New stay at home mom - scared...

Nea - posted on 02/06/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Due to uncontrollable circumstances (hostile work environment), I am now a stay at home mom for the first time ever. And it scares me. Is that wrong? I have always been independant...able to provide for myself..and now I am completely dependant on my husband.

Took my son Justin (my 2 year old) out of daycare Tuesday...and cried my eyes out. He loved it there...all his little friends. He is ok with it...so why is it so hard for me? I feel like I am, on some level, doing him an injustice, by keeping him home with me. I am scared that I can't give him all of the "learning" skills that he had there, much less the interaction skills that he learns there.

He is thrilled to be home with Mommy. He wakes up each morning, runs to my room, and gives me a big hug, and tells me how happy he is that I am home. He reminds me daily that school is over, work is over, and he has to stay home with me. It is such an amazing feeling to be there for him. I have missed so much in his growing up, not to mention that of my 8 year old, and to be there for them right now is awsome. So why is it so scary?

Thanks for the vent. Any advise would be appreciated!!

Thanks
Nea

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Jo - posted on 02/12/2010

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I can relate to how you're feeling in a way. I went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, and my husband was a stay at home Dad. That worked well until my son's 2nd birthday, when we decided to swap roles. I felt like I was leaving a BIG part of myself behind, and giving up all of my independence and identity in becoming a SAHM. As much as I loved the idea of spending more time with my beautiful boy (and my husband!), I felt like I was being disloyal to myself in doing it.



If it helps, that was almost a year ago now, and I'm loving life more and more each day. Definitely make sure that you find activities that you can do with your son each day - ideally something that also gives you some adult interaction! - but try to force yourself to stop and "smell the roses". In my case, I'd become so used to the 12 hour work days, 1 hour commuting each way, and still trying to be a good wife and mother, that the hardest part of the adjustment was learning how to R-E-L-A-X and just enjoy every precious moment.



Best of luck!

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Casey - posted on 02/10/2010

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I'm a stay at home mummy, it's what I've always wanted to be but I do look at it as my job.
I read heaps about child development and what activities to do so I give him a full education. I also make sure our days are full, playgroups so he gets social interaction and so do I! He's just started kindy/daycare so I'm going through the exact opposite to you at the moment, he only goes for one and a half days and I know that we now both need this as I'm expecting again soon and I want to have one on one time with the new baby when it arrives but its a big change and that is always difficult. The other thing I do is make cheap meals and save money in other ways, that includes what you are no longer paying out in daycare, it makes me feel like I have contributed financially because I look after finances and investments and made sure our money goes as far as possible. Hope some of these ideas help you so you can get more enjoyment out of your days. Remember its ok to grieve for your old life it doesn't mean you don't enjoy your new one it's just different and it will take time to make new friends and adjust.

Nea - posted on 02/10/2010

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I want to thank all of you for your encouraging words. I know that this is where I am meant to be right now. And everytime that I see the joy in my kids eyes, my husbands eyes, when they come home from school, wake up in the morning, tucking them into bed at night, it makes me feel better. But during the day, it is torture. Spending the quality time with my son is so amazing..but when he lays down for a nap, or when I log onto the computer to check in on things at work, I realize that I don't have that job any more, and the tear start flowing. I truly loved my job and the people that I worked with. I lost my best friends when I walked away, and now I have nothing. I know I have my family, and that is the most important thing in the world...but outside of that, I feel so alone. I didn't realize until here recently, how much a part of my life my job had become. The people that I worked with became a second family in a way. I worked 50 - 60 hours a week...and spent 10 - 12 hours a week commuting, depending if I worked 5 or 6 days a week. It is just such a big change for me.

That being said, I am finding some great activities for me to do with the kids, and for the first time in a long time, we have been able to do things as a family. And that feeling is amazing. I guess that it is just going to take time to get used to not having to work, not being needed in that way. I can now devote all of my time to my family, and treasure the time that I can spend with them. They grow up so fast...and now I have a chance to take those little moments in and hold them close.

Thanks again for all of the support and for listening to me ramble.

Nea

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I'm a SAHM So I don't know what it's like to work. Everytime I think about working I get the way you feel about staying home. it will come naturally. Any large change in life is hard. But for some reason right now it's where your ment to be. Enjoy it. It's amazing what you can find to do with your kids for social and learning interaction. Find free play group or cheap play groups thats what I do.

Iridescent - posted on 02/09/2010

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I tried to be a SAHM with my first one. I couldn't do it! After 2 years I decided I'd go insane if this was to be my entire life. I went to school so I could earn as much part time as we needed for survival, and still be able to spend time with my children. It was the best thing I ever did.

I'm back to being a SAHM now, but I'm also working full time (and then a ton) - thanks to my education. I'm an RN and my daughter needs 24 hour nursing care, and because of how things work via laws and such, I'm able to provide some of the care she needs instead of hiring outside nurses to care for her all the time. This time, even though we have 5 kids instead of 1, I'm much happier!

Some things I learned along the way were that I NEED to get out with other adults at least a few hours once a week. It's not a "desire". It's something I physically need, and without it I become depressed. I also need time to escape from the house once in a while, even if it's just to the grocery store without kids. Not often, but a couple times a month or so. A huge difference is that I am still the one earning the most in our family to support us; my husband is starting a business, so it's hard for him. Before when I was at home, I was depressed because I couldn't earn an income and support even myself. I'd never been in that position, from the time I was 12 years old. I did not like it.

Kara - posted on 02/09/2010

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I so understand! I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but now that I am, it's a bit overwelming. The biggest problem is that I don't really know who I am anymore. My identity was kind of wrapped up in my job and now I'm left wondering, "Just who am I" I've joined a Mothers of Pre-Schoolers (MOPS) and that is a help, I get adult time and they provide child care so Timothy gets socialization. Also, if you are religious at all a church with a good kids program is a wonderful thing. Timothy runs to "his" room and doesn't even look back at me. I know that as a kid I was much more content knowing that mom was there and I want that for my kids.

The best advise I've gotten and one I'm trying to implement is to still set up a schedule for my day and have a list of to do's to keep my mind busy. I'm also taking some classes by corespondance just to keep my brain from turning to mush. :) Good Luck and relax and enjoy your time with your son.

Megan - posted on 02/07/2010

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Hi Nea - You have every right to be scared.. they're terrible little monsters really.. you've gone from an adult environment into a one where conversations about poo are top of your important things to do today.. errghh.

I've been a stay at home mum since my first was born and I'm still scared lol.

It sounds like he's happy to be home with mummy so thats all good. If you're feeling guilty about his social development - number one, Stop feeling guilty! and two, perhaps you could join a play group or a mum's coffee group a couple of times a week. (or start one of your own)

Anyway good luck and keep smiling :o)

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