Three year old behaving the worst everywhere we go...

Sara - posted on 01/11/2012

all i can say is u r so not alone my lil girl is the same way she even fights bed time i wish i knew the trick but i can say is ur not a bad mom this is what i like to call devilish 3s

Lori - posted on 01/07/2012

I completely agree with what Heather is saying. Kids need to know what their boundaries are, and they need to know there will be consequences to their actions.

I'd just like to add that you can tell your child what type of behavior you expect before you go somewhere. That really helps my 3 year old. We were having trouble with her throwing a fit anytime we left somewhere. Like we'd go to the play area at the mall - she'd play fine, but when it was time to go she'd start screaming and crying and kicking and hitting. Then I started telling her before we got somewhere "we're going to play at the mall and you can run around and have fun but when it's time to go I expect you to come with me quietly and without any crying or whining." Her behavior drastically improved. This works well for any situation. "we're going to the store and I expect you to sit in the cart while I find the things we need" Or "I expect you to walk next to me and to keep your hands to yourself". Whatever behavior you want from them, let them know it up front and right before the activity.

Mandy - posted on 01/05/2012

With my three year old boy, I've learned that if he thinks he can get away with it he will try and go down swinging. I count to three each time he doesn't do what he's told and he either loses something for a while or if worst comes to worst, I buckle him into the seat in the cart, ignore him and keep doin what I'm doing. There are tons of reasons for a toddler to act out but attention seems to be the main reason with my son. Negative or positive, he doesn't care as long as he gets it. Just count to three and deni them of any thing that they don't need, candy, freedom, toys or any thing else they hold dear. Your the parent and your kids need to learn to respect you and learn self control. Nothing works over night so be patient and as persistant as they are. Good Luck!

Heather - posted on 01/01/2012

My boy was getting to be the same way a few months ago. I finally lost it and yelled at him and FINALLY started following through with discipline. Since then I've been mostly super-strict mommy and he's learned that I mean business. I was always threatening to put him in time out etc. but I hated punishing him so I never followed through. It was all carrot and no stick, which worked when he was little but when he turned three he started being a little rebellious and testing our limits. His behavior just got worse and worse until I snapped. Now I just give him the "do you really want mommy to come over there" look or start counting to three and he usually does what I tell him. Time out works for us now that we really put him there. If he still doesn't behave the next level is his room (no toys in there, only books) and if he comes out he gets the lock on the door which he REALLY hates. Consequences (I don't look at it as punishment, he makes the bad choice and gets the bad result and he's old enough to understand the connection if it's immediate and reasonable) vary by kid and situation. He's three and I find that two minutes of timeout is enough for him. He still hates it at the end but it's long enough for him to calm down. If I leave him too long he gets used to sitting there and thinks it's no big deal. Sometimes he’s not ready to talk at the end so I come back every minute until he is. If he goes to his room he waits until I finish what I'm doing within reason, about five minutes. If I put him in his room to finish a tantrum he's there until he falls asleep or stops screaming. One of our problems was with him not leaving his toys and completely ignoring us when we tell him to come eat, get shoes on, go to bed etc. Now if it’s time to do something else and he touches a toy, the toy goes away until after tomorrow. I've only had meltdowns at stores a couple of times but tell him what will happen if he throws a fit (i.e. pick him up and leave the store, you can leave the cart where it is). I walked out with mine kicking and screaming and everyone looking at me like I'm the worst mom ever (he can get quite out of control during tantrums and screams/throws himself around hysterically… BTW my MIL in India thought he was possessed), but he hasn't done it again since. Getting him strapped into his car seat was quite a project that day (I literally wrestled him into it) and he was still screaming when we got home so I put him in his room until he stopped. I think it’s important to have a plan that can be adapted to any situation and not get emotionally involved when kids misbehave. Consequences also have to be reasonable and fit the crime. My mom got emotionally involved and wasn’t reasonable with punishment and that’s NOT the way to go. Sometimes allowances have to be made if a kid is especially tired or hungry (which accounts for most of my kid’s misbehavior now) but he also has to learn to control himself when he doesn’t feel great so don't make excuses for him. Sometimes we just cut our losses and put our boy to bed the way he is. Make sure he still knows how much you love him! Also, once an episode is over it should stay in the past and a kid should get a fresh start. I make a point of not bringing things up again or saying he always does such and such because kids should be free to be who they are and not be labeled, unless it’s a positive thing and even then I’m careful. One thing that totally surprised me was how happy he was after I started setting real limits. He’s even more loving with me and is SO MUCH more content. I really believe now that kids NEED boundaries and parents to enforce them.

About eating, I think my expectations used to be unreasonable. Around two, kids stop growing as fast and their nutritional needs drop a lot. They probably aren't really starving but mine has gotten so skinny I worry about him. I tried only letting him have food at mealtimes (the "they'll eat when they're hungry" method) but he ended up losing weight he couldn't afford. Now at meals he can choose to eat until his food is gone, look at his food until it's gone, or go to his room until his food is gone. If he gets up he goes straight to his room and gets the lock on the door (his worst punishment, I won't fight him over wandering off because they ALWAYS do it if you give in an inch). I tried using the straps on his booster but I don't think that was the way to go because he put up a fight even getting in it the next time, but it might work for some kids. Once he sat and looked at his food for two hours, but he did eat it in the end and feels so much better when he does. Sometimes telling him how many BIG bites he has to take also works (they don’t count if they aren’t big enough). I make him eat about the volume of his fist at a meal, minimum. After that he can eat what he wants.
It sounds like you’re a great mommy! You wouldn’t be a nervous wreck if you didn’t care about your little guy. Keep loving him and set boundaries. If he whines, let him whine until he uses words. Bending over backward to figure out what a kid wants won’t help him learn to communicate. If the whining bothers you put him somewhere else until he decides to behave. At three they really can do it! Keep up the good work!

(Sorry this was so long and rambling :)