off and laugh and say it does get to them, but at the end of the day they want to see their husband happy. I want that too, but its not enough to keep me happy and it does affect the way i view my husband.



To me, i married my husband because i wanted to spend every minute with him. He does not feel the same way. He loves me very much but wants a healthy balance with hanging out with friends too as well as some alone time. What is wrong with me (or him?) that i just cant see it that way. I really would be completely happy if he was by my side with every little thing i do, my companion that never leaves my side. (or at least thats what i feel is missing)



Do i need counseling or something? I dunno, it seems such a trivial thing compared to the real issues people have with their marriages, yet it affects me so much!



Any advice from someone who's been there or understands what i feel but can handle these feelings? Any advice at all on how to get a healthy balance?

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Sandra - posted on 04/20/2011

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Will your husband watch the kids for you if you want to have a Mommy Night Out? If the answer is "no" then you have a real problem. If the answer is "yes" then your husband sounds like a man who is just looking for a little balance in life. We have so many roles, wife, mother, the list is endless, but on that list is you. You have to be good at being you if you are going to be good at being anything else to anyone. There are so many wonderful people in the world, including you, that it would be a shame not to get out and meet a few. I've learned so much from my mom friends. I credit them with helping me be a better parent, wife and self. Lastly, being a family and the role of a single income dad is a tough one. It is an amazing and a lot of the time overwhelming responsibility, like being a mom sometime you just need a break. Both you and your husband need a break once in a while. Him spending some one on one time with the kids is good for all of them. You spending some time with friends is good for you. When you two see each other you have a new experience to share that isn't about the house, the bills, or the kids, which can be a very refreshing change of pace.

Trish - posted on 02/15/2011

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You need to get some 'mommy' friends. Women who are married and are in a similar situation as you (with young kids). Because if you keep getting resentful of your husband going out and he stays home with you. He's gonna get resentful of you and things will go sour.



Research play groups/coffee groups in your area...and attend...get you and your kids out mingling. Your old friends can still be there but there's nothing wrong in making new ones. Do it. Do you really want your husband glued to your hip? You need some time for you too. If he's out with his boys...you need to be out with your girls. Get out there. Make some new mommy friends. Once you do...it's the best. You can talk about kids and husbands...and they'll understand where you are coming from. They relate to you unlike the single ones who couldn't care less. You'll love it and your kids will love it. Get out of your comfort zone and make some new friends for you and your kids.



And who knows...maybe your husband will want to spend time but you're out and about with your mommy friends shopping, drinking coffee and having play dates. Or leave the kids with the hubbies one evening and go for a cocktail night with the other mommies. Even a pamper day or something.



Make your own fun and stop relying on your man. Yes you can love your husband but you gotta love yourself too.

Malena - posted on 01/24/2011

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I totally understand what you are saying, First i have to say you should read the book What a man wants in a woman and What a woman wants in a man. by john Hagee and his wife its one book into two! Also Wild at Heart is a great book that truly gives you an insight into a mans thoughts and feelings and what makes him function and tick in a christian view. I think there is probably more resentment because there is no "us" time than him being with his friends...maybe you all should arrange date nights or even date days on Saturdays go to matinee, putt putt, do the things you did when you all were dating and wooing each other! Do not ever stop wooing cause when that happens the flame dies and we began to start knit picking at the little things, but also there does have to be a good balance and I think you should talk to him and find the balance that works for the two of you.I have been married now going on 12yrs and what I have learned if you feel something no matter how big or small to not say anything builds resentment and eventually that resentment branches out to other things! I truly hope my advice will help you some and I pray that you find the happiness you desire! I will keep you in my prayers...

[deleted account]

I don't think you would mind your husband's going out if there were more balance in your life. Have you considered...



-- Getting a relative (or paid babysitter) to watch your kids while your husband takes you out on a "date." I realize your youngest is only 8 months, and you may need to breastfeed him, but you can go out for only an hour or two. An ice cream and a walk, a quick dinner, etc.



