What method do you use to calm yourself after your toddler keeps misbehaving?

Elyssa - posted on 05/08/2010

I do believe in using time outs (sparingly) but, I feel like the best teaching tool for my son is just letting the natural concequences happen. for example, if he is jumping on the couch, and I keep telling him not to, and warn him that he is going to fall and get "big ouchies" and he won't listen, eventually he'll fall, and probably bump his head a little... but he thinks twice about getting up there and jumping on the couch again! I feel that it is teaching him that there are consequinces to all of our actions, and that most of time, mommy does know best. I mean, if he is doing something where he KNOWS it is wrong, or it is dangerous I do use time outs, but I am always sure to give him a big hug and tell him I love him, and I make sure I explain to him in words he understands why I put him in time out.

I think that a lot of times, the toddlers just don't know what they are doing wrong. I heard a story about a mom who kept telling her 2 year old daughter to not play on the corner of the street, and one day she caught her playing on the corner, so she ran up to her, yelled at her, spanked her, and put her in time out. Afterwards, she talked to her and told her "I thought I told you NEVER to play on the corner!" the little girl responded "mommy? what's a corner?" I think that sometimes we react before we think, and we really should think before we react, especially when it comes to diciplining our toddlers. I understand that we need to react to keep them safe, but when it comes to diciplining them we need to stop and think before we overreact. we just need to take the time to teach our children right from wrong, and realize that sometimes that they might not know what they are doing wrong.

Margaret - posted on 05/08/2010

I think we've all had moments when we thought our heads were gonna pop off from frustration. I don't believe in spanking really, but time outs are helpful. Actions have concequences, and a time out teaches that without resorting to physical dicipline. if I ever get to point where I'm gonna pop, I'll sometimes leave the room for a moment and focus on breathing. Its amazing what a difference just taking a few deep breaths can make

Renee - posted on 04/28/2010

My son gets time outs but I don't do spankings. My son is very strong willed and has a bad habit of hitting his head when he doesn't get what he wants (leaving bruises on his head). I find that by giving him choices in what to wear, eat, and activities it cuts back on the tantrums. Also I have him "help" me with laundry, dishes, cooking dinner, picking up around the house, etc. Yes it takes 3 times longer to get it done, but he is learning. A few times I have given myself a "time out" when he was being a complete little monster. I put up the gate over the stairs shut some doors and put myself in my room and read a book. He sat and played in his room. When we were both calm we went back to our normal day. Also a schedule is very important for him. If he gets off schedule I notice he has more behavioral issues.

Karen - posted on 04/26/2010

Melanina, I think you just proved my point as to why they don't work at this age. The goal of time-out is to modify the behaviour long term which means they think before they do it eg. if I do 'x' I will go in time out. and 2 years old just can't do that. If you have to tell him that he will go in time out for him to stop the behaviour then its actually you that is getting him to modify his behaviour not the actual time out. Having 4 older kids, I've seen how time out actually works when they get that bit older and can process it properly.

In the long run at this age it doesn't really matter if its time out or a firm word from mum, if it works then go with it.

Cathralynn - posted on 04/26/2010

I agree with time outs at this age. I think you as a parent have to have a goal in what you hope happens. If you think a time out for two minutes absolutely means they have learned a lesson and will never do that again and can explain why then yeah you are overestimating. But I do time outs by just putting my daughter in her room for two minutes. I get at her eye level and calmly explain she is getting a time out for "throwing" Keep it simple and shut the door, her room is a safe place. Go back in in two min and hugs around, I ask her to repeat "throw only balls" she says "throw ball" Then we play again. I think the repetiveness helps her learn, but just going to a new environment is a distraction in itself. Plus she does not get attention from mommy for bad behaviour. Be sure to praise them when they do right. For tantrums I put her in her room, but leave the door open. I say she needs to go to her room and calm down, she can come out when she is done crying. And surprisingly that's what she does. If she comes out still crying I tell her I can't hear her til she uses her words. My daughter also needs less time outs now, and sometimes requests them on her own when she needs a break. I also note more problems ahen we go off her schedule. Like she needs her nap and were late, or she needs to eat but we all forgot.

Melaina - posted on 04/25/2010

Karen (O'Sullivan) I totally agree with everything else you said, but time-outs at this age absolutely work! You're only supposed to leave them in a time out for one minute per year of age, and I'm quite positive that my son has a better than two-minute memory. And it has certainly affected his longer term behaviour; he actually doesn't get many timeouts anymore. All I have to do most days now is tell him that if he doesn't calm down or listen to Mommy, or whatever the case may be, that he'll have to sit in his chair, and he'll stop whatever the wrong behaviour is. Anything you are consistent with will work; don't underestimate these little people! Without longer term memory they wouldn't be able to learn things like language, etc., which they are!

Fiona - posted on 04/25/2010

You've had a lot of replies already Karen. It's easier said than done but I try to take a deep breath and move on. If I have raised my voice or been grumpy with my daughter without good reason I apologise and give her a cuddle. If she has had a tantrum moment (she's nearly two) I encourage her to apologise and give me a hug too. Then we forgive one another and move on.

Karen - posted on 04/25/2010

Usually at this age they are feeling very frustrated because they aren't able to communicate to you what it is they are thinking, wanting or feeling. They are also starting to realise that what they do directly affects other people around them so are constantly testing the boundaries and the 'what happens if I do this'.



All kids will respond to different things depending on their personality, with my munchkin walking away from him so he is not getting attention has a big impact.