-- Getting your husband to watch his kids for an hour or two while you go out. It doesn't have to be with friends necessarily. Go shopping, get a coffee. Now that my son is old enough to not need constant breastfeeding, I do this! It's heaven to be alone with my own thoughts for once!



-- Getting your husband to take his kids out with him, so you get a chance to do some things at home, even if it's just taking a long shower and nap.



-- Inviting mutual friends/family for a get-together. (I think multi-generational friendships are important, but I realize some single and/or childless people have no interest in kids. Too bad. I had fertility problems, so I was childless a lot longer than my friends, and I spent a lot of time with my friends' kids. It was fun. My husband and I are "uncle and aunt" to many kids.) A casual get-together like a bbq or pizza party would encourage your friends to get to know your kids. You could invite your husband's friends and their wives.



You don't have to bust your butt doing these things all the time -- but even once a month makes a huge difference.



Hang in there, mama!

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Becky - posted on 10/22/2011

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I hear you! My man does the same thing. It's not that he would mind watching my daughter so I can go out, it's just I don't have anyone else to go out with when I have the chance. My friends mostly all have kids . . . quite a few have complicated custody situations so when they are free, I'm not & vis versa . . . not to mention if I'm kid free for the evening, I really don't feel like hanging out at my friends house, with her & her kids too. If I'm going to do that, I might as well bring my daughter with me.

At this point, it's really on me to make connections with my friends when I do want to go out. It used to be more difficult because the man used to feel like if I was able to go out, then he should go out too (even though he was going out with his friends whenever he wanted anyway). He used to refuse to stay home and watch my daughter (she's from a previous relationship) so I could have an evening out. A few years ago we had a big argument, I honestly kicked him out for a few weeks (that obviously was not our only issue). When he asked to come back, it was one of the issues I pointed out to him. He may not be her father, but to her, he's more ofa dad than her's will ever be. If he wants to be in our lives, it means treating her like she is his kid . . .good times & bad! I also point out the fact that Mom's need breaks as much as Dad's do! His eye opened and things greatly improved!

I'll admit that he still goes out with his friends 3 times more than I go out, it doesn't bother me any more because I know I can go out if I want to with out fighting with him over it.

Laura - posted on 10/15/2011

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I know how you feel my husband doesn't go out all the time but when he does which may be like 3-4 times a year he always goes out without me I am never invited or even considered. I stay at home with our daughter while he gets to go out and enjoy some alone time some time with his friends and let loose and enjoy the night. and here I am at home with our daughter cleaning and waiting for him to get home. I don't ever really get alone time for myself I never get asked hey would you like to do something just you and I watch Maddie...nope i have to take her everywhere I go. I know he works during the day and I cant expect him to take her but when he is done work and hes at home i get nothing and he gets to drink and have fun while i am inside cooking or cleaning and watching maddie sometimes i go into the backyard when hes out there drinking with his friends but than its our daughters bedtime and does he ever offer to put her to bed for me nope he never does he just assumes i will do it. i do so much around here i take care of the house and our daughter and he gets to work and he feels like thats all he should do is work while i do all the cleaning and caring for our daughter and nothing has changed for me so i learn to deal with it and i talk to friends about it but it still hurts me and i know it might not seem like an issue to some but it is to me and my feelings do get hurt. but he will never notice that he just never will.

April - posted on 04/10/2011

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I understand. The difference is my husband and i hang around in the same circle so when friends want to hang out we go together. He doesn't mind, i don't mind. We have the same friends.

Problem is, his close friends have a history of being unfaithful. The hang around other woman who aren't their wife/girlfriend and well... what you expect would happen happens. My husband and i had a bit of a trust issue during the start of our relationship which i won't elaborate on because it's such a long story but anyway the point is i am a bit reluctant to let him go out with these friends of his. I don't like the idea of him being with them and someone inviting some random girls into the group, seems odd to me. Of course he does go out with his other friends that i know aren't as sneaky and i let him go willingly, hell even i go out with my own friends on my own sometimes.

Maybe if it's bothering you so much you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. You'll feel better afterwards once it's out in the open. hang out together sometimes also. Have a date night. Hope everything works out. Good luck :)

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