If he is screaming because he wants something I will ask him to use his words, he is starting to make the connection cause when I say it he will stop screaming or crying and say 'please mummy' I can usually ask him what he wants and can most of the time understand or if I don't I can ask him to show me and he will usually point it out or take me to it.



Remember that your little one is looking to you to show them how to react and if you lose it they will be more likely to act out more often. There is nothing wrong with you taking time out to get your head together, pop your little one in the pusher and go for a walk - if my munchkin is unco-operative I usually just talk to him as if we were just going for a normal walk - can you see the birds, look at the dog over there, etc etc, go outside and kick a ball around or any other physical activity. It will help to lift both your spirits.



Andrea... timeouts at this age don't work because they have such a short term memory that they forget why they were in timeout so it has no real long term effect on their behaviour. Distraction is far more effective at this age.

Manisha - posted on 04/24/2010

I hear you!! I love my daughter she's bubbling with energy creativity but when it leads to painting my white carpets hot pink ..Deep breaths ...Very very deep breathing ! I ve tried timeouts but she's already figured Mom out she'll kiss me till I give in sooo.. I think Mom's reaction and attention is what this is all about .. I let her see my reaction See Mom's not happy Mommy sad now and I think that worries her so it seems to get her attention to listen long enough and try to understand why is mommy sad and then give her chance to go back to the same activity and play nice before engaging her in another activity.But being a toddler is hard and being a toddler's mom is hard too I do on my part sense she's most disruptive if Im involved in something that doesnt include her so i do try to give her something to do that helps mom ... Please help mom fold clothes , clean up , she tries and yes I have to do it over but i find it cuts down some of her meltdowns.And to calm my self ..if its been a long day Dad takes over... yes the night shirt and pjs dont match!!But she gets daddytime I get 30 mintutes of just me time,and I use it as "me time". And totally in the evening I try to get her to burn off the extra energy if we dont make it outdors we ll play cahse around the kitchen island for 1/2 hour it 's Baby's play and mom's work out for the day!!

Heather - posted on 04/24/2010

It helps me a lot to just remember that he is just a toddler, so will make lots of mistakes at first. I can think that he is naughty and get upset, or I can remember that he is learning and the messes and misbehavior are a chance to teach him something. It also helps to tell by boy that I am sad or upset, so he understands about emotions. I try to put it on his level though, like, "I don't like this mess. Messes make me sad. Please don't throw your cup, it is messy."

It also helps me to remember that I love him more than any thing he has ruined or broken. Then I calm down.

Kristen - posted on 04/22/2010

I definitely give D choices for as many things as possible and that has helped with him flipping out on me. I pull out two shirts in the morning & ask him which one he wants... eggs or pancakes? ...strawberry or peach yogurt?... I also ask him to help me do stuff... he throws things away for me, sweeps, helps me unload the dishwasher etc. I think though that your question is really more for what we do for ourselves when we're really pissed off... I just walk away. I make sure that he's in a room where he can't hurt himself and that he's involved in playing with something or looking at a book and I step outside on my deck and just breathe or count. I find that just stepping away and listening to the birds or the traffic calms me and I'm ready to go in 5 minutes or less.

Nicole - posted on 04/12/2010

I am taking this parenting class called love and logic, and that basically is about giving your child choices, lots of them but the choices that u give them have to be something that suits you. When my little one does something that is wrong, in a empathetic voice i say something like, ah man what a bummer time for a little bedroom time, you can come out when your nice and sweet. YES they will cry and scream. and then when they calm down let them out and give them a hug and tell them you love them. if he keeps doing the same thing wrong, just keep up with taking them up to their room. it only took a day for it to work on my little one, he didn't cry long the next day he was up there, and then finally he knew that when i said ah man, he quickly stopped what he was doing. but if they fall asleep when they are up there, they were probably tired anyway. it keeps you from yelling, or getting stressed out. I personally recommed love and logic. Look it up if you want.

Kaneadsha - posted on 04/11/2010

I go in my room and put myself in a time out for about 30 minutes if I can have one for 30 minutes if not and I am at home I take a long, hot, soothing calgon take me away bath

Andrea - posted on 04/11/2010

Just curious why you don't believe in time outs?

Jennifer - posted on 04/07/2010

This is something that is really difficult for me as well. I don't normally spank my daughter, but she does get time-outs occasionally. I try to stay calm when talking to her, trying to explain what she is doing so wrong, but two-year olds just don't understand yet I don't think. I find myself getting super frustrated with her constant no's! mine's! and temper tantrums. If she doesn't get what she wants right away, she gets really, really mad. I don't have much advice to offer, just wanted to let you know that your not alone!

Amy - posted on 03/31/2010

Personally we do time out's, but we also do more along with it that may help you a little.



When your toddler misbehaves what do you do now? Just say no? Try getting down to there level, look them in the eye and explain why what there doing is wrong. (We do this along with the time out's so he starts to understand what he's doing is wrong and why).



Try giving them choices, anything from what to wear, eat or what to do for an activity? Choices make them feel important and in control, so if you give them the options you accept everyone is happy. We started this with our son, and after a week or two we noticed it really started to help.



What kind of things is she doing that's wrong? Could you just try to wear her out more? Or include more activities in her schedule? Kids seem to act out when they have too much energy or are board. We had some issues with our son over the winter, but after getting a YMCA membership and letting him run around there it's helped a lot, with Spring, he's been going outside more and wearing himself out.



Good luck!